We Wish You A Married Christmas: Cute Alpacas To The Rescue

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A married couple check in to a B and B over the Christmas period in order to try and fix their marriage.

Really the main selling point for me of this film is the Alpacas, I really like Llamas and Alpacas and seeing one on the poster for this film is what made me want to check it out. For the most part the Alpacas aren’t really featured but when they are it is the best moments of the film.

Really everything else about this film is deeply generic and makes the film hard to watch. It is a slog to get through and the central couple have no chemistry at all and instead feel throughout the film, even in the end when they are supposed to be happy with each other again, as though they hate each other.

The pacing is also really incredibly bad, and the film feels like it is on for double or even triple its runtime.

Overall, some cute Alpacas aren’t enough to keep you watching throughout this film, as boring as it gets for bad Christmas films.

Pros.

The Alpacas

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is tedious to sit through

It is deeply generic

The romantic leads have no chemistry at all

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Christmas Under Wraps: Santa Claus Is Real

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A doctor, played by Candace Cameron Brue, moves to Alaska and wouldn’t you know it she falls in love with both small town life and with one of the local sons.

Again this is nothing new, you have seen this same movie reskinned time and time again especially if like me you enjoy watching bad Hallmark Christmas films. This goes beyond being simply formulaic and feels like instead there is a check list of things that need to be ticked off one by one, something mimicking whole moments from other films.

However, where this film shone for me was in the fact that the male lead’s father, played by Brian Doyle-Murray, was actually Father Christmas. Most of these films stick to a samey formula that always boils down to the same conclusion, however, I liked that this film got a little zany and went for something quite different.

The performances aren’t very good, with Brue being especially bad. Although, what do you expect from a Hallmark film.

Overall, I like that they went there with it, but otherwise it was a very by the numbers sort of project.

Pros.

The leap into fantasy

It is unintentionally funny

The pacing

Cons.

Brue doesn’t give a good performance and her character is hard to like

It is very samey and formulaic

The ending feels rushed

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Sideworld: Damnation Village

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A horrifying look under the skin of a number of British village.

With the previous two entries into the Sideworld series I was a big fan I enjoyed their creepy blend of folklore and wider mythology and how they feel so specific to different aspects of the British experience. As such I was expecting big things when I saw this film, and I have to say I was a little disappointed. Now I am not saying this film was bad, far from it, but I am saying it felt a little stunted when compared to the two previous films. I don’t know whether it is because this film decided to focus more on a modern and man made area but it just felt limited and frankly a little stretched thin.

That aside all the technical aspects of this film were on point and the film for the most part generated a creepy atmosphere that sucked you in and didn’t let go, leaving you chilled to the bone. I thought the horror elements were perhaps at the strongest here with regard to the whole series. Certainly I was left unsettled.

Overall, Still a fun scary experience but a bit more threadbare than I was expecting it to be.

Pros.

The scares

The atmosphere

It is interesting, but it doesn’t go far or deep enough

Cons.

It is too short

It should have gone into greater depth and really explored the area

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Maple Valley Christmas: The Christmas Rom-Com Every Incel Needs

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The unlikely love story of a rancher and a property developer.

I think in many ways this is an incredibly cliched Christmas rom-com, it did nothing new, everything was incredibly predictable and the ending could have been seen coming from a mile away. It is by no means a good film.

What saves the film to a degree for me is the chemistry between female lead Peyton List and male lead Andrew K. Walker, both of them gave good performances, particularly List, and appeared as quite a genuine and believable couple on screen.

However, in the quality of their romance lies another problem of the film and that is some quite toxic elements. These can best be found in two scenes where Walker’s character uses straight up incel logic and negging to get List’s character to apologies to him and behave how he wants. These scenes are quite problematic and do take away from the enjoyment of the film quite a bit.

Overall, it has some good moments but the incel vibes drag it down.

Pros.

List

The romance

Cons.

The incel vibes

The pacing

It is incredibly generic

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The Woman King: Revisionism

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The story of an all-female warrior unit that fought to protect the Kingdom of Dahomey.

I thought this film was at times a slog to get through. I know that historical epics are often on for a long time and feel like a mammoth task to watch, but this film just seemed to never end. I think there are a lot of scenes which could have been cut from this film that would improve it and make the pacing better.

Moreover, I didn’t care for the historical revisionism that was in play within the film, with the fictious lead character, played by Viola Davis, trying to preach the evils of slavery to the King, played by John Boyega despite the fact that in real life Dahomey played a large role in the slave trade. To me this felt like the film was trying to virtue signal and rewrite history rather than deal with troublesome truths.

Additionally, a lot of the reviews I have read for this film praise its action, but I thought that the action actually looked quite bad. This can be seen to come down to two things, firstly that the sword hits never quite seemed to land and were often a few miles off, and secondly the choreography was just all over the place often challenging in baffling ways what people will believe to be realistic for a tale with real people not superheroes.

I would say the cast was a saving grace for the film. Lashana Lynch and Viola Davis both had a number of great moments and delivered instantly memorable performances. Both of their characters felt fully rounded and interesting to get to know.

Overall, a historical epic that has some interesting moments but mostly misses the mark

Pros

Davis

Lynch

Cons.

The fight scenes

The historical revisionism

The pacing

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Holiday Rush: Moving From A Mansion To A Large House, A Tale Of Poverty

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single father, played by Romany Malco, must get his family through a tough time in the lead up to Christmas as they go from haves to have nots.

A lot of these low budget Christmas films that I have been watching recently have mostly left me cold, but this one was slightly, and I do mean slightly, above the rest.

The main reason for this elevation is Malco as the leading man, not only do we root for him but we also really buy into his struggles. Part of the reason why Malco’s character in this film works is because he is so relatable and humble. He never comes off as smug or self-righteous as often many of the characters in these sorts of films do, but instead he feels like a family man who will do anything for his kids.

The plot has been done before and there are no new surprises or subversions thrown in, it very much is what you see is what you get. The ending is also exactly what you would think it would be and in that regard I am not complaining as I thought it was fairly fitting, but throughout the rest of the film it does become somewhat tediously obvious.

Overall, a slightly better than average low budget Christmas film.

Pros.

Malco

The ending

A few funny moments

Cons.

It is predictable

The child actors/ teen actors are awful

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Weird The Al Yankovic Story: Never Stop Chasing Your Accordion

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A film detailing the supposed life of Weird Al Yankovic, which is also a stand up of modern Hollywood biopics.

This was one of my most anticipated films of the year, and now that I have seen it I feel somewhat disappointed. Don’t get me wrong the film is still a lot of fun and there are a number of good jokes that come about as a result of the parody, but there are also a number of problems with the film that stop it from ever being truly great.

The chief issue for me is the fact that because the film is trying to cram in so many different references and call backs to other famous biopics, and different types of biopic at that, that often the comedy of the film can range far too broadly and not land, I think the comedy is far more miss than hit. Another thing that bothered me about this film is that it leaves a lot of the best of Weird Al’s work out, maybe I have been spoilt by other musical biopics that hit you with maybe one too many songs, but here I found it was far too few.

The film is redeemed in a lot of ways by its performances, Daniel Radcliffe once again proves that he has fantastic comedy chops, Evan Rachel Wood is a scene stealer as Madonna and deserves her own spin off film and finally Toby Huss is great as Al’s disapproving dad.

Overall, fun but not as strong as it could have been.

Pros.

Wood

It’s a lot of fun

Radcliffe and Huss

The ending

Cons.

It barely features any of Weird Al’s songs

The comedy is more miss than hit

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Christmas In London: Small Town America Is Replaced With Quaint Small Town London

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Exactly what you would expect from a Hallmark film called Christmas In London.

Despite most of the cast being British themselves you wouldn’t know it with a collection of awful accents, and one good one. The only good accent in this film was Will Sharp doing an American accent, which to me sounded quite convincing though to an American ear may sound just as poor as a lot of the other actors trying to do various different British accents with no level of success.

I was rather unsurprised to find the usual collection of cliches and cultural stereotypes being put forward here, in many senses this film is ignorant about British people and British culture but I would expect nothing less from it.

The main pro I have for this film is that I found the central romance to be convincing which is high praise for these sort of films were very often the romance feels incredibly forced. I found myself rooting for the couple in the end, which again is more than I can say for a lot of other bad Christmas films.

Overall, not good by any means but certainly not the worst.

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a good central romance

The characters mostly come off as likeable

Cons.

The British stereotypes

The bad accents

The pacing

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We Need A Little Christmas: Why Not Just Let A Stranger Into Your Lives?

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A recently widowed single mother, played by Erica Durance, struggles to connect with her son, however with the help of a friendly neighbour, played by Lynn Whitfield, she is able to get through to him and have an enjoyable Christmas.

Yes, I have started watching bad Hallmark Christmas films. Though Christmas is still a while off yet, it is never too early to inject a little Christmas joy into your viewing habits.

That aside this film was aggressively average, not only did nothing interesting happen throughout the entirety of the film, but also there were so many plot holes that I fell down one and have never gotten out of it. The main one that irks me is that even in small town America, where everyone is supposed to know each other and be friendly, I doubt that one would let a stranger so intimately into their lives so quickly, let alone their child’s life as well.

There is also some subtext in this film about single mothers being incapable that I didn’t like, you don’t have to scratch too far beneath the surface to see the traditional family values schtick which feels woefully out of date. Also there is a pro-military vibe that really comes out of nowhere and which makes this film feel quite conservative, which personally I am not about but that is a personal preference I suppose.

Overall, a decidedly meh Christmas film that falls apart the more you think about it.

Pros.

It is watchable

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The single mother bashing subtext

The strange pro-military aspects

The mountains of plot holes

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Raw: A Different Side To University Hazing

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young vegetarian medical student, played by Garance Marillier, develops a taste for human flesh after eating part of a rabbit during the hazing process at her university.

I think in so many ways this film is a triumph, I enjoy that it is not fully a horror film as even until the end there are also dark comedy aspects to the film that made me laugh. However, when viewing this film as a horror film it certainly falls within body horror more than any other genre, though an argument could be made for psychological horror as well I suppose. I think when considering this film as a body horror film it feels like a modern update to the early work of David Cronenberg, with a slight tinge of Eastern influence as well. I think if gore is not your thing then definitely give this one a miss, although I would say the gore never crosses the line into gross out territory.

Additionally, I thought that Marillier was a breath of fresh air in this film, feeling both deeply relatable in terms of her university experience, bar the cannibalism, but also somehow ethereal and myth like. I think you would be hard pressed to not like any of the characters here as they are all fairly easy to warm to.

Overall, a fabulous film.

Pros.

Marillier

The body horror

The relatability, feeling both real and fantastical at the same time

The ending

The dark comedy

Cons.

Some slight pacing issues

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