The Manor: Forget Teens Old People Are The New Stars Of Horror

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

After suffering a fall Judith, Barbra Hershey, checks into an assisted living facility. However, once there she notices that the residents are dying at an unusually high rate.

I have stayed well clear of the Welcome To Blumhouse films, as they are mostly pretty poor, however I decided to dip my toe into them with this film and it was okay.

There are some interesting ideas here and it is nice to see a horror film fronted by older people rather than the usual collection of teenage cliches. However, nothing in this film feels fresh. A lot of the reveals and twists feel like they have been done to death and are incredibly obvious, there is no mystery to the film as you can guess what is going to happen fairly easily from the beginning.

The only thing that did surprise me was the ending. I thought for sure Judith would have destroyed the evil tree monster in the film’s final scenes, but no she instead decided to become evil. This feels like a cheap subversion in that it makes little sense for the character to do this as we have been led to believe that she is a good person who would not succumb to such behaviour. Though I do applaud the film for doing it as it actually shocked me.

Overall, a very by the numbers horror film but the final shock was enough to push it above average.

Pros.

Having the guts to go for that ending

It is very watchable

Hershey does a good job

Cons.

It is predictable

It is not at all scary

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The Block Island Sound: Aliens Or Just A Deeply Pretentious Writer?

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Something is going wrong in the ocean that is leading to fishermen losing their minds and attacking those around them.

I thought this film had some interesting ideas but that ultimately its slow pace and pretentious ending brought it plummeting back down to Earth. I liked the polysemic reading of what the threat was, it was never entirely clear and for the most part was left up to your interpretation. Even the ending that did to a degree say what was going on we are still never clearly shown anything so the answers still remain mysterious.

The threat and tension of the film come when the characters have black outs and act in strange and often violent ways. I thought that this was a concept that the film played with well and developed to an interesting degree. Though maybe there is a degree of othering happening with regards to how this film is presenting mental health. If read as there are no aliens or whatever is going on and the characters are simply suffering from a mental illness then the way the film presents it becomes quite insulting.

Furthermore, the biggest issue this film suffers with is pacing. As we approached the hour mark I was done with it, I had had my fun and was ready to move on with my evening, I thought the film was about to end, then it kept going. Honestly the pacing in this film has you turning off after about the first hour as it builds and builds and builds to what looks like an ending but no its just a midway point, then then rest of the film is dragged on.

Finally, the ending in which it seems the whole film is some sort of eco message is beyond pretentious but that is low hanging fruit so I won’t go after that.

Overall, a mixed bag but not one that can keep you invested for the runtime.

Pros.

An interesting concept

Good tension

The mystery

Cons.

The ending

The pacing

The mental health connotations

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Borley Rectory: Animation Makes Everything Creepier

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An animated documentary telling the history of ‘the most haunted house in Britain’.

I found this to be quite the frightening watch, the fact it was animated rather than the standard live action documentary really helped to give it a leg up over the competition. In that vein the film offers a number of striking visuals through this medium that stick with you after watching, my favourite and the one I found to be the creepiest would be the ghost man sitting on the little girls bed and turning to look into the camera.

Moreover, I found this to be a good documentary both in the sense that it was entertaining, the learning was fun, but also because it helped me to better understand the haunted geography and landscape of my own country a bit better. Before this I had a base understanding of why Borley Rectory was supposed to be haunted, now I know enough to confidently converse on the subject- as I am doing now.

My one issue with this film would be that it jumped around in time a lot. Now quite a lot of documentaries jump around with time but normally they do it in a linear way as in this happened then this then this, however this film doesn’t abide by that rule and jumps backwards as well as forwards which quickly becomes confusing. This is certainly not the sort of film you can ‘half’ watch as you will soon be lost with it.

Overall, a good creepy documentary.

Pros.

It is scary

The animation gives it an edge

A few good scares

It is interesting

Cons.

It can be confusing

It ends rather abruptly

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The Haunting: Nothing Is Scarier Than Poor CGI

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of insomniacs gather at an old mansion for what they think is a sleep survey, whilst in fact it is a study on fear.

Nighties era CGI really was terrible wasn’t it? Whenever there is a scene featuring a ghost in this film, because of the choice of CGI, it is more funny than scary- it is unintentionally hilarious. This film should have gone with practical effects for its horror as many older films did and some still do today, because the alternative is this and this is downright Scorpion King levels of bad.

The acting is at best spotty at worst weak. There are some personal favourites of mine in this film with Liam Neeson and Owen Wilson both being present however they are given nothing to do and are mostly wasted. Wilson particularly has poor dialogue. The screenplay for this film reads as someone who has never written one before using a screen writing for dummies book to try and get through it, whilst remaining untalented.

The worst thing I found with this film was the pacing, there was big gaps of time without anything really happening only to be punctuated with a terribly written cliched bit of dialogue. It was hard to get through.

Overall, an unscary film with laughably bad CGI.

Pros.

A few interesting ideas

Owen Wilson is still as charming as ever

Cons.

The actors are wasted

The CGI

It is not scary

Pacing issues

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V/H/S 94: Maybe These Tapes Were Better Returned

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Another batch of V/H/S tapes are found.

I was a fan of the first two V/H/S films but honestly they have really lost there way. This film reminded me a lot of some of the worst aspects of Ti West’s films, though he was not involved, schlocky and over the line for the sake of being over the line. Many of the segments in this anthology are honestly unpleasant to watch, and that is saying something considering I am a big fan of the genre and not much bothers me anymore. It almost seems like they are going out of there way to one up each other on who can be the most depressing and needlessly excessive.

On top of that none of the segments are even particularly good. The best of a bad bunch would be ‘Storm Drain’ by Chloe Okuno, as this was the only one I found myself enjoying: moreover I liked the concept of ‘Rat-Man’. I would say the weakest is ‘The Empty Wake’ by Simon Barrett, a regular contributor, as it is simply dull.

In terms of pacing this film is also troublesome. Some of the segments feel double their length and are honestly hard to get through whilst others feel rushed and not done justice, it is a strange mix but wrong on both fronts.

Overall, maybe don’t give this a sequel.

Pros.

The Storm Drain was interesting

Cons.

Edgy for the sake of it

Hard to watch

Depressing

Pacing issues galore

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Paranormal Activity: Antagonizing Demons, Smart Move

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple is plagued by strange goings on so decide to record everything that is happening for reasons.

I remember when I was young and I first watched this I was terrified. A friend had convinced me that it was all real and it really messed me up for a few nights after watching. Now years later I know it is not real but I still find this film scary. I know a lot of the people don’t like the franchise for what it would later become and the litany of clones it spawned, but I think this film plays with expectations and builds tensions in such a superb way.

As the film progress and Micah, Micah Sloat, becomes more and more annoying the tension really does amp up and you start to believe it and really empathises with the couple. Obviously the film uses jump scares in its horror but I think it does it better than later films not just in the series but in the genre as they enhance the atmosphere of fear rathe than acting as a standin.

The film has so much promise and so much mystery, sadly they would ruin that as the series progressed, but this film has a fantastic mythology to it.

My main complaint with this film would be that it has a very slow start, made worse by the use of shaky cam and the whole home video aspect.

Overall, an enjoyable film with a few issues.

Pros.

A strong mythology

A nice tense atmosphere

The ending

A few good scares

Cons.

Pacing issues

Micah is an awful character and is super toxic

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The Rite: Anthony Hopkins Was Made For Horror Roles

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A faithless trainee priest, Colin O’ Donoghue, is send to Rome to become an exorcist.

I went into this film excited because I like Anthony Hopkins and he usually does horror very well, so I had high hopes and whilst the film isn’t bad it certainly is mixed. I think the main issue with this film is the fact that it has all been done before so many times over. This film is content to retread old familiar ground without actually doing anything all that new with it and therein lies the problem.

Whilst there are some scary moments here and there, mainly dream sequences for some reason, I found a lot of the horror to again be overly familiar. The issue with this is that the horror then loses some of its impact as you know what is going to happen before it does.

Hopkins is good as he always is, even in a low budget horror film he brings his A game. However that just isn’t enough to make this film good as the material he is given to work with is bad and his co-stars likewise fair poorly: with the exception of Ciaran Hinds who again tries valiantly but is limited by the material given.

Overall, a few good scares but nothing you haven’t seen before.

Pros.

Hopkins

Hinds

A few good scares

Cons.

Very predictable

Not all the scares land

The ending

It is very up the Catholic Churches rear end

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Ready Or Not: You Are Going To Lose At Hide And Seek If You Go Around Screaming Constantly

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Grace, Samara Weaving, goes home to meet her boyfriend’s family and get married, little does she know that doing that will lead to her playing a life and death game of hide and seek.

I am mixed on this film; I like aspects and ideas of the film but there is just something about the overall whole that doesn’t work for me. I like the mythology surrounding the game and the climax that sees the family reap the consequences of their actions. If I were to be picky I would say that the film could have gone a bit further with these aspects and given us more information regarding the demon they made the deal with.

I think Samara Weaving is good here though this is not her best role by a large margin. Over the course of the film Weaving grows into the role more and becomes develops into an interesting character, in the beginning when she is just screaming and crying all the time it is quite dull to watch. By the by her scream here is deeply overused to the point of it becoming off putting, sometimes more is less.

The humour of the film produced a few chuckles from me though most of the jokes past me by unfazed. I would say this film is not a horror comedy as it prioritises its horror elements, though that is not a bad thing.

Overall, a good film that feels rough in a few areas.

Pros.

Weaving for the most part

The ending

The mythology

Cons.

The humour mostly passes me by

Weaving’s scream is overused to the point of either hilarity or annoyance depending on the person

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The Addams Family 2: Still Trying To Live Up To The Live Action Version

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Addams Family are back once again, and this time they are going on a road trip.

Whilst this is not a great film, it still pales deeply when compared to the live action version, it is better than the first animated film which did not seem to understand the IP. This film at least seems to understand the characters better and uses them in a way that feels truer than what we got the last time around.

There are a number of wonderfully weird moments sprinkled in throughout this film that I feel enhance it, they help to tap into the odd sensibilities of the franchise and play on its macabre sense of humour to a great degree. Some of these moments are better than others of course, but most are at least somewhat entertaining.

My issue with this film is that the central story of Wednesday, voiced by Chloe Grace Mortez, not fitting in with her family and then believing herself to be adopted, being kidnapped, only to then be rescued and reassured by her actual family, the Addams, is contrived. How many times will we have to repeat the same stories over and over again in Hollywood before writers come up with something new? Honesty it is getting to a point where I can accurately predict the endings of films within the first few minutes, please freshen up your story telling.

Overall, a slightly better version of the previous film though the story focus does hold it back.

Pros.

It understands the characters more

There are some deeply strange moments

The sensibilities are there

Cons.

The whole Wednesday story

Fester’s side arc

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Howl: Somehow British Public Transport Is Made Even Worse

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A train breaks down in the middle of nowhere and to make matters worse werewolves begin to terrorise those on board.

This is a fairly strong British werewolf film, is it Dog Soldiers good? No but few films can be. There is something so intimately familiar to the British experience within this film, the grubby train packed with angry people that breaks down; I have been there many times. Well maybe not recently in these Covid times.

Speaking of Dog Soldiers I enjoyed seeing Sean Pertwee appear in this film, he is always a very welcome presence as far as I am concerned. However, they kill him off almost immediately which is of course a huge missed opportunity. The cast we do get more time with are all serviceable though no one is particularly stand out.

The werewolf makeup effects and design were interesting, and we do get several good looks at them over the course of the film. I liked that this film felt like it was creating a fresh take on the creatures rather than trotting out standard genre cliches, the glowing eyes I thought were particularly effective.

Overall, a passable film that is fun to watch but one that won’t blow you away or stay in your mind long after watching.

Pros.

The werewolf design and makeup

The very British scenario

The ending

Cons.

Killing of Pertwee early

Pacing issues

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