We Wish You A Married Christmas: Cute Alpacas To The Rescue

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A married couple check in to a B and B over the Christmas period in order to try and fix their marriage.

Really the main selling point for me of this film is the Alpacas, I really like Llamas and Alpacas and seeing one on the poster for this film is what made me want to check it out. For the most part the Alpacas aren’t really featured but when they are it is the best moments of the film.

Really everything else about this film is deeply generic and makes the film hard to watch. It is a slog to get through and the central couple have no chemistry at all and instead feel throughout the film, even in the end when they are supposed to be happy with each other again, as though they hate each other.

The pacing is also really incredibly bad, and the film feels like it is on for double or even triple its runtime.

Overall, some cute Alpacas aren’t enough to keep you watching throughout this film, as boring as it gets for bad Christmas films.

Pros.

The Alpacas

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is tedious to sit through

It is deeply generic

The romantic leads have no chemistry at all

If you enjoyed this review, then please head over to my Patreon to support me, I offer personalized shoutouts, the ability for you to pick what I review next and full access to my Patreon exclusive game reviews. Check it out!

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Christmas Under Wraps: Santa Claus Is Real

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A doctor, played by Candace Cameron Brue, moves to Alaska and wouldn’t you know it she falls in love with both small town life and with one of the local sons.

Again this is nothing new, you have seen this same movie reskinned time and time again especially if like me you enjoy watching bad Hallmark Christmas films. This goes beyond being simply formulaic and feels like instead there is a check list of things that need to be ticked off one by one, something mimicking whole moments from other films.

However, where this film shone for me was in the fact that the male lead’s father, played by Brian Doyle-Murray, was actually Father Christmas. Most of these films stick to a samey formula that always boils down to the same conclusion, however, I liked that this film got a little zany and went for something quite different.

The performances aren’t very good, with Brue being especially bad. Although, what do you expect from a Hallmark film.

Overall, I like that they went there with it, but otherwise it was a very by the numbers sort of project.

Pros.

The leap into fantasy

It is unintentionally funny

The pacing

Cons.

Brue doesn’t give a good performance and her character is hard to like

It is very samey and formulaic

The ending feels rushed

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Maple Valley Christmas: The Christmas Rom-Com Every Incel Needs

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The unlikely love story of a rancher and a property developer.

I think in many ways this is an incredibly cliched Christmas rom-com, it did nothing new, everything was incredibly predictable and the ending could have been seen coming from a mile away. It is by no means a good film.

What saves the film to a degree for me is the chemistry between female lead Peyton List and male lead Andrew K. Walker, both of them gave good performances, particularly List, and appeared as quite a genuine and believable couple on screen.

However, in the quality of their romance lies another problem of the film and that is some quite toxic elements. These can best be found in two scenes where Walker’s character uses straight up incel logic and negging to get List’s character to apologies to him and behave how he wants. These scenes are quite problematic and do take away from the enjoyment of the film quite a bit.

Overall, it has some good moments but the incel vibes drag it down.

Pros.

List

The romance

Cons.

The incel vibes

The pacing

It is incredibly generic

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Holiday Rush: Moving From A Mansion To A Large House, A Tale Of Poverty

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single father, played by Romany Malco, must get his family through a tough time in the lead up to Christmas as they go from haves to have nots.

A lot of these low budget Christmas films that I have been watching recently have mostly left me cold, but this one was slightly, and I do mean slightly, above the rest.

The main reason for this elevation is Malco as the leading man, not only do we root for him but we also really buy into his struggles. Part of the reason why Malco’s character in this film works is because he is so relatable and humble. He never comes off as smug or self-righteous as often many of the characters in these sorts of films do, but instead he feels like a family man who will do anything for his kids.

The plot has been done before and there are no new surprises or subversions thrown in, it very much is what you see is what you get. The ending is also exactly what you would think it would be and in that regard I am not complaining as I thought it was fairly fitting, but throughout the rest of the film it does become somewhat tediously obvious.

Overall, a slightly better than average low budget Christmas film.

Pros.

Malco

The ending

A few funny moments

Cons.

It is predictable

The child actors/ teen actors are awful

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Christmas In London: Small Town America Is Replaced With Quaint Small Town London

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Exactly what you would expect from a Hallmark film called Christmas In London.

Despite most of the cast being British themselves you wouldn’t know it with a collection of awful accents, and one good one. The only good accent in this film was Will Sharp doing an American accent, which to me sounded quite convincing though to an American ear may sound just as poor as a lot of the other actors trying to do various different British accents with no level of success.

I was rather unsurprised to find the usual collection of cliches and cultural stereotypes being put forward here, in many senses this film is ignorant about British people and British culture but I would expect nothing less from it.

The main pro I have for this film is that I found the central romance to be convincing which is high praise for these sort of films were very often the romance feels incredibly forced. I found myself rooting for the couple in the end, which again is more than I can say for a lot of other bad Christmas films.

Overall, not good by any means but certainly not the worst.

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a good central romance

The characters mostly come off as likeable

Cons.

The British stereotypes

The bad accents

The pacing

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

We Need A Little Christmas: Why Not Just Let A Stranger Into Your Lives?

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A recently widowed single mother, played by Erica Durance, struggles to connect with her son, however with the help of a friendly neighbour, played by Lynn Whitfield, she is able to get through to him and have an enjoyable Christmas.

Yes, I have started watching bad Hallmark Christmas films. Though Christmas is still a while off yet, it is never too early to inject a little Christmas joy into your viewing habits.

That aside this film was aggressively average, not only did nothing interesting happen throughout the entirety of the film, but also there were so many plot holes that I fell down one and have never gotten out of it. The main one that irks me is that even in small town America, where everyone is supposed to know each other and be friendly, I doubt that one would let a stranger so intimately into their lives so quickly, let alone their child’s life as well.

There is also some subtext in this film about single mothers being incapable that I didn’t like, you don’t have to scratch too far beneath the surface to see the traditional family values schtick which feels woefully out of date. Also there is a pro-military vibe that really comes out of nowhere and which makes this film feel quite conservative, which personally I am not about but that is a personal preference I suppose.

Overall, a decidedly meh Christmas film that falls apart the more you think about it.

Pros.

It is watchable

It is unintentionally hilarious

Cons.

The single mother bashing subtext

The strange pro-military aspects

The mountains of plot holes

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Family Stone: The Most Cringe Film Ever Made

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The very worst form of the meeting family for the first time plot.

This film was just awful, I know I complain a lot about films being cringe, but this film was so horribly, uncomfortably cringe in its character interactions that honestly I had to look away at times such was the awkwardness. I will stress to you that it was not good cringe, no, it was the very worst kind.

Moreover, this film has some deeply warped values as it portrays it to be perfectly normal for someone to be considering marrying someone else after knowing them for just one day, as well as saying it is fine to get bored of your current partner and then go out with their siblings whilst the two of you are still together. Not only does the film push this message it also acts like its normal, which last I checked isn’t the case.

In addition, most of the cast struggle to act and almost every single one of the interactions feels painful and stilted.

Overall, the only saving grace of this film was Luke Wilson and even he was wasted here.

Pros.

Wilson

Cons.

The cringe

Parker

The cast either can’t be bothered or are wasted

It has terrible morals

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Last Train To Christmas: Ruining An Interview By Urinating On The Tape Recorder

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Tony Towers, played by Michael Sheen, is a club owner on the verge of bankruptcy, however when he enters a train that allows him to travel to other decades of his life he tries to change things in order to be a success, however, as he does this he realises what really matters to him.

This was a powerful film; I know the above summary might make the plot sound a bit generic but trust me it really isn’t. As Tony begins to learn that his success comes at the cost of his brother’s, played by Cary Elwes, physical and mental health and then tries to save him it hits you like a ton of bricks. The bond between these two characters is incredibly strong and Sheen and Elwes play off each other really well over the course of the film.

I found the morality of the film and the impact of Tony’s choices to be fascinating and not go in a way that I was expecting. I thought the ending of the film felt incredibly well done and earned, the one thing that bothered me about it though was that the two didn’t talk, I felt like this was needed for us to know that Sheen’s Tony had been truly successful.

Overall, potentially a new Christmas classic.

Pros.

Elwes

Sheen

The emotion

The morality

Cons.

The ending

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

Christmas Eve: Never Get In A Lift Again

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A series of people get stuck in lifts, elevators for The American audience, and have reflective life experiences.

When one begins to dive into Christmas films they are met with one absolute truth, most of the genre is awful. For every Elf and Home Alone there are one million made for TV Christmas films which serve as nothing more than a resequencing of cliches and stale jokes. Though I can’t speak for whether this film was made for TV, as honestly I don’t know, I can say there is a clear reason why this film has a zero on Rotten Tomatoes.

All of the sentimentality in this film feels like it was constructed by a robot that is devoid of human emotion and that does not know how people interact, a lot of the character interactions in this film range from either comically evil and cold to downright predatory and creepy, it is not a likeable bunch yet the film still tries to force in sentiments to the contrary. Even in a Christmas film some people are still going to be trash.

This film trots out Patrick Stewart to try and prop it up, and try though he might, it just feels like he is playing a bargain bin version of his Scrooge character. Even he can’t save this film.

Overall, yet another bad Christmas film.

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The characters are creepy, cold and mostly awful

It has pacing issues

It can’t get the sentiment even remotely right

The ending

It wastes Stewart

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer

The Holiday: A Christmas Classic?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two women, played by Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, swap houses and in the process find love.

It goes without saying that this film is incredibly predictable in nearly everyway and is so chocked full of cliches that it is rare to see something other than them in the film, however that is not to say the film is bad. Certainly not. There is more than enough charm here to make up for the film’s misgiving.

I would say Diaz, Winslet and Jude Law, who plays Diaz’s characters love interest, are all well cast and fill out the rom-com architypes fairly well. Each is charming and Diaz and Law have good chemistry together, however Winslet and her pairing with Jack Black fairs worse. I really like Black and have since a young age I think the man can do no wrong a lot of the time, although here proves an exception to that. Firstly, the man has no business being a romantic male lead, he doesn’t fit the sensibility for it and as such his performance is far too big, and secondly though Winslet is really trying there is no chemistry between the two and that seems to be mainly Black’s fault as his performance is fairly wooden and could be played by anyone.

Overall, this rom-com is predictable but charming and could have scored higher if it was not for an incredibly miscast Jack Black.

Pros

Law, Diaz and Winslet

The charm

The ending

Cons.

It is predictable and cliched

Black

https://www.patreon.com/AnotherMillennialReviewer