X-Men Dark Phoenix: No More Mutants Please

X-Men: Dark Phoenix is a superhero film directed by Simon Kinberg; it belongs to 20^th Century Fox’s now defunct XCU (X-Men cinematic universe), taking place after the events of X-Men Apocalypse and is based on the Phoenix Saga from Marvel Comics.

Prior to writing this review I had been putting off watching this for a second time, it is a horrible film. Can I just ask the question before we get into the review, who thought letting Simon Kinberg a man who can’t even write films lead alone direct them, direct this was a good idea? All of the good X-Men films had very little involvement from this hack, or if he was involved, he was heavily reigned in by the director of whichever movie he was working on.

That said let’s get into the review.

First off, the action scenes in this film are atrocious, when you realise that they belong to a block-buster superhero film they seem even worse. They are a mad rush of CGI paired with the weakest blandest fight scenes you might ever see in your life, it is so lifeless and boring, it makes you wonder if they gave up on this film before it even started filming, and Fox wanted to release it just so it would cost, new franchise owners, Disney money; makes you think.

Secondly the acting, I can’t even bring myself to really go into this, so I will only talk about 2 noticeable bad performances, the rest are painfully average and feel so underdeveloped that you begin to question whether they even exist. James McAvoy as Professor X and Michael Fassbender as Magneto are the only 2 okay performances and even then, the incredibly bad, prequel era George Lucas esque bad, writing takes away anything it can from either performance.

The first of the woeful performances is Sophie Turner as Jean Grey. If I had to put together a list of the worst performances, or worst actors of 2019 Turner would surely be on it. I understand she was in Game Of Thrones and that was popular, empathies on was, but that doesn’t mean she is a good actress. Her performance has as much range and emotion as a bin bag floating down the side of the road, she can’t maintain an accent and as such it keeps slipping, she just can’t act, she can’t and if Hollywood learns one lesson from last year it should be to dump Sophie Turner as fast as they can.

The second performance and perhaps the more controversial pick is Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique. Never before in the history of film has it been clearer that an actor has only been in a film because they were contractually obligated to be. It is clear from the very first moment she appears on screen, in her human form because Lawrence doesn’t like the makeup, she is being payed millions to wear, that she doesn’t want to be there. Her now infamous line of “you should change the name to X-Women”, made me both cringe and feel annoyed at the same time, and shows everything that is wrong with this film.

Overall, I have to say bravo to Dark Phoenix as it actually made me like the rotting carcass that is X-Men: The Last Stand so well done for that!

Pros.

McAvoy and Fassbender are okay.

Cons.

Sophie Turner shouldn’t be cast.

Jennifer Lawrence should have left when she stopped caring, they should have let her go.

Someone should have stopped Simon Kinberg from ripping the X-Men apart.

The overuse of CGI hurts.

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

From Hell: Jack The Ripper Unmasked!

From Hell is a slasher film directed by the Hughes Brothers, based off the Alan Moore graphic novel of the same name. The plot of the film is an alternative take on the Jack The Ripper murders of the 1880’s, we see detective Frederick Abberline (Johnny Depp), desperately trying to solve the killings while also falling in love with a young prostitute Mary Kelly (Heather Graham). The case takes Frederick from the gutter slums where London’s poorest dwell, all the way to the palace.

I think that this film is very polarising, you will either love its alternative take on London’s most famous murders, or you won’t. You will either think it is interest that they place the title of ‘Ripper’ on the Royal physician, or you will think it is a scandalous mistruth. Personally, for me, I like this film’s alternative take on Jack The Ripper, I admire it for revealing the killer to us, rather than just leaving in ambiguous, as it could have easily done. I even like the ending when it is revealed that the Freemasons and The Royal Family were behind it all.

I think this film and another Johnny Depp film from around the same time Sleepy Hollow are so good as they perfectly capture this gothic sensibility that I don’t think any other films I’ve ever seen really has. This film plays out more like a mystery thriller or a horror movie, than a traditional serial killer crime film. What’s more I love the version of 1880’s London this film presents us with, it is so teaming with life and even the littlest detail feels cared for, you feel like you’re there.

Johnny Depp is fantastic in this film, he is not wacky and over the top, a trait that would come to define his later work, but quiet, brooding and troubled. We buy him as the hero by the end of the film and we want to see him catch the Ripper, this film proves why Johnny Depp is such a unique star.

Overall, I applaud this film, I applaud it for revealing that the killings were never as simple as we thought they were, they weren’t just the work of one deranged man, but rather a vast conspiracy. I applaud it for it’s depiction of 1880’s London and I applaud it for being bold enough to label someone as Jack The Ripper.

Pros.

The alternative take.

Johnny Depp.

The World.

Showing us a Jack The Ripper.

Cons.

By the end the story is a bit convoluted.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

My Favourite Films: You’re Next

In this new series of pieces, I want to tell you about some of my favourite films and why I love them, hopefully with the aim of convincing you to give them a try if you haven’t already; today I am going to talk about You’re Next.

You’re Next is a black comedy horror film directed by Adam Wingard. The plot centres around a family gathering that goes to hell when a group of masked, armed assailants, try to break in and kill everyone. There are plenty of twists and turns along the way that keep you guessing until the very last minute.

The easiest way I could define this film for you would be to say it is a smart slasher film. By that I mean it is self-aware as well as written in a smart way, You’re Next is keenly aware of how slasher films go, and it plays off that. By having Erin (Sharni Vinson), not be the typical final girl it makes the film far more interesting. When I say she isn’t the typical final girl what I mean is that she doesn’t spend the first 45 minutes of the film scared out of her mind, right from the off she takes charge of the situation and leads the fight back.

Therein lies another thing I like about this film. Many times, I have been watching slasher films and I have asked myself why do the victims never fight back? Or why do they wait until the last 20 minutes of the film to do something? This film bucks the trend of the killer hunting down the victims and killing them for the first 2 acts of the film, only to have the final girl turn the table on them in the 3^rd act and it presents the struggle between Erin and the masked men as far more even; far more war like. As the masked men kill the people around her, she kills them.

What’s more, there is some fantastic gore in this film that is wince inducing. There is a larger scale version of the nail scene from A Quiet Place, years before it I might add, as well as a grisly scene with a blender which I will leave up to your imagination. The level of violence feels just right for the tone of the film and its black comedy sensibilities, never feeling unnecessary, or unpleasant.

Overall, this is a fantastic film, that when under watched and underappreciated when it came out, it is probably my favourite slasher film ever and I think that it deserves to be seen as it does something fresh and smart with the genre.

Written by Luke

V.F.W: Beer,Brawn And Blasting

V.F.W is an action horror film directed by Joe Begos. The plot revolves around a group of ex-soldiers lead by Fred (Stephen Lang), who must defend their V.F.W outpost against a deranged drug lord and this army of junkie minions; fighting to see the light of a new day.

In terms of being an action movie, this is on par with Guns Akimbo for being my favourite of the year so far. This is very reminiscent of pulpy, grindhouse esque B movies of old, there is a focus on over the top gore and a lot of punk wardrobe choices. I’ve heard this film compared to the Expendables, but really that couldn’t be more of a disservice to the film. V.F.W actually has characters you care about and heart and soul, rather than just being a nostalgia vehicle to give old action stars the chance to meet up once again and get a nice fat paycheck.

Moreover, Stephen Lang is a far better action hero here, that Stallone was in the Expendables, you buy him as this solider that never really came home, never really wanted to; he lives to fight. We see this juxtaposed by the fact that he is getting old and his body won’t really let him fight, like it did when he was a young man, anymore and you can see that on screen: just in the little details. I think the paradigm of a solider who likes being a solider, but who physically can’t be anymore, is a neat angle to explore with this character and it helps Fred to feel well rounded and nuanced, rather than just another action hero.

The gore in this film is also brutally bloody in the best way, right from the off we see a man’s head explode from a shot gun blast and that sets the tone for what is to follow. I think good gore can really add to a horror film, good gore is usually comic and deliberately over the top: not the kind of gore you get out of something like Hostel where it get uncomfortable to watch after a while, but that is my own personal taste.

Overall, this is ridiculous, over the top, bloody fun and I can’t recommend it enough if that is your kind of thing. Lang is great and the film is a thrill ride from start to finish. A must watch!

Pros.

Stephen Lang.

A better version of the Expendables.

The over the top gore.

The dumb fun of it all.

Characters you genuinely want to see survive until the end.

Cons.

None

5/5

Reviewed By Luke

Kong Skull Island: The King Above All

Kong: Skull Island is a monster movie directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts; it is a reboot of the King Kong franchise. The plot follows a group of scientist and soldiers as they travel to the uncharted Skull Island and find creatures beyond imagination, including the legendary Ape King Kong, who is the last of his species.

Though it may not be the most popular opinion, I believe of all the Monsterverse films thus far this is by far the best. My absolute favourite thing about this film is its soundtrack, it is absolute 70’s perfection, Jefferson Airplane, Credence Clear Water Revival and Black Sabbath all grace the soundtrack of this film and it is magnificent.

The style of this film is further compliment to the soundtrack, this is a very stylised film, this is clear in multiple ways and I believe unlike something like the Babysitter that is overly stylised, this is just the right amount as such it gives the film a fantastic sense of identity and uniqueness.

Crucially what this film does that makes it better than the Godzilla side of the Monsterverse, is it maintains the balance between human action and monster action; neither one takes focus from the other. The human characters are on screen enough to be developed, but they aren’t focused on to the point where we don’t get to spent time with Kong. We get plenty of time with the great ape himself, his origin is slightly different from what we have seen in the past, but it is still well done.

My two favourite human characters in any of the Monsterverse films are in this film. Firstly, we have Brie Larson’s character of Mason, who is an anti-Vietnam war photographer, she is a very interesting character and I like how they almost give her the human, monster relationship with Kong that we have seen in previous films, but then subvert it at the last minute. The other character I really like is Hank (played by John C. Riley), he is a pilot that has been stuck on Skull Island since World War 2, so for 28 years. Riley in this is fantastic, perhaps the best I have ever seen him, he has great comedic moments, but he also has great emotional dramatic scenes. The scene at the end of the film when he returns home after he has been away for so long is tear inducing, it is almost impossible to not cry when this scene comes on.

Overall, this film manages to achieve something that few other monster movies do, it strikes a harmony between the human and non-human characters, making all of its character interesting. The style and the soundtrack of this film also helps it to be exceptional, I hope that Godzilla Vs. Kong can be as good as this!

Pros.

The soundtrack.

The style.

How it handles Kong.

How it handles its human characters.

Cons.

The strange skull creatures.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Prevenge: The Mother-Child Bond

Prevenge is a British comedy slasher film directed by Alice Lowe. The plot revolves around a grieving pregnant woman, who is commanded to kill by her unborn baby; all of the people she kills are related to the very recent death of her husband and the child’s father in one way or another. The film has a lot to say about motherhood and the act of being pregnant, using the over the top premise to take a deeper look at the actual notion of having a child and the mother child-bond.

In many ways this film could be a spiritual sequel to Ben Wheatly’s film, also staring Alice Lowe, Sightseers, the two films are very similar in a lot of ways, including having a very similar sensibility around murder and death, treating it as a darkly comic thing. I think the two films would make for a very interesting double feature.

That said let’s get into the review.

Did I enjoy this film? That is a hard question to answer, there is a lot going on and a lot to unpack, so it might not be as simple as that. I think this film raises a lot of interesting questions about how we as a society view pregnant women and how far we should go for our children; as this film takes that to an extreme. Furthermore, the ending of the film when Ruth (Alice Lowe) realises that her unborn child wasn’t the thing telling her to kill all along, and that it was her, is very interesting because it leaves us with the question of how is she going to deal with that?

The scares are also very good in this film, it is certainly more of a dark comedy than a horror, but whenever we have a moment where ‘the child’ is talking to her’, it makes the hairs stand-up on the back of your neck. We also get a lot of good gore from some of the kills, so gore fans will find something to enjoy.

The issue with this film for me, is that fact that it is very slow, there are a lot of scenes that feel longer than she should be. Said scenes are probably going for a meditative feeling, but instead they just feel a little pretentious. What’s more Prevenge is a very oppressive film to watch, it is bleak very bleak; there are moments of dark comedy mixed in, but these are few and far between; for the most part it is very hard to watch.

Overall, this is a very interesting and unique film, but it is undeniably niche, this certainly isn’t going to everyone’s taste.

Pros.

Unique.

Novel approach.

Good scares and gore.

Cons.

It’s hard to watch.

It does feel a bit pretentious at times.

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Pet Sematary: Sometimes Dead Is Better.

Pet Sematary is a supernatural horror film directed by Kevin Kolsch; based on the Stephen King novel of the same name. The film revolves around a family that finds a graveyard behind their house, that allows things to come back from the dead, this could be animals, or it could be people, but when they come back, they come back changed.

First things first, I just need to say I had very high expectations when I went in to see this film, as I love the work of Stephen King, as well as the 1980 version of this film. As a result of that I was disappointed with it and thought that while the new version did have a few cool scenes, it wasn’t a patch on the original film.

For me the issues began with the casting of Jason Clarke as Louis Reed. I don’t like Clarke and I certainly don’t rate him as an actor. I don’t know if I just haven’t seen him in the right role, but it seems like whenever he turns up in a film, that film turns out to be bad; the list of films that prove this point is long, but some choice examples are Winchester, Terminator Genesis and Serenity, however he is the best of a bad bunch.

This film has John Lithgow in it, he plays the neighbour that tells Louis about the pet semetary in the first place, Lithgow does the best with what little he has, but he is truly wasted in this film and his best scene is a scene that involves a child slashing the tendons in the base of his leg. What a waste.

The horror of this film is also not as well done as the 80’s version. Yes, that film was campy and a bit silly, but the scenes of the sister who is bed-bound in the attic, were genuinely frightening and left an impact. However, those same scenes in the 2019 version lose a lot of there impact thanks to an over-reliance on jump scares. I have talked at length about the plague that is jump scares, so I won’t go on about it here.

Finally, and perhaps worst of all we have the ending, which is significantly different from the book and the 1980 film, this time we see that the whole family has become evil thanks to the semetary and is going to kill baby Gage and that is how the film ends, so effectively the bad guys win. This could be done in such a way where it felt natural and earned, it is not inherently a bad thing. However, the way this ending is presented to us, leaves us feeling unsatisfied and let down; which then leaves a sour taste in the mouth when thinking about this film.

Overall, yet another remake that never needed to be made, disappointing, dumb and downright boring at times, don’t waste your money, watch it on TV, or stream it on Netflix.

Pros.

John Lithgow tries.

The classic song is back, even if it is a cover.

Cons.

Stop casting Jason Clarke!

The jump scares.

The lack of anything new or interesting.

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Godzilla, King Of The Monsters: A Weak And Ineffective King!

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters is a monster movie directed by Michael Dougherty. The film belongs to Legendry’s Monsterverse and follows on from the 2014 Godzilla film. The plot of the film revolves around humanities discovery of ‘the Titans’ and then their efforts to wake them up. Once they have been woken up, surprisingly they wreak havoc and then it is up to Godzilla to get them all in line.

I have been putting off this review for a long time, this is a film that a lot of people have strong feelings about, some love it, some don’t. The film didn’t do very well when it came out, which has affected the Monsterverse as a whole, but it has a dedicated cult following. For me, personally I liked Kong Skull Island, but both the Godzilla films have left me cold. Here is why.

My issue with the first film was that it didn’t have enough Godzilla in it, so when it looked as though the sequel was going to have more monsters fighting and less of the horrible human characters, I was excited, and yes there is far more monsters fighting, but now maybe it is too much. There is only so many times you can see a huge CGI creature hit another giant behemoth.

The human characters are dumb and bland, there is some strange eco-terrorism sub plot that is going on, that never really gets explained and their goals make no sense either. The twist that Vera Farmiga character has been working for them all along, isn’t hugely surprising, but you don’t care because she is boring and underdeveloped. Millie Bobbie Brown is only in this film because of Stranger Things she is probably the best of the human characters, but that’s not hard, a piece of wood could be better than all the human characters in this film.

The writing in this film is dumb, so, so dumb, unapologetically so, but that is half the fun. There is one bit in the film where they drop an oxygen bomb on Godzilla, which… how does that even work? If you’re one of those people that like things like The Fast and The Furious, were nothing makes sense and it is just pure spectacle then you might like this film.

Don’t even get me started on Kyle Chandler, who much like Annabelle Wallis can’t act. Seeing Chandler’s name on a casting sheet is a huge red flag for me, as he has never been good in anything.

Overall, this film is a disappointment as it managed to screw up both the human characters and the monsters, while also lacking the heart that made Skull Island so good.

Pros.

Millie Bobbie Brown is okay.

The first half an hour is entertaining.

Cons.

After that it becomes repetitive.

The human characters are terrible.

The plot is ridiculous.

2/5

Reviewed by Luke

Guns Akimbo: A New Kind Of Internet Celebrity

Guns Akimbo is an action comedy film directed by Jason Lei Howden. The plot follows Miles (Daniel Radcliffe), a man who awakes to find pistols bolted to his hands after an online argument split over into the real world, he is then forced to compete in an internet age style, to the death gladiator match with raving badass Nix (Samara Weaving).

I didn’t really have any expectations when I went in to watch this, I knew it was going to be wacky, as the name and premise alone inform you of that, but I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with how much I ended up enjoying this film.

The writing was very sharp and tight, it uses every line well, being both informative and funny. Some of the dialogue was clearly trying to lampoon modern internet culture, I believe this was done well and it made me chuckle a few times. Rhys Darby plays a homeless man who helps out Miles in his time of need and I have to say, he might be the scene stealer of the film; Darby is hilarious here.

I like Samara Weaving as an action hero, I think she plays badass very well, for the most part she is your standard quippy anti-hero, but there is an added dimension to her that sets some emotional stakes. I think if Weaving carriers on picking projects like these she could easily become the 2020 version of what Sigourney Weaver was in the 1980’s, a badass female action star.

Daniel Radcliffe is also fantastic here, his career path of picking odd projects to prove himself as an actor as well as to steer away from his Harry Potter image is in full effect here. Radcliffe’s character is relatable as well as a believable action star, I like where the film leaves his character and I hope we get to see a sequel so we can see more of him. I also liked the on-screen chemistry between the two leads, I thought they had great banter together and I would love to see them in more films together in the future.

Overall, a very enjoyable experience from start to finish, smarter than most action films and funnier than most comedies. Samara Weaving and Rhys Darby steal the show, but everything in this film is firing with both barrels. My best film of 2020 so far, A Must See.

Pros.

Weaving the action star.

The writing.

The references to our modern-day culture.

Rhys Darby.

Nice and punchy no time wasted.

Cons.

None

5/5

Reviewed by Luke

David Brent, Life On The Road: The Sadness Behind The Music.

David Brent, Life On The Road is a mockumentary comedy film directed by Ricky Gervais. The plot of the film shows David Brent (Ricky Gervais), after The Office, he is now older and more unhappy. The power dynamic in Brent’s life has changed and he is no longer the boss, rather he is abused victim of the office, as such he seeks out a new direction in life; becoming a successful professional singer.

This is very much a follow up David Brent film, rather than a sequel to The Office, other than Brent none of the characters from the series return. As such this film explores his character in far more detail, we learn the mental health impact The Office had on Brent and see that he has had a breakdown since it. As Gervais has said when talking about this film, Life On The Road ‘this film peels back the layers of Brent’s character’, this is true as we see him in a whole new light.

The sympathy we felt for Brent in The Office is double here, as we see that he is actually a very unstable individual and that he is incredibly lonely and he just wants a friend, some one who likes him for who he is. The final song of the film, when one of Brent’s band members buys him a snow machine, is touching and heart warming as we can feel just how much it means to him.

The cringe comedy that Brent’s previous outing was known for, is here in force, but there is also a sadness to it, as I suppose like Brent himself, we learn there is more to it then we first realised. The majority of the comedy comes in the form of Brent’s songs; which are surprisingly good. Forgone Conclusion as a band have more than a few hits, “Native American” might be my personal favourite, all of the songs in this film are both catchy and funny.

The ending of this film does provide a nice sort of ending for Brent as a character, it ties him up in a way that feels satisfying and gives a lot of closure to his character. I hope this is the end for him.

Overall, this is much more thoughtful, in depth look at Brent as a character, it has some great songs and some great laughs, if you love The Office you will love this.

Pros.

A nice ending for Brent.

Great songs.

A good amount of heart.

A lot of laughs.

Cons.

It’s not entirely necessary

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke