The Acolyte Episode 8: The Novice Osha Kills Jedi Master Sol With Ease, Let That Sink In

Summary

We finally see the back of the worst show in Star Wars history.

Lets see what does this finale have to offer, well firstly it bastardises Darth Plaguise making him some random cave dwelling ghoul and also manages to force Yoda in at the end in one final lore break. It makes no sense as if Yoda had learned about all of this he would have behaved differently in the prequels.

Leslye Headland’s self-insert wife returns here and continues her struggle to act, she reveals that the wannabe Sith was actually her apprentice. A twist everyone saw coming. I think the issue with her character is just that the acting is so bad it is distracting. This is why you should only put your girlfriend in your films if she can act.

Osha, Amandla Stenberg, snapping and killing the Jedi when she has always been the good one of the twins makes very little sense as does her later decision to wipe Mae’s memory. It is one of those things that you can feel them doing to try and set up conflict for a second season, which thanks to poor viewing figures is never coming.

Overall, thank God it is over

0.5/5

Pros.

It is not offensive

Cons

It ruins Plaguise

It makes no sense

It is super obvious

Amandla can’t act

It continues to break the lore

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The Acolyte Episode 7: Saving Children From A Cult Somehow Makes You The Bad Guy

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

We finally get to see how the coven of witches died.

My apologies for the lateness of this review it took me a minute to mull over the maddening content that we were presented with in this episode.

I’ll open this by saying that this show thinks it has something deep to say about morality it does not. It thinks that by having a patriarchal group like the Jedi, if we just ignore Carrie Anne Moss’ character, smashing up a matriarchal coven that it says something interesting or new about gender politics, it doesn’t.

A lot of Acolyte stans coming out of this episode have said that the Jedi are evil, this is dumb and reductive. They have such a bias that oh this coven of darksiders cannot be evil because they are women and a minority, and Mae and Osha, Amandla Stenberg, is the main character and so her perspective has to be right. Mae started the fire that killed the coven when they were all passed out, the coven wanted to kill the Jedi the moment they arrived, the only member of the coven that the Jedi killed was using a dark side power and so was deemed a threat. Again the stans go see he’s evil she did nothing wrong, the analogy of the police shooting first as they think someone is going to pull a gun on them has been used repeatedly, whereas in reality he was just defending himself against a perceived threat as anyone would do. Moreover, he shows regret for his actions.

To me this episode was lazy as how much new footage did we really get? I’ll answer for you, not a lot. Most of it was repurposed from the previous episode that covered this moment. To me this just reeks of trying to save money in the budget, you could go oh well they showed a new perspective of the Jedi being bad, but did they? Again I would say the previous episode on this topic already implied that, but the audience is too simple to be able to handle that so they had to physically show it.

There are no mysteries in this show as you know where everything is going. Let me take a moment to predict the next episode for you, Mae and her Jedi chaperone will decide its time to go and save Osha, there it will be revealed that the Sith has her on the verge of turning but they will arrive just in time. The Jedi will die fighting the Sith and then Mae will try to kill the Sith to save her sister, as she does that it will be revealed he is not the master, and the horned witch, one of their mothers, will be the real master and then the three of them will have a heart to heart and realise it wasn’t her fault, the horned mother will let go of her anger and the mother and her daughters will walk off together into the sunset.

Finally, the idea that a Jedi cannot handle a 7 week placement on a planet and so goes mad out of a desire to go home is laughable in terms of character motivations, but at this point I expect nothing less

1/5

Pros.

Some very funny moments this week

Cons.

The character motivations

The logic

Trying to make a group of darksiders into misunderstood heroes

Mae was the one who really killed the coven

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A Quiet Place Day One: You Don’t Care How Many Humans Die Just As Long As The Cat Is Okay

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

We learn how the world went silent.

I don’t think there was a need for this film beyond corporate greed. What worked so well about the first film was the layers of mystery it had, we didn’t need to know how the world went silent and that is something this film cannot reckon with.

Moreover, where in the other two films the thrill of it was the hunt, will the monsters here them, will they catch them? Whereas here people are just being killed in seconds there is no build up anymore it is just happening and it is ultimately boring.

The characters of the film are some of the most poorly realised I have seen in a long while. Whereas the first film had the family that you cared about, this film has a dying woman, Lupita Nyong’o, her cat and a hysterical man, Joesph Quinn. Whilst Nyong’o is probably the best of the grouping she isn’t given much of anything to work with and her character is mainly just a person obsessed with their own morality which could have been made interesting but isn’t. Her quest to get some pizza in the hellscape is supposed to be charming and relatable but rather it is just irksome. Quinn’s character is much, and I mean much, worse he basically spends most of the film following around Nyong’o like some sort of creep, and then constantly cries and breakdowns because he doesn’t know what to do. The character is little more than hysterical crying. They try and give him a bravery arc but even by the end he is just the same.

The cat is wonderful and you care about it but that’s it on the likeable character front.

Overall, a needless sequel that is clearly the inferior for having lost the talent of the first two.

Pros.

The cat

Nyong’o is trying her best but they give her nothing

Cons.

It is boring

It is anti-climatic

It has serious pacing issues

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Furiosa: Summer 2024’s Most Obvious Flop

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

We return for a prequel almost a decade after the film it is proceeding.

Whilst I can see what WBD wanted to do here in keeping the Mad Max brand alive, this was not the way to go about it.

I think the biggest crime of this film was that it came out so long after it would have been relevant. The issue with long awaited sequels and prequels is that they have to do more to justify not just their existence but to explain why a contemporary audience should care. In my mind it is that failing which is why this film is so maligned.

In terms of the wider Hollywood culture this film is not a girl boss film, in fact it is quite the opposite. The character is not a Mary Sue as she has to go through quite the trial to get to where she is and has to be taught how to be badass rather than it just coming innately to her. I think Anya Taylor-Joy is an action star in the making as I did think she was very believable here and I would dare say that her version of Furiosa eclipsed that of Theron.

The story is good, if overly long, the idea of a war between the main factions of the wasteland is a good idea. I would say that they could have done more with it and shown a larger amount of the battles on screen but that was clearly not the story they wanted to tell.

Overall, I think it is a good film with a few issues namely relevancy and pacing.

3.5/5

Pros.

Taylor-Joy

The idea of a wasteland war is interesting

Some good set pieces

Engaging characters

Cons.

The pacing is brutal

It is not really relevant anymore

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Velma Season 2 Overview: Please God Let It Stay Dead

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Scooby Doo franchise is once again vandalised.

There is nothing that can be said about this show that hasn’t already been said. This show is the most clear cut example of a film or tv show that hates its IP, not only is this a self-insert for Mindy Kaling, the woman who joked about how she had forced a man to kiss her which is sexual harassment, but it just hates the Scooby Doo brand.

Velma, voiced by Kailing, could only be more annoying if she did everything in a high pitch squeaky voice, she is hateful towards men, towards women, toward anyone that is not like her. Honestly in real life she would be the villain, despite her saying on the show she’s so progressive she is actually really horrible and judgemental to everyone around her, the show thinks it can get around this by going oh but we acknowledge she’s a bad person so its fine. Nope having horrible unlikeable characters is all on the writers.

They pull out all the cards to make this edgy, with the sex and the violence but they need to realise the reason other adult animations can get away with that sort of thing is because people care about the characters, no one cares about Velma. I was honestly surprised there wasn’t a scene of Velma having sexual relations with the well-known great dane, but hey Warner Brothers Discovery said she can’t have the dog appear in the show. The fact I expected to see that shows you just how low and gutter trash this show is, it will do anything for a cheap shock laugh.

They also made Scrappy Doo the villain of the season, which because of how the show is made him the hero of the season instead, which is an odd feeling when it comes to Scrappy, but hey ho. Velma dies in the final battle so hopefully she and the series never come back.

Overall, just as bad as the first season but now a little bit extra stale.

0/5

Pros.

None, this was a few hours of my life I’ll never get back

Cons.

Kailing

It is not funny

It hates the IP

It is frequently gross for no rhyme or reason

Velma is an awful person

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The Acolyte Episode 6: Appealing To Less Than 30% Of Your Audience

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Remember folks the male gaze is wrong and to be called out yet a scene made for the female gaze is terrific and wonderful, a double standard everyone.

I apologise for having this review out a few days late, I have been away and so have been using my reserve for reviews, but fear not I have returned and now here is my thoughts on the latest episode.

You can tell this episode was co-written by Leslye Headland as it is one of the weakest of the whole season. Firstly you have the very obvious thirst scene designed to appeal to those less than 30 percent of female fans and small segment of the LGBTQ+ community, which again reflects my comment in the summary.

Secondly, you have the fact that the Jedi suspect Sol, Lee Jung-jae, as being the one behind the massacre which makes no sense, can they not sense things in the force, can some of them not read force echoes? Are you meaning to tell me that in the entire battlefield not a single item had a force echo attached to it which will show who the killer was. Once again we see the Jedi being portrayed as dullards. The whole point of this show seems to be to have the space cops, as the show wants you to think of them being the bad guys, the Jedi are incompetent they are evil and no doubt they just killed all the space witches for the hell of it. The social commentary is so thick that it blocks out all light or sense of sanity a viewer might have.

Thirdly a perhaps most cynically of all you have the helmet moment and the reference to Darth Vader. Now I have seen some people try to excuse this by saying its foreshadowing, foreshadowing what exactly how one of the twins becomes Darth Vader? No, nor is it foreshadowing how that twin will fall to the dark side as they will both be grey Jedis at the end of the show. They can’t be Sith as to have a non-white person as a villain would be incredibly problematic in this day and age, and they won’t be full Jedis as that would make them space police and you can’t have that either as everyone is supposed to hate the police now. So grey jedis or morally ambiguous force users they will be. The reference to Vader is simply more desperate pandering to try and hit you with the member berries in order to care more

Overall, boring, dumb, creepy and cheap.

0.5/5

Pros.

At least it’s almost over

Cons.

The thirst scene and the female gaze, the hypocrisy and the creepiness of it

The Darth Vader moment

The Jedi are bad okay

It is just not Star Wars

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The Watchers: Nepobaby The Movie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

M.Night’s nepobaby tries to make a film like her dad.

Dakota Fanning has a lot of bad luck picking projects. It is a shame for her as she deserved better than this.

The film has a group of people get lost in a wood and then they have to perform every night for the watchers, shapeshifting creatures trying to mimic humans, they have to escape and one of them follows the gang back to civilisation. That’s the whole plot summed up for you in two and a bit lines, the film goes on and on about its lore as though it is the most interesting thing in the world, it seems to think it is incredibly deep when it actual fact you can see the bottom.

The twist is that it is not Fanning’s character that is the watcher but rather the old woman who has been menacing but is supposedly a goody. Again this twist is so obvious that M. Night would have laughed and thrown it in the fire and questioned whether what he had for dinner that night was throwing him off. Here however, it is treated as though it is clever. It is not.

Moreover, the villainous fairies from Irish myth have been cropping up a lot recently in horror and as such I didn’t find them all that scary as it was just the same thing again. They are freaky to look at in their watching mode, but other than that there is nothing really scary about this film either.

Overall, M. Night should give his daughter some lessons and help her learn how to make a good twist.

2/5

Pros.

The watchers are freaky to look at when not human

It has a good atmosphere, that it does nothing with

Cons.

The twist is terrible

It is not deep

It isn’t scary

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Hearts Of Stone: Gal Gadot Is An Action Star

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Gal Gadot continues to be the best female action hero.

So a lot of people will dislike this film, because a lot of people dislike folks from Israel right now, antisemitism is rampant, but if you can put down your flags and your angry banners for a minute, then you’ll see this was actually a Netflix gem that far too many people slept on.

The plot is standard action fare, nothing much new, but Gadot approaches it with such charm and charisma that you remember why Wonder Woman worked so well. It is incredibly hard not to warm to her and root for her, moreover, unlike other wannabe action stars, looking at you Millie Bobby Brown, Gadot has the moves and the physicality to be able to pull off the fight scenes and make it look real.

I think that for an action film the pace was quite good, we didn’t waste time with too much exposition, we just got straight into it which was positive. From there we got some action, which I’d say it was a good, pretty great by Netflix standard, and then we were out. It made other Netflix action fare like Atlas look like sluggish messes.

Overall, Gal Gadot will always be an action hero.

3.5/5

Pros.

Gadot

The pace

The action

The charm

Cons.

The plot is dumb

The wider cast are mostly wasted

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Lord Of The Rings The Two Towers Extended Edition: An Old Man Gets Beat Up By A Tree

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Ents march and war comes to Helm’s Deep.

Personally, I found this to be the weakest of the trilogy, still damn good when compared to a lot of the trash Hollywood dolls out but it had more issues than either of the other films.

For me these issues are best described as pacing related. There are vast sections of the film that I find just go on for far too long, such as but not limited to the whole sequence before the Ents march, the many romances of Aragorn, Viggo Mortensen, and a lot of the early Rohirrim stuff was also incredibly slow. I admit I was watching the extended edition so maybe it wasn’t so bad in the normal edition.

Also one small nitpick before we get into the positives, I am also not a big fan of Gollum, Andy Serkis, and think that the franchise as a whole overuses him and as such seeing his much bigger presence here made me like the film a little bit less.

However, that aside I thought this film did a lot to expand the world in interesting and new ways, Treebeard and the Ents are a particular favourite of mine, when they actually march. I also thought that this film made Gandalf far more important and that really helps him to shine, quite literally as a character. When he returns that is a powerful scene but so is the scene in the halls of the Rohirrim, it really shows him off.

The battle at Helm’s Deep is strong, possibly the strongest of the series, though I think the battle that results in the death of the Witch King is perhaps ultimately just a bit better. I thought the action felt very real and visceral though I must say the scene with the skateboard was a bit cringe.

Overall, a decent follow up to fellowship, with some good battles, however, it is slowed down by some padding and bad pacing issues.

4/5

Pros.

It is epic

It builds the world well

The action

A lot of good Gandalf

Cons.

Too much Gollum

The pacing issues

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The Acolyte Episode 5: It Would Have Been Better If The Sith Had Killed Every Character

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A lot of characters die, the show wants you to care but frankly you’re happy to see them go.

So this was the big action episode with all the fights and the lightsabers that had been teased for a long time. If you are the kind of person who just seeing some lightsabers is enough to make you happy, then good news you’ll love this episode, however if you require more substance than I can safely say you will be disappointed. The action choreography was weak, they have clearly taken influence from martial arts films and what not and that is fine but some of the actors they have trying to pull off these moves look like there is no way in hell they actually could. The action is pretty fake looking at times too, it looks like something you might see on a better than average Youtube channel that recreates movie fights, not the sort of thing you expect for a show with 180 million dollar budget.

Moreover, as I said in the summary a bunch of characters die, and you either feel indifference or kind of want them to. The show and its terrible writing has done such a bad job of making you care about any of the Jedi, even at sometimes making you hate them for how not like Jedi they are, that when they die it has the wrong emotional effect. I also thought it was cringe as hell that it was only the Padawan that gave the Sith a fight, as the rest of the Jedi’s were easily chopped down and they were experienced Knights, but because the Padawan is a know it all girl boss, played by Dafne Keen, she could go toe to toe with the Sith fighter. It is silly and stupid and the perfect reflection of modern Star Wars

Oh the twist, the dude from The Good Place is the Sith, yes that’s right folks the most obvious and laziest choice is the correct one. Everyone guessed from the minute he showed up that he was and as the show has gone on people were like it can’t possibly be him that would be too obvious and yet the show gave you just that. The issue is people don’t seem to understand just how poor the writing actually is so of course they can’t misdirect you or give you a good twist it is far too hard for them.

Moreover, Mae, Amandla Stenberg, continues to be the most schizophrenic character in Star Wars history flipping between emotions every few seconds. In the flashbacks she cares about her sister, then she wants to kill her, she is on her mission to kill all the jedi, then suddenly gets bored and stops, she wants to escape and live with her sister then knocks her out and leaves her with a Sith who likes killing Jedis. This is not good writing, it is as though they cannot decide on how they want the character to be so they keep having her do different things that are entirely at odds with each other it is hard to follow. Moreover, the fact they had to strip the sister down so Mae could switch clothes with her feels like some odd pervy fan service, though there is no nudity you know that scene will feature heavily in deviant art for years to come.

Overall, though this episode is more interesting that last weeks I would say the baffling character decisions and the stupid writing makes it worse.

0.5/5

Pros.

The new Sith could be interesting

Cons.

Mae and her mood swings

The terrible writing

The reveal is obvious

You don’t care about any of the deaths

Girl boss X-23

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