Bride Hard: Stop Trying To Make Rebel Wilson A Thing

Amy Schumer better watch out Rebel Wilson is trying to steal her spot as the number one for slop on Netflix aimed at women.

This time Ozempic Wilson, as we will call her for the rest of the review, is a secret agent who has brought a group of civilians with her unknowingly in order to steal a bio weapon, whilst also being the maid of honour at a bachelorette party. Cut to painful cringe comedy.

The idea that Ozempic can take down a group of guys is just laughable, and not in a good way, the fact she does it all with a face straight out of the Alaqua Cox school of acting makes it funnier. Perhaps this is the death throws of the girlboss genre, they say as a genre dies it begins to parody itself and this certainly feels like that.

The thing is this sort of film was once funny, but that isn’t the case now, now you get a few unbelievable action scenes, a few sassy yaaaaaaaaaas queens from the friends, then cut to credits.

Overall, this is low rent female slop from Netflix, as it thinks this is what women want. However, much like Mel Gibson in a much better film from decades prior they don’t really know what women want.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It isn’t funny

Rebel Wilson should go away

It is slop

It is repetitive

The action is awful

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Regretting You: A Forgettable Rom-Com

Summary

A pair of deaths exposes a decades kept secret and love finds a way through grief.

Honestly this film is watchable but it would be hard to say it was anything more.

Josh Boone really has just been making one kind of film for a while now, outside of The New Mutants, this is exactly what you would expect it to be.

The love story for the two adult leads, is horribly depressing, revolving around the idea of settling and being with someone you don’t want to be with for decades, and only being able to move on after death, as divorce is a sin [Sarcasm]. There are scenes in this film wherein the leads basically say they didn’t really want to be with who they were with originally and it makes you want to scream well then why did you stay?

As for the teen romance story, Mckenna Grace, plays quite a bratty character that acts for half the film like a small kid who is obsessed with her father and unable to read very obvious social cues, and then half the film like a boy crazed teenager who wants to get her leg over, as it were. It is a real mess of characterisation, built around the idea that basically everyone knows that the father and aunt, who die at the start of the film, but the mother forbids her almost adult age daughter from being told, for reasons, and that causes all the drama.

Overall, read this review of the film and save your money you already know everything that happens now.

2/5

Pros.

It is unintentionally funny

It is short

Cons.

It is predictable

It wastes Clancy Brown

It has a weird message

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The Sound Of Music: The Best Musical?

Summary

The hills are alive.

I am not a huge musical person I like Sweeny Todd and the Greatest Showman and a lot of the rest such as Grease leave me cold. However, I have to say after years of having only watched parts of this film, that I actually really enjoyed it.

Sure would I have liked more time focusing on the rise of the Nazis and the family having to flee instead of a needless love triangle, of course, but for what it is there is a lot of fun to be had. The songs are all catchy and instantly memorable, I am sure you already know a lot of them, and as such it is hard not to sing along here.

Julie Andrews is infectiously positive herein, and her heroine is nigh on impossible not to root for. She really does inject heart and soul to this film and truly sinks into the character, Maria feels not like some cartoonishly positive person that could only exist in media but like a real person who simply sees the best in the world and wants to help people.

This film is the sort of film one needs to reaffirm their sense of hope every once in a while. It is the very definition of comfort viewing and one that you simply must try if you have not already seen it.

Overall, a wonderful bit of escapist fun.

4.5/5

Pros.

It is fun

The songs are great

It is well paced

Julie Andrews

Cons.

I would have liked more focus to be placed on the rising Nazi threat

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The Roses: The Left Wing Answer To The Rom-Com

Summary

The fetishisation of toxic relationships.

Fear not lonely blue haired middle aged cat lady the evil sexist rom-coms have finally be countered by this anti rom-com. This film has two unlikable people who don’t work together and don’t really like each other forced into a marriage and then end up trying to kill each other, see it is not your fault you’re staring down middle aged and have never been kissed, love isn’t real.

We have one character played by Olivia Coleman, who is appearing more and more the rabid antisemite by the minute, who plays a bumbling sort of mumsy character who gets some fame and is then keen to leave her family behind, despite then screaming at her husband for the rest of the film that he stole them from her. As personal accountability is outside of Coleman’s skill set seemingly both personally and professionally. We also have Benedict Cumberbatch playing a weak willed, alcoholic husband, who is constantly feeling sorry for himself and asking for forgiveness. The film details the breakdown of their relationship getting to the point wherein Coleman’s character tries to kill Cumberbatch’s with a gun only to them have them kiss and makeup.

It glorifies the toxic relationship at nearly every turn.

Oh and it features Kate McKinnon as a sexual predator who behaves inappropriately towards both the lead characters, but it is okay because it is a woman, that’s Hollywood’s morality.

1/5

Pros

Andy Samberg has a funny few lines

Cons.

It is not funny for the most part

Both the leads are incredibly unlikable

It is badly paced

It has a depressing ending

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Bridget Jones Mad About The Boy: Later In Life Dating

Summary

Bridget Jones, Renee Zellweger, is back.

I think this is probably the film of the year so far. In many ways this is a near perfect film, the only thing that I didn’t like was the creepy sort of age play relationship sub plot- I didn’t like it as it felt icky plus you can guarantee that if such a storyline was done with a man and a younger women these days people would be up in arms.

That aside I thought this film was just the right amount of old notes brought back to play homage to previous film and also new ideas. It was fun to see the family dynamic of seeing Bridget with kids, it was nice to see the dysfunctional single mother be played without the judgement, she cared about her kids deeply and was there for them whilst also having her own thing. Take note Hollywood that is how single mothers should be.

I thought how they handled the passing of Colin Firth’s character was both beautiful and sad, there was a real melancholy there, but the film handled it in a mature and grown up way. I think the final time we see the ghost of Firth’s character at the school play is a fantastic moment and one in which it is hard not to shed a tear.

Overall, a wonderful send off for the franchise.

4.5/5

Pros.

It is sweet

It gives the characters a good send off

It merges the old and the new well

It is well paced

It is funny

Cons.

The icky relationship

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Our Little Secret: Hide The Snow Lindsey Lohan Is Around

Summary

The woman who tried to abduct a Syrian child back in 2018 is back, look it up, as Lindsey Lohan continues her ill-fated string of Netflix Christmas releases.

This time around it follows a couple who broke up as one of them simply couldn’t move to London for a bit, and now they are with new people, and yet they run into each other at Christmas party and realise they are dating siblings in the same family. Hijinks ensue.

A lot of people have made fun of this film for the fact that everyone in it looks like they have been covered in fake tan in much the same way people used to get slimed at the Kids Choice Awards. However, the real issue is that Netflix was so cheap they used Lohan and Ian Harding, the film’s male lead, to play younger versions of themselves rather than hire younger actors and its horribly jarring.

The film lacks the charm of a Princess Switch and instead feels incredibly tame, even by Hallmark standards this film would be looked at as incredibly safe. The central romance feels off as well, chiefly the main thought I had during this film is that Lohan should just retire and enjoy her life like Cameron Diaz, what she is doing isn’t acting it is just her playing a safer and more Christian version of her character from the Parent Trap aged up.

Overall, Netflix has embarrassed themselves again.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is so bad it is funny at times

It is inoffensive

Cons.

It is slow

It is boring

The romance doesn’t work

Lindsey Lohan is miscast

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It Ends With Us: Turning Domestic Abuse Into A Rom-Com

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Blake Lively stars in a romance film about domestic abuse.

I had heard all about the drama surrounding this film going into it and thought to myself what matters most is how they handle it. However, after watching this film I have questions as to why Lively and some of the behind the scenes creatives wanted to keep the romance elements in the film.

Considering Lively says she wanted this film to be a rallying call for victims of domestic abuse and show a survivors story, the film barely touches on the domestic abuse and even at the climax only has it as a big dramatic fight/breakup. I just think it is odd that they try and romanticize the relationship in the early stages when ultimately this is a story about domestic abuse, it should play more as a tragedy and not a romantic film.

Moreover, the characters are all deeply unlikeable, there is no one here really to like or warm to, Lively’s character is yet another ‘fleabag’ type woman who only wants casual sex and doesn’t want a relationship. Remember men who use women for sex are creeps and misogynists and so it should be equally as condemnable when women do it. She is the character you are supposed to warm to as well as obviously the guy is the baddie.

Don’t even get me started on the fact they play for a love triangle. Honestly if Lively and co wanted this to be a rom-com why not take out the domestic abuse stuff, why base it on a book about domestic abuse, it is such an odd call to try and turn this into an erotic thriller and then go this is for you abuse survivors.

Overall, I don’t see the appeal in this.

1/5

Pros.

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

It shouldn’t be romantic

Lively isn’t likeable

It has pacing issues

It feels like it’s the wrong genre

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Irish Wish: Lohan’s Wish Should Have Been To Redo Her Career

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Lindsay Lohan plays a book editor who travels to Ireland and hangs out with a Saint, yes this is what Netflix has come to.

I enjoy a so bad it’s good Hallmark, or Hallmark like romcom film just as much as the next person, but I have to say, and maybe it’s the quarter Irish blood in me, that this film is offensively bad. It is not 0/5 bad as there was still some jokes to be had at the films expense, but it is fairly egregious. The main reason for this being but the film is given the Emily in Paris treatment, all of the Irish characters are reduced to stereotypes and cheap caricatures, and of course the isle has to be magical because why leave cliches behind. The only way this film could have been more stereotypical would have been if she had her wish granted by a Leprechaun rather than a Saint.

However, the worst crime this film commits is that it’s boring, there were multiple moments where I considered turning off and I watch a lot of these sort of films every year especially around Christmas so I’m used to it. The issue here being that you just don’t care about a lot of the characters, such as they have a long series of side cutaways about Lohan’s characters mother, played by Jane Seymour, that just go nowhere she doesn’t even turn up in Ireland. It is due to how dull and undeveloped these characters are that the dull scenes feel even duller.

Overall, a Netflix rom-com that whilst has a number of so bad it is good laughs also suffers from some incredibly bad pacing and being boring.

2/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad

Lohan tries her best

Cons.

Pacing

It is boring at times

It is deeply offensive to the Irish

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Fly Me To The Moon: Hallmark In Cinemas

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A retelling of the moon landing.

So this rom-com goes quite the way you would expect it to, a couple, Scarlet Johansson and Channing Tatum, fall in love whilst working at Nasa during the moon landing. It is a sweet film and it does have some good moments of sentimentality, however, I have to say I never really bought the relationship between the two leads, the chemistry wasn’t there as it might have been in something like Anyone But You.

Johansson is surely a forced to be reckoned with here, and has a lot of good moments, yet Tatum is not given anything to elevate him. The material is very hokey and almost Hallmark esque in how earnest his character is, he is a small town, veteran, who cares about his job and about Jesus. Nothing wrong with that but it is quite stereotypical.

There is also a certain level of my old pet peeve, yes you guessed it American exceptionalism. With the film having a steady drum beat of USA USA every few minutes, which is fine is that is what you are into but for me it was a little clawing. Maybe if I was American I’d like that sort of uber patriotism more.

There are some good laughs here particularly the stuff with the cat and Tatum’s overreaction to it. Moreover, Woody Harrelson’s government spook is a great villain and has some terrific moments, particularly him singing Fly Me To The Moon at the end of the film that is his finest hour.

Overall, it does what you would expect it to, nothing more nothing less.

3/5

Pros.

Johannsen

Harrelson

A few laughs

Cons.

The chemistry could have been stronger

The uber patriotism

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Love Lies Bleeding: Thelma And Louise Did It Better

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Kind of like Thelma And Louise.

So this film was not going to be for everyone, that was kind of the point. However, I like crime films so I thought I would give it a try, even if the trailers left me cold. This was a mistake.

So the film wasn’t terrible and does have good stakes and a mostly compelling story, but I think that in many senses this film tries too hard to be different and in doing that isn’t really what anyone wants it to be. Mainly this is evidenced as the film has shifts in tone, one minute they’ll be something very intense going on and then a few minutes later it’ll be something more trippy and light hearted, or as light-hearted as you can get in a crime film. My point is that the film does not have one consistent tone throughout, which as everyone knows is a detriment to any film.

Another thing that will be off putting to potential viewers is that this film is smug and seems to think that it is deeper and more ground breaking than it actually is. In my opinion the reason the film suffers from this is because we mythologise directors particularly when they come from the indie circuit, look at the hype an Eggers or Aster could get for a project, as such and after the massive amount of praise and in a sense fandom Rose Glass got after Saint Maud there was no way she was not going into this with a high ego. Hence, she has bought her own hype thinking this film is some important trend-setting thing when as I said above Thelma and Louise kind of already did a lot of this stuff a long time ago.

Finally I didn’t buy the chemistry between the leads. I thought both did a fine job as there characters, however, I didn’t believe they were a couple or had feelings for each other or really anything like that. What makes this so much worse is the fact that it is a big part of the films narrative and it is important to the film working as a whole.

Overall, a film that suffers from a lack of charm, tonal consistency and an overinflated sense of self. Though to some this may become a cult classic.

Pros.

It has an interesting premise

The style of the film works well

Cons.

The central romantic pairing doesn’t feel believable

It has a smugness to it

The tone is a mess

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