The Santa Claus: Assuming An Identity

The Santa Claus is a Christmas family comedy film directed by John Pasquin. The film sees a business man (Tim Allen), accidentally kill Santa Claus and then assume this identity and responsibilities, meanwhile he is fighting a custody battle with his ex-wife.

I truly do think that Tim Allen makes this film, he pulls of the charming everyman well and when he becomes Santa Claus he plays him with enough warmth and light that it is a near perfect incarnation of everything that entity stands for.

I enjoyed the darker undertones of the story, that you can see just from my slight plot description. I don’t know whether these were intentionally or just an unintended by product, but regardless it gave me something to laugh at during the film; I would guess it was more likely deliberate as these darker moments carry over into the sequel as well (review coming soon).

My one complaint would be that the custody plotline is not needed. There is already a lot going on with Allen’s character transforming into and becoming Santa Claus, we don’t need another fairly generic drama sub plot as well; it just makes the film feel cluttered and bloated.

Overall, this film is a lot of fun thanks in no small part to an excellent performance from Allen as well as a focus on the lore of Santa Claus.

Pros.

The transformation

Tim Allen

The darker and more sinister moments which I found funny

Cons.

The child custody subplot

Pacing issues

The wider supporting cast add nothing

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

Show Dogs: The Low Point Of Will Arnett’s Career

Show Dogs is a buddy cop comedy film directed by Raja Gosnell. The plot follows an FBI agent (Will Arnett), who goes undercover in a dog show to try and recover a missing panda. By his side the whole time is tough LAPD street dog Max (Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges), can the two get on for long enough to solve the crime?

So, I won’t even get into the weird bestiality, abuse scene from this film that was cut. However, I will say that it is very odd to have a scene where the dogs are touched (for inspection purposes), but without their consent in the gentiles which is shown to be traumatic towards the dogs, and then have one of the dogs remark that it is normal and just something to accept, in a kid’s film. The message of this is frankly disgusting and an investigation should be launched into who wrote it and why.

That said, though this film is undeniably bad, there is some goofy fun to be had. If you can accept that this film is not trying to be good and instead laugh at it for what it is then you will enjoy it a lot more.

Arnett seems desperate to be somewhere else for most of the film and it makes you think how did they even get him to sign on in the first place, the same can be said for most of the performers in this film.

Moreover, the CGI effects, especially the ones on the dogs when they are talking, are just awfully bad and show just how cheap the production value of this film clearly is; it looks like something out of the early 00, though that would probably be more convincing.

Overall, if you want to watch a bad movie then this will do, but if you want an actually enjoyable, well made film then stay far, far away from this film.

Pros.

It is hilariously bad

Cons.

Arnett is awful and Ludacris is not much better

The story is joyless

The jokes don’t work

It looks cheap

The film feels icky even with the abuse scene taken out

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Godmothered: Too Safe Even For Kids, Sickly

Godmothered is a family comedy film directed by Sharon Maguire. The plot sees trainee fairy godmother Eleanor (Jillian Bell), venture out in the mortal world to try and find a child that needs her and through whom she might restore a little faith in happily ever after thereby saving ‘The Motherland’. However, when she finds her new ward Mackenzie Walsh (Isla Fisher), she finds out that she is a bit older than she was expecting her to be.

This is off the same quality as Disney +’s other Christmas offering Noelle, which is to say it is poor quality, cheaply made, and overly safe. The latter of these three issue is proving to be a real issue with Disney +, I understand that as a streaming service they are targeting families but come on these are so market tested and safe that even a U (the lowest rating here in the UK), seems harsh. Furthermore, Bell’s comedic sensibilities feel restrained here, maybe it is because I am use to seeing her in more adult fare, but I did not find Bell’s character funny at all if anything I found her increasingly annoying over the course of the film.

Moreover, this film looks cheap, and considering the films budget that is very much the insult. A lot of the locations and things that happen in the film reflect this, the amount of magic, time in ‘The Motherland’ and CGI effects are all lowered and the amount of time we see with them just sat around in Mackenzie’s house or walking the street is upped. This is would expect from something that was a made for TV film, or maybe even direct to DVD, but not from Disney and thier premium steaming service.

Overall, it is more mass-produced slop being offered up by Disney to families to make a quick buck, there is no care or soul there and it shows.

Pros.

It is watchable

Cons.

Bell becomes annoying

The film looks cheap

It is confusing and poorly throughout

It is overly safe

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nanny McPhee: The Magic Of A Rushed Proposal And An Arranged Marriage

Nanny McPhee is a comedy, fantasy, family film directed by Christianna Brand. The plot sees the titular nanny (Emma Thompson), arrive to save a family on the brink of destruction. The father (Colin Firth), is about to lose everything his house, his pride, his kids that is of course if Nanny McPhee’s magic can’t just save the day.

I have to say upon rewatching these film recently something because very clear to me, with regard to this series, and that is when it comes to Nanny McPhee films less is more. The second film, The Big Bang, which I have recently reviewed benefits from being much more streamlined plot wise everything serves a purpose. In this film however, it seems to be a free for all of plot threads, with a romance plot there, an inheritance plot there and Nanny McPhee and her magic being crammed somewhere in there as well: it makes for a confused viewing experience.

Moreover, Colin Firth is not very good here. He is playing the dad who fails to control his kids and who is too proud to go after what or more adeptly who he wants to be with type of character; one that is no way original to this film. Maggie Gyllenhaal played a similar character, albeit without the unacted upon romance in the sequel, and I have to say she played it much better. You bought that she was struggling and desperate for help, Firth on the other hand doesn’t seem all that bothered, with the exception of when he chases after the carriage.

Overall, this might be one of the few cases where the sequel is better than the original.

Pros.

Thompson

It is watchable

Cons.

It is confused

The plots don’t come together well

Firth isn’t very good

It is less fun than the sequel

2/5

Reviewed by Luke

Bill: The Untold Story Of Shakespeare, When He Became A Spy

Bill is a historical comedy film directed by Richard Bracewell. The plot revolves around the early days of William Shakespeare (Matthew Baynton), as he tries to make it as a playwright. There is also a plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth 1^st (Helen McCrory), that Shakespeare gets wrapped up in and has to prevent.

The comedy here is a little more adult, than I would expect from the PG certificate. Right from the off I was surprised about the number of sex jokes in there, I don’t remember them being in Horrible Histories, that said I am not complaining about this fact I actually found it rather amusing and the film made me laugh several times.

The Horrible Histories trope are all put well to use here. Though I would say Martha Howe-Douglas was relegated to nothing more than the supporting wife role and I would have liked to see her have a larger and more important part, or really be able to take part in the fun assassination plotline.

Furthermore, though the film is fun, and a lot of that fun does originate from the narrative, it is definitely overstuffed. The film tries to do too many things, it tries to be a Shakespeare origin story of sorts, it tries to tell this international spy game intrigue plot line, and a few other odd twists and turns as well. Now I can’t fault there ambition with making the film so densely packed, but I can fault there execution as none of the elements came together in the way they should, and part of the film even felt a bit boring.

Pros.

It’s funny

It’s fun

The cast are great

Cons.

Howe-Douglas deserved more to do

There was far too much going in a narrative sense

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

House: Never Let Your Kid Go In A Swimming Pool, There Might Be Vietnam Demons In It

House is a horror comedy film directed by Steve Miner. The plot sees well known author Roger Cobb (William Catt), move back to the house where his son disappeared some years prior. Why he has gone back he can’t quite say, but as he sets about writing his latest novel he starts to notice odd occurrences and soon he is drawn in to a battle with the paranormal.

Prior to watching this I was not aware that it is a comedy horror film, I thought it was just a straight horror, and was surprised by the number of goofy jokes, family friendly nature of the demons and the musical asides. However, with the new knowledge I have it makes sense.

The demons look quite unlike anything you will ever see, they are 80s in a way that you have to see to believe. Though they look almost comical at times yet they still manage to have a degree of fright to them, you never want to turn your back.

I enjoyed the Vietnam twist and thought the idea of having a solider or someone suffering from PTSD being more open to experiences with the supernatural was an interesting concept. The Vietnam sequences were all done quite well, and the conversation around whether Roger was crazy or not was fun to think about.

The one negative I would say for this film is that it is not scary in any way, and that is not because it is family friendly horror Goosebumps the tv show, or Ghostbusters 2 had moments in that frightened me. The reason I find it not scary is because of how over the top and frankly campy it is, especially with the creature design.

Overall, a good starter horror film with a neat concept, but not scary in any way.

Pros.

It is funny

It has an interesting concept

Catt

Cons.

It is more funny than Scary

It has pacing issues galore

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang: The Nanny You Need Is Nanny McPhee

Nanny McPhee And The Big Bang is a family fantasy film directed by Susanna White. The plot sees Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson), return to help the Green Family, as matriarch Isabel (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is overwhelmed having to run the farm and run after her kids whilst her husband is away fighting in the war.

What a charming film this is. Whilst watching it I had a near permanent smile on my face. It is whimsically inventive fun and the fact it fully embraces its eccentricities is only a bonus in my book. Though the two are quite similar I found myself enjoying this film far more than the recent Mary Poppins film.

That was mainly due to the performance of Emma Thompson as the titular Nanny. Though the character seems tough and foreboding, Thompson puts such a warmth into the character that it is impossible not to love her by the end of the film. I also enjoyed the fact that the film did not go out of its way to explain who Nanny McPhee was, or how her magic work; it allows for imagination.

Moreover, and this may be the most key achievement of all the films victories, is that the children in this film are bearable. Usually, child actors ruin whatever film they are in, but here they are actually okay and because they aren’t so damn annoying you actually end up caring for them. A testament to the performances.

Overall, this is a delight for all the family.

Pros.

Thompson

Gyllenhaal

The children

Not explaining the powers

Maggie Smith

Cons.

The ending was a bit too overly sentimental

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nativity 3: Taking Christmas Away From Kids, The Further Rise Of The Sociopath Known As Mr. Poppy

Nativity 3 is a British Christmas comedy film directed by Debbie Isitt. The barely comprehensible plot follows Jeremey Shepard (Martin Clunes), an Ofsted inspector who comes to St Bernadette’s. Whilst there he is knocked unconscious by a donkey and loses all of his memory, they then go to New York for a flash mob competition, or something, and Jeremey is also getting married and can’t remember his bride that is also going on.

It is fair to say just from that brief description that this film is far too busy. Not only that, but it is trying to be and do so many different things at once whilst failing at all of them. None of it really makes any sense, and the flash mob storyline feels incredibly dated and more than a little cringe.

Clunes can’t hold a candle to Freeman and Tennent who came before him and passes through the film with as much enthusiasm as someone who has just found a new parking ticket on their car. Mr Poppy (Marc Wootton), the bane of the previous films and easily the worst part of the series is even worse here. We get that he is supposed to be a man-child, but here he is straight up malicious blatantly not caring for others as long as he gets his way.

Whilst watching this film I had one thought in my mind, ‘how long is left’, that says all you need to know.

Overall, give this a wide birth.

Pros.

It makes good background noise

Cons.

It is not funny

It is not charming

The story is incomprehensible and cringe

Mr Poppy might be my most loathed cinematic character

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Nutcracker And The Four Realms: Stay In The Uncanny Valley, Please

The Nutcracker And The Four Realms is a fantasy adventure film directed by Lasse Hallstrom and Joe Johnson. The plot sees troubled outsider Clara (Mackenzie Foy), venture into a strange world in search of a key to one of her late mother’s possessions.

This film is bizarre, it is like it too a good look at Alice In Wonderland and decided to copy it but make it even more convoluted and odd. There is an underlying sinisterness to this world and this film in generally that I can’t quite put my finger on, but there is definitely something off about it.

The CGI does not help the film at all, it ends up looking all a bit too obviously fake and the uncanniness of it all becomes jarring and off-putting the more you are exposed to it.

The only positive I have for the film is that its basic premise and world feel interesting, like there is a fascinating tale to tell there. However, the film as a whole fails to delivery on this and instead churns out yet another mindless, soulless, big-screen CGI fest. The acting is likewise as wooden, with several big-name actors clearly only here for the money.

The big third act twist where one of the key characters turns out to be evil is one of the most obvious reveals I have ever seen in all my years watching films, and I understand the audience for this would be mostly children but come on Disney have some respect for your audience. They are not all mindless and as the final numbers show they refuse to eat your off brand, out of date, cliché riddled, fantasy slop anymore. Do better!

Overall, though there is a sliver of promise here, it is quickly crushed under a mountain of awful CGI, pay check performances and disturbing feeling. Utter trash.

Pros.

There is some promise

It is watchable

Cons.

There is something wrong with it

The CGI is overused and off-putting

The performances are awful

The plot assumes that the audience are brain dead

The twist

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

Playing With Fire: John Cena Learns To Cry

Playing With Fire is a family comedy film directed by Andy Fickman. The plot sees a group of smoke dodgers look after three children for a few days and finding out that they are more work than they bargained for.

Will this film win awards? No it won’t. Will it be the best film you will see all year? No again. Will it make you smile? Yes, it will and is that not the most important thing?

I put this film on looking for some wholesome entertainment and I found just that. The comedy is quite good, there are a few laugh inducing moments throughout the film, but mainly you find yourself just smiling at the wholesome fun of it. For me, the slapstick comedy of the film, mainly done by John Cena (who is also the lead), did not really work. It felt juvenile and even then quite base, on the whole Keegan-Michael Key and John Leguizamo steal the show comedically.

The plot was nothing new, it was all fairly standard the twist about the kids is fairly obvious and the decision at the end is signposted from the start of the film, so neither feel surprising. If you are looking for a strong plot then this is not the film for you, it took things that you have seen before and did then again well enough to be entertaining.

I enjoyed the wholesomeness of this film and watching it defiantly improved my mood.

Overall, far from perfect, but it will entertain you and make you smile

Pros.

The comedy

The wholesomeness

The ending is sweet

Cons.

The plot is fairly been there done that and the plot twists and turns are obvious

The slapstick doesn’t work and feels too dumb

Cena is a weak lead

3/5

Reviewed by Luke