Nosferatu: Lily-Rose Depp Is Even Worse Here Than In The Idol

Robert Eggers is back with his most vapid film yet.

So I am a huge fan of Robert Eggers in my mind he’s 2 for 3, The Lighthouse being the odd one out for me. However, in his forth entry we see him move away from his art house roots and move closer to the mainstream than he ever has before, much to his and the film’s detriment. This film could have felt deeper and as though it had more to say if it had used more of Egger’s art house flourishes, what this film reeks of to me is of a man wanting to make a commercially, as in main stream approved film, as such his usual motifs and themes have to be dumbed down. I wouldn’t be surprised if after The Northman flopped Eggers felt he needed to make a commercially successful film in order to prove he was more than just an art house director.

The film itself is a pretty close version of the Dracula story/ or here Nosferatu, there are some changes to the original German silent film, quite noticeably in the villains appearance. If you have seen either the original German film or other versions of Dracula you know where this is heading. I found the fact that they stuck with the original film’s ending but changed it to rather than just drain her of blood here he did that whilst also having sex with her to be an odd choice, but hey they did it to get the punters in as they felt the need to try and sell this as some sort of erotic horror film. Alas anything to sell tickets.

Finally we move to the biggest issue with the film Lily-Rose Depp. So I have seen her in quite a number of films now Yoga Hosers, Wolf, a forgotten science fiction film, and now this and honestly she gave her best performance in Yoga Hosers. At least there she shows a variety of emotions here she has one face for the entire film, distant and robotic. Her husband who she thought dead isn’t, distant and robotic, she is having relations with a vampire, distant and robotic, she is trying to convey the threat posed, can you guess what I am going to say. Honestly, there are scenes in this film where she is rolling around and having fits, but also maybe possibly orgasming at the same time, its an odd film, and it shouldn’t be but is massively comical. Mainly this is due to Depp’s poor acting, increasingly it seems that she is becoming the actress that will take her kit off and that has a lot of sex on screen but that won’t make up for a lack of talent. Anya Taylor-Joy in this would have done a much better job.

Overall, a massive misstep.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good cinematography

I liked the old timey dialogue

The rats were a nice touch

Cons.

Depp

It is a familiar story

It wastes time

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Monster House: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

Summary

A possessed house is eating people.

So this is a classic of yesteryear often appearing on a lot of most underrated animated films lists. For me growing up this was a regular staple, I watched this film a lot, and watching it now I still think it holds up.

Whilst the animation is quite ugly it never strays too far into the uncanny valley, so unlike something like the Jim Carry Christmas Carol you are never left feeling disconcerted. I would also argue that despite this animation issue the film manages to be quite deep and effecting.

The love story at the heart of the film, I won’t spoil anything, is well done and quite a novel take on that sort of storyline. It helps you to empathise with the house and to feel a lot of emotion at the end of the film. I wouldn’t say it is an emotional gut punch in the way some animated films are, but I would say there is more than enough to get you a little misty eyed.

Overall, an animated classic that you really should check out if you haven’t already.

3.5/5

Pros.

It has a beautiful love story

It is well written

It has engaging characters

The ending is bittersweet

Cons.

The animation is a little rough

The sidekick kid can be annoying

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The Heretic: Soft and Bumbling Until He Locks You In A Cage

Summary

Hugh Grant is a religious fanatic.

I don’t believe this film would be even half what it is without Hugh Grant. His performance is pitch perfect, he goes from silly to downright sinister in seconds and the flip is chilling. Even when he is being evil he is still incredibly charming and has his little mannerisms that make it a bit hammy and over the top in the best way. If you are familiar with Grant’s filmography you’ll know what I mean.

As for the film itself I hesitate to call it a horror film, it really isn’t , despite how it might have been marketed it is a thriller film. In terms of thrillers it is not something that you haven’t seen before, it has a lot of very familiar elements in it, it is just with Grant’s performance you cannot really notice it.

I would argue that this film is Sophie Thatcher’s first real misstep in terms of her early career, as she is totally outshone here by Chloe East who gives the much wider and more likeable performance. Thatcher’s character never really demonstrates a wide range of emotions whereas East has to act a lot of different emotions at once sometimes.

Overall, definitely one to check out for Grant alone, however, don’t go in expecting too much originality.

3/5

Pros.

Grant

East

It is watchable

Cons.

It is not very scary

It has been done before

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Rare Exports: Refining The Santa Trade

Summary

A Finnish youngster, Onni Tommila, and his father, Jorma Tommila, find wild Santa Clauses and elves after a glacier is drilled and decide to make some money.

So despite the outlandishness of that premise this film is not a comedy, not really, it is more so an action horror film with a silliness to it. I found the film to have a number of scary moments, and I would say the action was strong in the last third of the film, hence I am happy to call it an action horror film. The jokes were few and far between so I wouldn’t say to watch this if you are looking for a laugh.

I found it interesting to see a Christmas film from outside the Anglosphere and to see how they approach it, I am relatively new to Finnish cinema but I must say that they have a way with vistas, between this and the other Finnish film I have seen of Sisu I have to say the Finnish really have an eye for cinematography.

I found the idea of evil Father Christmas/Elves to be refreshingly different and not go in the way I was expecting it too, so that’s a plus as well.

Overall, an interesting and fresh film, with some slight pacing issues.

4/5

Pros.

It is fresh

It has some good scares

The action is also good

The ending sets up interesting prospects for the future

Cons.

Pacing issues

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The Life And Many Deaths Of Christopher Lee: A Tribute To An Icon

Summary

A film about the life and times of a British cinema legend Christopher Lee.

So I have been having some what of a Christopher Lee kick recently as you might have been able to tell if you keep up with my reviews and as such when I saw this film existed I knew I needed to watch it.

I fully believe that this film can make anyone into a fan of Lee, not only is it informative but also funny and very personable. Whether it is finding out that Lee fronted a metal band later in life, or his exasperation at being called a horror icon by a BBC journalist and the following strop, it is impossible to end the film not liking him.

The documentary also has insight from some key industry figures particularly if you like horror, Joe Dante and John Landis both give insights into a man they knew well, as well as his family. I think your enjoyment of this film will be enhanced if you are a fan of Lee or horror generally, but I would argue you could still enjoy it regardless.

I would argue that they could have got a talking head from his later career maybe someone from his Burton or Star Wars era, but they did counter this by getting Peter Jackson to talk about his role in the Lord of the Rings.

Overall, a wonderful loving film about an icon of Cinema.’

4.5/5

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Hellboy The Crooked Man: Rivaling del Toro

Summary

Hellboy, Jack Kesy, is back.

Despite this film coming and going and getting zero fanfare at all I actually rather enjoyed it. This film set itself apart from previous iterations of Hellboy in two key ways, firstly rather than being a fantasy action film this was straight horror, and secondly rather than focusing on Hellboy’s destiny as the right hand of doom it instead focused on his mother. Both of these things helped the film to feel fresh.

In terms of horror, this film’s low-fi feel add it to the horror by making it feel more gritty and real, the practical effects work also went a long way to giving the film an atmosphere and a more realistic edge. The film’s villain I would say is the most effective of all of the iterations and has some genuinely creepy moments.

My one complaint of the film would be that it felt like a sequel, by that I mean the film assumed a certain level of knowledge around Hellboy’s origins and back story, and starts you off in the middle of an adventure. Personally, I think for people unfamiliar with the character this could be quite confusing.

Overall, a novel new direction.

4/5

Pros.

The horror

The practical effects

The tone

It feels like a Hellboy adventure ripped straight out of the comic

Cons.

It is not very accessible for new watchers

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The Front Room: I Made A Mess

Summary

A woman, Brandy, and her mother in law, Kathryn Hunter, don’t get on and it’s a horror film for some reason.

So going into this I didn’t know who Brandy was, I haven’t see I Know What You Did Last Summer in a few years, and so I looked her up and I saw that she was a singer and so going into the film that was my impression. As such I thought that she would be a bad actor, and of course she was and it was only later when I read more I realised that she is supposed to be an actor to, much to my surprise.

Furthermore, I question what the horror was here, as there doesn’t seem to be any. The mother is adversarial but she is never out and out evil, out side of that there is nothing. There is never a threat that the mother will kill the lead, so therein lies a problem. If the horror is supposed to come from the fact the mother is racist, then it doesn’t work as outside of California folks don’t have a fit to that, they see it and don’t like it but just accept that some people are old/stuck in their ways/ trash and know that having a cry and a fit about it won’t make them stop being that way.

Overall, other than a few unintentionally funny scenes there isn’t all that much here.

1.5/5

Pros

The M.E.S.S thing is funny

It is watchable

Cons.

It is not scary

The acting is bad

The commentary is on the nose

It has pacing issues

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Smile Two: Nothing To Smile About

Summary

The smiling demon is back again.

Honestly I was fairly lukewarm on the first film in this series as it was plain to see just how derivative of It Follows it was, however, I did think it had some redeeming moments. This one does not.

For a start you have a main character, Naomi Scott, who is so unlikeable you are rooting for the monster throughout, which is not what the film wants. The reason why she is so unlikable is because she is so whiny and self-involved, she is constantly the victim whilst whining and being a diva.

Follow this up with a film that is just manically depressing, not scary, which a lot of modern horror films seem to get muddled up. The film is just oh these terrible people do bad things and then go insane and pass it on, it just feels grim and dark. There is no levity or even camp to it.

The ending I think is the worst part of the whole film. So from the moment they announced that the new lead character was going to be a singer the ending was obvious. The singer would end the film killing themselves in front of thousands of people passing on the demonic virus at a massive scale, creating pandemonium. I was right.

Overall, there is nothing new, novel or even remotely scary about this film, scratch that there is a scare here, that it will likely get a sequel.

1/5

Pros

The songs were catchy

Cons.

It isn’t scary

The woman is unlikable

It is too long

It has a predictable ending

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Velma: Mindy Kaling’s Career Just Won’t Die

Summary

Velma, voiced by Mindy Kailing, cannot do us all a favour and die and so has to come back as a snarky and thoroughly unlikeable ghost.

Bitter is the word I would use to describe this special, bitter was a word that encapsulated the whole of Velma’s run. Now I know that it was possible but unlikely that win they filmed this they knew it had been cancelled, but it feels as though this special is aware of its cancellation and wants to get in as many jabs as it can in order to settle scores.

We get a repeat of all of Kailing’s classic lines, such as how she fetishes white guys whilst also having all her characters be super liberal and hate them. She is quirky and insecure yet demands to be the centre of attention all the time. Finally who could forget making the whole affair as sordid and needlessly unpleasant just for the hell of it. It was always clear that Kailing and co had no respect for the source material when they made this show but once again we get that point hammered home for us.

Does this special serve as a fitting end for the series? No, ultimately it chooses to go out flipping everyone, audience included, off one last time rather than trying to set out any meaningful closure for the characters or hint at somethings yet to come.

Overall, this special was just as hateful as you would expect. All I can say is at least it is over now

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It shouldn’t exist

It is hateful

It doesn’t offer an ending or any kind of closure

It is obnoxious

It is unfunny

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Curse of the Crimson Alter

Summary

An antiques dealer, Mark Eden, goes off in search of his missing brother only to become wrapped up in a Lovecraftian horror.

This is perhaps an underrated Christopher Lee caper, and you can see why. Whilst it has some charm with its Lovecraftian horror it feels perhaps the most dated of Lee’s output that I have recently seen. By that I mean the first scene of the film with the creature looks awful, the costume and the lighting both contribute to this. I know that these films were made on a shoe string budget but even still it looks bad.

The plot is also a little thin on the ground as it has the effect of feeling like it is simply a lot of things happening without much rhyme or reason to connect them or make them make sense. Again I gave it some leniency due to the type of film it is, but come the end credits I would be hard pressed not to mention the fact it doesn’t make any coherent sense.

Overall, the sort of budget period horror film that only the most die hard fan could enjoy

2/5

Pros.

Some fun moments

It tries to be different and edgy

Cons.

The horror doesn’t work

It doesn’t make a lot of sense

It is silly when it should be creepy

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