Creed III: Why Talk About Your Issues When You Can Be Violent Instead?

Summary

Adonis, played by Michael B. Jordan, has to beat up someone from his past.

I will lay this out right here at the start of the review, I am not a fan of boxing movies and the Creed films have always just to me felt incredibly repetitive. I watched this as I had heard good things, but it ended up being the same old structure rehashed. A new threat emerges, it is established as legitimate, they best or beat the hero in some way, then the hero beats them. It is tiresome and repetitive.

I thought the film really had something when it was discussing and Adonis and Damian, played by Jonathan Majors, were physically abused as kids. This would have allowed the film to talk about deeper themes that can’t just be solved by random violence, but guess what it all just devolves into a punchout. Adonis beat up the abuser when they were kids causing Damian to pull a gun to defend his friend and go to prison, now he’s out and angry and the only way to settle old trauma is with a fight. It is boring.

Despite him now being somewhat problematic Jonathan Majors is the best part about this film and acts circles around Jordan at every turn. I also thought that Tessa Thompson did a really good supporting turn here, and her emotions when Adonis’ mum dies feel very genuine.

Overall, yet another needless sequel that tells the same story we have seen done time and again.

2/5

Pros.

Thompson and Majors

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

Jordan lacks any range

The story is repetitive

It is afraid of any kind of deeper conversation about violence

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Mummies: The Fight Back Against The British Museum

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A trio of mummies travel from their land of the dead into the human world.

It was nice to see an animated film that was a, not from Disney and b, didn’t feel incredibly American. It was nice that this film had more of a British feel to it, certainly it added a certain sense of charm that no doubt boosted my likelihood of enjoying the film.

I think Joe Thomas did a really good job of anchoring the film and was easily the best voice actor of the bunch, outside of Sean Bean as one could never surpass him. For the most part the voice cast was used well, it was strange that the female lead had a different voice for talking and singing and wider still that they used a white voice actor for the talking voice and an African American R and B artist for the singing voice, it feels problematic.

The songs for the most part aren’t good and feel like they were just added into boost the runtime of the film, which is very short even with them, the only one that was good, in my subjective opinion, was the final rendition of Walk Like An Egyptian.

Overall, a fine Easter holiday distraction for kids, with enough British charm to keep everyone interested.

3/5

Pros.

Thomas and Bean

It is funny

It certainly has British charm

Cons.

It is a noticeable different when the film swaps between the female leads talking voice and singing voice

The story feels very familiar

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Furies: Taking Back The Night In Saigon

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An abused young woman, played by Dong Anh Quynh, joins up with a female outfit dedicated to violently taking down the male dominated criminal underworld of Saigon.

In many senses I was expecting more from this film. I can’t speak to the film that this serves as a prequel to as I haven’t seen it, this was my first entry to the franchise. From the trailer I watched prior to viewing I was expecting beautifully choreographed brutal fight scenes, ala The Raid, but this was a million miles away from that. What surprised me the most in this regard is just how bloodless this film is, like you see people getting shot and stabbed but in terms of genre standards you don’t see much blood. Moreover, the action itself isn’t all that brutal as shots aren’t lingered on to their full effect, there are a lot of quick cuts to give off the illusion of rapid movement, but this isn’t in the films benefit.

Furthermore, the narrative of women getting their own back on evil men is nothing new. In a sense this film feels very similar to the rape revenge sub-genre but with a more action leaning. What’s more, there aren’t really any twists and turns to keep you guessing either, from a narrative lens everything is incredibly obvious and you are never in a position to be surprised. Even when you get the twist at the end you have already seen it coming.

Overall, a subpar action film that doesn’t deliver the goods.

2/5

Pros.

An introduction to Vietnamese cinema

A killer soundtrack

Cons.

The action is bloodless and often cut away from

The story is very pedestrian and familiar

It has pacing issues

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The Boston Strangler: Boston Has Never Looked So Washed Out And Grey

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The story of the Boston Strangler is rebirthed yet again to fit within the modern fad of true crime.

This film is serviceable, that is probably as much of a pro as I am going to give it. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with it, but if you view this alongside films like From Hell or Fincher’s Zodiac then you will see where it falls down.

Keira Knightley does all she can to save this film and her American accent is a thing to behold all its own, but it simply isn’t enough. The film takes what could be quite an interesting true crime story and drags it out and pads it until it is boring and you have long since stopped caring.

The film tries to address the sexism of the period, which we would all just assume is rampant anyway, but again doesn’t go anywhere with it beyond the standard, it was bad back then narrative. Although you can understand why the film does it, the more time it takes out to show us the homelife of Knightley’s character the more you tune out as people are hear for the grizzly crimes and the murder investigation not to learn more about Knightley’s characters strained relationship with her mother.

Overall, a crime thriller without any real bite. Bland at best.

2.5/5

Pros.

Knightley is trying her best

It has some good chills

When it is showing the actual investigation it is interesting

Cons.

Too much filler and padding

Brutal pacing issues

A wasted supporting cast

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Champions: Anyone Can Be A Hero

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Woody Harrelson plays a basketball coach who after getting into a drunk driving accident has to coach an intellectually disabled basketball team.

This film has its heart in the right place. Though some have said that it comes across as patronising towards intellectually disabled people or the issues they face, I found that despite its sometimes questionable messaging that this film was at its heart an uplifting film. Not only that but it goes out of its way to spread inclusivity and the message that anyone can be a champion and that people are so, so much more than how others classify them.

Moreover, I think Harrelson is just curmudgeonly enough to pull this role off. Though I think that the sudden change from this character being a self-interested narcissist to learning to love second place and to be happy with what he has was incredibly rushed. I think his performance commands real emotion and that he has great chemistry with his on-screen love interest played by Katlin Olsen.

The plot is incredibly cliched and generic and all the hallmarks of classic feel good sports films make an appearance, so much so that you could turn it into a bingo game fairly easily if you wanted to.

Overall, a happy uplifting film that doesn’t always land its’ the message.

3/5

Pros.

Harrelson

Olsen

It is uplifting and restores your faith in humanity

Cons.

It is incredibly cliched

It can come off as patronising at times

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Kill Her Goats: Softcore Porn Posing As A Slasher Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A trio of girls spend almost all the run time posing nude in front of the mirror or taking showers and then at the very end a goat slasher guy shows up to kill them.

Though that summary is a slight hyperbole it is pretty much true. This film is soft core porn, which hey no judgement if that is what you want to watch it for, but in terms of it being a horror film it really isn’t one. For me I found this film to be an act in awkwardness and uncomfortability, I found it to be fairly tasteless and felt a little seedy after watching it all the way through.

The actual slasher segments, which makes up hardly any of the films runtime are fine they are perfectly serviceable and much of what you would expect. Some of the kills do feel a little fetishised, which again added to the ick factor for me, and what I mean by that is that the camera will zoom in on the woman’s boobs as she gets run through or something like that. This film it is pretty clear only has one focus.

The only thing I can give this film props for is that they named the town after the late great Wes Craven which I thought was a nice touch.

Overall, you’ll need a shower after watching it.

1/5

Pros.

The Wes Craven thing

Cons.

It is pervy

It fetishises the kills in an uncomfortable way

The story is largely nonexistent

It makes the slasher sub-genre look bad

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Marlowe: Neeson Appears In The Golden Age Of Hollywood, The Every-man As Ever

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Liam Neeson does his best Humphrey Bogart impression

I feel that as a long time Neeson fan I will be kinder to this film than a lot of people but even for me it never really gets beyond passively watchable. It is fine.

The truth of the matter is you have seen this film countless times before and there is nothing new or exciting being put forward here for you to be interested in. The mystery is entirely predictable and goes on exactly as you would expect. Moreover, something I thought was odd was the fairly light and fluffy tone this film has when compared to other Neo-Noir film, and yes some dark things do happen but by and large this film is almost goofy, having Neeson able to knock people out in one punch.

The films cast is impressive, there are a number of well-known faces who come to call. However, none of them are really given enough to do to elevate them beyond a glorified cameo, but hey everybody has to eat and they probably just came along for the paycheck.

Overall, you will get something out of this if like me generic Liam Neeson action films are comfort viewing and you can almost always get some kind of corny enjoyment out of. However, if you want a serious Neo-Noir film that is good in its own right then look elsewhere.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a goofy charm

Neeson is always excellent

Cons.

It is generic

It is incredibly predictable

It wastes its supporting cast

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The Donor Party: How Many Different Bathrooms And Bedrooms Can One House Have?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A woman’s, played by Malin Akerman quest to have a baby makes for one hell of an awkward party.

The morality of this film is quite questionable. On the one hand we have a lead who is tricking men into having unprotected sex with her, on the other hand there is a pervasive feeling across the film that Akerman’s Jaclyn is being slut shamed for having random hook-ups as her rich fellow partygoers look down on her. The whole area is quite murky and though the film does have Jaclyn’s activities be revealed and have her be criticised for it, it for the most part glosses over the consent issues which is problematic.

At the same time there is something incredibly satisfying in the third act where it seems as though Jaclyn has been bullied from the party and she re-enters and gives the partygoers a piece of her mind. The film designs it so that despite her problematic behaviour you root for Jaclyn and as such it is nice to see her stick up for herself in the end, she makes a number of good points in doing so as well. This scene could easily have come off as preachy, but for me it worked well.

In terms of performances this is Akerman’s film, which is both a pro and a con in and off itself. For the pro she easily carries this film and helps make the viewer feel at ease, as I have previously said she is very likeable and easy to relate to, however, for the con it means the supporting cast are mostly overlooked or used to further Jaclyn’s story without having much to do themselves.

Overall, a fairly by the numbers middle aged comedy film, however Akerman does manage to elevate it.

3/5

Pros.

Akerman

It is watchable

It feels very cathartic when Jaclyn lets loose at the end of the film

Cons.

The iffy moral quandary

The wider cast is largely wasted

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Children Of The Corn: Now With Added GMOs

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Children of the Corn is remade in the era of GMOs and climate activism.

This film was one of the worst I have watched in a long time. It makes me question if the writer knows anything about youth culture other than what they see on social media, I would guess not. The teen characters, which by the rules of the original story would likely have been killed but clearly they aren’t sticking to things, only exist to lecture their parents on their evils, even going so far as to put them on trial because they do something they don’t like, so far so bratty. Then the little kids are even worse, they are like oh we get a say in our own future then they follow it up by killing their parents again for not any real reason. It feels like the worst corners of twitter, the whiny types who have to have everything there way and who have to constantly campaign for different causes in order to have a soul/personality turned up to the max.

Couple this with the fact that this film in no way even tries to follow the original or books story and doesn’t even bother to kill off the adults into mid-way into the film, and you will start to see just how bad it is. Worse yet, unlike the original film with Linda Hamilton, wherein the He Would Walks is not shown but instead illuded to, much scarier, here we show him in all this CGI terribleness and honestly it removes any kind of fear factor out of the story and instead almost becomes comedic.

Overall, before watching this I had heard it was bad, but it was worse than I was expecting it to be.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The writer’s only interaction with young people is clearly those they see on Twitter

The social commentary is unneeded and not handled well

It is not scary

They ruin any kind of mystery or tension with the crop creature

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Winnie The Pooh Blood And Honey: A Straight To DVD Film In The Truest Sense

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The 100 acre wood gang go feral.

You have probably heard people talking about this film and how it is so shocking and controversial, as it takes beloved children’s characters and makes them murderers. However, it really isn’t shocking, it is a quite clear effort to be provocative and edgy in order to get attention and sell what would otherwise probably be a straight to DVD affair.

In many senses this attempt to be edgy falls flat, as it doesn’t go far enough. When you look at another independent horror film in Terrifier and you compare the two you can see just what I am saying. In many senses this film just feels like a generic slasher film, even when it is trying to be gory and shocking it pales in comparison to other films like Terrifier

Another thing I disliked about this film was how bad the writing was and through that how stupid the characters were. I will give you one example of my point there is a scene in a room with a swimming pool wherein the victim is stood on the side of the pool and the killer is advancing towards her, yet rather than run around the otherside of the pool which she totally could do and maybe even get away she instead jumps into the pool in fright. It is baffling decisions like this that make rooting for any of the characters in the picture hard.

I do think the premise is strong and the idea does have merit undeniably but the execution is beyond lacking.

Overall, try hardy and boring in the worst way.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is an interesting idea

The opening inspires confidence

Cons.

It is boring

It is not as edgy or as shocking as the marketing presents it

It is generic

The characters are dumb and unlikeable

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