Monte Carlo: An Idealized Version Of France

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

3 all American girls go on holiday to France and naturally one of their group gets mistaken for a celebrity doppelganger and they go on an adventure.

Honestly this is bland nonsense. It is perfectly watchable but is so light and breezy that you can check out for big chunks of the ‘plot’ and still mostly understand what is going on. I am not saying that every film has to have an intricate narrative with lots of moving parts but there is so little going on here that it is barely even a film.

Moreover, this kind of double narrative has been done so many times before that this film feels instantly stale. To make matters worse this film doesn’t even have the charm of a Parent Trap or a Princess Switch instead it feels just barely serviceable.

None of the performances are particularly great either, Gomez is probably the best of a bad bunch but no one is winning an Oscar here.

Overall, boring fluff that is hard to feel one way or the other about.

Pros.

It is mindless

It is watchable if you have nothing else

It is short

Cons.

The performances are fairly weak all round

There is nothing to it

It is bland and insipid

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27 Dresses: Learning The Art Of Catching The Bouquet

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A habitual bridesmaid, played by Katherine Heigl finally gets her own love story.

In many ways this is an incredibly generic rom-com, all of the toxic and cliched elements are all present and everything happens the way you would expect it to. The surprises are kept to a minimum.

However, despite all of that there is a charm to this film, it is all of the bad things that I labelled it above, but there is also a warmth to it, the idea of junk food springs to mind in that sometimes we consume what we know is bad for us just because we want to satiate a craving, this is very much that we know it is toxic and problematic yet it is also a good rom-com.

Moreover, despite her reputation for being difficult this film made me miss the slightly awkward charm of Heigl especially as she has been absent from our screens for quite a long time now. I thought she had great chemistry with her leading man James Marsden and I believed the two of them as a couple. Really it is hard for Marsden to be bad in anything and that helped this film a lot.

Overall, though it is predictable, clichéd and toxic there is also something warm and familiar to enjoy.

Pros.

It feels like quality junk food

There is a warmth to it that is infectious

Heigl and Marsden both put in good turns

Cons.

It is cliched, toxic and predictable

It is badly paced.

Fifty Shades Of Grey: Porn For Old Ladies

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film that made middle aged ladies everywhere quiver.

Let’s get this out of the way straight off the bat, the way this film portrays relationships is deeply unhealthy and the message it prompts that this is a good relationship that the characters actively enjoy speaks to the wider toxicity of the film. No young woman should become essentially a slave to her boyfriend, it is wrong.

When this film came out a lot of people spoke about it as though it was the most titillating thing to ever exist, however, in reality having watched it for the first time recently years after it came out I find the film incredibly tame. Moreover, it goes without saying that if you are going to the cinema to get your giddy thrills whilst watching this film, there is a much easier and more effective way that you can do just from the comfort of your own home for free. This film feels far too clinical and scripted to every approach anything that could even be confused with sexy.

I think the biggest issue here is that the performances from both James Doran and Dakota Johnson are just so wooden and stiff that the film is essentially doomed from the outset. As this is a ‘romance film’, the strength of the feature lives or dies on the chemistry of the leads and in this case it dies, painfully.

Overall, I don’t see why this film was popular nor do I understand why it had sequels

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

Cons.

The message is toxic

It is not hot in any way

It is deeply cringe

The leads have no chemistry

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Persuasion: Watching A Book Burning Would Be More Entertaining Than This

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Netflix uses a beloved classic novel as toilet paper.

I could have told you the exact second this was announced that it would be awful. Netflix has proven they lack any kind of sensibility that would allow them to properly pull off an Austen adaption, think of Emma from a few years ago now Netflix would never make a film like that. No, rather instead Netflix has to modernise, Netflix has to Americanise and crucially Netflix has to turn any period piece they try and adapt in to Bridgerton. All three of these things combined lead this film to be truly abysmal.

Moreover, wherein Austen’s words are timeless the script presented here not only doesn’t know what it wants to be but does decide on being cringe at every available opportunity. In addition whilst diversity is always a welcome thing, here it is quite clearly cynically forced into proceedings just for the sake of no one trying to cancel them. This again feels like a very American move.

In addition whoever is Dakota Johnson’s agent needs to be fired right sharp, as her being in this just as the memory of those awful Fifty Shades Of Grey movies is starting to fade from people’s minds is entirely not what she needs at all. Worse yet she isn’t even very good in this mess of a film.

The one silver lining of this film is that it features Henry Golding and he is always charming and watchable, sadly he is having his time wasted here.

Overall, Netflix really, really need to revaluate their content output.

Pros.

Golding

Cons.

It doesn’t understand Austen or her sensibilities at all

It bastardises the characters and story as a whole

It is generic

It feels incredibly American

Johnson

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Falling Inn Love: A Good Way To Kill Off Your Remaining Brain Cells

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A symbolic representation of Netflix failing in the most basic concept of quality over quantity.

Honestly, if I were not reviewing this film I would have turned it off at the twenty minute mark. It was more than a slog to get through and at times became actively annoying for me.

This film perfectly encapsulates the idea of the irritating entitled American abroad who thinks that it is okay to talk down to the locals and who is a baffled that they don’t have the latest technology that she is used to. Christina Millan plays the lead character as such a brat that you will find it hard to feel anything towards her other than contempt.

Moreover, the story structure is beyond basic and feels copied and pasted over from countless other Netflix romance films that do the exact same thing: with some slight variation. You know right from the offset where the film is going and it doesn’t surprise you in anyway.

In addition the usual toxic messages and creeping sexist undertones of the romantic comedy genre are here in spades, and again it makes the film even more unwatchable.

Overall, Netflix just makes trash now.

Pros.

You can dare your friends to try and sit through it, that might be some fun as long as you don’t have to watch it back.

Cons.

It is sexist

The lead is awful

It is generic

You can guess all the plot points at the start of the film.

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Bride Wars: This Wouldn’t Get Made Today, Be Thankful For That

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Rather than have a civil conversation about their thoughts, feelings and concerns, two women, played by Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, are forced into a showdown for a frankly out of date and overly thought of practice, marriage. The sexism in Hollywood is fairly rampant in this one.

The whole premise of this film from having both girls spend their whole lives dreaming of getting married to having to tear each other down just to get the better big day is simply toxic. Some may say that I am overly sensitive, but I thought the idea that all women really want to do is get married died years ago and that we have all moved on to a more progressive dawn, was I wrong?

Hudson and Hathaway are fine, but neither of them are giving the performances of their career and both are fairly easily forgotten about. I feel like because the writer of this film knew it was a romantic comedy they thought that they could peddle out any old tripe and people would just gobble it up, as that is the only explanation I can think of for why the two leads are written as deeply out of date cliches.

Moreover, the ending sentiment feels predictable and like a bygone conclusion from the outset. There is nothing that shocks you or presents even the most simplistic of challenges, it is all incredibly generic.

Furthermore, this film features Chris Pratt which for me just adds to its list of issues, but some people like him so I won’t be too critical of that.

Overall, a widely sexist out of time romantic comedy.

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It is sexist

It is generic

Neither of the leads are particularly good

Chris Pratt is his ever unlikeable self and that become distracting after a while

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Mothering Sunday: Prepare To Be Depressed

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Set in a post WWI Britain this film tells the tale of Jane, played by Odessa Young, a maid who falls in love with a wealthy man, played by Josh O’ Connor.

This film was fairly bleak across the board. With the amount of death and heartbreak in it one questions whether this is even a romance film, or whether it is simply a drama about the impacts of post war trauma and gilded cages. I was so depressed by the end of this film that I had to watch something happy and upbeat almost straight away, be warned.

Moreover, the film has a needless amount of nudity throughout. This goes in both directions and feels as though it has just been stuffed in to give a shock to the older market that would usually come out for this sort of fare. Rather than feeling daring, or perhaps subversive, this instead feels incredibly try hardy.

For positives I would say that this film is certainly watchable, Colin Firth and Olivia Colman both give strong performances even if they are only featured infrequently. However, The leads seem far too detached for most of the film, which makes it hard to care about either of them, or even the film itself at times.

Overall, I am curious who this was made for?

Pros.

It is watchable and Firth and Colman give good performances

Cons.

The excessive amount of nudity

It is depressing

It is hard to care about any of the characters

It is terribly paced

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Good Luck To You, Leo Grande: A Sexual Prime Is Never Over

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After the death of her husband a woman, played by Emma Thompson, grapples with rediscovering her sexuality.

I think this film is a marvel. Not least for what it does in terms of pushing age boundaries in Hollywood and reconstructing the idea of a nude scene, but also because it is so earnest and tender.

For the most part the film is a series of conversations in a room between Thompson and a male prostitute, played by Daryl McCormack, who she hires. This could easily have become very boring and drawn out however, the film does a great job of exploring these characters and allowing us to see further and further past their carefully crafted masks as the film progress.

Furthermore, I thought the conversations between the two often became very heartfelt and insightful, not only reflecting the struggles of life but also the very notion of British repression. I thought the two actors had great chemistry together and the screen really came alive when they were interacting.

Overall, I thought it was a wonderfully thoughtful film.

Pros.

Thompson

McCormack

The writing and the insight

The feel good nature of the film

It made me smile frequently

Cons.

It certainly won’t be for everyone

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Scottish Mussel: A Vanity Project That Backfires

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ritchie, played by Martin Compston, is a Glaswegian criminal who decides to become a pearl thief, the film follows him in that pursuit.

This film is a vanity project plain and simple. Tallulah Riley writes, produces, directs and stars in this film in which she tries to convey an anti-poaching message that she believes to be important, sounds admirable right? Well… there are also copious scenes wherein Riley strips down into a small bikini to go and dive into Scottish streams, a task which would in real life be damn near suicidal, these scenes feel very drawn out and would under a male director feel almost pervy, whereas with Riley the question has to be why did she frame herself in this way? Was she trying to show off? Advance her modelling career? Provide a cheap thrill? Whichever, the scenes feel uncomfortable to watch.

Worse still this film is the opposite of an advert for Riley as an actor with her remaining stiff as a board throughout, only seemingly being capable of maybe one facial expression during the whole runtime of the film. Money well spent.

The only reason this film doesn’t get lower is that it is very aggressively average and by the numbers but isn’t necessarily bad. The uncomfortable scenes to one side I found the film to at least be watchable and mindless.

Overall, Riley burns money in a vanity project that doesn’t actually make her look good.

Pros.

It is mindless

It is watchable

Cons.

It highlights Riley’s ego

Riley doesn’t give a convincing lead performance

The film as a whole is trite and entirely predictable

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The Valet: The Incredibly Tame Wilds Of Star On Disney +

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A starlet, played by Samara Weaving, pretends to go out with a valet, played by Eugenio Derbez, in order to cover up the fact she is having an affair with a married man.

Right from the get-go I felt like I had seen this film before, everything about it felt familiar. Some have praised this film for subverting rom-com cliches by not having the two actually fall in love in the end, but again I fell like that has been done before. Moreover, it is not a shock that the two don’t end up together as the film never really even hints at that, furthermore, in the current climate an age gap romance like that would prove problematic and there is no way Disney would do anything to be deliberately provocative.

Weaving has charm that is undeniable, and it really does feel like she is the only one who has turned up here. Derbez who was great in How To Be A Latin Lover feels flat and unenthused, he isn’t the only one either as the rest of the cast including New Girls’ Max Greenfield feel like they are just there for the pay check.

I thought the film was vaguely watchable as it allowed me to turn my brain off, but I would never really say I was entertained during my time with it.

Overall, below average but watchable.

Pros.

Weaving

It is watchable

Cons.

Most of the cast are sleeping walking their way through this film

It is not funny

It feels obvious and overly familiar

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