The Mean One: Like The Grinch But Worse

Summary

The Grinch, David Howard Thronton, goes bad and goes on a killing spree.

Basically if you have seen the Winnie The Poo slasher this is the same thing yet now with a Christmas character instead, I don’t think the Grinch is yet in the public domain so they call him The Mean One here instead.

In many ways this feels like a student film, and believe me that is harsh. None of it is particularly good, it is made on the cheap, near always dark even in places with lights on, the acting won’t be winning any awards any time soon and the film takes itself far too seriously. This film needs to be more like Nightmare On Elm Street and by that I mean it needs to have fun and embrace the ridiculousness rather than just being gritty.

I will give praise to Thronton he does bring the physicality as he did with Art, he is a good choice to play the titular Mean One, but sadly he isn’t given much of any note or interest to do, still we do get a few good gruesome kills for all the gore hounds out there.

Overall, not a new horror Christmas classic and more fodder for the horror twist of a beloved family film school of schlock

1/5

Pros.

A few good kills

Cons.

It is dumb

The characters aren’t likeable

It doesn’t have fun with it

It is too dark to see anything most of the time

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A Colorado Christmas: Vomit Inducing

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A country music star, Brit Ellerman, falls in love with a single mum, Luba Bocain, and has an all American Christmas.

Reviewing Christmas films in February, that is what happens when you fall behind on your backlog, anyway, maybe long enough has past that people are counting down to Christmas again and wishing it was the jolliest season, one can hope at least.

Anyway, there isn’t a huge amount to say except this is exactly what you would expect, it is the most generic form of the textbook. It feels so middle America, yee-haw, that you could imagine this being shown at a Trump rally for how family values should be and for how America is the greatest country on Earth.

If you can put aside the downright fantasy elements of a lot of it, then the sickeningly sweet sentimentality of it all will kill you off. All the characters are troubled and all they need is a little love and family to fix everything wrong with them, you set up the idea that the country music guy isn’t happy in his life and wants a change, will having a family really do that? Wouldn’t changing career paths make more sense.

Overall, it is the sort of pap you watch near Christmas but I think it’s more Pureflix sort of vibe drags it down. Furthermore if you don’t like the yee-haw sort of America I’d give this one a skip too.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is fine

Bocain is clearly a talented actor and deserves a lot better than this

Cons.

The overtly Christian overtones that make it feel like a faith film

The yee-haw America vibe

The sentimentality

It is too long

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The Marvels: Make Iman Vellani The Face Of The MCU And Do It Now

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Captain Marvel, Brie Larson, is back and this time she is more human than before. I am going to catch some hate for this one.

I am one of the few people who loved this film, genuinely I think its great. Now I am not arguing its perfect there are a couple of major things wrong with it, but for the most part it is a lot of fun, the leads have great chemistry together, it is funny and I actually liked the singing world thing.

I think this film did a lot to make Larson’s character a lot more fun and interesting, I warmed to her more here than I did in the first film. I think however, that a big part of what made Larson more likeable and the film as a whole better was Kamala Khan, Iman Vellani, who was a scene stealer here and easily the best part of the whole film. Vellani’s energy is infectious and she is the most compelling member of the team by a country mile. Sadly, the third member of the team who’s name escapes me, the one from Wandavision, is but boring they do nothing with her until the very end and for the rest of the time she is just kind of there.

The singing world won’t be for everyone and I actually liked it for two reasons, firstly Brie Larson is a good singer, and secondly I thought again it made the character more fun and whacky after being overly serious in the first film to the point of being emotionless. Before a range of angry comments come in think about this Tony and Steve in their films made jokes they weren’t stoic all the way throughout, but they did that with Larson in the first film. I didn’t really think the whole oh she is secretly married thing was a good set up for the musical number however and I thought that was a needless detour.

My final point for the film is that the villain was weak as hell, Zawe Ashton, is a good actor and is capable of so much more than this. I don’t blame her though I think an actor is only ever as good as the director and the writer, but still there character was so generic she fades from memory before even the first post credits scene rolls around, which by the way is an odd way to introduce the X-Men but hey.

Overall, maybe Marvel’s best film of last year not perfect but better than Antman and everything they put out on Disney +

4.5/5

Pros.

Brie Larson

Iman Vellani

It is a lot of fun

It is a better sequel in nearly every way

Cons.

The third team member and villain are both incredibly forgettable

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Five Nights At Freddy’s: Possibly The Worst Video Game Movie Ever Made

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An out of work man, Josh Hutcherson, takes a job at a Pizzeria that is full of dead children residing in robots.

I will open this by saying that though I am aware of the game franchise this is based on I have never played one of the games.

I thought this may have been the most disappointing and misguided film of 2023. My central thesis question would be who was this made for? I would guess the hardcore fans and that is it as I entered this film as a normie and didn’t understand most of what was going on. That shows a bad job on the writing front as if you are required to have a dedicated knowledge of a game series to be able to follow the plot of a film then maybe it should have come out on a fan site rather than at the cinema, at least then people like me wouldn’t have wandered into something that clearly wasn’t for us.

Additionally, the tone of this film is also completely off. So, I thought this was a horror film, the games are horror games are they not? Well clearly no one told whoever wrote this film that because for all the scenes you get of the robots ripping people apart it is entirely undone by a film breaking sequence in which they all sit down and have a tea party with a little girl and its all happy and played almost for laughs. Again I understand that their was a hostile undertone to this scene but the music and the dialogue shifted the scene and made it seem like I had entered a screening of Night At The Museum.

The acting is okay, I had forgotten the lead existed in a post Hunger Games age I thought maybe he had retired, he was warm enough and I believed his bond with his sister. Elizabeth Lial faired better and was quite easy to like and root for, it was clear that she was going to be involved in it from the jump but I like that they didn’t make her evil in the end and have kept her alive for the sequel. I think by far and away Matthew Lillard steals the show, I wouldn’t have guess the twist reveal with him and I think he played both ordinary and evil with great relish.

Overall, the actors do their bests but this film is only for the fans and if that isn’t you don’t bother.

0.5/5

Pros.

The actors across the board

Cons.

The tone

The inaccessibility of it

The weird dream stuff

The needless family drama

It Lives Inside: Roots Of The Past Follow And Consume

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Samhinda, Megan Suri, is punished for shunning the ways of her parents.

I was excited for this film, frankly I am quite bored of the bevy of overtly Christian horror films and I thought that a film that relies upon a different sets of religious and cultural practices could be quite fresh and really say something new in the scene. Sadly Blumhouse made this and not someone better.

I think the demon is the most interesting part of the film, the idea of it keeping its victims alive and torturing them is novel when viewed through the eyes of the traditional possession story. I also thought the ending wherein Samhinda allows the demon to possess her but rather than this be bad as in say The Exorcist she instead traps it and controls it inside of her was interesting and I wish they had done more with it. If I were to recut this film I would add ten minutes onto the end of it so we could see more about how Samhinda and the trapped demon interact, but the film has no time for that.

Instead the film wastes its time with a YA love story because of course it does, this is a hallmark of Blumhouse fare especially when it features teen characters it has to spend about a quarter of its runtime away from the main action following around some doe eyed kids until one of them dies. Boring, stop it. I think the relationship between Samhinda and her mum, Neeru Bajwa, is way more compelling but it doesn’t get anywhere near the same screen time bar a few scenes at the end. I think Bajwa’s character was done an injustice as there was a lot to explore there: she didn’t want to come to the US, she wasn’t adjusting well, this film could have tried to dig into those feelings a bit more and had something of substance to say but no we need another teenage romance subplot.

Overall, there are good bones here and it could have been fresh, new and welcome but it falls into the same holes as a lot of Blumhouse more teen orientated fare and as such is lesser.

2/5

The mum daughter relationship

The demon and the lore

Cons.

The romance subplot

It wastes a lot of the first act

The mother’s character outside of her listening and advising her daughter is largely overlooked

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Marionette: Are You Real?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A therapist, Thekla Reuten, begins taking sessions with a boy, Elijah Wolf, that can seemingly see the future, however, as their time together grows stranger it becomes clear that something far more grand is going on.

This is one of those films that has a twist that you will never guess, now whether that is down to just how outrageously out of left field it is, or because it is well done will be a matter for you to debate after watching it, personally I lean more into the former than the latter.

I will say that the scares regarding the boy and just what is going on are quite well done, and it was nice to see a relatively recent film not have to rely upon jump scares but instead use atmosphere, the bleakness of the remote Scottish village and the menacing weather really add to the whole aura of the film. I think my issue with jump scares is just how obviously they often are and how you can see them coming from a mile away if you know the signs to look for.

Overall, a good thriller with a twist that is either genius or ridiculous it is hard to tell.

3/5

Pros.

The tension and scares

The atmosphere and how the environment informed the film

The ending

Cons.

The ending

The child acting isn’t good

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Sax X: Jigsaw Or Jesus?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jigsaw, Tobin Bell, heads south of the border.

I’ll admit I liked seeing Jigsaw back in a big way. I think Bell’s character is just so compelling that he makes the films a damn sight better just by being in them. I think the franchise really did shoot itself in the foot by getting rid of him from the timeline so early, though there is promise in the apprentices. Personally, I thought Spiral didn’t work as well without either a proper apprentice or Jigsaw in it.

I thought the story here was a little thin, they really had to pad out the opening of the film just to kill time because they knew they didn’t have enough material. Once the trick is revealed and the deaths start then things pick up and become far more interesting. It is in this frame we come to know Cecilia Peterson, Synnøve Macody Lund, who comes to be somewhat of an antithesis for Jigsaw himself. She too has a murderous rage but she doesn’t believe in helping people to get better and as such she becomes the final victim of Jigsaw’s game, only to escape. It is in this new character that I think the series has new life, Cecilia is easily the most interesting new character coming out of this film and I think to not have her be a big part in at least the next film would be a massive mistake, she could hunt John aka Jigsaw down with a rag tag group of survivors from early games that we haven’t seen or met yet, probably ending up in a champion of champions sort of contest in one of Jigsaw’s warehouses.

I thought Amanda, Shawnee Smith, was fine here but I would have liked to have seen more from her, I think her character keeps getting undercut by the franchise at large, though I must confess that I was hoping some of the other apprentices might have shown up at least at the end.

Overall, it’s another fine instalment made better by Cecilia but also one you could easily miss.

3/5

Pros.

Cecila

The return of Jigsaw

The traps

Cons.

The opening is slow

It does nothing special

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Expendables 4: The Quest To Get Sylvester Stallone’s Dignity Back

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Expendables are back due to no one’s demand.

This was lame, really that is the best way to describe this film.

When the last film came out at a lower age rating and it flopped, the creatives seemed to get the message and be like okay we’ll come back harder and more edgy for the next one and yet…. I would argue this is tamer than the third film. Yes there is more gore here but by and large this film doesn’t hold a candle to the gore of a John Wick. Moreover, the men are far from the action heroes they once were and now want to be soft for the most part or domesticated, again nothing wrong with that it could have been an interesting direction for the characters to go in, but not what you want out of your action franchise.

Most of the original cast saw this for the flop it was and stayed clear, Schwarzenegger for example is gone, as is Wesley Snipes, even Sylvester Stallone, whom I assume is the main driving force behind these films, is barely in it being killed off randomly near the start of the film and then coming back at the end.

For the most part this is Jason Statham’s film and he just about manages to be charming enough to keep it together, but again this isn’t one of his better action films. The dynamic between him and Meghan Fox is strong and the two play off each other well, do I buy them as a couple? No. I would even go so far as to argue that Fox steals the show and manages a takeover of this film as she does the team later on. I think that it may be worth if the studio wants to keep dipping into this pot of diminishing returns to have Fox lead the Expendabelles project that has been talked about and move in an all-female direction as this was woeful and it shows that a lot of the male cast members best days are behind them.

They also bring in Iko Uwais as the film’s villain and give him barely anything to do, don’t give him a brutal fight scene, ala The Raid, and then just kill him off. What a waste.

Overall, another franchise that needs to stay dead.

2/5

Pros.

Fox

Statham

Cons.

The original cast are either not here or are long past their best

The stuff with Stallone

The wasting of Uwais

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The Exorcist Believer: Perhapes The Worst Legacy Sequel Ever Made

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Blumhouse doesn’t have enough original ideas so needs to ruin a horror classic.

I liked Halloween Ends, that was an incredibly controversial statement once upon a time, but I absolutely hated Halloween Kills and you best believe me that this is far more of the latter than the former.

I think that David Gordon Green is a hack horror director, he can’t seem to come up with anything new or interesting to say so instead says: ‘what has been in the news’ and forces that in in some contrived way. This is no different.

There was potential for this film to be like the recent Scream films in bringing back the original actors, those who are still alive, and mix in some new faces to try and shake things up. However, here they bring back the mother from the original film, Ellen Burstyn, for exposition and to be like see remember her, they give her nothing to do she isn’t there for the actual Exorcism and she has one line that ruins both this film and the original, she says she was not allowed in the room when Regan, Linda Blair, was being exorcised. This line almost made me get up and leave, it is the most lazy trash I have ever seen so in a contrived effort to be like we are cool and progressive we hate the patriarchy, despite being a group of male writers, they force this in. In the first film Karris, Jason Alexander, literally dies to save her daughter you would think she would be a bit more grateful for that, but no a dumb men bad comment. Again the lack of diversity in the writing pool makes these comment seem almost like they are trying to cover themselves.

Finally, the actual exorcism scene itself, because the standard stuff with the priests probably isn’t PC anymore, they have multiple different faiths all working together, is the message well enough down your throat yet? Personally, I wouldn’t have minded this approach if they did something with it, I agree that the standard priest or demonologist cleansing the unclean spirits out of the girl is a little done to death, but here again it just feels like they are ticking a box, it feels like diversity for the sake of it rather than for a valid reason which is never good.

Overall, this film made me angry, it made me dislike Blumhouse, David Gordon Green, and just the state of modern Hollywood where reaffirming a certain political viewpoint is more important than actually making a good film. Hopefully, now that Gordon Green has left they can actually get in a talented writer to do something better than this. A good example of a possession series that has an interesting an evolving story throughout a trilogy is the Hell House LLC films so check those out and give this a miss.

1/5

Pros.

A good twist ending

Cons.

It brings characters back for the sake of cheap nostalgia

It is lazy

It cares more about its message then actually being good

It ruins the original

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The Equalizer: La Dolce Vita

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Robert McCall, played by Denzel Washington, becomes a man about town in Italy.

I enjoyed this more so that the previous Equalizer film, and a damn sight more than that horrible gender swapped TV show, and would go so far as to say it was on a par with the first film. Again I think where these films shine is when it is just McCall going on a rampage against massive groups of guys, it works in very much the same way the John Wick movies do and I think that this film was able to capture that well.

I would say the film was a slog at the beginning and spent far too long in the little Italian town with McCall getting to know everyone and all this, I can see they did this to make it feel more personal later as the villains then try and destroy the community and life McCall has built in Italy, but I just think it went on for too long.

I think that Dakota Fanning’s interesting new character added something to the film and that the narrative as a whole did enough to make us care about her, though I would have liked to see her have a more active role in the action vs essentially getting taken off the board early into the third act. However seeing as she survives the film maybe she can come back later on in the franchise and be more proactive.

Overall, a better than average action film, better than the first sequel and the tv series probably on a par with the first film.

3/5

Pros.

Denzel

The action

The film makes you care about the characters

Cons.

It spends too long setting things up

It does Fanning’s character dirty

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