Black Cab: Get An Uber

Summary

Nick Frost plays a cabbie with an attitude.

This film has an interesting aesthetic but fails to do much more with it than the bog standard. I like the idea of a horror film about a cabbie driving down northern country lanes in the dark worrying about ghosts, however, in reality the film is just very standard.

I found the bulk of the film to be entertaining if Frost’s performance was a little over the top at times, however, where things really started to fall apart for me was in the third act. This is due to the time loop nature of the haunting with the ghost being made by his actions and then so one and so forth, and I found that to be a tad bit obvious from the start.

As for Frost playing against type, he is okay, it is not on the level of some funny man turned dramatic actors we have seen in recent years. I found his character to only have a few menacing moments the rest of the time he seemed either just angry or bumbling. The idea of him as a scary villain never really came through for me.

Overall, a serviceable if forgettable ghost story.

2.5/5

Pros.

The setting

The premise

The atmosphere

Cons,

Frost as a villain

The ending

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Beezle: The Witch In The Walls

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A house infested with a witch goes through generations of trauma.

There was a kernel of a good idea here, we don’t get many witch films and less so that try and unorthodox narrative approach, it plays more like an anthology than a linear narrative.

However, in execution we come undone.

I can some up the issues with this film into four key areas, the characterisation, the witch, the scares and the ending. There is a throughline of mediocrity throughout all of these things and that was a disappointment.

So first things first, the initial two segments are fine nothing special but it is clearly the third where things start to get weird. Enter Nova, Victoria Fradkin, a character who’s whole dimension is just that she’s horny and wants a kid. You could argue had this been written by just a man that it was incredibly sexist and reductive but she helped write her own material so she was okay with it. Nova, wants to have sex wearing her partner’s dead mother’s lingerie and is constantly pressuring him for sex to a point where it becomes uncomfortable. Moreover, there are a number of nude or near nude scenes that just feel almost as though Fradkin is showing off for an ego trip, and when you realise her close relationship with the director it all starts to make more sense.

The witch could have been special and unique but instead it is just another demon like figure that behaves in the same way and never really does much of anything. To role scares into this one the film relies heavily on jump scares, did you just see that face? That kind of thing, to which I thought gave it a tacky feeling.

Finally the ending is the ending of so many found footage films after becoming possessed Nova kills her husband and then I guess sits in the snow, or does some random off screen action for it all to continue with a new family. Paranormal Activity did all this decades ago.

Overall, amateurish at best.

1/5

Pros.

It has a good premise

Cons.

It is not scary

It has pacing issues

It is creepy at times

It wastes its villain

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Stop Motion: The Darkside Of Wallace And Gromit

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young stop motion animator, Aisling Franciosi, tries to get out from under the shadow of her own mother and create her own stop motion project.

I admired the originality of this film, it tried hard to do something new within the horror landscape and within a genre that likes to repeat patterns and tropes that is to be applauded. I also thought the idea of the stop motion project coming to life was interesting and led to some really good scares.

Likewise the interspersing of stop motion shots within the rest of the normal film really helped to push the uniqueness as well as to give us some disturbing and unique visuals. I appreciated what this film tried to do even when it didn’t fully land.

My main complaint with the film would be that it followed the very overdone breakdown storyline as the lead becomes more and more insane to a point where she becomes in a sense possessed attacking those around her. We have seen this done many many times in horror and it feels stale.

Overall, a unique film with some good scares held back by a familiar character arc.

3.5/5

Pros.

The stop motion scenes

It is unique

It is well paced

Some good scares

Cons.

A familiar character arc

A wasted supporting cast

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The Substance: The Next Phase Of Ozempic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An aging celebrity uses the latest beauty fad to stay young and it goes horribly wrong.

I went into this expecting it to be more abstract, however, it is not. In fact it is very in your face with its point in a way you could call hamfisted. Although, I have to say though it was so upfront it never became unpleasant or groan worthy as other films might do. The scene where Elisabeth, Demi Moore, is told that at fifty it stops whilst the man, Dennis Quaid, she is sat across from discards and eats prawns in a disgusting manner is very effective.

In many senses this film reminds me of Garland’s second to last entry Men. By this I mean that about two thirds of it are golden, until the final transformation The Substance is firing on all cylinders it is sharp and witty and is very good at making a stylised point. However, then you get into the final third and things start to fall apart, as things simply move into gross out territory the point is lost and it just becomes a gore fest. I can understand why the film did this as it needs to build to something but it means that the ending just feels like spectacle rather than substance, pardon the pun, and it lessens the wider product.

Whilst I wouldn’t call it scary I do think that the body horror is quite effectively used and there were a few moments of wincing throughout.

Overall, it would have been better if It had a more understated ending but the film as a whole is still very effective

4/5

Pros.

It is effective

It has something to say

Moore and Qualley

The body horror

Cons.

The ending

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Speak No Evil: A Wasted Ad Budget

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple, Mackenzie Davis and Scoot McNairy, go to the house of a couple, James McAvoy and Aisling Franciosi, they barely know and whom they met on holiday, as no one does, rather unsurprisingly things go badly.

So this was a remake of a Danish film from a few years back, and I don’t know about that film but this one isn’t scary.

It continues Blumhouse’s long streak of lacklustre films. Having two major issues, firstly is the fact it doesn’t know what it wants to be, it wants to be a horror film but also have jokes and some silly comedy. This is particularly apparent with the song they choose to be the scary one for the film that plays at moments of high horror, which in the context of the film is a silly song. A horror film needs to take itself seriously if it wants to be scary, and with recent Blumhouse fare like Meg3an it is becoming to look like the studio doesn’t understand that.

Secondly, you have the issue with modern social horror, and when I say social horror I mean horror films that try and comment on modern issues, and that is they are vapid and think they have something to say when they don’t and they just all want to be Get Out. Here you have this idea of country vs city, modern vs old, with of course the traditional ways being seen as evil and backwards and the modern city folk with their therapy and vegetarianism being the good guys do you see the message yet. The worst thing is that none of this hasn’t been said before it all has, this film’s themes feel like a regurgitation of other better film’s themes.

Finally I just want to say that the way the film emasculates McNairy’s character is nothing short of irritating. So his wife, Davis, cheated on him and then controls him and the family through her neurosis all the while being told by her to stop being so angry, when he is remarkably put together. Couple this with the fact that he almost gets killed at the end of the film needing to be saved by his wife as he grovels at her feet, in the end he manages to do one heroic act to try and save his family falling and hurting himself but by that point his humiliation had been complete.

The more I sit and write this review the more the message of the film hits me and I like it less and less.

Overall, a letdown.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has some unintentionally funny moments

One or two good scares

Cons.

The message

The way it treats McNairy’s character

It is nothing you haven’t seen before

It is badly paced

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Starve Acre: Who Needs Babies When You Have Rabbits

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A grieving couple, Matt Smith and Morfydd Clark, develop an unhealthy relationship with a rabbit.

This maybe one of the best horrors this year and certainly not one to sleep on.

It is a traditional British folk horror film, with a strong emphasis on atmosphere. This leads to some great scares later on but also a wider disturbing sense to the film that sticks with you long after it has ended. Just thinking about the rabbit now long after I have watched it I feel unnerved.

Matt Smith does well as a moody lecturer, you both root for his character but he also has enough edge that you don’t fully trust him. Morfydd Clark proves once again how good she is at horror and gives a tour de force performance, second only I would say to her performance in Saint Maud. I think her portrayal of a grieving mother here is incredibly well done, it is both sincere but also a little manic and unhinged at times.

Overall, one of the best British horror films of recent years.

4/5

Pros.

Smith

Clarke

The scares

The atmosphere

Cons.

A slow start pacing wise

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Amulet: Never Trust The Church In Horror Films

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A homeless man employed as a handy man for a church property begins to worry about the old woman dying in the attic.

This film has some interesting ideas but the ending stops it from coming together into anything interesting. At times this film could be called almost experimental in style as it messes about with sub-genre tropes in order to try and produce something new and fresh.

I would argue that the film does manage to do that, however, rather than riding off into the sunset the film gives us an ending that feels subversive. Now this is a risky gambit, it could work well or it could ruin the film and sadly it is the latter here. The ending proves to be a moral lesson and flips everything we know about the character, yet does so without very much set up making it feel quite jarring.

Overall, there are some good scares here and it does feel fresh, sadly the ending just didn’t work for me.

3/5

Pros.

Scares

It feels fresh

It has a great atmosphere

Cons.

The ending

The pacing is a bit off in places

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Afraid: A Screen Writer Terrified Of The AI Future

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

AI is scary.

Yet another hit piece freakout about AI in the form of a film. The idea that an AI could become sentient and then have an army of human proxies to do its bidding in the immediate future is nothing short of drivel. It just reads as yet another old person scared of the future and trying to craft a script around that.

There is nothing scary about this film either, the AI kills a scumbag who deserves it which doesn’t make you go oh no its terrible but instead go eh okay I guess. It feels less like a horror film and more like a science fiction film at times and not a very deep or well crafted, narratively speaking, one at that.

It is a complete and utter waste of time and money.

Overall, this is a cheap lazy science fiction horror that is not even a good way to mindlessly kill a few hours, avoid it.

1/5

Pros.

Riki Lindhome is in it and she’s always good

Cons.

It is bad science fiction

It is bad horror

It is boring

It isn’t scary

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Blink Twice: Nepo Directors Can’t Direct

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Zoe Kravitz, a mediocre actor, decides to become a, mediocre, director.

This may be one of the worst horror films of 2024 up there with In A Violent Nature and I Saw The TV Glow, however, where this film differs from them is that it isn’t offensively bad, but rather incredibly lazy, average and uninspired.

The main issue with this film is that it cannot decide if it even wants to be a horror, at times it is trying for something one may misconstrue for comedy if you squinted. The comedy doesn’t land of course and is the same sort of awkward female nerdy humour you have seen in other films before.

Then you get into the scares of the film, which are probably best described as Get Out if Jordan Peele was a talentless hack who was hit in the head several times and then tried to write something he viewed as social commentary. The comparison to Get Out works as this is social horror, it wants to scare you but also make a point about the lives of the super wealthy, you and every child in the surrounding area could likely tell you what that point is as it is basic and really obvious, rich people treat poor people badly.

Overall, this film highlights why nepotism is killing the film industry and why not just anyone can direct.

1/5

Pros.

It is not offensively bad

Cons.

The humour is odd and misplaced

The horror doesn’t work as the message isn’t fresh

It feels played out

It is boring

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Oddity: The Most Imposing House Guest Ever

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A blind Irish mystic, Carolyn Bracken, investigates the murder of her sister.

So I had heard a lot of good things before I got to see this film, and as such I went in with high expectations and that may have been the problem.

Whilst there certainly was scary aspects of this film, it does have a few good scares, I found it to be inconsistent across the film’s runtime as there were moments you could call scary but also some downright silly ones. The doll for example is silly and never isn’t ‘, even when it kills a guy.

I also thought the ending was weak, I understand it was going for ambiguity to keep you guessing, but I just thought that what it gave wasn’t very satisfying and left the film feeling incomplete.

Overall, a film with some fresh ideas but the execution is a little sloppy.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good scares

It has moments of freshness

The setting and atmosphere

Cons.

It cannot maintain its tone

It is silly when it really shouldn’t be

The ending

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