Shotgun Wedding: Get Those Divorce Papers Ready

Summary

Tom, played by Josh Duhamel, and Darcy, played by Jenifer Lopez, have their wedding taken over by terrorists and must work together to try and overcome them.

This is watchable yet entirely forgettable. Honestly, this kind of action comedy is nothing new and has been done many times before. Sadly, in the long history of newly weds teaming up to take down armed bad guys this film isn’t high up on the list.

The main reason for this is because of how tame it is. In almost every regard this film feels like it is holding back, be it in the gore and the violence, the swearing or even in the relationship drama. No couple I have ever met interacts like these two, the way they talk and generally just are around each other feels off and oddly formal at times. It would be an understatement to say that Lopez and Duhamel have no chemistry if anything I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes out over the next few years that the two of them hated each other whilst making this.

Overall, this is the sort of lazy film that reminds you that Hollywood, in this case Amazon, think they can just serve audiences with any old trash and that we will just happily consume it. Well I for one will spit out this rancid meal and will call out Amazon for this, consumers deserve better.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

It is tedious

It didn’t need to be made

It has no charm

It is horribly paced

The leads are both awful

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Sweet Home Alabama: Evangelist Propaganda

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A New York based fashion designer, played by Reece Witherspoon, travels back home to yes you guessed it Alabama to try and get divorced from her husband, played by Josh Lucas, so she can marry her new beau, played by Patrick Dempsey.

I put this on as it is February, the month of rom-coms, and after looking up non-toxic rom-coms I was fairly sure this was going to be a wholesome classic. Deary me how wrong I was, this film like many others in the genre is quite hard to watch and teaches some pretty bad lessons. These include but are not limited to, hey kids you should leave your life and dream job so you can move back to your home town and get with your ex, if you have a romantic moment as a child with one of your friends that means they are your soulmate forever, and finally when acting out it is perfectly okay to out your LGBTQ+ friend to everyone in town. That’s a big yikes.

Moreover, as the film progresses not only does Witherspoon’s character become more and more unlikeable, but also you begin to question why she is doing what she is doing. Clearly her and her ex have problems, clearly they are badly suited to each other yet they end up together because the film wants them to as it perpetuates myths. In many senses it is plain to see that Witherspoon’s character would have been better off with Dempsey’s character yet the film doesn’t allow that to happen as it would rather push the cliched destiny angle and suggest that women should stay with their exs because you never know they might change.

Overall, watchable yet fairly troubling.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few funny moments

Cons.

It has some really poor messages

Witherspoon’s character is fairly unlikable

The central romance of the film doesn’t work on a number of levels

It has pacing issues

Music And Lyrics: Deeply Out Of Tune

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A washed up musician, played by Hugh Grant, must team up with an aspiring but timid writer, played by Drew Barrymore, in order to write a song for a competition that could put him back on top.

For Hugh Grant this is as far away from his heyday in films written by Richard Curtis as you can get in terms of quality, though maybe Mickey Blue Eyes was worse. There is little to be excited about in this film as there is nothing new here, it is just Grant playing a role that we have seen him play before, that’s not exciting.

Whilst an argument can be made that Barrymore and Grant have good chemistry and that certainly helps the film, the sometimes quite incredibly toxic dialogue hurts it beyond repair. Grant’s character in this does not come off as one we want to root for but rather a bit of a tosser and that is amplified by the often quite corrosive statements made by the film.

For me the worst sin committed by this film is the pace which borders on tedious at times, it doesn’t go over but it comes damn close.

Overall, one of Grant’s weaker rom-coms and proof of why he needed to get out of the genre.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

Grant and Barrymore have good chemistry

Cons.

It has a toxic message

It has pacing problems

It is a weak rom-com in multiple senses

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The Noel Diary: A Strong Sense Of The Familiar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Justin Hartley plays a writer who must return to his childhood home and face the demons he has been running from as he clears out his dead mother’s possessions.

In terms of Christmas rom-coms this film is fairly bang average, there is nothing much to write about with it. The plot of a successful man returning home, confronting his past, making peace with it all the while falling in love with a local girl, played by Barrett Doss, is all very by the numbers for this sort of film. Again it seems like someone with a checklist is crossing off story beats as the film progresses, there is no element of surprise or the new here.

Hartly and Doss are fine, they are both serviceable enough but have neither the charm nor the chemistry to liven this film up. James Remar briefly lights up proceedings but he is barely in the film and after we have met him his absence is sorely felt.

Overall, serviceable but nothing more than that.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

Remar brings something to the film but is mostly underused

It is fairly short

Cons.

It is predictable and been there done that

It is poorly paced

It is boring

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Lady Chatterley’s Lover: Netflix Throws Another Book On The Bonfire

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yet another classic work of British literature is given the Netflix treatment and soiled.

Netflix and for that matter most non-British production studios just can’t ever seem to get right the very British sentiment behind these books, be it this or the works of Jane Austen, the themes and ideas that in many senses are timeless. So what do they do instead? They do what all hacks do they modernise, they take something timeless and they date it in the current year, they make yet another Bridgeton which some people like sure but that is also a million miles away from the spirit of the text.

The central romance, if you can call it that, is incredibly stunted and at times just plain awkward, it is fairly clear neither of the leads have any chemistry with the other, or even seem to like each other, and all of the forced romance scenes comes across as incredibly cold, emotionless and a little silly. I would say of the two Emma Corin has the far worse showing, with this and My Policeman really starting to make me question how they were ever able to get into acting in the first place as they clearly lack talent. A rich parent is probably the answer.

Overall, Netflix needs to realise that they can only push their Bridgeton esque pap so far.

1/5

Pros.

I’m struggling

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the spirit of the text at all

The romance is awkward and cringe

The leads have no chemistry

It is boring and a slog to watch

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Your Christmas Or Mine: Whoever Wrote This Doesn’t Understand England As Country Or How People Interact

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After parting at Christmas a young couple decide to surprise each other by getting onto the other’s train, but are then both surprised when the other isn’t there and has to spend Christmas with their families.

I found this film infuriating, the writing is so damn poor that any chance it ever had of being a new Christmas based rom-com to be remembered for years to come is quickly squandered in the first few minutes. The fact that it takes them a long time to even have the character explain the mix up to their other halves’ family and until that point just has them be a stranger in the household that no one questions is baffling.

Asa Butterfield does make for a likeable lead but the rest of the cast are either miscast, going through the motions or are non-entities, what is really shocking is how the film wastes some veteran performers as well.

The central romance is fairly weak and all the trials and tribulations the pair have to go through are nothing you haven’t seen done better before.

Overall, an incredibly poorly written Christmas rom-com.

Pros.

Butterfield is trying

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The writing is terrible

It wastes some great actors

The wider casting is all wrong

The pace is very much off

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Bones And All: Everything Wrong With Modern Cinema, A YA Film That Thinks Its High Art

0/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young cannibalistic couple travel the US together.

Please if you will listen to just one piece of advice from a stranger on the internet today let it be this, don’t watch this film. It is just a horrible time at the cinema as it imparts the message that life is just terrible and the only way out is by your own hand as everyone you love will disappoint you and those who don’t will be taken away. There is so much darkness in this film that there is just no need for it to exist, the world is already a dark place.

Moreover, the narrative is very smug and self-indulgent thinking itself to be high art when in actual fact it is more closely resembling angst ridden YA fare, this is certainly reflected in the paper thin central romance that feels like it was written by an emo on Tumblr. Worse yet the narrative is self-defeating as the central idea of the film is Maren, played by Taylor Russell, needs to find her place in the world, yet when she finally does at the end of the film it is then taken away and she has to do it all over again showing that there was no point to the whole film.

The film also greatly fetishizes the cannibalism and has it be akin to sex at times, which feels uncomfortable from the off and never really goes away. Speaking of the film has a sex scene between Timothee Chalamet’s Lee and another man and never really addresses it or speaks about it or allows Russell’s Maren to respond to it, it is a very odd inclusion which makes the central romance narrative seem off.

Finally, if this film is seen to be an indicator for upcoming acting talent then I might just hang up my reviewing now and bid farewell to cinema for good as both of the central performances are just awful. Taylor cannot emote for one single second and other than looking shocked once or twice has the same glazed over expression for the whole film and Chalamet plays a cliched wrapped up in an emo phase. When will the internet learn that Chalamet will never be a movie star like those of old because deep down everyone knows he can’t act and that once his legion of lust fans dry up so will his acting roles.

Overall, possibly the worst film of the year.

Pros.

None

Cons.

The film is manically depressing and an unpleasant watch from the outset

It has awful paced and is on for far longer than it needs to be

It is smug and seems to think of itself as high art when in actually it is a bad YA film

The acting is awful all round

It fetishizes cannibalism

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The Royal Nanny: Maybe Megan Markle Was An Intelligence Officer Before Becoming A Royal

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After detecting a threat to the monarchy the British secret service send in Claire, played by Rachel Skarsten, to act as their agent on the inside and of course whilst there she ends up falling in love with a prince, played by Dan Jeannotte.

I enjoyed this for the most part, it wasn’t the best film I have seen all year or even all week for that matter but it was dumb escapist fun and that should count for something. I liked the nonsensical plot that despite that had a very clear ending from the beginning, and I liked that the film didn’t take itself too seriously.

I thought Skarsten was a good lead and was charming enough to carry the film and to pull off the love story. However, the rest of the cast struggled deeply and were either fairly bland in terms of their performance or were so bad at doing the type of English accent they were trying for that it was distracting. Something that wider audience might not have noticed or picked up on but something that a Brit could notice keenly.

Overall, a fun if at times wonky film.

Pros.

Skarsten

The silly plot

The romance is easy to warm to

Cons.

The accents

It is very predictable

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The People We Hate At Weddings: Families Are Messy

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Cynthia Addai-Robinson, invites her estranged family to her wedding. Things very predictably go badly.

I’ll be the first to say this is not the most original film out there, in fact there are a countless number of other films that have a very similar premise and message, however, despite that I still ended up enjoying my time with this film.

The main reason I felt this way was because of the great deal of heart the film can bring to the table when it wants to, moreover each of the central trio of characters and Addai-Robinson’s character are all very easy to relate to and like, they reflect the messy elements of your own personality or that of someone you know. In many senses this film is warm and affordable because it reminds us of the inherent good in the world and how a chance run in with a stranger on a plane might change your whole life, it reminds you of the bonds of family and how though we are all imperfect we need to be there for those we care about and take them as they are. Honestly, in these dark times the optimistic outlook of this film was enough to boost this film up in my opinion.

Bell, Platt, Janney and Addai-Robinson were all great, though I would say the scene stealer and breakout star of the film was Dustin Milligan as he really was a great romantic interest that really seized on the opportunity and potential of his character.

Overall, though it is nothing new in any sense, it was nice and comforting and sometimes that is enough.

Pros.

Bell

Janney, Platt and Addai-Robinson

The warmth

The message of messy families

Cons.

It is quite played out

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Christmas In Toyland: What’s In The Dust?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A data analyst, played by Vanessa Lengies, who dreams of being a toy maker is sent in to investigate why a certain branch of the company she works for is so successful.

This was a slightly above average Christmas rom-com, and within the arena of trash Christmas rom-coms that is high praise indeed. I think the thing that raises this film above average for me is the central romance which does feel warm and genuine and because of that is easy to care about.

In addition I thought there were quite a few funny moments in this film, both intentionally and unintentionally and this made watching it far more enjoyable. There were of course a lot of cliches and well worn tropes in the film and it does seem afraid to do anything new, but that is to be expected with this sort of film.

Overall, this film is an enjoyable enough Christmas rom-com that does bring the feels and hosts a relationship you will end up caring about.

Pros.

The chemistry

Funny moments

It is short

Cons.

It does drag in a few places

It is nothing new, it uses a lot of cliches.

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