Alien: A Crumbling Classic

Summary

One of the supposed greats struggles to hold up.

I have not watched the original Alien in years, since I was a little kid, and upon watching it now I began to notice some issues with it. I know many people consider this a classic, but it has a brutal first act, the first thirty minutes where nothing much happens beyond they discuss pay disputes and begin to set out on a rescue mission is brutally slow.

I enjoy and appreciate the aesthetic of this film, be it the very Seventies esque futuristic tech, or the very gothic inspired cinematography, however, I think the pacing is just too much. Once the alien arrives things start to pick up, and yes I know that the franchise needs the first thirty minutes to set up world and history and what not, but it doesn’t help how dry it is.

Ripley, Sigourney Weaver, is still one of the best heroines of all time and when it is her facing down the alien we are back on stride, though it must be said that none of the characters other than her, and that’s including John hurt’s character, have very much to do at all are fairly one dimensional.

Overall, perhaps its modern pacing that has made me unable to cope with the first act of this film, but whilst what comes later is good, the opening is incredibly off putting in terms of pace.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

Weaver

The look of the film

Cons.

The first act

Some one dimensional characters

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The Loch Ness Horror: Why Do Even Our Straight To Streaming Movies Need Americans In Them

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Whilst exploring Loch Ness a submarine comes into some trouble.

Yes you heard that right folks there’s a submarine in Loch Ness a closed body of water that has limited access ways to the wider sea or the coast, clearly it was airlifted in.

This film is a cross between a student film under very very very low budget indie, at times the production values are so incredibly cheap that you question if the whole thing is not just some AI experiment. There are exterior shots of the ship that goes to rescue the submarine that quite clearly aren’t real.

The acting if one could call it that, reminds me of the sort of acting you might see out of an nepo child after their daddy has paid their way into the film. You have a mixture of can’t do an accent, won’t do an accent, and a few scatterings of Americans thrown in there because they can’t get any work back in the States.

As someone who has been to Loch Ness I don’t understand why this film couldn’t even use shots of the location, were they too poor to afford it, did the location say no? Who knows, but one thing I can say for sure is that this film knows nothing about the lore of the Loch Ness Monster, and just stitches together some bad monster movie cliches in order to have something barely resembles a coherent storyline.

Overall, why did I watch this, why did people make this, why did this need to exist, all of these and more are more entertaining questions than anything this film can put forward.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It is not even in so bad it is good territory

It looks cheap

It knows nothing of the creature and its lore

It is dumb

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Twisters: Yee-Haw I’M Gonna Wrestle Me A Twister

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yee-haw non Californian cinema is back.

I went into this with incredibly low expectations, I have never seen the original and I believe the disaster movie genre peaked and died well over five years ago. However, there was just something about the Midwestern charm of this film that made me invested. If there is one thing I can say for this film it’s incredibly fun, it is a good time at the movies, it really doesn’t need to be more than that.

I appreciated that this film did not give us a climate change PSA, it was clearly there if you want to see it but it was not rammed down our throats as many recent releases have been doing with climate change and other messages. The scale of these tornadoes seemed both epic and also at times quite menacing, it had both an intimate and also end of the world feel to it especially in the third act. The tornado effects were simply stunning and I believe that they will age very well.

Glenn Powell is as charming as ever, you really by the romance between him and Daisy Edgar-Jones’ character, though there is an element of Hallmark-ness to their romance. I found the 1st 10 minutes of the film to be a little bit predictable and obvious as it was clear that they were all going to die hence they would need to get a new crew for later in the film and a new love interest. I think it is a typical case of the trailers and pre-release information giving too much away, we all knew that Powell was the leading man so Edgar-Jones’ college boyfriend needed to die.

Overall, a fun summer trip to the cinema

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

It doesn’t preach at you

The tornado effects

It is charming

Cons.

There are some long drawn out exposition scenes that hamper pacing a bit

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Long Legs: Nicolas Cage Makes Some Dolls And Screams About His Mom And Dad

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hunt for a serial killer begins.

Many people were upset with this film expecting it to be something it wasn’t. The marketing suggested this film to be a crime thriller ala Silence Of The Lambs, however, the film was far more of a supernatural horror film and for me that worked.

Much like with Ti West, Osgood Perkin’s to me as a director is incredibly hit and miss, whilst he can make a scary film he can also make art house garbage, as such I went into this with low expectations. I must say in every way this film blew me away, not only was it coherent, but it was also incredibly scary, I may say that this film is the scariest of the year so far. This was especially true as the more supernatural elements began to develop in the plot, the idea of the dolls and the devil was used very effectively here. Another thing that’s praiseworthy is the fact that the film relied on an atmosphere rather than cheap jump scares, which diverges the film from a lot of recent horror releases.

Maika Monroe is quickly becoming a scream queen, if not THE scream queen of our age, she plays the lead here with equal amounts of charm and unease. She commands attention but can also be quite comedic at times, there is a scene in which a little girl invites her character to a birthday party and it is some of the best cringe comedy that you might ever see.

My two main gripes of this film are both fairly minor. Firstly, I don’t like how much of a willing participant the mum becomes, as the narrative of the film suggests she’s just doing it to keep her daughter alive, to me this shift in motivations doesn’t make sense. They could have explained this away by her becoming possessed or something but they don’t. Secondly, though I am a massive fan I think Nicolas Cage was miscast here, so his character looks scary sure, but Cage’s delivery and performance makes the character almost a joke at times and is distractingly bad. They have seemingly let Cage go full Cage and this film didn’t require or need that, if anything it hurts it.

Overall, one of the best horror films of the year so far

4/5

Pros.

It is scary

The mythology

Monroe

It is well paced and keeps a good atmosphere

Cons.

The mother’s character motivations

Cage is wrong for the part

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The Bottom Dweller

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple get some unexpected money from the IRS and then go about spending it whilst looking over their shoulder.

I thought that this film was nice wish fulfilment, the idea of getting a large sum of money and just spending it is always satisfying to see realised on screen as you get to think what would you do in that situation if you got that same amount of money.

As for the comedy of the film, I thought that there were a few humorous over the top situations that came about as a result of them spending their money like it was going out of fashion, however, I would say it was not as funny as The Golden Boys, by the same studios, as I prefer absurdism.

I think that the characters feel like real people and that is nice and you can really buy into the world of the film and relate to them.

Overall, a fun time but one that is not as laugh a minute as the studios’ other work

3/5

Pros.

Some good jokes

Relatable characters

A good pace

Cons.

It repeats some unfunny jokes

It doesn’t fully develop its premise in a meaningful way

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The Golden Boys

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two friends head out to catch a bank robber with a little help from some unlikely allies.

This film made me laugh. As it is a comedy film I could leave the review right there and it would have succeeded in what it set out to do, but I’ll go a little further.

In many senses this film reminded me of something like Fargo, it had crime elements but also some comedy, and where I would say is the main point of divergence which for me makes this better is that where the former has dark comedy elements this is a lot more light. As many of you who read my reviews on the regular know, I find dark comedy to be a trying genre that is incredibly hit and miss, so I am glad this is more goofball comedy than dark.

I think the blending of this tale of these two friends setting out to catch a bank robber, which whilst silly has some serious elements, with the fact they are in a Golden Girls fan club and have a series off odd friends from that come and help them out is pure gold. It has a lot of good belly laughing sort of jokes and set pieces that have you smiling even when you aren’t laughing.

It is a very hard to dislike sort of film.

Overall, a fun silly comedy film that is just the ticket when looking for something to cheer you up when you’re down.

4/5

Pros.

It is funny

The merging of serious and silly

The characters are all likeable

The Golden Girls references

Cons.

A few light pacing issues

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Irish Wish: Lohan’s Wish Should Have Been To Redo Her Career

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Lindsay Lohan plays a book editor who travels to Ireland and hangs out with a Saint, yes this is what Netflix has come to.

I enjoy a so bad it’s good Hallmark, or Hallmark like romcom film just as much as the next person, but I have to say, and maybe it’s the quarter Irish blood in me, that this film is offensively bad. It is not 0/5 bad as there was still some jokes to be had at the films expense, but it is fairly egregious. The main reason for this being but the film is given the Emily in Paris treatment, all of the Irish characters are reduced to stereotypes and cheap caricatures, and of course the isle has to be magical because why leave cliches behind. The only way this film could have been more stereotypical would have been if she had her wish granted by a Leprechaun rather than a Saint.

However, the worst crime this film commits is that it’s boring, there were multiple moments where I considered turning off and I watch a lot of these sort of films every year especially around Christmas so I’m used to it. The issue here being that you just don’t care about a lot of the characters, such as they have a long series of side cutaways about Lohan’s characters mother, played by Jane Seymour, that just go nowhere she doesn’t even turn up in Ireland. It is due to how dull and undeveloped these characters are that the dull scenes feel even duller.

Overall, a Netflix rom-com that whilst has a number of so bad it is good laughs also suffers from some incredibly bad pacing and being boring.

2/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad

Lohan tries her best

Cons.

Pacing

It is boring at times

It is deeply offensive to the Irish

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Kinds of Kindness: The Wrong Kind Of Experiment

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A trilogy of tales that have no business being together.

I have been a fan of this director for a long time, the Lobster, the Favourite and Poor Things are all terrific films, this however, is a failed experiment. It is a film that wants to be experimental, that wants to challenge audiences, it will not be what you’re expecting it to be, and that is not a bad thing if it works, but it just doesn’t.

We are presented with three tales, one of which is bad one, of which has somewhat redeeming elements but is mostly bad, and one that works well. Sadly the good segment the 2nd segment is not the front or the end of the trilogy but rather smack dab in the middle meaning you don’t get the satisfying good start to the feature nor the big finish to salvage a mixed product, you start the film feeling disappointed and you end the film feeling disappointed.

Now to get into why the segments work or don’t work, crucially comes down to execution. The first segment is about power and control and what we’ll do to have stability in our lives yet the segment doesn’t go far enough to demonstrate this and is far too ambiguous in its ending. Secondly, we get a segment about loved ones and what we would do to have one that we thought lost back, this segment works because the concept is strong enough that it makes up for poor execution whereas the other two can’t be saved like this. The idea of the double is a horror mainstay and it is so for a reason, it is effective. Thirdly, we get a segment about religion and cults which could be interesting there is enough new, novel and intriguing ideas here to create a feature film of its own, however the film squanders the time it has in this segment, it does silly things like have Emma Stone do a TikTok dance when we could be giving the characters a satisfying ending.

In a sense this film reads like someone taking a victory lap not making a film for a mass market audience, but rather making it for themselves and assuming they are enough of a name to draw in audiences.

Overall, a film with a strong series of premises but one that can’t execute on most of them.

2.5/5

Some funny moments

The second segment works

It has a lot of good ideas

Cons.

The first and third segment don’t come together

It is too experimental

The Tik Tok dance

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Maxxxine: Which Actors Haven’t Done Porn

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Mia Goth fresh from her controversies rounds out her horror trilogy.

As some of you may know I am not a fan of Ti West as a horror director there is just something about his style of shock horror that I have never cared for and found off putting. In a sense I think shock horror can often fall on the wrong side of lazy and be disgusting or controversial for the sake of it.

Whilst West’s trilogy here for the most part has stayed on the positive side of this line and not veered off too much into the wrong side of shock horror. However, when the film does try to be shocking such as with the reveal of the religious cult it comes off as confused. Whilst West’s trilogy can be seen to reflect an idea of embracing grime and hardship in order to succeed, and that negative aspects of life are important especially in the face of zealous religious upbringings, the message doesn’t quite come home with the rounding out of this trilogy, and instead the religious cult feels like a joke.

Goth continues to play the character of Maxine with the same unhinged determination she did in the previous films, however for anyone looking for further depths or more aspects to this character or Goth’s performance they will be sorely left wanting. In terms of characterization it is more of the same, yes we get to see the interaction between child and parent but that isn’t as illuminating as fans of the trilogy would want it to be.

The main highlight of this film for me, is a surprisingly great and at times menacing turn from Kevin Bacon, true he only has a minor role but he makes the most of every second of screen time he gets.

At times the world of this film becomes more interesting than the story we’ve been presented with on screen, my takeaway from that is that more film should explore Hollywood during this time period, delve deeper into the grime whether they’re a horror film or not.

Overall Maxxine is the best of the trilogy and one of West’s better films, however, there is something lacking that keeps it from being truly great.

2.5/5

Pros.

The world

Bacon

Some good tense moments

Cons.

Goth is limited in her performance

It doesn’t go as far as you would want with the Cult

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Sting: There Is Nothing More Scary And Depressing Than A Flat Block

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Arachnophobia in the confines of a flat block.

I have never suffered with a fear of spiders, I have known many who have and to them this film must be terrifying. Essentially this film is a creature feature with an air not too dissimilar to Evil Dead Rise, though that was more about demons than spiders. There is something about the urban decay of an apartment block that makes the threat posed by this film feel far more real and lived.

I thought there were a number of good grisly moments, as well as some light body horror/gore nothing too strong however. I would say this film definitely leans on more of a comedic side of horror than an actual scary side, with their being a degree of levity to the spider kills.

I would say this theme that has been recurring in 2024 of step dads needing to assert themselves and find their place in the family unit is becoming drawn out and I would dare say overplayed. Whilst the story can be done in an endearing way it quite often repeats the beats seen in other films which gives off a repetitive feeling especially if you are a repeat watcher of horror films

Overall, fun but not the greatest horror film you will see this year.

3/5

Pros.

The kills

The confines

Some of the silly aspects work

Cons.

It is badly paced

Too much family drama

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