Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutant Mayhem: A Mash Up Of Someone Being Sick

Summary

Hello fellow children, a group of 40 year old guys reinvent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Gen Z and it uses all the buzz words you would expect but does that make up for the glaring issues? No.

I liked Splinter, voiced by the Communist Parties’ own Jackie Chan, and both his role as more of a goofy dad and also his whole arc about learning to trust humans again. I thought both were well done and got you to care about the character. I also thought that the animation style worked well and that during the fight scenes it really popped.

However, that is where my praise ends and my criticism of this film comes in four directions, the turtles themselves, April, the cringe lingo and the horribly and I mean horribly overstuffed cast.

So the turtles themselves bothered me as by having kids voice them it gave them a nasal quality at times that I found made them grating. Moreover, I didn’t like the whole oh they just want to go to high school thing it felt very contrived and out of character for them. When I watched the TMNT cartoon’s as a kid they wanted to be accepted sure but at the same time they want to be ninjas in the shadows not high school students.

April, voiced by Ayo Edebiri, is irritating not because of the race swap or what they did with her character design, but because her character really has no purpose other than to comment on the turtles and go ‘man that’s crazy’, which gets real old real soon. Oh and that’s almost forgetting her side story about sick which they reference again and again in a gross out sort of way to try and give her some character development which doesn’t really work.

The cringe lingo is seeing words like ‘sus’ which unless you are of a certain age or under a certain age you won’t know what that means. Again it is 40 something writers trying to seem hip and write how they think kids today talk. Moreover, the dialogue between the brothers is also quite grating, so I get that it is supposed to be what teenage banter between brothers would actually be like but again it just sounds like kids talking over each other a lot of the time and from a sound mixing point of view that was not great. Perhaps I am just comparing this to the version of the animated show I remember from childhood.

Finally there are just too many characters here, whilst yes some if not all of them are classic TMNT characters they were not all needed here by any means, it also means you have limited scope for villains in the future if they are all pally now. It tries to do too much.

Overall, okay with some redeeming moments but by and large this tries to modernise the turtles and makes them almost unrecognizable.

2.5/5

Pros.

Splinter

Some of the jokes

There is fun to be had

Cons.

The cringey slang

Too many characters

The turtle voices

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Kung Fu Panda 4: The Battle Against Irrelevance

Written by Luke Barnes

Po, voiced by Jack Black, is back and like every modern movie he needs to pass the torch onto a new dragon warrior.

So for the most part I thought this was fine, it was watchable enough and not particularly offensive in anyway. I think this was probably the worst written of the series and had the weakest plot and also emotional stakes, though I did like the moment Tai Lung, voiced by Ian McShane, gave Po his respect at the end of the film.

The successor narrative is one that Hollywood seems to be obsessed with recently, all of our beloved heroes need to pass the mantle to keep the franchise going as the creators don’t realise that there is a reason that Batman has stuck around for decades and hasn’t been retired just recast. My point is that rather than recast and move on they should keep Jack Black front and centre as he is who people are coming to see, people don’t want a new Dragon Warrior.

In terms of other narrative elements I thought Awkwafina’s new character was weak as hell, it was obvious she was a baddie who would turn it around and I didn’t buy the relationship between her and Po the film tries to set up. I understand that animation is often seen as for children but that doesn’t mean they can just serve dumb churned out slop. Moreover, the two dads, yes they do that joke a lot, b plot has some laughs but they mostly exist to kill time as the film quickly gets to its end point and then goes wait a minute we need to kill some more time what can we add.

The new villain is easily the worst of the series, for two key reason’s firstly she has no emotional backstory or personality you can engage with again she has a few jokes but that is it. Secondly, rather than have her own fighting style or anything like that they just have her use past villains moves, it is like creatively they are bankrupt so they decided to go instead of creating a new villain let’s just remix all the old ones within a bland new shell.

Also the lack of the Furious Five is a glaring omission.

Overall, a disappointing and unnecessary new entry.

2/5

Pros.

A few funny jokes

It has a good set piece battle on a cliff edge

Cons.

The villain is weak

The new Dragon Warrior is bland

The missing Furious Five

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Immaculate: Sydney Sweeney Dressing Up As A Nun

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Syndey Sweeny becomes a nun.

I truly think that Hollywood needs to stop it with the nun film at this point. The whole plot of this film was so predictable not only from previous nun horror films but also from other films about evil pregnancies, there was more than a little Rosemary’s Baby here. Maybe the creatives think they can get away with it thinking the audience is too young to have watched that film so not see the lifted elements.

The scares on the whole were a mixed bag they tried to do some atmospheric stuff and have it not all be jump scares which I appreciated, but they couldn’t manage it. Whenever they tried to go for a more thoughtful scare it just came off as pretentious and the jump scares were obvious but effective in this case.

Sweeny was fine, her profile is getting raised a little too much if you ask me, it was more of what we have seen from her before she plays the innocent all American girl and then starts to realise things are bad. Honestly be in here, in Madame Web, or in Reality it is all just the same performance, which worked for people like Will Ferrel or Jack Black so I am sure it will for her as well however I don’t believe she should be held up as this great actor when it is just one performance replicated.

The one thing I will give this film credit for is the scene in which the baby is killed, I think that it is highly effective and I am glad they featured it even though it will no doubt get backlash especially in places like the US. Personally I would have shown the baby as being clearly demonic or monstrous then had her smash it and gone the whole hog in showing it for the shock value of it, think of how much attention it would have got for the film, but even though it didn’t go as far as I’d like it to it still did enough to impress me.

Overall, a fairly generic nun horror movie.

2/5

Pros

The ending

A few good if obvious jump scares

It is well paced

Cons

It is pretentious at times

Not all of the scares work

Sweeney

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Love Lies Bleeding: Thelma And Louise Did It Better

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Kind of like Thelma And Louise.

So this film was not going to be for everyone, that was kind of the point. However, I like crime films so I thought I would give it a try, even if the trailers left me cold. This was a mistake.

So the film wasn’t terrible and does have good stakes and a mostly compelling story, but I think that in many senses this film tries too hard to be different and in doing that isn’t really what anyone wants it to be. Mainly this is evidenced as the film has shifts in tone, one minute they’ll be something very intense going on and then a few minutes later it’ll be something more trippy and light hearted, or as light-hearted as you can get in a crime film. My point is that the film does not have one consistent tone throughout, which as everyone knows is a detriment to any film.

Another thing that will be off putting to potential viewers is that this film is smug and seems to think that it is deeper and more ground breaking than it actually is. In my opinion the reason the film suffers from this is because we mythologise directors particularly when they come from the indie circuit, look at the hype an Eggers or Aster could get for a project, as such and after the massive amount of praise and in a sense fandom Rose Glass got after Saint Maud there was no way she was not going into this with a high ego. Hence, she has bought her own hype thinking this film is some important trend-setting thing when as I said above Thelma and Louise kind of already did a lot of this stuff a long time ago.

Finally I didn’t buy the chemistry between the leads. I thought both did a fine job as there characters, however, I didn’t believe they were a couple or had feelings for each other or really anything like that. What makes this so much worse is the fact that it is a big part of the films narrative and it is important to the film working as a whole.

Overall, a film that suffers from a lack of charm, tonal consistency and an overinflated sense of self. Though to some this may become a cult classic.

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

The style of the film works well

Cons.

The central romantic pairing doesn’t feel believable

It has a smugness to it

The tone is a mess

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Godzilla X Kong: I Miss The Time Before CGI

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

They still haven’t learn the lesson of, if you are making a monster-verse film ditch the humans.

So I think that to perfectly encapsulate this film I’ll describe the first 10-15 minutes of it for you, Kong is fighting some creatures and is hurt there is something happening in the hollow earth, there is practically no dialogue at all during this section instead it is just Kong making various noises.

If that sounds appealing to you then probably leave now as this review is from the point of view that found that tedious. I like monster movies where it is just them having a crazy battle and there isn’t much more to it then that, when Godzilla thinks he’s won there is Rodan and it all kicks up a notch. I don’t think we need the monsters to have emotional arcs, I don’t think we need Kong searching for a family. Personally I just want to see Kong smash not be broody but hey that’s me.

Moreover, the humans are dull, you have some bland chosen girl storyline and a mum, Rebecca Hall, whose only two defining characteristics are that she is smart and that she is worried about losing her child, she is nothing more than that and has no further personality. In many senses you could see this was written by men who struggle to write either female characters or meaningful ones at least as Hall is given nothing to work with here. Brian Tyree Henry comes back from King Of The Monsters which could have been good but they just make him the comedic support, which honestly feels a little racist. A prominent POC character who has no personality, again like Hall’s character, outside of oh he’s a podcast nerd, and they make him into a joke to be mocked by all the other characters.

Finally when you get to the moment you were looking forward too, after looking at your phone at least 3 times to see if it was almost over, there is no soul. When Godzilla and Kong team up to fight the Monkey with the whip, again very little development or backstory, and Godzilla in a white camo, even less development and backstory, it just descends into a bland CGI fest that makes you fondly remember the older Japanese Godzilla films and think does CGI actually make third acts better.

Overall, bland and mostly in offensive with one or two good moments.

2/5

Pros.

Mothra gets proper attention

One or two moments where you care

Cons.

It is bland for the most part particularly the third act

The human characters shouldn’t be there

There are a lot of caricatures and not a lot of characters

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Civil War: Guess Who The Bad Guy Is

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A civil war breaks out in the US but the thing that will kill you is not the air strikes or the bullets but the incredibly obvious message that is being beaten into your face until it’s a pulp.

What shocks me the most about this film is that it was made by a British director, normally it is the American’s that put their politics front and centre and think that the Red vs Blue struggle makes for interesting viewing for those far from their shores, it doesn’t we don’t care, but no here it was a Brit.

Alex Garland as far as I am concerned is a hack, Ex Machina was okay but really nothing to write home about, then came his messy and pretentious foray with Netflix, then Men another statement film that came and went without anyone caring about it and now this. There is talk that he is going to give up directing after this and all I can say is thank God.

Before I get into it, can you guess what the message was, go on I’ll give you a minute though you won’t need it……………

If you guess that the clear Trump stand in right wing American’s are bad for the sheer fact of existing, and that it is as much a comment on how divided America is right now as it is that the right wing should just go away and everything will be better. Believe me I am no fan of Trump, I am as a non-American who has no interest in US politics thought the guy was a bad joke that shows what happens when you underfund your schools, but this strawman argument is beyond ridiculous. The whole point of the film is to be controversial but not in the sense that it is going to take shots at the left and the right, no in the sense that it goes oh look at how extreme the MAGA crowd is boy aren’t they bad, an obvious statement to make, and then takes a victory lap to bask in how profound that message is.

Overall, the film industry will be a better place without Alex Garland in it.

1/5

Pros.

The action is interesting

Cons.

The message is so obvious

It is pretentious and smug

It is incredibly obvious

No one cares about an election that happened 4 years ago now serving as the very obvious inspiration for a film

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The Silver Surfer No One Asked For

Written by Luke Barnes

This piece will talk about Marvel and the recent Fantastic Four casting news. A moment before we get into it, I know the female version of the Silver Surfer exists in the comics, minorly, and I know this is not in the main universe but rather an alternative timeline. Neither thing changes my point.

Remember a month or so ago when Bob Iger said that Disney was going to do a pivot and focus a little bit less on the message, or something like that, I remember it and I met it with cautious optimism, but now I am beginning to question whether I was dreaming that and if it ever happened. The news that inspired the current piece is that Julia Garner is playing a female version of the Silver Surfer in the upcoming Fantastic Four film, not gender flipped.

What bothers me about this is not the fact that even with CGI the actor looks nothing like the character from the comics she is far too small for it, but rather that this is what Marvel are leading with. Why couldn’t they just give us the Fantastic Four as they normally are with the regular Silver Surfer and Galactus and then bring her in later. Why did they have to present the news as if she was the Silver Surfer, with a suggested gender flip. I think the answer is obvious.

At the risk of sounding cynical Kevin Feige doesn’t get it, many people thought when Victoria Alonso stepped back the gender/race swaps and the subversions of classic stories would stop, but no. Personally I believe that this is bigger than Alonso and I think it is Feige himself pushing this through because you have to believe Bob Iger doesn’t want this especially with the way it went down online.

I think two things are at play here, firstly Feige or someone high up at Marvel studios didn’t like how male skewing the team was, as they have always been and been popular as, so they decided they needed to add another woman to the cast in order to make sure no one called them an ist or so such like that. Secondly, I think Marvel are aware how this will go down and are trying to hate farm it for attention, with the idea that all publicity is good publicity as even with the casting announcements I have not seen anyone talking about this film online. Maybe they thought they would bring it back in some way, the outrage would get interest. I don’t know but I will say this there is a reason they didn’t lead with the well known and well liked version of the Surfer that fans wanted, they may try and say that they are saving him for something or that oh you’ll get both but I personally think the way they announced it was a clear attempt to hate farm and get attention with an unpopular announcement. It looks like it worked.

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Drive Away Dolls: Incredibly Sexualised Lesbians

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two young women, Geraldine Viswanathan and Margaret Qualley, travel across the States to find themselves and deliver a rather compromising package.

I want to preface this review by saying that I have never been a fan of the Cohen Brothers, though their films are lauded I only ever liked Inside Llewyn Davis. Here we only get one half of the directing duo and I have to say that is a deeply average film.

At the risk of offending, this film makes lesbians, both of the lead characters are, out to be sex crazed. Whilst a lot of films have done this with men over the years, so why not women is a valid point, but I would say that it is reductive. In the case of Viswanathan’s character they try and do more with her and develop more of who she is, her backstory and her hopes and dreams, whereas with Qualley’s character sex is all she is. I am a sex positive person and have no issue with any character being sexual but Qualley’s character is nothing more than that. Watch the film and tell me any character detail about her other than she likes sex, go on I’ll wait. She opens the film doing it, travels cross country doing it at every stop and then engages in sex with her friend turned girlfriend at the end of the film. I just think it would have been nice to get to know the character with her clothes on and as more than just a sexual object for the lesbian gaze. I think that the characterisation of the leads will make for an interesting research paper one day.

That said I think this film can get quite political at times, as you would probably expect. I think as with a lot of cases in modern Hollywood it is surface level, its commentary lacks any kind of wit or deeper engagement, its just yes right wing politicians are bad and its up to liberals to punish them and take them down. It is so nuanced that you would have to read copiously on the topic to be able to understand just a tenth of what they are saying, not.

The main pro I will give this film is that it has a good sense of humour. Beanie Feldstein has a decent number of humorous moments which make the film more bearable.

Overall, a paper thin film that struggles to entertain or be relevant.

Pros.

A few funny moment

It is short

Cons.

It over sexualises Qualley’s character

The political commentary is thin

It is boring and fairly predictable

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Fire Kathleen Kennedy

Written by Luke Barnes

This piece will talk about Star Wars and the clear differences between Star Wars from a John Favreau and Dave Filoni view and Star Wars under Kathleen Kennedy’s purview. Yes I am aware that she signs off on everything as studio head but I am referring to the Filloniverse as it is known vs everything else.

To get to the brass tax of it this article was inspired after catching up with the first few episodes of the new season of The Bad Batch and then reading an article online about the Acolyte. In both of these things two very different things are being done, on the one hand you have characters that fans have come to know over a long period of time and lots of appearance from well liked characters and on the other hand you have something very new without known characters. Now a few prefaces, I am not saying in John and Dave’s stuff there isn’t new characters there are, there are simply a lot of returning ones as well, and I am not saying outside of the John and Dave stuff there is no recurring characters in the rest of the shows there are, just these feel more forced, I am also not saying there shouldn’t be entirely original stories.

I personally think of these two approaches the one favoured by John and Dave is the right way forward as it expands Star Wars and gives us new characters but does so in a way that feels like they care about the characters they already have and care that fans like them. Whereas outside of John and Dave Kathleen and co seem to want to wipe away everything the fans care about killing off fan favourite characters and wanting to move to entirely new periods in cannon, not to tell interesting new tales but so they aren’t shackled by cannon and so they can stuff the cast with as much diversity as possible. There is a sense that John and Dave understand that Star Wars is for everyone and have strong male and female characters, look at Dinn and Bo-Katan, whereas Kathleen wants only women to watch and so pushes Rey over all the other characters in the sequel trilogy, makes Reva the main focus of the Obi-Wan show and cast the Acolyte tobasically be all women. It couldn’t be clearer to see that Kathleen and her ilk and Lucasfilm hate the male fans who make up the majority of the Star Wars fan base and most likely thinks of them as some unwashed bigots who they can try and take money from whilst calling them names. However, it is clear to see that this isn’t working. The Acolyte is already hated, Obi-Wan didn’t make the numbers in the way they wanted it to and the sequels…. Well there is a reason we haven’t had a numbered film in a goodly while.

Whereas again in the John and Dave sphere The Mandalorian has been Disney plus’s flagship show, The Bad Batch has a dedicated fan base and Ahsoka often trended on X, people want their shows whilst looking at things like the Acolyte and just seeing more of the same messaging and fan hate that ruined the sequel trilogy. Who knows maybe the Acolyte will become another Andor a breakout hit despite who is producing it but somehow I doubt it and I think it will be another round of blaming the racist fans, even though the majority aren’t, for not mindlessly consuming a bad product they didn’t ask for. It is funny how it is never that the product was bad anymore it is always oh the toxic fans.

Ultimately I think Star Wars needs to see the back of Kathleen Kennedy her politics is ruining many a good idea and I think someone who is actually a fan, I don’t believe she has ever watched any of these films of TV shows, should be in charge.

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Ruby Gillman Teenage Kracken: The Tik Tok Generation Through The Lens Of Complete Misunderstanding

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Some creatives from DreamWorks who are all probably approaching middle age decide that they know what kids like based of watching one Tik Tok video once and so make this a film that speaks to only one group of people.

This film is made for terminally online teens the kind you would find with dyed hair and who have a series of different flags and causes in their bio, that is what this film thinks teens are. It cannot and will not understand that teens are more than just this crowd. If you need to see proof of my claims then see Ruby’s group of friends and how they talk and interact it is the most cringe thing you will ever see and feels in no way real or even human, maybe that was the point.

The message of be yourself has been told so many times that I question if it has any meaning anymore, surely kids don’t need to be told this lesson by every animated film that comes out every year in order to learn individualism surely they aren’t that dumb.

I struggled to care about any of the characters as I found them clawing stereotypes of what people view Gen Z and Millennials like, and in that sense I just found them more and more irritating as the film went on to such a point where I debated turning it off a few times and if I hadn’t been watching it for review I probably would have.

Overall, this is what happens when 40-50 year olds try to write something for kids they don’t understand.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is a neat concept

It had about two funny jokes

Cons.

It is cringe

It is mostly painfully unfunny

The characters are awful

It feels like a bargain basement version of Turning Red

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