The Mean One: Like The Grinch But Worse

Summary

The Grinch, David Howard Thronton, goes bad and goes on a killing spree.

Basically if you have seen the Winnie The Poo slasher this is the same thing yet now with a Christmas character instead, I don’t think the Grinch is yet in the public domain so they call him The Mean One here instead.

In many ways this feels like a student film, and believe me that is harsh. None of it is particularly good, it is made on the cheap, near always dark even in places with lights on, the acting won’t be winning any awards any time soon and the film takes itself far too seriously. This film needs to be more like Nightmare On Elm Street and by that I mean it needs to have fun and embrace the ridiculousness rather than just being gritty.

I will give praise to Thronton he does bring the physicality as he did with Art, he is a good choice to play the titular Mean One, but sadly he isn’t given much of any note or interest to do, still we do get a few good gruesome kills for all the gore hounds out there.

Overall, not a new horror Christmas classic and more fodder for the horror twist of a beloved family film school of schlock

1/5

Pros.

A few good kills

Cons.

It is dumb

The characters aren’t likeable

It doesn’t have fun with it

It is too dark to see anything most of the time

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A Colorado Christmas: Vomit Inducing

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A country music star, Brit Ellerman, falls in love with a single mum, Luba Bocain, and has an all American Christmas.

Reviewing Christmas films in February, that is what happens when you fall behind on your backlog, anyway, maybe long enough has past that people are counting down to Christmas again and wishing it was the jolliest season, one can hope at least.

Anyway, there isn’t a huge amount to say except this is exactly what you would expect, it is the most generic form of the textbook. It feels so middle America, yee-haw, that you could imagine this being shown at a Trump rally for how family values should be and for how America is the greatest country on Earth.

If you can put aside the downright fantasy elements of a lot of it, then the sickeningly sweet sentimentality of it all will kill you off. All the characters are troubled and all they need is a little love and family to fix everything wrong with them, you set up the idea that the country music guy isn’t happy in his life and wants a change, will having a family really do that? Wouldn’t changing career paths make more sense.

Overall, it is the sort of pap you watch near Christmas but I think it’s more Pureflix sort of vibe drags it down. Furthermore if you don’t like the yee-haw sort of America I’d give this one a skip too.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is fine

Bocain is clearly a talented actor and deserves a lot better than this

Cons.

The overtly Christian overtones that make it feel like a faith film

The yee-haw America vibe

The sentimentality

It is too long

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White Christmas: Frighteningly Pro-Military

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A Christmas classic featuring one of the most well known Christmas songs of all time.

Personally I can see why people like this film, but for me it left me cold. Maybe it is the outdated views which make parts of it feel problematic or just how into the Army this film is but there was something about it that I just didn’t like.

Moreover, a lot of the songs, outside of the obviously fantastic titular song, ended up sounding the same and in the end the musical numbers became tedious because it was just constantly more of the same rather than any form of variety or range.

I did enjoy the sentimentality of the story, however, and thought that the central kind deed feels very in-keeping with the meaning of the season.

Overall, not a Christmas film that I believe ages well.

2/5

Pros.

The sentimentality

It is watchable

Cons.

The songs

It ages poorly

It is very pro-Army

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The Noel Diary: A Strong Sense Of The Familiar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Justin Hartley plays a writer who must return to his childhood home and face the demons he has been running from as he clears out his dead mother’s possessions.

In terms of Christmas rom-coms this film is fairly bang average, there is nothing much to write about with it. The plot of a successful man returning home, confronting his past, making peace with it all the while falling in love with a local girl, played by Barrett Doss, is all very by the numbers for this sort of film. Again it seems like someone with a checklist is crossing off story beats as the film progresses, there is no element of surprise or the new here.

Hartly and Doss are fine, they are both serviceable enough but have neither the charm nor the chemistry to liven this film up. James Remar briefly lights up proceedings but he is barely in the film and after we have met him his absence is sorely felt.

Overall, serviceable but nothing more than that.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

Remar brings something to the film but is mostly underused

It is fairly short

Cons.

It is predictable and been there done that

It is poorly paced

It is boring

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Arthur Christmas: Getting The Same Present You Have Had For Christmas Over And Over Again

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Arthur Claus, voiced by James McAvoy, the bumbling but well-meaning son of Santa Claus, played by Jim Broadbent, embarks on his own personal Christmas mission when he realises that a Child has had their gift left behind.

I have heard a lot of people sing the praises of this film, but personally after watching it for the first time this Christmas season I just don’t see what is so good about it.

To be blunt with you there was nothing here that hasn’t been done better before in other animated movies, from lessons about self-reliance to not judging a book by its cover to family relations all of these themes that the film tries to explore have been done better elsewhere. Adding to this the plot mostly feels cliched and entirely predictable, you know from the off how it is going to go and how it will end and whilst for some watching this that narrative safety might be an endearing feature of the film, for me I felt it was boring.

To further build out the list of problems facing this film, the characters have no charm to them at all, and this is in part because of the writing but also because of the incredibly timid voice work done across the board. Both Sony Animation and Aardman have put out better characters that are far more charming than these dozens of times in the past, so who knows why they think this would fly here.

Overall, a watchable film and one that is good to use to mindlessly distract kids in the run up to or even on Christmas day but not one that has any merit beyond that.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It would entertain little kids and would make a good distraction for them if any parent is looking to have some time to themselves during the Holidays

Cons.

It is boring

It is uninspired

The voice cast are only in it for the pay checks

I’ve seen all of its ideas and situations before

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Violent Night: A Father Christmas You Can Relate Too

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After having lost his Christmas spirit Father Christmas, played by David Harbour, becomes caught up in a home invasion and must fight to save Christmas.

I thought this film was damn near excellent. My one complaint would be that we have seen the grizzled veteran who doesn’t want to fight anymore, who doesn’t know where they stand in the world anymore, or even whether they want to carry on any more character trope so, so many times before that it feels a little repetitive. Also having a child restoring this person’s faith in either themselves or the world only adds to the cliché.

That aside this film is just what I wanted it to be, a silly gory good time. I think the tone manages to perfectly capture both the seriousness and the humour of the situation, dark things do happen but it is all taken in good humour. The film is actually quite surprisingly funny with a lot of good commentary and strong one liners that will have you laughing not just as you watch the film but also when you remember them later on your way home.

However, I think the main strength of this film is David Harbour. As I said not long after watching the film on Twitter, if you cast anyone else in the role of Santa Claus this film would be infinitely worse. Harbour pulls off not just the physicality for the fight scenes but also the likeability to make you want him to beat the home invaders and be reunited with his wife at the end of the film.

Overall, a lot of fun and David Harbour really shines.

4.5/5

Pros.

Harbour

The gore

The silliness

The message

You genuinely end up caring about Santa and Mrs Claus

Cons.

The characters are cliches

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Scrooge A Christmas Carol: The Very Worst Seasonal Musical

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A musical take on A Christmas Carol, but without the talent or the charm needed to pull that off.

Netflix has had quite a good track record of bringing out really good animated Christmas films they’ve had Klaus and Robin Robin, both of those films have become instant classics that I want to watch every year, however, this film really missed the mark for me and left me cold.

The main problem with this film is that it did nothing new with the story, sure it added a few extra lines here and there and reworded some stuff to make it more modern but if you compare this film to Apple’s Spirited where there is drastically different new elements to the classic tale, this is just more of the same but with a few bad new lines and even worse songs.

Don’t even get me started on the songs, they range from irritating to truly tuneless and awful and it leaves you questioning if the musical numbers are this bad why didn’t they decide to just have it be a normal non-musical film and scrap them in post?

The voice acting cast should have been able to bring the film together despite all of its various problems there is a lot of talent involved, such as Jessie Buckley, Olivia Coleman and Luke Evans, however, not a one of them turn up and for the most part it just feels like they are there for the paycheck and nothing else.

Overall, A disappointing waste.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

It is relatively short

Cons.

It is a worse version of a classic

The few new changes make it inferior

The songs are awful

The voice actors clearly don’t care

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Your Christmas Or Mine: Whoever Wrote This Doesn’t Understand England As Country Or How People Interact

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After parting at Christmas a young couple decide to surprise each other by getting onto the other’s train, but are then both surprised when the other isn’t there and has to spend Christmas with their families.

I found this film infuriating, the writing is so damn poor that any chance it ever had of being a new Christmas based rom-com to be remembered for years to come is quickly squandered in the first few minutes. The fact that it takes them a long time to even have the character explain the mix up to their other halves’ family and until that point just has them be a stranger in the household that no one questions is baffling.

Asa Butterfield does make for a likeable lead but the rest of the cast are either miscast, going through the motions or are non-entities, what is really shocking is how the film wastes some veteran performers as well.

The central romance is fairly weak and all the trials and tribulations the pair have to go through are nothing you haven’t seen done better before.

Overall, an incredibly poorly written Christmas rom-com.

Pros.

Butterfield is trying

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The writing is terrible

It wastes some great actors

The wider casting is all wrong

The pace is very much off

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The Royal Nanny: Maybe Megan Markle Was An Intelligence Officer Before Becoming A Royal

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After detecting a threat to the monarchy the British secret service send in Claire, played by Rachel Skarsten, to act as their agent on the inside and of course whilst there she ends up falling in love with a prince, played by Dan Jeannotte.

I enjoyed this for the most part, it wasn’t the best film I have seen all year or even all week for that matter but it was dumb escapist fun and that should count for something. I liked the nonsensical plot that despite that had a very clear ending from the beginning, and I liked that the film didn’t take itself too seriously.

I thought Skarsten was a good lead and was charming enough to carry the film and to pull off the love story. However, the rest of the cast struggled deeply and were either fairly bland in terms of their performance or were so bad at doing the type of English accent they were trying for that it was distracting. Something that wider audience might not have noticed or picked up on but something that a Brit could notice keenly.

Overall, a fun if at times wonky film.

Pros.

Skarsten

The silly plot

The romance is easy to warm to

Cons.

The accents

It is very predictable

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Spirited: Dickens Meets Dance

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A modern take on A Christmas Carol with songs and Deadpool.

There are times when this film is painfully cringe, mainly during the songs, but for the most part I enjoyed this updated take on the Dickensian world and think that it is rife for future expansion. Within the classic tale the ghosts were always the most interesting part, and this film knows that and so decides to explore them and their world more thoroughly, which is a smart move.

The songs are easily the worst part of the film and often don’t work. Some of them do land, but not enough of them. The ones that are bad either feel like knock-offs from other musicals or they feel like far too try hardy. The film even makes a joke of calling out the songs, having a whole character whose whole bit is to say really do we need more songs, but as many of you who have followed my writings for a while will know, just because you call out your own bad writing, or in this case bad songs, it doesn’t suddenly make them good.

I think both Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynold do a good job here and their friendship is quite genuinely believable, I would have liked more scenes of the two of them talking and getting to know each other and their worlds rather than all of the singing but hey that’s me.

Overall, a fun Christmas film let down by some bad songs.

Pros.

Reynolds

Ferrell

It is a lot of fun

There are some funny moments

Cons.

The songs aren’t very good

Pacing issues

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