47 Meters Down Uncaged: A Shark Attack Film Where You Want The Shark To Win!

47 Meters Down Uncaged is a survival horror film directed by Johannes Roberts. It is a sequel to the passably alright film 47 Meters Down, a film that didn’t need a sequel. The plot this time around focuses on a group of girls who go diving in a newly discovered cave, only to become trapped and at the mercy of a shark.

I have to say it is hard to screw up a shark movie this badly, I applaud the makers of this film for being this inept this utterly devoid of knowing what people want. This film is laughably bad.

First off, this is an incredibly PG affair, there is very little gore even when the sharks are ripping people apart it is all very bloodless, which to me feels like an effort to try and get this film out to the younger teen audience, but in doing so it spits in the face of what modern shark movies are and that is gritty bloodfests.

Secondly, unlike the characters in the first film who were serviceable, the characters here are your usual collection of teenage girl stereotypes and clichés. They are supposed to be experienced divers for the most part, or at least people who have a basic understanding of how diving works. Yet despite this they spend all their time underwater screaming near constantly, which uses up all their oxygen, someone who has been diving once could tell you that.

What’s more the characters in this film are annoying, they spend all their on-screen time either screaming and crying or doing dumb things that will only make their situation worse, but they don’t seem to care, maybe they want to be eaten alive?

The shark itself doesn’t show up until a third into the film which wouldn’t be that bad if the film without the shark was at all in any way interesting, but sadly this first third is a slog and one that is very hard to get through, when the shark does finally appear it leaves you saying finally an end to this tedious boredom.

Overall, Sylvester Stallone’s daughter made her acting debut in this and if this in any indication for things to come, her career is going to be short and very hard to watch. A train-wreck of a movie from start to finish.

Pros.

There are one or two interesting scenes.

Cons.

The characters are dumb and annoying.

The film manages to ruin sharks.

The acting is incredibly weak.

It has no regard for logic or survival skills, even though it is a survival film.

1/5.

Reviewed by Luke

The Marshes: There Is Something Rotten In The Australian Bush

The Marshes is an Australian horror film directed by Roger Scott. The plot follows 3 young biologists as they venture into the Australian marshland to conduct research. Once they get there, they encounter evil and they must fight for their survival, against ever increasing odds.

This was one of the worst horror films I have seen recently, it fails in so many ways that I could barely bring myself to finish it.

Firstly, the characters are awful, they are devoid of anything even resembling a personality, they are irritating and worst of all they care completely unlikable. The most agreeable character of the main 3 is Will (Sam Delich), he is just bland. Then you have Ben (Matthew Cooper), who is just a dick from start to finish he is deeply unlikable, and the film almost goes out of its way to show you just how irritating his character is. Finally, you have Pria (Dafna Kronental), you is by far the worst, she is annoying and deeply unlikable just like Ben, but what makes her worse is that she just does things randomly with no rhyme or reason, I don’t know if it is just poorly written, but her character can go from having a laugh taking about something one minute to screaming the next second and it is as jarring as that sounds.

Secondly, the film makes no sense at all in any way and if you try and figure it out it hurts your head with its stupidity and poor logic. We have scenes that go from nothing to something important in a second and when you are like okay so is this something guess what it is just a dream, this happens over and over again until it gets to a point where it is hard to tell what is and what isn’t a dream. It’s a baffling story decision and one that makes the film incredibly hard to watch.

Finally, and perhaps worst of all, this film suffers from some of the worst lighting I have ever seen in a film. There are sequences of this film where it is too dark to understand what is happening, these are important bits of the film too, at first I just thought there was something wrong with my TV so I adjusted the setting, but no, no matter what setting I put it on it was still incredibly difficult to tell what was going on.

Overall, this is just a bad film and one that isn’t worth your time.

Pros.

None.

Cons.

It is too long, even though it is only on for 1 hour and a half.

The characters are detestable.

The lighting is egregious.

It makes no sense.

Is it a dream or just a waste of my time?

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Monster Party: Addicting

Monster Party is a horror thriller film directed by Chris Von Hoffmann. The plot revolves around a group of thieves that are looking for their next big payday, they decide to rob a house that one of their number works at thinking that the home owners will be easy marks; little do they know that the family that live there are recovering murders.

This is one of the best dark comedies I’ve seen in a long time, the premise itself is hilarious recovering murders trying to deny the urge to kill and failing miserably. The film boils down to a showdown between Casper (Sam Strike), Alexis (Erin Moriarty) and Iris (Virginia Gardner) and Elliot (Kian Lawley), with bloody results.

This is a film that is not afraid to get gory, it does so often and to great effect, the patriarch of the family gets disembowelled and you see his guts hangout of him, like wise Elliot spends some of the film with a recently cut off hand; it is not for the faint of heart.

This film seems to revel in violence and spectacle, as that the main selling point of this film, the characters are thin and underdeveloped, but they do a lot of cool things. I would be very interested to see more of the cult/ program that is working in the shadows to rehabilitate killers and of course more of Lance Reddick.

Reddick is great in anything he turns up in, but he plays the cult master to a tee here and is as per usual fantastic, it is a shame he doesn’t stick around for more of the film, but at well at least he had a few great scenes.

I thought the ending was a little odd, I get that Casper had now become a killer and isn’t the shy wall flower he used to be, but to see him just go into a strip club and start slicing and dicing makes me question whether we are still suppose to root for him at this point. I also would have liked Alexis and Casper to have ended up together as this was teased a good few time throughout the film, but maybe if they do a sequel they will, who knows.

Overall, a good time, nice and easy to watch with a few good laughs and scares peppered in there.

Pros.

It’s funny.

It’s scary.

It has an intriguing premise.

I liked the cast for the most part.

Cons.

The characters were thin and underdeveloped.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Collector: Schlocky Horror Through and Through.

The Collector is a horror film directed by Marcus Dunstan. The plot follows Arkin (Josh Stewart), a thief whose luck runs out when he decided to rob a rich person’s house. As Arkin moves around the house, he realises something is amiss, he can hear screams and there are traps everywhere, his evening with evil serial killer The Collector (Juan Fernandes), is beginning.

The script for this film was originally intended to be a prequel to Saw called The Midnight Man, but that was quickly shot down and this film was born. This film does not feel like it came out in 2009 it feels like an early 2000’s film in both the best way and also the worst way.

The film is highly stylised, everything from the way the film is shot to the opening credits sequences is dripping with personality. That personality is over the top gritty goriness, the film look grainy it looks as thought it was shot on film even though it wasn’t, I would guess that this is a deliberate choice to make the film look more visceral and real. Personally, I loved it.

I also loved the gore of this film; it wasn’t wince inducing it was just right. It was a similar level of gore to that of the Saw films. The traps were ridiculous and over the top, but also whimsically inventive. Furthermore, I enjoyed the fact that who or what The Collector is never explained, much like the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers The Collectors origin is unknown and that adds to the mystery.

The one thing that I thought was bit much was there was a long drawn out sequence of the family’s daughter Jill (Madeline Zima), getting it on with her boyfriend, it felt creepy and way too long. The Collector himself was watching them as well, it was icky. I think the whole sequence could have been done in a tasteful way, but clearly that wasn’t the filmmaker’s intent, clearly, they wanted to show the audience a soft-core porn scene.

Overall, if you like early 2000’s gritty Saw esque films then you will like this, the traps and The Collector himself are interesting and the ending is intriguing.

Pros.

Not explaining the villain.

The traps.

The horror.

The gore.

Cons.

The needlessly long sex scene.

4/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Midnight Swim: Truly A Film Unlike Any Other

The Midnight Swim is a POV drama- mystery film directed by Sarah Adina Smith. The film see three sisters reunite after their mother’s death. Upon their arrival back home, the sisters summon a local legend the Seventh Sister and from there things turn menacing, with dead birds turning up on their doorstep and each night one of the sisters goes down to the lake: though she can’t remember doing it.

Very much like my last review Don’t Leave Home this is a very uniquely bizarre film, there is very little else like this out there. Just when you think you have a handle on what it is, it surprises you. When I first put it on, I thought it would be a standard found footage horror film, but it is nothing like that at all: it is so much more.

There is a constant feeling of unease and menace throughout this film, you can tell that something is amiss right from the start of the film. It is never very clear exactly what is going on, whether it is something supernatural or whether it is something closer to home. The film never seems to want to say one way or another, there is a twist towards the end of the film that suggests that June (Lindsey Burdge), who has been filming everything the whole time is in fact mentally ill and has been doing all of the scary occurrences in the film.

However, later in the film when June has blacked out and goes to jump into the water for the final time something moves her camera and there is no one else around. So, there must be more afoot.

There is a lot of new age mysticism in this film that adds an interesting new dimension to it, there is all this talk about rebirth and reincarnation, and it gives you a lot of intriguing things to think about. All of this adds to a very special personality that this film has which makes it entirely unlike everything else.

Overall, this film is special in a lot of ways, very few films could have you feel tense and uneasy for an hour and a half and include a musical number. This is a beautiful film and a hell of a debut, check it out!

Pros.

A mystery that has no clear answer.

Great characters.

Very unlike anything else.

A new take on found footage.

Cons.

It is a little slow at times.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Don’t Leave Home: An Obtuse, Confusing Masterpiece?

Don’t Leave Home is an Irish horror film directed by Michael Tully. The plot sees American model maker Melanie Thomas (Anne Margret Hollyman), travel to a remote part of island to take a commission from a disgraced priest Alistair Burke (Lalor Roddy).

This film has been called a lot of things “Ireland’s equivalent to Get Out”, “A modern Wicker Man” and thought to some extent I can see what people are saying with the second quotation, that is not how I would describe it. I honestly don’t know how I feel about this film, I enjoyed it and it kept my attention and there truly isn’t anything else out there like it, it is also incredibly obtuse and confusing and I would never choose to watch it again.

During the rest of this review I am going to go into spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it stop here as I really think if you’re going to watch it you should go in blind.

That said let’s get into it, this film reminded me in a lot of ways of something like Midsommar, in that it even after watching it, it still doesn’t really make sense until you watch it a few more times. There is an art house approach to horror that seems to be at the core of these sort of films that can come across as pretentious at times, but personally I think this film was one the right side of the line.

The premise of this woman traveling to Ireland to make a model for this former priest isn’t in and of itself scary, the fear comes from how quickly the situation sours once she gets there, there is an intense uncomfortability that runs throughout this film; you know it is going to end badly and then it does.

I still don’t understand how the priest’s paintings makes people disappear, or go to heaven as the film says, frankly I think the twist doesn’t really make any sense it just kind of happens midway through and you are left to pick up the pieces and make some sense of it. I think the whole sequence with “the collectors”, and the auction was weird and didn’t feel like it belonged to the same film as everything else, it was jarring.

Overall, I can’t really end this by saying watch it, or don’t watch it, as I still haven’t really made my mind up about it. It is definitely not something you have ever seen before and it is staggeringly original, if a little inspired by modern art house horror hits, I would say if that description appeals to you then check it out.

Pros.

Original.

Scary and troubling.

Good characters.

Cons.

Obtuse and hard to understand.

It ends with a whimper rather than a bang.

3.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Crucifixion: The Best Possession Film?

The Crucifixion is a horror film directed by Xavier Gens. The plot follows reporter Nicole, (Sophie Cookson), a woman without faith, who travels to Romania to cover an exorcism gone wrong that resulted in the death of a young woman. Nicole wants to prove that it was superstition and mental illness that motivated the murder, but when she arrives, she finds out there might be far more afoot.

When I put this film on, I was worried it would be just like every other possession horror film out there, the genre has been done to death, however I was pleasantly surprised to find that it had enough originality to standout. For a start the premise of the film an investigation into whether possession is in fact real, is something that hasn’t been done to death yet, there is still new ground to be found and this film found it.

Moreover, it is nice to see a possession film focusing on Orthodox Christianity, rather than Catholicism. It adds a nice new flavour to the type of film, and as such is infinitely more interesting. The country of Romania is one of my favourites in the world and it is nice to see a horror film set there, it is a beautiful country and also a very mystical one which really adds to the atmosphere of the film.

The scares of the film are a mixed bag, when the film is trying to be creepy and using its setting and atmosphere to make you feel uneasy it works, it works very well. However, when the film uses cheap jump scares reminiscent of the bastard spin-off Conjuring films it doesn’t work, they are laughably bad and incredibly obvious.

Overall, this is a good possession film with enough newness to it that it stands out from the thousands of other films like it. There is something special about this film, it is a shame it went under most people’s radars when it came out, but it is defiantly worth a watch. The jump scares ruin the scenes they are in, but everything else is unique and interesting.

Pros.

The horror.

The setting.

Changes from the genre standard.

Interesting plot line.

Cons.

Jump scares.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Bay: Don’t Go In The Water

The Bay is a found footage film directed by Barry Levinson. The plot revolves around a small town that has something in the water, parasites. These parasites invade the body and then eat you away from the inside out, soon most of the town is dead and it is up to one blogger to try and get out the truth of what happened as the US government has since suppressed it.

This film genuinely surprised me, when I put it on, I had low expectations, but as the film went on, I found that I enjoyed it more and more. The premise is great and scary, what makes it scary is the fact that it could happen, we as a world have environmental disasters all the time, so something like this is not beyond the realms of possibility.

Furthermore, there were several moments in the film that actually made me jump, which is rare. As such the horror of the film really worked for me, and I found it to be one of the scariest films I have seen recently.

My one issue with the film was that the story was told through vignette style, as such there were multiple different characters and each of their stories were explored, the issue with this is that some of the stories are more interesting than others. I cared about the French scientists/ divers; I didn’t really care about the young teen couple.

I thought this film was fascinating, I couldn’t take my eyes off it as I watched it. Found footage as a genre has been done to death, but this film managed to find new ground to explore, making it almost like a faux environmental documentary, I applaud the imagination and creativity behind it.

Overall, this film is great for the premise alone, but it was made even better by the fact that the execution was also fantastic. It was scary, fascinating and I could have easily watched another hour of it, perhaps one of the best of the best-found footage films I have ever seen.

Pros.

It is fascinating.

It is scary.

It does something new with found footage.

It made me jump!

Cons.

Some of the characters are more interesting than others.

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Innkeepers: Please Someone Close This Inn Down.

The Innkeepers is a supernatural horror film directed by Ti West. The film revolves around two employees at the Yankee Pedlar Inn, who try and prove the existence of the supernatural goings on at the hotel before it is closed; things quickly escalate.

I have heard people talk about this film for a while, so imagine my surprise when I did finally watch it and was left underwhelmed to say the least.

This is very much a film of two halves and much like Housebound that I reviewed recently, the two don’t work. The first 30/40 minutes of the film seem to be quite a light quirky comedy and then all of a sudden it becomes a horror film. This transition between the two is incredibly abrupt and a little jarring as well.

I think there is an interesting idea here, the premise leaves itself open for great scary moments, however, it just can’t deliver. Whilst watching I was not scared at all, not even mildly creeped out, if anything I was bored, this once again is a film that drags on and on.

Sara Paxton is fine; she is serviceable if not memorable in anyway. She does nothing to elevate herself or the character above the standard horror leading lady. This might not be her fault and might instead be a script and characterisation issue.

Defiantly the worst thing about the film for me is the casting of Lena Dunham. Her personal life aside, she can’t act, she is painfully herself in everything she is in; she can’t play characters just slightly different versions of herself. Though she is only in this film infrequently, whenever she does appear it serves to take you out of the film, as her performance reminds you that you’re watching a film.

Overall, this is a film of two halves if they had been blended together in a better way they could have worked, but as is they clash and the two feel jarringly different. There is nothing here to elevate this film beyond mediocrity.

Pros.

The scarier half is okay.

The premise is good, but poorly executed.

Cons.

It is boring.

The two halves clash.

It is uninspired in near every way.

1.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Housebound: The Boy Before Brahms

Housebound is a New Zealand horror comedy film directed by Gerard Johnstone. The plot follows criminal Kylie (Morgana O’ Riley), who is sentenced to house arrest in her childhood home, once she arrives back home, she realises that something is wrong, there are supernatural goings on, or at least that is how it first appears.

This film is a horror comedy, that I don’t think works hugely well as either, the horror isn’t very scary; though there are a few good moments that will make you jump. The comedy is defiantly the central focus of this film and that didn’t work for me either, I didn’t find myself laughing and as I watched it, I wished they had focused on one for the other.

What’s more the film is oddly paced, there is a twist, that I will talk about in a minute, but rather than have the twist near the end of the film, it happens midway through. The reason this is an issue is it makes the film feel like two separate features and both seem to drag on.

The twist of the film is that their house use to be a halfway house that was the site of a horrific murder, however there is no ghost, rather all of the strange goings on are a result of a man from the halfway house who still lives in the walls; yes it is The Boy, about two years before it.

For me I liked the twist, I think it fitted perfectly into the manic absurd nature of the film, I didn’t see it coming.

Furthermore, I think O’ Riley makes this film, she is fantastic throughout and you get to watch her character develop throughout the course of the film. She starts off the film as a troubled youth who doesn’t really care about anyone but herself, but by the end of the film she rises to the occasion as the hero and proves she does care about those around her.

Overall, I think that this film has moments of greatness and O’ Riley is superb, however, for me the comedy and the horror don’t work together and instead clash horribly, which heighten the already bad pacing issues.

Pros.

Morgana O’ Riley is great.

The twist is good.

There are some good scares scattered throughout.

Cons.

The two styles don’t mash.

The pacing issues ruin it.

3/5.

Reviewed by Luke