Salem’s Lot Original Version: Public Sex By A Lakeside Is All The Rage

The residents of Salem’s Lot find out that the trouble of being from a small town is all the damn vampires.

So this is an odd one in terms of my reviews, technically it was a TV series, but I saw it as one long film at a re-release, so it is both a TV review and also a film review.

This is a much better adaptation than the more recent Salem’s Lot film chiefly as it actually gives the characters time to become established before it starts killing them off. The greater effort in character work makes the deaths more impactful and makes the wider project more engaging.

As someone who has read the book and watched now both this and the newer version I can say that this has a worse ending than the film from last year, probably the only way in which that film is better. In last year’s effort the hero and his sidekick drive off into the sunset, possibly to fight more vampires, whereas here we get a whole extra ten to fifteen minutes showing them doing it. Whilst the vampire fighting may sound cool it really isn’t and ends up becoming tedious during this section.

In terms of vampire horror this is basically just Dracula in small town America, and if that is your thing then you’ll enjoy this for sure.

Overall, a good vampire film but nothing that will set the world on fire.

3/5

Pros.

It has a good atmosphere

It builds up the characters well

Some good vampire moments

Cons.

The ending

The pacing is quite slow at times

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Blood On Satan’s Claw: Seventies Era Teenage Nudity

Summary

The Devil comes to the south of England.

In many ways this and many films like it are a forgotten art form, the focus on folk traditions and atmosphere over jump scares and wild moments, is something few filmmakers do anymore.

I would argue therein lies this film’s greatest strength, its sense of time, place and environment. It feels like a very specific world, and one in which you become fully invested and sink into. The horror builds slowly over time and escalates more and more until it hits a crescendo.

Whilst I appreciated some aspects of this crescendo, such as the practical costume design of the Devil/Demon, I thought others came off as a little needless. I am talking about the rape scene, which is long and drawn out, as well as the copious amounts of nudity in the film, which feels done to get teens on-board rather than for story based reasons, such as in the Wicker Man.

Overall, an interesting film that cuts its own character, but one which may also make some people feel uncomfortable.

3.5/5

Pros.

The setting

The atmosphere

The very British sensibility to it

The creature design

Cons.

There are a few script issues and things that don’t make sense

The rape scene is uncomfortable

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Creepshow Two: Second Time Is The Charm

Summary

Creepshow returns in a fat cut off kind of way.

So herein we go down from five tales to three and things are all the better for it.

The first tale, which is woefully politically incorrect by today’s standards, is a fun romp with a Native American flavour, it is fun seeing the Chief cutting down all the people who wronged his adoptive family using Native American weapons and tactics. It makes one think why haven’t we seen more films about Native American society or the fight back against the Europeans, that could be interesting ground to explore and lead to some good epic action films.

The second tale is the weak one as is often the case in a horror anthology with three parts, it focuses on a group of young people who get trapped on a raft by some goo that is intent on killing them all. Not only is the premise incredibly flimsy, you also have the fact that one of the lead characters casually assaults one of his female raft mates in her sleep, and before this he was presented as a hero. This move comes incredibly out of left field and is jarring.

The final tale about a mysterious hitch-hiker that stalks the woman who killed him is entertaining and has a nice creepy vibe to it that ends the collection off on a high note. Couple this with a fun animated wrap around story that ends also on a high note and you have a sequel that in many ways surpasses the original.

Overall, a better film than the first.

4/5

Pros.

It has two strong stories

The aesthetic remains strong

It has some good chills

It is funny at times, on purpose

Cons.

The second story is not good and the sexual assault scene feels poorly conceived

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The Long Walk: Stephen King Slop

Summary

A group of boys go for a walk.

So the easiest way to describe this is to call it Stephen King slop. In that frame I mean if this film was not based on a short story by King it would not have been made, it is very forgettable and there is nothing novel about the premise.

Basically it is a forced march, people die if they stop walking. It is a comment on dystopia’s and authoritarian states, I must say I am thankful that I have not seen lots and lots of online comments going oh this is modern day America, however, it seems very likely that the people who made it wanted those sort of comments.

The characters each have one defining characteristic to them and they are not much beyond that, all very one dimensional. Moreover, there are lots of things that happen that you just have to turn your brain off to and ignore as if you thought about it too much your brain would explode as they make no sense. The fact that the kid that wins the overall walk doesn’t sleep and doesn’t need to due to the fact that he has had a tough life and is an orphan is one such thing you will notice over the course of the film.

Overall, deep unneeded.

1.5/5

Pros.

A few funny moments, unintentional.

It is short

Cons.

It is dull

The characters are one dimensional

You have seen things like this before

The ending is predictable

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Clown In A Cornfield: Clowns Are So Overused

Summary

A group of clowns is terrorising small town America.

I had been meaning to watch this for some time, but I hadn’t gotten around to it until recently, and as I have I found myself quickly becoming disenchanted with it. For a start it presents itself as a horror comedy film, yet it does not really stand up slasher cliches rather it just replicates them.

The clown twist is perhaps the only novel thing about the film, although we have seen it in other films before, just not really in slasher cinema. Once the clowns take over mid-way through the film things start to get more interesting and become more crazy. The teen angst of the first act really slows things down.

The film ends with a decided meh, and that is how I would describe the whole effort really, an effort in meh. It fails in its attempts to be either scary or funny and doesn’t make fun of sub-genre tropes or try and do anything really knew with them.

Overall, it is a streaming film through and through and one that should never have been released in cinemas.

1.5/5

Pros.

A few good kills

It is short

Cons.

The teen angst

The ending

The pacing

Some of the other twists

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A Haunting In Connecticut, Ghosts Of Georgia: A Waste Of Katee Sackhoff’s Time

Summary

A family living in Georgia experiences a haunting in Connecticut.

There is something very noughties about this film, the editing style and the shifts between black and white and colour is quite jarring. Stylistically it feels almost out of place with the decade this film released in, and the effect has a repetitive quality to it.

The lead is terrible, it is hard to say if it is her or if it is the writing, it has her lay in a night gown on her side in a filled bath to show that she is troubled, but it is safe to say that she has taken a class in the Alaqua Cox school of acting as her expression does not really change at all during the film. It is a shame that this film wastes Katee Sackhoff as the secondary female lead she would have been much better in the main role, she easily outshines Abigail Spencer as every turn.

The horror and mystery of the film is very much been there done that, it focuses on a creepy old man ghost hanging out with and bothering a little girl, seen it before, and has the ghosts of this former stop on the underground railroad be central to the horror. It is very early jump scare sort of techniques as they are all very predictable.

Overall, other than Sackhoff there is very little about this film to make it recommendable.

2/5

Pros.

Sackhoff

A few unintentionally funny moments

Cons.

The horror is very predictable

It feels generic

The black and white to colour shift is jarring

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The Lord Of Misrule: Posh Lady Vs The Folk Devil

Summary

A posh English Vicar, Tuppence Middleton, runs afoul of an ancient God.

There is a good sense of place here, and a certain folk tradition, however, as the film progresses you start to realise you have seen this before. The good and fresh ideas that this film presents in the first act that then get turned into repetitive slop in the end.

The mythology of the film’s antagonist is interesting but never fully explained, which feels like a missed opportunity. Ralph Ineson is as always great, however, his character makes little sense, as the opening frames his character in the procession to see off the beast and having lost a son to it, yet then being the evil cult leader servicing the beast in the end.

Whilst I appreciate what this film was trying to do in terms of aesthetics and an adherence to British folk tradition, it was just creatively hallow.

Overall, good ideas wasted with generic storylines.

2/5

Pros.

The ideas

The setting and the feel of it

Cons.

The ending

Making Ineson the villain again

You feel like you have seen it before

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The Toxic Avenger: Dinklage Says Little People Can’t Play Dwarfs But They Can Play Monsters.

Summary

Peter Dinklage doesn’t like little people playing dwarfs in fantasy films but he is fine with them being shown as mutant freaks. The many contradictions of a man who’s career ceased to exist with Game Of Thrones.

There is so much wrong with this film it is hard to know where to start. Firstly, it feels like it was written by current day James Gunn, and that is not a compliment. In that I mean that it feels like it was written by a teen boy, with all the juvenile humour that entails but also one that was off the current masculinity, who wants his male characters in skirts. There are multiple scenes of characters getting their genitals punched through or torn off, because that’s funny right, and then the character will likely make some kind of off colour joke to try and make it even more funny, but none of this works. The film wants you so desperately to think it is funny and cool, but it is neither. It is try hard.

There is a scene in the film wherein Dinklage’s Toxic Avenger saves a group of people who are at a restaurant taking hostages and why are they doing it because they are angry about DEI. That is how basic and simplistic this film views the world, oh do you not like wearing nail polish and skirts, do you have an issue when meritocracy isn’t employed then you’re some cartoonishly evil and stupid antagonist that deserves to die.

Overall, this film shows that Hollywood hates vast parts of the audience.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

Dinklage is awful

It is cringe

It is hateful

It is gross out for the sake of it

It feels like it was written by current day James Gunn

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The Ritual: The Devil Is The Girl Boss

Summary

Dan Stevens and Al Pacino need some quick cash.

So what was this film? The possession sub-genre frankly put is used up, there is not a lot of new ideas there and by and large it is like the later stages of the slasher sub-genre, before it was reinvented with Scream, and this may be the sub-genre at its most generic.

You have Dan Stevens as a priest who doesn’t seem to understand how exorcism works despite being involved in it, and who has clear sexual tension with a nun which is addressed but not in a satisfying way. Worse yet there is a scene wherein Patricia Heaton who plays a Mother Superior talks down to Steven’s priest and says she is done being told what to do by men who aren’t even half as holy as her. This scene was the moment I knew the film was getting a low score. This is the catholic church in the 1920s, attitudes like that exclaimed by Heaton’s character would be enough to have them thrown out of the Church. The idea that in period a Mother Superior would have dared speak to a priest like that is laughable.

Another weird thing about the film is the way it is edited, there are scenes that feel as though the camera work and editing is trying to ape something like The Office rather than be appropriate for a horror film.

Overall, this is one of the lowest points yet for the possession sub-genre.

1/5

Pros.

Pacino is laughably bad.

Cons.

Stevens is phoning it in

The girl power nun

The editing

The fact that it doesn’t have an original bone in its body

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Screamboat: Mickey Mouse As He Really Is

Summary

Mickey Mouse behaves as we all know he does behind closed doors.

Honestly, I can sum up whether you will like this film in one sentence did you like Terrrifer and do you find Art’s antics funny or not? If the answer is yes to both then you will like this film. It tells the tale of a group of people taking the Staten Island Ferry who run into Mickey Mouse and who then picks them off.

This is one of those public domain films, but I would say it has more charm than something like a Blood and Honey, there is more of a sense of whimsy here. I also thought all of the references and inferences to Walt Disney were quite clever.

The kills were good but weren’t to the same level of gore as in Terrifer, they again were played more for laughs than for chills, and it delivered in much the same way as the campier later entries in most slasher franchises of old did.

The ending that has the lead dress up like Minnie Mouse to try and seduce Mickey was something I never thought I would see in my life but here we are.

Overall, if you are a fan of Terrifer and of gore than you will likely like this.

3/5

Pros.

The kills

The backstory and the references to Walt

It is funny

Cons.

It can be repetitive

The acting is truly awful

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