DC League Of Super-Pets: The Horniest Turtle You Will Ever Meet

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Krypto, voiced by Dwayne Johnson and a rag tag group of other pets must come together to save the Justice League after they are bested by Lex Luthor’s Guinea Pig, voiced by Kate McKinnon.

I think this film is very watchable and has a lot of good elements within it, do I think this film is going to set the world on fire? No, obviously not, but I think there are worse ways to spend a few hours.

With the exception of one character that I will get to later, most of the characters are fairly one note of forgettable, and their respective voice actors don’t do all that much to liven up proceedings. Natasha Lyonne does her best as a horny turtle and lands a few laughs but even she can’t save this film on a performance front. Hell even Keanu Reeves himself, the man who can single-handedly save any movie, as Batman isn’t enough. Those are words I never thought I would have to write.

The one exception to this however is Kevin Hart as Ace. The leader of the stray pack and a dog who was chucked out of his home after saving a little girl from falling down the stairs has a massive amount of depth and heart put into his character and Hart really delivers on a warm and tender yet also funny vocal performance. I think truly that this is Kevin Hart’s film and that he outshines all of his co-stars and forms a soon to be beloved animated character.

I also enjoyed all the reference in this film to other films such as the throwaway Warriors bit. Though most audiences of this film won’t have watched that, I found it to be funny. Moreover, on the whole I found myself laughing quite a few times during this film and do think the humour works quite well.

Overall, a watchable and somewhat entertaining animated film with one really strong character, sadly the rest of the characters aren’t quite on the mark.

Pros.

Hart

It is funny

The references

The ending

Cons.

The voice cast is mostly wasted

It has pacing issues

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Big Trouble In Little China: Kurt Russell Takes On Asian Stereotypes

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Kurt Russell fights Chinese demons and some of the worst special effects of his career.

I know this film is a beloved classic to some, and I wanted to like it to, but I just didn’t really gel with it.

The satire becomes so try hardy and desperate as the film progresses that it almost feels like it is reaching out and tapping the audiences saying, ‘remember this trope from action movies, we are twisting it aren’t we clever’, constantly looking for validation. I didn’t find it particularly funny either.

The special effects are dicey at best, why Carpenter thought using so many of them especially when they look so bad was a good idea is beyond me. Moreover, a lot of the depictions of magical Chinese or Asian people in this film feels like it was out of date at the time, which is what I suppose the film is mocking, but still it feels troubling to watch.

In addition, I didn’t find Kurt Russell particularly likeable here, I understand what the filmmakers were going for with his character but more often than not he just comes across as kind of an arse and it makes him hard to root for. James Hong on the other hand is great here, he is clearly having a lot of fun and when the film lets him go fully wild he embraces it to the Nth degree.

Overall, a flawed Carpenter film that doesn’t live up to his other greats.

Pros.

Hong

It is unintentionally funny quite a lot

It is watchable

Cons.

Russell

The racial undertones

The special effects

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Caught In The Act: Paint Drying Is More Interesting

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Three city dwelling women head to the countryside to housesit for a friend, whilst there they all decide to take part in a variety show.

This feels like, in every respect, a relic. From the outset I struggled to believe that this film came out in the nineties, it feels older than that. I don’t inherently mean that as a mark against the film, instead I mean that to a modern audience with a modern sensibility this film will seem deeply strange. Perhaps I am showing my age.

Moreover, the banal nature of the story almost purposefully goes out of its way to be uninteresting, as it meanders at such a slow pace that you lose all sense of time and space whilst watching it and slip into a dark abyss.

The performances are fine, nothing really to write home about. The issue on this side of things is that all of the characters struggle to be likeable and as such you can’t really care about their experiences during the film or to latch onto them, as such the boredom is amplified.

Overall, boring in the extreme.

Pros.

It makes watching paint dry seem interesting

Cons.

It is incredibly boring

It feels like an antique, not in a good way

The characters aren’t particularly likeable

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Sideworld,Terrors Of The Sea: What Waits For Us At The Bottom Of The Ocean

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

This film explores the dark and sinister side to our oceans.

I have long thought that there is something quite gothic and mysterious about the sea and I know I am not alone in that belief. I often say to people how crazy it is that we have barely scratched the surface with ocean exploration and cannot fully comprehend what may be waiting for us at the very bottom of the sea, in the areas where there is no light.

In that vein this film really captures in essence the foreboding nature of the sea, coming off often as more curious and mysterious than outrightly scary. I think it is in that regard that this Sideworld film differs from the last, it is less scary. I don’t know if this is by design, but certainly I found this to be different in tone and intent than the last film.

In terms of the sea stories, it was a good smattering of different things from ghost ships to sea monsters. None of it will be things you have never heard before, but thanks to the narrators fantastic delivery it still manages to feel captivating and intriguing until the final frame. I think the sea monster section was probably my favourite.

Overall, if spooks and creepy stories to listen to as the nights slowly darken again are your kind of thing then you will be doing yourself a disservice not to check this out.

Pros.

It truly captures the mystery of the sea

It is intriguing

It has a good mixture of tales

The sound work is incredibly strong and really does both set the sense and create a fantastic atmosphere.

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Ava: A Movie We Have All Seen About 5 Times Before

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Jessica Chastain plays yet another cold emotionless spy, but this time she is a girl boss. Oh we have seen this before from Chastain and just like her ill-fated venture with Simon Kinberg this too is a mess.

The clear feminist girl power vibes here couldn’t be any more striking it they reached through the screen and physically hit you in the face, there is nothing wrong with that but I do wish that this film and Chastain’s other feminist themed action films at least had something interesting and new to say.

Moreover, though no one can doubt that Chastain has action hero prowess, her performance here and in her other action roles feels just a little bit too try hardy and as though she is trying to prove something. We all know her credentials so she needs to have more of that laidback self-assured confidence that a lot of other action hero actors bring to their roles.

The plot is fairly uninspired, you have seen it before and the twists and turns are incredibly obvious from the outset. Chastain does a little to elevate the incredibly trite material but even then it can’t be saved, which is a shame as a lot of talented actors had their times wasted making this.

Overall, flawed and not really salvageable.

Pros.

Chastain is trying

A few well done action sequences

Cons.

Chastain is trying too hard

It has nothing new to say from a feminist/ gender studies perspective

It is bored and played out from the beginning

The pacing is awful

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The Moviegoer: A Youth Spent At The Cinema

5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

One man’s personal cinema coming of age story reminds us all why we care about this medium so much.

They say catching lightning in a bottle is hard to do once let alone twice, well folks I would dare say Ross Munro has pulled off this very feat.

There is something so intimate and personal about the directors love affair with cinema, but also one that can reflect any of our own experiences. Though we lived and grew up in different times and places I could find a lot of my own journey into cinema reflected within the context of this film.

Moreover, I believe that truly good filmmaking is a personal and authentic affair, far from the trendy politics of contemporary Hollywood, and stuffed with the biggest stars there just to have their name sell tickets. In my mind a solid piece of filmmaking reflects one’s passion and their love for the craft and this film has that in spades.

Whether it is the main narrative itself or one of the many asides, including a fake trailer, this film is a lot of fun to watch and frequently has you laughing as it serves up in-jokes that only those who spent their youths in cinemas could ever understand. I appreciate the films scope and everything it tried to do, it has instantly become one of my best of the year.

Overall, a deeply personal connection between you, the filmmakers and the cinematic medium. Every cinema fan will love this film.

Pros.

It is sweet

It strikes a very personal connection

It is ambitious

It is funny

It gets the pacing just right

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Not Okay: The Whiny Angsty Side Of Gen Z

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman’s dream of being internet famous leads to her faking being a terror attack survivor.

My, my this film is whiney and self-involved, it tries to tackle these deep issues but comes across as shallow as can be, it spends minimal time considering the lead’s, played by Zoey Deutch, mental state and instead tries to hype up the spectacle of the who thing. Trying to humanise influencers, or in this case wannabe influencers, never really works out because often times it white washes the more undesirable narcissistic elements that come along with these sorts of personalities.

I think the romance subplot again feels soap opera deep at best, and mostly wastes the talents of Dylan O’Brien. In many ways the Gen Z internet teens will latch onto this as some sort of anthem or their shared online experience in their efforts to be famous and to have their lives suddenly gain meaning by having others online gratify their existence. However, rather than having anything new or salient to say it is just more of the same platitudes that we have seen time and again before.

For what it is worth Deutch is trying her best to keep things going and to anchor this film with a good performance and whilst I don’t think her performance is terrific by any means there is enough to it to highlight Deutch’s talents in a positive way.

Overall, a puddle that thinks it is an ocean.

Pros.

Deutch

It is laughably bad at times

Cons.

The message

It is vapid

It is far too simplistic

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Fifty Shades Of Grey: Porn For Old Ladies

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The film that made middle aged ladies everywhere quiver.

Let’s get this out of the way straight off the bat, the way this film portrays relationships is deeply unhealthy and the message it prompts that this is a good relationship that the characters actively enjoy speaks to the wider toxicity of the film. No young woman should become essentially a slave to her boyfriend, it is wrong.

When this film came out a lot of people spoke about it as though it was the most titillating thing to ever exist, however, in reality having watched it for the first time recently years after it came out I find the film incredibly tame. Moreover, it goes without saying that if you are going to the cinema to get your giddy thrills whilst watching this film, there is a much easier and more effective way that you can do just from the comfort of your own home for free. This film feels far too clinical and scripted to every approach anything that could even be confused with sexy.

I think the biggest issue here is that the performances from both James Doran and Dakota Johnson are just so wooden and stiff that the film is essentially doomed from the outset. As this is a ‘romance film’, the strength of the feature lives or dies on the chemistry of the leads and in this case it dies, painfully.

Overall, I don’t see why this film was popular nor do I understand why it had sequels

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

Cons.

The message is toxic

It is not hot in any way

It is deeply cringe

The leads have no chemistry

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Joyride: Olivia Colman Massively Misjudged This One, The Height Of Toxicity

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman, played by Olivia Colman, who plans to give up her baby is kidnapped by a young runaway and apparently the whole ordeal forces her to change her mind.

This film is fairly toxic, the script clearly intends to heavily sink into issues surrounding motherhood and to ponder the nuances of it, however, instead that is not how it comes across in practice. The message this film has about motherhood in that the only reason Colman’s character wanted to give up her child was because she was having cold feet feels sexist. In truth if this film had been directed by a man this toxic simplification, coupled with the belief this film has that the woman who is giving up her baby should be kidnapped and have her mind changed over the course of a road trip, would have been labelled widely problematic and it would never have seen the light of day.

Moreover, though I like Olivia Colman as an actor and have followed her ever since the way back time of her Peep Show days, I think she needs to find a new schtick. Playing cold unnatural mothers becomes repetitive after you have done it several films on the trot and though some warmth does manage to find its way through here really it is just more of the same. I think unless Colman radically plays something different for her next role she is very much in danger of entering Jack Black, Michael Caine territory.

Overall, a misguided film that thinks it has far more to say then it actually does.

Pros.

It is fairly short

Cons.

The message of the film

It’s simplistic characterisation

Colman

The ending

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Spiderhead: Chris Hemsworth Might Be The Next Anthony Hopkins

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Prisoners in a luxury prison are used as guineapigs for mind-altering pharmaceuticals.

It has been a long, long time since a Netflix original film has managed to impress me, however, this film managed to buck that trend.

I thought though the premise has been explored before, I enjoyed where this film took it. The twists and turns keep you guessing and it didn’t end up going in the way I was expecting it to. I thought Chris Hemsworth was a completely inspired villain, Hemsworth needs to take more of these sort of roles, he was not downright sinister but rather slightly unsettling and I thought he was very effective in the role.

Miles Teller on the other hand was a fairly forgettable lead and he wasn’t really able to blow me away in any significant way. Many other actors could have had that role and would probably have been better able to do more with it then what Teller can muster up. Comparing Hemsworth to Teller, really highlights the flaws in Teller’s performance.

Overall, a fun film with a good performance from Hemsworth.

Pros.

Hemsworth

The premise

The twists and turns

The ending

Cons

Teller

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