Love Meghan At Christmas: A Fake Christmas At A Fake House

Meghan Markle is back to save Christmas.

Much like the Grinch here Meghan tries her best to seem affable to get guests to come around to her house and desperately appease her, but if they say something she doesn’t like she will steal their presents. You get this vibe when Prince Harry who you imagine has been kept forcibly locked under the stairs for the past season arrives in the final few minutes and thanks his wife ‘for having him’. I imagine his SS costume that he was going to get for Christmas will have gone missing now as Megrinch teaches him a lesson.

Jokes aside this is more of what Meghan does best hosting various Z list celebrities and having them speak wellness speak, as Meghan pretends that she is listening. All the while she is thinking about her campaign for President on the democratic nomination. The guests she has for the special are a mixture of cringe, quiet and pandering, they all make the same awkward small talk, some with more of a feeling of duress.

Meghan tries to pull out all the stops including wearing Christmas pyjamas and does manage to make it feel Christmassy, despite her being fake, not in her own house and with her kids off and out of sight.

The cringe never ends.

Overall, a funny experience if you watch it ironically and see how weird and out of touch Meghan is.

3/5

Pros.

It is funny not intentionally

It is short

The discomfort is real

Cons.

It is very fake feeling

It is more of the same

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Home Alone Three: Fighting Terrorists With Toys

Summary

We remove, Macaulay Culkin, we replace burglars with terrorists, and we have it so the child is only home alone whilst there mother nips to the office. Is it even still Home Alone?

For me personally I prefer the traps section in this film to either of the earlier efforts as it truly feels like this one went all out and gave us this idea taken to its fullest. Perhaps this is gimmicky but to me it worked.

The child is not as affable as Kevin and the family feel like an imitation but at least the traps are good. It was odd that the mother seemed almost modelled after Catherine O’Hara, but I suppose John Hughes did have a type.

I thought the parrot had a number of good moments and brought some levity to the film, though I must say that even it got to a point wherein I felt was becoming a bit of a crutch for the film ultimately.

Overall, there is still some charm to be had here particularly if you like the traps however, I would say that it is not as good as the other two films as films and feels like a made for streaming movie, though in its time it would more likely be a straight to video film.

2.5/5

Pros.

The traps

The parrot

A few funny moments

Cons.

The plot is worse

The terrorists stuff is ridiculous

It lacks the charm

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Five Nights At Freddy’s Two: Blumhouse Actually Managed To Make A Horror Film

Summary

Blumhouse actually managed to make a horror film.

I thought the first Five Nights At Freddy’s was bad, this one I find almost good, they really managed to turn it around.

They managed to fix the tone issues of the first film and have it be actually scary throughout no building forts to happy music. The horror is very by the numbers, there are one or two effective jump scares, but it is more of what you would expect. The marionette was a cool addition and had the right aesthetic.

The story itself I found interesting, I am glad we weren’t returning too much to the first location, however, there is a number of contrivances throughout the film which set up the ending. So at the end of the first film Mike and Vanessa were basically a couple, yet here they walk that back and have this whole weird arc of Mike being angry at her and saying he can’t trust her, now this happens so she can get possessed at the end of the film and become the baddie for the next one, but makes no sense. The fact the writers need to break the logical throughline of their relationship just so they could set up a cliff hanger ending speaks to how bad the writing team is here.

Overall, the film is a step up from the first film, but the writing is still a fundamental issue.

3/5

Pros

It is more horror focused

It is engaging

It has one good jump scare

Cons.

The ending

The writing

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Diary Of A Wimpy Kid The Last Straw: Forced Conflict From A Writer Out Of Ideas

Summary

Greg and his family are back and this time he has daddy issues for no particular reason.

So I thought I was done with the horrible animated Disney + Diary of a Wimpy Kid films and yet here I am.

This time after embarrassing his dad at church, Greg is going to get sent to a military school unless he gets his act together. Cue a series of schemes to try and appear like he’s doing good at school which all go wrong, who could have seen that coming. This whole conflict is weird for three key reasons, one this conflict between Greg and his dad hasn’t been there before, the fact they have the author of the books writing these films and he just forgot that little detail is shocking, secondly is the fact that it is pretty clear to see Greg is accident prone not bad which makes the dad look unfair, thirdly Rodrick is actually bad and he just lets him get away with it. As such you end the film thinking that the dad is an insecure man child, who wants to punish his son for his own failings, which probably isn’t how the film wanted him to come across.

In the images on Disney+ for the film you see them wearing Christmas hats and it is presented as a Christmas film however, there really isn’t a mention of the season anywhere so it doesn’t really come across as a Christmas film. So if that’s what you are looking for then stay away.

All of my points about Greg being a goody goody from my last review also still stand here, it is quite sickening.

Overall, less cringe than the last one but the story and the conflict feels forced.

2/5

Pros.

It is short

There is one or two good laughs here

Cons.

It is boring

Greg is devoid of personality

The conflict feels forced

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Bride Hard: Stop Trying To Make Rebel Wilson A Thing

Summary

Amy Schumer better watch out Rebel Wilson is trying to steal her spot as the number one for slop on Netflix aimed at women.

This time Ozempic Wilson, as we will call her for the rest of the review, is a secret agent who has brought a group of civilians with her unknowingly in order to steal a bio weapon, whilst also being the maid of honour at a bachelorette party. Cut to painful cringe comedy.

The idea that Ozempic can take down a group of guys is just laughable, and not in a good way, the fact she does it all with a face straight out of the Alaqua Cox school of acting makes it funnier. Perhaps this is the death throws of the girlboss genre, they say as a genre dies it begins to parody itself and this certainly feels like that.

The thing is this sort of film was once funny, but that isn’t the case now, now you get a few unbelievable action scenes, a few sassy yaaaaaaaaaas queens from the friends, then cut to credits.

Overall, this is low rent female slop from Netflix, as it thinks this is what women want. However, much like Mel Gibson in a much better film from decades prior they don’t really know what women want.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It isn’t funny

Rebel Wilson should go away

It is slop

It is repetitive

The action is awful

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Stranger Things Season 5 The First Batch: Without Stakes

Summary

Stranger Things begins its final season.

Really, I think this should have been released all at once rather than in parts, the issue with this approach is I can’t really feel favourably to the first batch of episodes, as it feels like they are building to something that never comes. The Vecna fight is cool I guess when he destroys the military, but it also makes how easily the gang beat him in season four seem incredibly poorly conceived.

The big ‘epic’ reveals of this batch are mostly either pretty meh, one of the bad kids Eleven hung out with in season two is back, or cringe such as Will feeling okay in himself means he gets psychic powers. Neither of these things land.

Then you have the fact that like most seasons the series would rather focus on other people rather than developing out the cast we already have, herein represented by the focus on Holly Wheeler, you need to have a child character so the kids can still watch it even though they don’t. As well as Linda Hamilton who seems to be playing Sarah Conner from Terminator Dark Fate. You could have given those roles in the story to Erica and possibly a somehow alive Brenner and it would have made much more sense.

The hellfire stuff was dumb and boring last season and should have been scrapped the fact it is still being rehashed here, as they can’t think of anything else for Dustin to do is a further show of bad writing.

Overall, it moves the pieces around the board and has some good moments, but it can’t give us surprises we care about and feels the need to force in yet more boring needless characters.

2.5/5

Pros.

Finally giving the Wheelers something to do

Having all the characters in one place

A darker feel

Cons.

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Strangers Things Retrospective: Slop Hidden In Plain Sight

Summary

Stranger Things is often held up as one of the great modern series, but upon watching it back a second time you see the power of Netflix and the hype people, to really overblow something to the nth degree.

The conspiracy ideas of the show are interesting, however, it is far too derivative, concepts like how Vecna kills people in season four, or the entire mystery of the first season feel like carbon copies of other things from the period such as the works of Stephen King and The Nightmare on Elm Street films.

The series as a whole doesn’t seem to want to know who it is for either, it has mature elements for adults, yet packs the story so full of melodrama that it could be called a YA show just as easy. The issue with the series as it aged is the fact that it really started to drink its own cool aid, and started to have these big pompous episodes on for far longer than a lot of prestige tv shows, and the reason they were so long, not because they were trying to unpack weighty issues and themes but because of all the filler.

The characterisation and the character writing in terms of motivation feel so inconsistent, characters change massively over the course of the show and not in consistent ways that makes sense for them, almost as though the writers forgot who they were between seasons and just decided to start over. They also flanderise characters, look at Will, people said from the very first episode he was gay, yet as the series progressed that is all he became. The whole of the fourth season was him whining as his straight friend wasn’t into him, it gets to a point where the characters becomes a cliché.

I think with Stranger Things to which I watched all four seasons in the lead up to this final season over the last month, it becomes very clear that if you stripped out the nostalgia, the premise and the soundtrack and just viewed it as a show based on its characters, writing, and themes that it was always slop. The nostalgia and the premise made you think it wasn’t so bad, but it was always slop we just didn’t see it.

Overall, the show is pretty mediocre.

2/5

Pros.

The soundtrack

The mystery as a concept, the more and more they explain of it the worse it gets.

Cons.

The character writing

The pace

The shallowness of it

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Back To The Future: Marty’s Mother Is Sexually Abusive

Summary

A classic doesn’t hold up.

I recently watched this film after not having watched it in years, it was not a great experience.

Some films from the Eighties hold up and pass the test of time and some don’t I would argue this is the latter. Firstly, the stuff with Marty and his mother which is played for laughs is really quite an odd choice and is creepy. Marty is being constantly sexually harassed and at times quasi assaulted and yet this is not a big deal and if anything is just a humorous misunderstanding, lets flip the genders and see if it is still a comfortable viewing experience.

Following on from that is the aggressive amount of product placement that is everywhere. Whilst this could be viewed as gimmicky or a funny thing to laugh at it actually is quite distracting and the more and more it goes on and the more you see the worse it gets. It feels less like you’re watching a film and more like an advert.

The smoking gun for this revisionism is that Marty himself is insufferable, not only is he overly cocky and smug a lot of the time, he doesn’t treat those around him well he treats his dad, back in the past, with contempt for being nerdy, and he takes his girlfriend, in the future, for granted, worse yet he never really gets called out for being the way he is. However, when you watch it back you think if Marty was erased from existence the world wouldn’t be so bad.

Overall, a movie that does not hold up.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

The stuff with his mother

The product placement

Marty is not a nice person

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Diary Of A Wimpy Kid Christmas Cabin Fever: Worse Than Book Burnings

Summary

I returned to the Disney version of the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid franchise and was a bit sick.

So lets get one thing very clear, Greg is a good kid but also a fundamentally flawed one with his schemes often getting him into trouble, he is not the sort of kid to give away the present he most wants to help those in need, the idea was so American and sickening that I almost turned it off. This idea of the great moral virtuoso is fake kids don’t behave like that.

In addition this film above all others in the space made me hate current day animation and long to return to the two dimensional hand drawn kind of years prior. Everything about this was so ugly, the models how they moved around the space, the way they interacted with the environment, the environments themselves were hideous.

Moreover, Greg’s families personality was just one emotional state the entire film, there was no nuance or development for his family in anyway they started off the film one way and ended it the same.

Overall, this is some of the most soulless animation you might ever see.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The animation is ugly

It feels fake and overly moral

The family has no personality

It is not funny or relatable

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Christmas Karma: London That Famous Latin Location

Summary

Raj from the Big Bang Theory gets political.

So this was the first film I have ever watched on Plex and I have to say it was a good system, better than some streaming services for sure. I am glad this did not come out in the cinemas where I am, as I cannot imagine sitting there and watching it all in one go. I had to take breaks to get over the cringe.

So a lefty luvvie filmmaker that can seemingly only make films about people from South East Asia, think she can reverse the populist rise in the UK by making a film about immigration. She repeats all of the left wing talking points you would expect, immigrants only immigrate due to forced displacement, ignoring economic migration, that the locals are always angry white people, rather than plenty of people who welcome immigrants and want to integrate with society. This is the sort of film that makes people become right wing, by over simplifying a complex topic and present a very basic moral argument between good and bad.

Also this film decided that A Christmas Carol really needed a latina ghost, really? This film is supposed to be set in the UK, why would there be a latina ghost? The number of Latin people in the UK is miniscule. What seemed like to me was an effort in box ticking, they needed to get every group they could think of ticked off the list, they even gave some token white representation by having Danny Dyer be a dumbed down goofy version of himself to go see white people we don’t hate all of you.

The plot is your standard play on A Christmas Carol with the above politics mixed in for flavour, the issue however, is that A Christmas Carol has been done to death and mixing in some race baiting elements isn’t what the film needs to feel fresh.

Overall, I am sure the group this film was made for will like it, but sadly I was not a part of that group. My takeaways from this experience is that Plex is great Christmas Karma not so much.

1/5

Pros.

It has some unintentional comedy

Cons.

It isn’t funny on purpose

It is preachy

It over simplifies things

The moral of it is so obvious throughout

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