The Crow: The Remake From Hell

Summary

Bill Skarsgard puts on some face paint and cosplays as Eric Draven.

This film was doomed from the off, there was jus too much of a bad taste associated with this remake in the light of Brandon Lee’s death. As I have said before if it had been set in the same universe but with other characters then it probably wouldn’t be as hated as it is, but alas here we are.

Another thing that horribly dates this film is the fact that rather than try to keep to the look from the first film here instead making Eric look like a hot topic reject. Even when the Crow makeup goes on it just looks like a cheap Youtube parody.

In a sense this is very true of the film as a whole, it reads as though it is trying to remake the original to stand alongside it, or maybe even best it, but rather than do any of those things it comes off as an overly serious parody film. I even question whether Skarsgard was miscast.

Overall, a terrible and incredibly unnecessary remake.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The look is all wrong

It doesn’t seem to understand what made the first film popular

It feels at best like a parody

It is an insult to Brandon Lee’s legacy

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Trap: Nepo Baby The Movie 2

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Cooper, Josh Harnett, take his daughter, April Donoghue, to a concert. The dad is also a serial killer and the concert is a trap meant to catch him.

This is a disappointing Shyamalan film for a number of reasons. First and most important is that there is no twist, the director known for twists doesn’t do one here. The trailer tells you he’s a serial killer and that the film is about the law trying to catch him, there is no reveal that he isn’t actually a killer or that it is his daughter and he’s trying to help cover for her or something like that, no you wait for a twist that never comes.

Secondly, the nepotism is getting a bit hard to stomach now. I had no issue when Shyamalan wanted to put himself into his films as a sort of authorial flourish, but now that he is forcing his frankly untalented daughter, Saleka, upon us I think things have gone too far. The film has this singer, decide that rather than just help the killer escape and then get the hell away she will instead solve the case and stop him. Saleka is Shyamalan’s real life daughter and whilst it is bad enough he made her the singer that the concert venue revolves around, the fact he says that she is the hero destined to stop this killer, when no one would behave like that is just egregious. In reality after being held hostage by a killer you would run away or maybe go to the police. You would not live stream from the killers toilet to try and save his latest victim, it feels so fake so not how any real person would behave and contrived. Also Saleka is not a good actor despite what her dad might think, she is distractingly bad.

Sadly, the idea of the trap itself is quite interesting and seeing Josh Hartnett having to go to great lengths to get himself out of the situation whilst also being hilariously awkward with his daughter is fun to watch, but that is only about 60 percent of the film. You would have a much better experience if you got up when they leave the concert venue and went home what comes next is all the stuff with M.Night’s daughter and the horrible and contrived ending.

I think this film shows M. Night at a lower rung than even something like The Last Airbender because at least there he was still trying to do something, bad as it was, here he cant even be bothered with a twist he just wants to give his kid a summer job.

Overall, one of the most glaring disappointments of the summer.

1.5/5

Pros.

Hartnett is trying

The early parts of the film are fun

Cons.

There is no twist

The ending is stupid, unbelievable and contrived

The nepotism is repugnantly on view

It shows Shyamalan is not even trying anymore

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Babes: Mindless Viewing

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Ilana Glazer, gets pregnant and has to deal with it.

So Glazer’s horrible views on Gaza aside, she repeats all the same anti-semitic views/lies as a lot of other left wing celebrities but goes hey it’s okay because I am Jewish when it is just an effort in self-hate and fake allyship just like Seth Rogen, this film does have some redeemable moments.

The humour of the film is hit or miss, there are a few genuinely laugh out loud moments, but then also some scenes and joke chains that carry on for too long. It lacks the sharpness that something like Broad City has and at times it feels like it has run out of jokes so repeats one from earlier.

The story is okay, I liked Glazer’s character and found myself rooting for her to be okay, but that doesn’t negate from the fact that this is a story we have seen before. How many times has the unprepared mother had motherhood turn up on her doorstep and then had to rise to the occasion? Too many times to count.

Overall, there isn’t much to say about this film it does what it says on the tin, it is on and off funny and doesn’t push the needle in any kind of way

2.5/5

Pros.

Glazer is likable

It has some funny moments

It is watchable

Cons.

It does nothing new

It repeats unfunny jokes

It leaves you feeling fairly hollow

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Alien Romulus: Cheering On The Alien

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Alien franchise is dead, don’t let anyone tell you any different.

So before we get into everything wrong with this film, and there is a lot, we will talk about the three things I liked. Firstly, I enjoyed the connections to Prometheus it was neat to have it and to have a direct tie between the prequel films and the later Ripley, Sigourney Weaver films, though it would have been better if David, Michael Fassbender, had appeared. Secondly, I liked that they brought back the science officer from the first film that was an interesting and plot relevant cameo. Thirdly, the final monster was very well designed and looked both alien and frightening.

Now with that out of the way lets get into why this film isn’t good. The main and most glaring reason why this film is bad is because the entire cast beyond David Jonsson’s Andy and Isabela Merced are awful people and entirely unlikeable. So Andy is a Synthetic and the film seems to use that as a stand in for someone with mental disabilities in a sickening way. The opening sections of the film have Andy being beaten up for being different, being told he is lesser than by the other crew members and being told by his sister, Cailee Spaeny, that he is going to be left behind when she wants to start a new life. The poor guy even apologizes to his sister for being a burden it is really hard to watch. The way the entire cast of characters bar Merced’s treat Andy as though he is just something to be used and discarded is a really horrible comment on how vulnerable people are treated by some. The film has Spaeny’s lead realise that she should treat him better by the end, but it doesn’t change the fact that you start rooting for the alien and kill them all. To make matters more uncomfortable you also have the fact that Andy is a POC and his whole purpose in life is to service a white lady. No one, at Disney, at Fox, anywhere thought how did that look.

The film also goes out of its way to make the Xenomorph weaker and easier to beat, it uses the mud trick from Predator in a different way and has the lead just shoot a whole mess of them that just charge her for no good reason in zero gravity. They are supposed to be smart and super hard to kill but our lead kills about 12 of them in under 5 minutes. This also drops the threat level of the film as a whole and is not made up for with Human/Engineer hybrid at the end, which whilst scary is too little too late.

Overall, a disappointment that leaves a poor taste after watching it.

1/5

Pros.

Prometheus ties

Bringing back the science officer

Cons.

The characters are horrible and one dimensional

They treat the synthetic guy in a cruel and nasty way and it is hard to watch

There is some vague racist undertones to it

It makes the xenomorph non-threatening

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Alien: A Crumbling Classic

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

One of the supposed greats struggles to hold up.

I have not watched the original Alien in years, since I was a little kid, and upon watching it now I began to notice some issues with it. I know many people consider this a classic, but it has a brutal first act, the first thirty minutes where nothing much happens beyond they discuss pay disputes and begin to set out on a rescue mission is brutally slow.

I enjoy and appreciate the aesthetic of this film, be it the very Seventies esque futuristic tech, or the very gothic inspired cinematography, however, I think the pacing is just too much. Once the alien arrives things start to pick up, and yes I know that the franchise needs the first thirty minutes to set up world and history and what not, but it doesn’t help how dry it is.

Ripley, Sigourney Weaver, is still one of the best heroines of all time and when it is her facing down the alien we are back on stride, though it must be said that none of the characters other than her, and that’s including John hurt’s character, have very much to do at all are fairly one dimensional.

Overall, perhaps its modern pacing that has made me unable to cope with the first act of this film, but whilst what comes later is good, the opening is incredibly off putting in terms of pace.

3/5

Pros.

The ending

Weaver

The look of the film

Cons.

The first act

Some one dimensional characters

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The Loch Ness Horror: Why Do Even Our Straight To Streaming Movies Need Americans In Them

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Whilst exploring Loch Ness a submarine comes into some trouble.

Yes you heard that right folks there’s a submarine in Loch Ness a closed body of water that has limited access ways to the wider sea or the coast, clearly it was airlifted in.

This film is a cross between a student film under very very very low budget indie, at times the production values are so incredibly cheap that you question if the whole thing is not just some AI experiment. There are exterior shots of the ship that goes to rescue the submarine that quite clearly aren’t real.

The acting if one could call it that, reminds me of the sort of acting you might see out of an nepo child after their daddy has paid their way into the film. You have a mixture of can’t do an accent, won’t do an accent, and a few scatterings of Americans thrown in there because they can’t get any work back in the States.

As someone who has been to Loch Ness I don’t understand why this film couldn’t even use shots of the location, were they too poor to afford it, did the location say no? Who knows, but one thing I can say for sure is that this film knows nothing about the lore of the Loch Ness Monster, and just stitches together some bad monster movie cliches in order to have something barely resembles a coherent storyline.

Overall, why did I watch this, why did people make this, why did this need to exist, all of these and more are more entertaining questions than anything this film can put forward.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It is not even in so bad it is good territory

It looks cheap

It knows nothing of the creature and its lore

It is dumb

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Twisters: Yee-Haw I’M Gonna Wrestle Me A Twister

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Yee-haw non Californian cinema is back.

I went into this with incredibly low expectations, I have never seen the original and I believe the disaster movie genre peaked and died well over five years ago. However, there was just something about the Midwestern charm of this film that made me invested. If there is one thing I can say for this film it’s incredibly fun, it is a good time at the movies, it really doesn’t need to be more than that.

I appreciated that this film did not give us a climate change PSA, it was clearly there if you want to see it but it was not rammed down our throats as many recent releases have been doing with climate change and other messages. The scale of these tornadoes seemed both epic and also at times quite menacing, it had both an intimate and also end of the world feel to it especially in the third act. The tornado effects were simply stunning and I believe that they will age very well.

Glenn Powell is as charming as ever, you really by the romance between him and Daisy Edgar-Jones’ character, though there is an element of Hallmark-ness to their romance. I found the 1st 10 minutes of the film to be a little bit predictable and obvious as it was clear that they were all going to die hence they would need to get a new crew for later in the film and a new love interest. I think it is a typical case of the trailers and pre-release information giving too much away, we all knew that Powell was the leading man so Edgar-Jones’ college boyfriend needed to die.

Overall, a fun summer trip to the cinema

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

It doesn’t preach at you

The tornado effects

It is charming

Cons.

There are some long drawn out exposition scenes that hamper pacing a bit

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Long Legs: Nicolas Cage Makes Some Dolls And Screams About His Mom And Dad

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hunt for a serial killer begins.

Many people were upset with this film expecting it to be something it wasn’t. The marketing suggested this film to be a crime thriller ala Silence Of The Lambs, however, the film was far more of a supernatural horror film and for me that worked.

Much like with Ti West, Osgood Perkin’s to me as a director is incredibly hit and miss, whilst he can make a scary film he can also make art house garbage, as such I went into this with low expectations. I must say in every way this film blew me away, not only was it coherent, but it was also incredibly scary, I may say that this film is the scariest of the year so far. This was especially true as the more supernatural elements began to develop in the plot, the idea of the dolls and the devil was used very effectively here. Another thing that’s praiseworthy is the fact that the film relied on an atmosphere rather than cheap jump scares, which diverges the film from a lot of recent horror releases.

Maika Monroe is quickly becoming a scream queen, if not THE scream queen of our age, she plays the lead here with equal amounts of charm and unease. She commands attention but can also be quite comedic at times, there is a scene in which a little girl invites her character to a birthday party and it is some of the best cringe comedy that you might ever see.

My two main gripes of this film are both fairly minor. Firstly, I don’t like how much of a willing participant the mum becomes, as the narrative of the film suggests she’s just doing it to keep her daughter alive, to me this shift in motivations doesn’t make sense. They could have explained this away by her becoming possessed or something but they don’t. Secondly, though I am a massive fan I think Nicolas Cage was miscast here, so his character looks scary sure, but Cage’s delivery and performance makes the character almost a joke at times and is distractingly bad. They have seemingly let Cage go full Cage and this film didn’t require or need that, if anything it hurts it.

Overall, one of the best horror films of the year so far

4/5

Pros.

It is scary

The mythology

Monroe

It is well paced and keeps a good atmosphere

Cons.

The mother’s character motivations

Cage is wrong for the part

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The Bottom Dweller

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple get some unexpected money from the IRS and then go about spending it whilst looking over their shoulder.

I thought that this film was nice wish fulfilment, the idea of getting a large sum of money and just spending it is always satisfying to see realised on screen as you get to think what would you do in that situation if you got that same amount of money.

As for the comedy of the film, I thought that there were a few humorous over the top situations that came about as a result of them spending their money like it was going out of fashion, however, I would say it was not as funny as The Golden Boys, by the same studios, as I prefer absurdism.

I think that the characters feel like real people and that is nice and you can really buy into the world of the film and relate to them.

Overall, a fun time but one that is not as laugh a minute as the studios’ other work

3/5

Pros.

Some good jokes

Relatable characters

A good pace

Cons.

It repeats some unfunny jokes

It doesn’t fully develop its premise in a meaningful way

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The Golden Boys

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two friends head out to catch a bank robber with a little help from some unlikely allies.

This film made me laugh. As it is a comedy film I could leave the review right there and it would have succeeded in what it set out to do, but I’ll go a little further.

In many senses this film reminded me of something like Fargo, it had crime elements but also some comedy, and where I would say is the main point of divergence which for me makes this better is that where the former has dark comedy elements this is a lot more light. As many of you who read my reviews on the regular know, I find dark comedy to be a trying genre that is incredibly hit and miss, so I am glad this is more goofball comedy than dark.

I think the blending of this tale of these two friends setting out to catch a bank robber, which whilst silly has some serious elements, with the fact they are in a Golden Girls fan club and have a series off odd friends from that come and help them out is pure gold. It has a lot of good belly laughing sort of jokes and set pieces that have you smiling even when you aren’t laughing.

It is a very hard to dislike sort of film.

Overall, a fun silly comedy film that is just the ticket when looking for something to cheer you up when you’re down.

4/5

Pros.

It is funny

The merging of serious and silly

The characters are all likeable

The Golden Girls references

Cons.

A few light pacing issues

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