Kill Her Goats: Softcore Porn Posing As A Slasher Film

Summary

A trio of girls spend almost all the run time posing nude in front of the mirror or taking showers and then at the very end a goat slasher guy shows up to kill them.

Though that summary is a slight hyperbole it is pretty much true. This film is soft core porn, which hey no judgement if that is what you want to watch it for, but in terms of it being a horror film it really isn’t one. For me I found this film to be an act in awkwardness and uncomfortability, I found it to be fairly tasteless and felt a little seedy after watching it all the way through.

The actual slasher segments, which makes up hardly any of the films runtime are fine they are perfectly serviceable and much of what you would expect. Some of the kills do feel a little fetishised, which again added to the ick factor for me, and what I mean by that is that the camera will zoom in on the woman’s boobs as she gets run through or something like that. This film it is pretty clear only has one focus.

The only thing I can give this film props for is that they named the town after the late great Wes Craven which I thought was a nice touch.

Overall, you’ll need a shower after watching it.

1/5

Pros.

The Wes Craven thing

Cons.

It is pervy

It fetishises the kills in an uncomfortable way

The story is largely nonexistent

It makes the slasher sub-genre look bad

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Children Of The Corn: Now With Added GMOs

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Children of the Corn is remade in the era of GMOs and climate activism.

This film was one of the worst I have watched in a long time. It makes me question if the writer knows anything about youth culture other than what they see on social media, I would guess not. The teen characters, which by the rules of the original story would likely have been killed but clearly they aren’t sticking to things, only exist to lecture their parents on their evils, even going so far as to put them on trial because they do something they don’t like, so far so bratty. Then the little kids are even worse, they are like oh we get a say in our own future then they follow it up by killing their parents again for not any real reason. It feels like the worst corners of twitter, the whiny types who have to have everything there way and who have to constantly campaign for different causes in order to have a soul/personality turned up to the max.

Couple this with the fact that this film in no way even tries to follow the original or books story and doesn’t even bother to kill off the adults into mid-way into the film, and you will start to see just how bad it is. Worse yet, unlike the original film with Linda Hamilton, wherein the He Would Walks is not shown but instead illuded to, much scarier, here we show him in all this CGI terribleness and honestly it removes any kind of fear factor out of the story and instead almost becomes comedic.

Overall, before watching this I had heard it was bad, but it was worse than I was expecting it to be.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The writer’s only interaction with young people is clearly those they see on Twitter

The social commentary is unneeded and not handled well

It is not scary

They ruin any kind of mystery or tension with the crop creature

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Winnie The Pooh Blood And Honey: A Straight To DVD Film In The Truest Sense

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The 100 acre wood gang go feral.

You have probably heard people talking about this film and how it is so shocking and controversial, as it takes beloved children’s characters and makes them murderers. However, it really isn’t shocking, it is a quite clear effort to be provocative and edgy in order to get attention and sell what would otherwise probably be a straight to DVD affair.

In many senses this attempt to be edgy falls flat, as it doesn’t go far enough. When you look at another independent horror film in Terrifier and you compare the two you can see just what I am saying. In many senses this film just feels like a generic slasher film, even when it is trying to be gory and shocking it pales in comparison to other films like Terrifier

Another thing I disliked about this film was how bad the writing was and through that how stupid the characters were. I will give you one example of my point there is a scene in a room with a swimming pool wherein the victim is stood on the side of the pool and the killer is advancing towards her, yet rather than run around the otherside of the pool which she totally could do and maybe even get away she instead jumps into the pool in fright. It is baffling decisions like this that make rooting for any of the characters in the picture hard.

I do think the premise is strong and the idea does have merit undeniably but the execution is beyond lacking.

Overall, try hardy and boring in the worst way.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is an interesting idea

The opening inspires confidence

Cons.

It is boring

It is not as edgy or as shocking as the marketing presents it

It is generic

The characters are dumb and unlikeable

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The Last Of Us: Look For The Lights

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Joel, played by Pedro Pascal, and Ellie, played by Bella Ramsey, reach the end of their journey.

So this episode wasn’t shocking for me as I knew it was coming, when Ramsey took to social media to say the final would be divisive I was expecting something shocking but in reality it was just the ending of the game most people picked, to save Ellie.

When Joel goes on his rampage and guns down most of the fireflies in order to get Ellie out the show clearly wants to frame it through the lens of look at what a brutal, and possibly even unjust, thing he is doing, however, this doesn’t work for me as I agree with Joel and picked this ending in the game. A parent would watch the world burn as long as their child was safe.

I also question the merit in having the season finale be one of the shortest episodes of the show, if not the shortest. I think the episode does have somewhat of a rushed feel to it and could have gone into more of the life of Ellie’s mother, played by Ashley Johnson, or could have shown more of Joel and Ellie in the aftermath of the hospital bloodbath as they deal with what happened.

Overall, whilst still good this was probably one of the weakest episodes of the show.

PS. I think this might be where I leave the show, as if they do a second season that adapts the second game I don’t want to watch it unless they make some pretty major changes.

3.5/5

Pros.

Joel rampage

The emotions

Pascal’s acting throughout

Saving Ellie

Cons.

It was too short

I disagreed with how the show framed things

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The Last Of Us: When We Are In Need

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ellie, played by Bella Ramsey, is kidnapped by a group of cannibals, and a recovering Joel, played by Pedro Pascal, must fight to try and save her.

I think this may have been the best episode of the season yet. The emotion in the final ten minutes of the episode is so powerful that you can’t help but be effected. Whether it is the scene of Ellie hacking apart the leader of the cannibals and the look into her soul we get during that scene, or the moment where she meets up with Joel again and he finally accepts her as his daughter. Truly it is incredibly powerful.

I thought the character work within this episode was great, both of the characters go to some really dark places but it is interesting to see them hit that edge and to consider their reactions to the darkness within the show. It is through this that the morality and the complexities of the world are better realised and played with. Once again the performances from both Ramsey and Pascal are fantastic.

Overall, perhaps the best episode yet.

4.5/5

Pros.

Pascal

Ramsey

The emotional journey of the episode

The dark places the characters go to

The ending

Cons.

There are some light pacing issues especially around the first act of the episode that really do slow it down

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We Have A Ghost: David Harbour Is Charming Even When Silent

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A family moves into a house only to find it haunted.

I thought in some respects this was quite a sweet film. Very familiar, but sweet. I thought the friendship between Jahi Winston’s Kevin and David Harbour’s Ernest was fairly nice and heart-warming, I liked a lot of the awkward comedy they injected into the interactions between the two, especially after they go on the run. Likewise I thought that the relationship between Kevin and his father, played by Anthony Mackie, was also quite well done I liked how they showed the distance but also that the spark of their bond was still partially alive.

My criticism of this film would be that it leaves a lot on the table and doesn’t go as wild as I would have liked it to, for a film that has a secret government agency that hunts down ghosts this film is more interested in it’s characters relationships than anything else, which for me seemed like a missed opportunity. When looking at Landon’s other recent work with the Happy Death Day films and Freaky I was expecting something a little more zany, though maybe he was trying to rebalance the scales with this one.

A final aside before I bring this review to an end, I think that this film is absolutely stolen by Isabella Russo’s Joy, whenever she is on-screen she commands attention and without trying was easily my favourite character of the film, I liked her attitude and general vibe and I also thought she had a lot of the funniest lines in the picture.

Overall, a surprisingly sweet film but one that has been done before, arguably better, and one that doesn’t go as hard or as silly as you would like it to.

3/5

Pros.

Winston, Harbour and Mackie

The character work and relationships

Russo as the scene stealer

Cons.

A little too serious at times for what it is

Pacing issues galore

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The Last Of Us: Left Behind

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ellie, played by Bella Ramsey, now looking after a seemingly dying Joel, played by Pedro Pascal, remembers a time when she lost someone else who was close to her.

I think this was the best episode yet for letting us understand the character of Ellie. She goes through so much in this episode and Ramsey really takes us on a journey through the character, we see the highest highs and then the crushing lows and as we are so invested we feel these emotions along with the character.

I thought the central romance was quite good, not as good as Bill and Frank from a few episodes ago, however. I think Ramsey does a lot of the heavy lifting in this department, which I suppose is because until fairly near the end Riley, played by Storm Reid, isn’t aware of Ellie’s feelings but still. In my opinion, Ramsey’s performance across the whole episode is quite a bit stronger than Reid’s who really doesn’t do a good job of emoting.

Personally, I would have liked a bit more time with Ellie and Joel so that we can understand how long has passed and more about their situation but I guess that is being saved for next week’s episode with the cannibals.

Overall, another good episode but not one of the show’s best, mainly due to a weak performance from Reid and a lack of Joel and Ellie development. This weeks episode does very much feel like DLC.

4/5

Pros.

Ramsey really has a chance to show off here

The romance

The emotions

Really doing a lot with character growth

Cons.

Reid

Not enough Joel and Ellie time

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The Mummy Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor: In Need Of Rachel Weisz

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The O’Connells, played by Brendan Fraser and now for some reason Maria Bello, take on a new undead foe in the form of the Dragon Emperor, played by Jet Li.

A lot of people hate on this film and for the most part I can totally see why, replacing Weisz with Bello is noticeable mostly because Weisz was as big a part of the series as Fraser so her absence feels odd, not to mention the fact that Fraser and Bello have no chemistry at all. I also don’t like that they make Fraser’s Rick some what of a deadbeat dad and give him a backseat in what should be his own film.

However, that said I do think this film has some redeemable parts to it. For me this mainly comes in seeing new undead threats and moving away from Ancient Egypt, I think this is a great idea as it really helps the film feel different, fresh and expands the world of the film to a great effect. Moreover, both Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh are fantastic in their new roles and really do bring a lot to the film. I think Li in particularly easily fills the shoes of Vosloo from the previous two films and is a commanding presence on screen.

I also really, really like that this film features Yetis, but that is just because I find that cryptid creature fascinating.

Overall, certainly the weakest film in the trilogy but not without redeemable moments.

2.5/5

Pros.

Moving away from Egypt

It feels fresh

The Yetis

Cons.

Weisz not returning

Making Jack a bit player in his own film and pushing the son

The pacing issues are quite noticeable

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The Mummy Returns: Some How They Managed To Make The Effects Even Worse

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The O’Connells, played by Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz, do battle with Imhotep, played by Arnold Vosloo, all over again this time bringing their kid, played by Freddie Boath, along as well.

I think in many ways this film really tries to recapture the magic of the first film and in some ways really succeeds in that quest whilst at the same time drastically failing in other areas. I think on the whole this is a diminished sequel that fails to live up to the first film.

My two main issues with this film are that the iffy CGI and VFX work of the first film is turned up to one hundred here and becomes laughably bad. This really hurts the film as it stops it being scary anymore. In addition the child actor playing the O’Connells kid is really quite terrible and his distractingly bad performance also drags you out of the film. Child actors are rarely good in any film but this one is particularly annoying throughout and this is only made worse by how much the film likes to focus on him.

The two things I will give this film credit for however are, one that they raise the stakes from the first film and really start to flesh out the world as a whole and two that they bring back Ardeth, played by Oded Fehr, from the first film and give him a lot more to do which is nice considering he is one of the most interesting characters in the entire series. I would argue quite passionately that it should have been Ardeth that got the spin-off film and not Dwayne Johnson’s Scorpion King but hey.

Overall, a lesser sequel but one that still gets some stuff right.

3/5

Pros.

The wider scope

Brining back Ardeth and giving the character more to do

Still some good moments and scares

Cons.

The CGI work is awful

The kid is incredibly annoying and the film focuses on him way too much

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The Last Of Us: Kin

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Joel, played by Pedro Pascal, and Ellie, played by Bella Ramsey, finally reach Tommy, played by Gabriel Luna.

I enjoyed this episode in many ways because it focused on character relationships be that between Joel and his brother or between Ellie and Joel. I thought the conversation Ellie and Joel had about the other filling a role in their lives that is empty was quite powerful and needed, I think it adds a layer to their relationship now going forward.

Having played the game I knew where this episode was heading with regards to Joel’s brush with death. I thought the choreography of the action and the wider scene in which Joel was stabbed was well done, it felt frantic and rushed pacing wise, which although it doesn’t sound good in this case is as it lends it a certain visceral feel. It will be interesting to see how long the show will have Joel on ice, will it only be one episode or more?

My one complaint would be that if anything this episode feels as though it brushed past a lot of the background of what Tommy has been up to and his new community, yes we see some of a day in their lives, but that still leaves a lot of questions unanswered which really isn’t good if the story isn’t going to double back to them at some point. I suppose when they get around to the events of the second game we would get more Tommy and maybe some of the questions would be answered there but that seems a long way off at this point.

Overall, another good episode though one that leaves quite a few questions unanswered.

4/5

Pros.

Joel and Ellie’s relationship growth

Finally seeing Tommy again

The action scene that sees Joel injured

The emotions

Cons.

At times the pacing feels a little rushed

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