Splitizville: Hollywood Needs More Church

A woman leaves a man because he won’t have sex with her whilst driving, he then has sex with his best friends wife, she then gets into another guy, and it all ends with the the original woman getting back with the man whilst carrying someone else’s baby.

Catch all that, yes that’s the plot of “comedy film” splitizville, where being in an open relationship means no one understanding commitment and having sex with anyone and anything around them is seen as acceptable and just normal. You prude. Marriage vows just don’t matter.

It is the most nihilistic film to come out this year in many ways and shows why romance truly is dead and why Hollywood is failing, everyone is so deeply unlikeable that you hate them all and just want the film to end.

This isn’t the sort of film Dakota Johnson should be making.

Overall, garbage.

0.5/5

Dakota Johnson tries

Cons.

It’s awful

It’s badly paced

All the characters are awful Hollywood cliches

It makes you feel depressed

It’s just needless

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The Drama: A Film That Shouldn’t Have Been Made

Summary, a couples wedding plans are thrown into disaary after a horrific secret from the bride’s past comes out.

So we are going to spoil this as it is important to talk about the twist and how it ruins the film massively, if you don’t want it spoiled then stop here and come back.

So when asked what the worst thing that Zendaya’s character had even done was, she replies she once planned a school shooting. Why did anyone think this was a good idea, this isn’t a drama film it’s being portrayed as a quirky rom-com, this was such a tasteless decision.

When the trailers came out we thought it was just going to be more modern Hollywood slop, as noted by the fact that almost all character are in an interracial relationship, however the reality is all together darker.

What’s more it feels like it was done to be shocking rather than for a good reason, and with the fact it seems like school shootings are happening more and more in the real world this seems incredibly in poor taste.

The film almost makes light of it at times.

Zendaya when asked directly about the tastelessness of the twist tried to play it off as comedy, it’s not comedy to make light of dead kids it’s just a bad look.

If Zendaya was a better actress maybe they could have done something to make the performance more rounded rather than just feeling like Zendaya playing herself as she always does.

If this is a foray into dark humour then it is one that goes too far.

Overall, a horrible film that never should have been made.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

The twist

It makes light of real tragedies

It uses the subject matter for shock value

It’s depressing

It’s vapid

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Super Mario Galaxy Movie: Nostalgia Missing A Soul

Summary, the Mario Brothers are threatened by the arrival of Bowser Jr who has set out to find his father after the events of the first film.

So on the press tour for this film Charlie Day was asked who his Luigi from recent American History was and said the murder who shot the CEO in an act of left wing defiance. This was pretty breaking at the time of writing this review, and sadly it does impact enjoyment of the film, as Luigi was a highlight before this incredibly poorly thought through statement.

The film itself is good and perfectly serviceable, and more of the same if you or your kids liked the first film you will like this, however, where this film is let down from the first is that it doesn’t have the same emotional core. The first film had Mario’s feelings of insecurity, Bowser’s love of Peach and even the depressed Luma to give the film stakes this one really doesn’t have that. You have the father son stuff with Bowser and his son, and the sisterhood storyline between Peach and Rosalita, but neither of these hit the same depth of feeling as the stuff from the first film. It was nice to see Mario and Peach as a couple get teased out more, this is an important part of the games that the first film did not spend enough time with. One assumed that that Mario asking Peach out would be one of the post credits scenes of the film but it wasn’t.

The adventure is interesting you see a lot of the galaxy and a lot of new things, this is mainly a chance to set up new films or to promote different IPs, obviously a film cannot spend the same amount of time with a universe as a game, but it does feel like in each of these cases it is just window dressing it is like look its Star Fox, or oh look its Daisy rather than having the world’s feel lived in or the characters seem like they matter. For example if they had replaced Star Fox with a different Nintendo character would it really have mattered at all, not really. That’s the problem in a nutshell. Nowhere is this truer than with Yoshi, not only do they have Yoshi be out and about in the over world without anyone thinking it was weird, but also all the character’s function is to follow Mario around and act like one of the minions characters. The fact is if you were to play one of the Yoshi games you would see the character has a lot more personality than he was given in the film.

The music was a lot better this time around, it was more classic game music rather than horribly forced in pop music, and the end credits that showed scenes from the film in puppet form was a lot of fun so it gets bonus points for those things.

Overall, it is serviceable and fun to a degree but there is a hollowness to it.

3/5

Pros.

Mario and Peach

The Music and Puppet Show

The scope of the film

Cons.

It has a lot of new characters but they don’t need to be there and it just feels like a shop window

The emotional core of the film is not enough

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Lily’s Ritual: Seedy and Creepy

One of us was able to see this at a film festival in Spain last year, and after things stopped getting in the way they were able to write up a review.

Below is that review.

A young woman is inducted into what she thinks is a wiccan sisterhood but it turns out to be something more sinister.

This film was enough to make you uncomfortable, not in the ways the film wants you to be uncomfortable but because it felt like a creepy old man directing and recording a group of young women in various states of undress and wetness, in terms of their clothing.

Moreover after the twist happens, the demon is interesting and the blood effects work. However the end wherein it is dancing around is just a little too pretentious, it is as though this film thinks it’s art.

Overall the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to be soft core or an art film.

0.5/5

Pros.

It’s short

Cons.

It’s creepy

It’s pretentious

It’s poorly acted

It’s dull

The twist is fairly obvious

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They Will Kill You: Landlords are Satanists

So in this outlets commentary on the killing fields for our latest cinema issues article we thought that this film would be totally eclipsed by Ready or Not 2. However, upon watching this film easily is the better.

Both films have the annoying sister gimmick, however, this one has far less time with them needing to coddle each other and talk about their feelings.

Asia is much cooler and more badass than Grace who rather than turn into a hardened survivor they just tread as a “mess”. The action in particular is great in this film and is well choreographed for the most part.

The Satanist stuff towards the end gets a little convoluted herein, but for the most part it works well as flavouring. It is again very similar to Ready or Not but it manages to be different in that the Devil figure behind the forces in this film takes a more active role. It must be stated the gimmick of immortality makes the stakes feel a hell of a lot lower.

Overall, a good film if a little flawed at times in terms of premise.

1/5

Pros.

Zazie Beetz is great

The action is good

The ending is amusing

Cons.

The pacing

The sister stuff as well as the immorality are plot issues

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Ready Or Not 2: No One Is Looking For This

Summary, Samara Weaving is back to play hide and seek.

This film was incredibly disappointing and not needed. Firstly the film did away with a lot of the humour of the first film, and for the most part was a more serious affair, mistake number 1. There was some humour but it was far more few and far between.

Secondly, the relationship between Weaving’s character and her sister played by Kathryn Newton was irritating. In the middle of being hunted they would stop and have a spat about who left who in the orphanage, it made no sense they would do that. Also the drama between the sisters and the need for them to work through it has been done to death. You’ve seen it in a number of films and done much better than this.

Thirdly there were whole shots wherein you just knew they were doing it so teen girls on Tiktok would go “yaaaas slay queen aesthetics”, these shots didn’t actually do anything to advance the plot but were done to appeal to the former Tumblr these days the blue sky crowd.

Overall, whilst this film slightly expands on the world of the film and you could argue that as a positive in nearly every other way it’s a regressive sequel that harms the first for having been made.

1/5

Pros.

It expands out the world

Cons.

The ending is bad

The humour is toned back

The sister stuff is boring and repetitive

The stuff for aesthetics

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House Of The Long Shadows: Attempting Welsh Accents

Summary, a manor house in Wales sees some horrific goings on.

It was nice to see this love letter to Hammer, however it did waste the talents of the returning cast of legends. None of them were starring or given all that much to do.

The slasher aspect had appeal, as seeing Peter Cushing, Vincent Price and Christopher Lee together in a slasher film is a new concept for the three. However the ending of the film ruined that by having a screw the audience flavour.

The ending of the film had two twists firstly all the slasher antics were the actions of the lead’s publisher and then after that the whole story including the publisher twist was all in the lead’s book that he was writing. This removed all the stakes and made it lame.

Overall, it edges a positive score more because of the cast than anything else however, the ending really ruins it’s chances of getting any higher.

3/5

Pros.

The cast

The unique premise

It is well paced

Cons.

The ending

The twists

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Scarlet: Even The Afterlife Can Appreciate J Pop

A Princess from long ago has her quest for vengeance interrupted by a medic from the modem era.

This wasn’t a perfect film by any means there was clear tonal issues and a mismatch in some scenes where the film felt a bit confused, however, it was still far better than anything western animation has put out in years.

This is centrally a two fold issue, firstly Scarlet looks a hell of a lot better than things like Hoppers, the animation style looks sharp and vibrant, whereas Hoppers looks like A.I slop 3D animation, that looks the same as many other films.

Then secondly you have the themes this had themes of love, war and acceptance, it had widely universal themes that many people can connect to, whereas something like Hoppers has left wing messaging seeded into its soul.

Watching this film you get a little angry, not at it, at how good aspects of this film are such as the animation such as the story and themes and it makes you think just how generic and bad western animation has become.

Overall, a film that whilst tonally confused at times has a lot of heart and wonderful animation.

3.5/5

Pros.

The heart

The story

The animation

The pacing

Cons.

The tonal confusion

The bloodless violence

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Project Hail Mary: Grogu 2.0

A school teacher helps his government and then is drugged and forcibly sent on a suicide mission.

This was a flawed film, in that it could comfortably have been 2 hours, there was no need for it to be as long as it was and a hell of a lot of it was filler scenes.

Rocky is easily the heart of the film and all of the scenes with him make the film, including the emotional payoffs. One would say that Rocky upstages Ryan Gosling across the course of the film repeatedly, and Rocky does at times have that sort of Baby Yoga energy.

In terms of being a hard science fiction film, the Martian is a lot better as it has a tighter focus and is less meandering, Interstellar is better as well. However, there is some appeal in that aspect here, it simply isn’t better than some of the other films in the space.

Overall, a competent film but nothing that will knock your socks off. Rocky will be a fan favourite.

3/5

Pros.

Rocky

The ending

It has appeal as a hard/realistic science fiction film

Cons.

The pacing is bad

It has been done better before

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How To Make A Killing: The Most Generic Film Of 2026

Summary, a man decides to kill off his relatives to inherit some money.

Incredibly generic would be the best way to describe this, this fable of where chasing wealth gets you is one you have seen about 1000 times before and many times done better than here.

Almost every single character in this film is intensely dislikeable, if you’re supposed to root for Powell’s everyman that would be news to us. In many senses it reflects the worst parts of American culture where everyone is just obsessed with money, whether they have it or not it’s seemingly all anyone can ever think about.

It is the sort of film that shouldn’t have made it pass the idea stage, let alone taking up space that could instead be given to other films.

Overall, Margaret Qually deserves better than this.

1/5

Pros.

It’s short.

Cons

You have seen this before

It is dull

It is stale

The ending makes the whole thing pointless

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