The Haunting: Nothing Is Scarier Than Poor CGI

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of insomniacs gather at an old mansion for what they think is a sleep survey, whilst in fact it is a study on fear.

Nighties era CGI really was terrible wasn’t it? Whenever there is a scene featuring a ghost in this film, because of the choice of CGI, it is more funny than scary- it is unintentionally hilarious. This film should have gone with practical effects for its horror as many older films did and some still do today, because the alternative is this and this is downright Scorpion King levels of bad.

The acting is at best spotty at worst weak. There are some personal favourites of mine in this film with Liam Neeson and Owen Wilson both being present however they are given nothing to do and are mostly wasted. Wilson particularly has poor dialogue. The screenplay for this film reads as someone who has never written one before using a screen writing for dummies book to try and get through it, whilst remaining untalented.

The worst thing I found with this film was the pacing, there was big gaps of time without anything really happening only to be punctuated with a terribly written cliched bit of dialogue. It was hard to get through.

Overall, an unscary film with laughably bad CGI.

Pros.

A few interesting ideas

Owen Wilson is still as charming as ever

Cons.

The actors are wasted

The CGI

It is not scary

Pacing issues

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V/H/S 94: Maybe These Tapes Were Better Returned

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Another batch of V/H/S tapes are found.

I was a fan of the first two V/H/S films but honestly they have really lost there way. This film reminded me a lot of some of the worst aspects of Ti West’s films, though he was not involved, schlocky and over the line for the sake of being over the line. Many of the segments in this anthology are honestly unpleasant to watch, and that is saying something considering I am a big fan of the genre and not much bothers me anymore. It almost seems like they are going out of there way to one up each other on who can be the most depressing and needlessly excessive.

On top of that none of the segments are even particularly good. The best of a bad bunch would be ‘Storm Drain’ by Chloe Okuno, as this was the only one I found myself enjoying: moreover I liked the concept of ‘Rat-Man’. I would say the weakest is ‘The Empty Wake’ by Simon Barrett, a regular contributor, as it is simply dull.

In terms of pacing this film is also troublesome. Some of the segments feel double their length and are honestly hard to get through whilst others feel rushed and not done justice, it is a strange mix but wrong on both fronts.

Overall, maybe don’t give this a sequel.

Pros.

The Storm Drain was interesting

Cons.

Edgy for the sake of it

Hard to watch

Depressing

Pacing issues galore

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Paranormal Activity: Antagonizing Demons, Smart Move

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple is plagued by strange goings on so decide to record everything that is happening for reasons.

I remember when I was young and I first watched this I was terrified. A friend had convinced me that it was all real and it really messed me up for a few nights after watching. Now years later I know it is not real but I still find this film scary. I know a lot of the people don’t like the franchise for what it would later become and the litany of clones it spawned, but I think this film plays with expectations and builds tensions in such a superb way.

As the film progress and Micah, Micah Sloat, becomes more and more annoying the tension really does amp up and you start to believe it and really empathises with the couple. Obviously the film uses jump scares in its horror but I think it does it better than later films not just in the series but in the genre as they enhance the atmosphere of fear rathe than acting as a standin.

The film has so much promise and so much mystery, sadly they would ruin that as the series progressed, but this film has a fantastic mythology to it.

My main complaint with this film would be that it has a very slow start, made worse by the use of shaky cam and the whole home video aspect.

Overall, an enjoyable film with a few issues.

Pros.

A strong mythology

A nice tense atmosphere

The ending

A few good scares

Cons.

Pacing issues

Micah is an awful character and is super toxic

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The Rite: Anthony Hopkins Was Made For Horror Roles

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A faithless trainee priest, Colin O’ Donoghue, is send to Rome to become an exorcist.

I went into this film excited because I like Anthony Hopkins and he usually does horror very well, so I had high hopes and whilst the film isn’t bad it certainly is mixed. I think the main issue with this film is the fact that it has all been done before so many times over. This film is content to retread old familiar ground without actually doing anything all that new with it and therein lies the problem.

Whilst there are some scary moments here and there, mainly dream sequences for some reason, I found a lot of the horror to again be overly familiar. The issue with this is that the horror then loses some of its impact as you know what is going to happen before it does.

Hopkins is good as he always is, even in a low budget horror film he brings his A game. However that just isn’t enough to make this film good as the material he is given to work with is bad and his co-stars likewise fair poorly: with the exception of Ciaran Hinds who again tries valiantly but is limited by the material given.

Overall, a few good scares but nothing you haven’t seen before.

Pros.

Hopkins

Hinds

A few good scares

Cons.

Very predictable

Not all the scares land

The ending

It is very up the Catholic Churches rear end

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Ready Or Not: You Are Going To Lose At Hide And Seek If You Go Around Screaming Constantly

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Grace, Samara Weaving, goes home to meet her boyfriend’s family and get married, little does she know that doing that will lead to her playing a life and death game of hide and seek.

I am mixed on this film; I like aspects and ideas of the film but there is just something about the overall whole that doesn’t work for me. I like the mythology surrounding the game and the climax that sees the family reap the consequences of their actions. If I were to be picky I would say that the film could have gone a bit further with these aspects and given us more information regarding the demon they made the deal with.

I think Samara Weaving is good here though this is not her best role by a large margin. Over the course of the film Weaving grows into the role more and becomes develops into an interesting character, in the beginning when she is just screaming and crying all the time it is quite dull to watch. By the by her scream here is deeply overused to the point of it becoming off putting, sometimes more is less.

The humour of the film produced a few chuckles from me though most of the jokes past me by unfazed. I would say this film is not a horror comedy as it prioritises its horror elements, though that is not a bad thing.

Overall, a good film that feels rough in a few areas.

Pros.

Weaving for the most part

The ending

The mythology

Cons.

The humour mostly passes me by

Weaving’s scream is overused to the point of either hilarity or annoyance depending on the person

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The Addams Family 2: Still Trying To Live Up To The Live Action Version

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Addams Family are back once again, and this time they are going on a road trip.

Whilst this is not a great film, it still pales deeply when compared to the live action version, it is better than the first animated film which did not seem to understand the IP. This film at least seems to understand the characters better and uses them in a way that feels truer than what we got the last time around.

There are a number of wonderfully weird moments sprinkled in throughout this film that I feel enhance it, they help to tap into the odd sensibilities of the franchise and play on its macabre sense of humour to a great degree. Some of these moments are better than others of course, but most are at least somewhat entertaining.

My issue with this film is that the central story of Wednesday, voiced by Chloe Grace Mortez, not fitting in with her family and then believing herself to be adopted, being kidnapped, only to then be rescued and reassured by her actual family, the Addams, is contrived. How many times will we have to repeat the same stories over and over again in Hollywood before writers come up with something new? Honesty it is getting to a point where I can accurately predict the endings of films within the first few minutes, please freshen up your story telling.

Overall, a slightly better version of the previous film though the story focus does hold it back.

Pros.

It understands the characters more

There are some deeply strange moments

The sensibilities are there

Cons.

The whole Wednesday story

Fester’s side arc

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Howl: Somehow British Public Transport Is Made Even Worse

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A train breaks down in the middle of nowhere and to make matters worse werewolves begin to terrorise those on board.

This is a fairly strong British werewolf film, is it Dog Soldiers good? No but few films can be. There is something so intimately familiar to the British experience within this film, the grubby train packed with angry people that breaks down; I have been there many times. Well maybe not recently in these Covid times.

Speaking of Dog Soldiers I enjoyed seeing Sean Pertwee appear in this film, he is always a very welcome presence as far as I am concerned. However, they kill him off almost immediately which is of course a huge missed opportunity. The cast we do get more time with are all serviceable though no one is particularly stand out.

The werewolf makeup effects and design were interesting, and we do get several good looks at them over the course of the film. I liked that this film felt like it was creating a fresh take on the creatures rather than trotting out standard genre cliches, the glowing eyes I thought were particularly effective.

Overall, a passable film that is fun to watch but one that won’t blow you away or stay in your mind long after watching.

Pros.

The werewolf design and makeup

The very British scenario

The ending

Cons.

Killing of Pertwee early

Pacing issues

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Anna And The Apocalypse: The Version Of High School Musical That The Disney Channel Rejected

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A Scottish highschool finds itself in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

I had heard lots of positive things about this prior to watching, however I did not end up liking it. The people I spoke to about this film prior to watching it had left out one key aspect, namely that it is a musical. I really didn’t like that part of the film.

The songs in this film aren’t good. Yes, that is a personal taste thing on my part but every time someone started singing in this film I started to cringe. It felt like a knock off High School Musical clone without the talent, zombies aside. I understand what they were trying to do merging horror and musical elements is a novel idea, accept Sweeny Todd did it about ten years earlier and then there is Rocky Horror so maybe not so fresh an idea after all.

The horror elements are okay but again nothing game changing. For me the best part about this film was seeing Paul Kaye get to have some fun as the evil schoolmaster. Kaye is a tremendous actor, and he was the only reason I kept with the film.

Overall, Paul Kaye is always fun but everything else just doesn’t work.

Pros.

Kaye

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The songs are Disney Chanel reject quality

The elements don’t come together well

It is cringey

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American Horror Story: Take Me To Your Leader

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of teens have a run in with aliens and find themselves pregnant as a result.

I very much believe that this season of AHS has been designed to kill the show, as those responsible for it want to move on to better things. Do you remember the time when AHS was actually scary? I do but seemingly those writing the show now don’t. The ending of the episode where all the teens find themselves pregnant is not scary in anyway, it is hilarious at how dumb and contrived it is; worse yet the show seems to want you to laugh.

So far this half of the season feels like the discounted one as a lot of the top name talent of the show doesn’t return and we are left with less than stellar actors filling out the cast. Now that is not to say there is no talent here as Neil McDonough is always a treat, but sadly even he can’t save this episode.

AHS fans have been clamouring for aliens to return since the era of Asylum, and the show has teased them out for so long, yet this is what we get? It goes beyond anti-climactic.

Overall, please let this season end.

Pros.

McDonough

The opening scene is strong

It is hilarious entirely unintentionally

Con.

It is not even trying to be scary anymore

It feels like a joke

They manage to ruin aliens

Ryan Murphy’s influence is slowly killing the show

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Nightbooks: We Need More Of Krysten Ritter In This Role

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young boy, Winslow Fegley, obsessed with all things horror is kidnapped by an evil witch, Krysten Ritter, and forced to write her scary stories.

I enjoyed this film quite a lot, it turned out to be much more narly and hardcore than I was expecting it to be, and it managed to create some great horror visuals over the course of its runtime. In some ways this was more scary than a lot of the adult horrors out there.

The best thing about this film is easily the performance given by Ritter. By now you should all know that Ritter is an incredible talent, but if you didn’t know it for some reason this film proves it to you. She manages to pull off so many different emotions with just her face alone without even the need for words. She captures comedy, sadness and intense anger and rage completely, and manages to make her character both sympathetic and loathsome.

Even the child actors were fairly good, that in and off itself is a big deal as child actors are never good.

Overall, a lot of fun.

Pros.

Ritter

The scares

The ending

The characters

Cons.

The Hansel and Gretel twist was a bit too obvious