Napoleon: Ridley Scott Gets His History From The History Channel

Summary

An origin story for Napoleon, Joaquin Phoenix.

So first off this film has nothing at all to do with history, literally nothing. It may take a few events and dates that actually happened but that is all, for the most part it is badly researched toss that never happened, so if you are considering this film for its historical merits go elsewhere.

Outside of that this film is a decidedly mixed bag. The battle scenes are visually impressive and the scale feels right, it feels like an epic. However, these sequences aren’t as long as you would like them to be and they don’t really show off Napoleon as the tactical genius he was really quite the opposite.

In terms of the rest of this film it is fixated on Napoleon’s relationship with his wife Josephine, Vanessa Kirby, at times you will forget you are watching a historical epic and think you are watching a period drama film instead. Both actors play their parts well perhaps Kirby even one ups Phoenix, but it is a weird choice to have Napoleon so emasculated in his own film, in many ways this film seems to go out of its way to make Napoleon look as weak as possible. Take this sequence for example, Napoleon has been away in Egypt fighting, and whilst gone Josephine has taken a lover, now when Napoleon hears of this he is furious as one would be but then when he gets back to France he is angry with her but still immediately takes her back and everything is fine, it is an odd choice for sure.

The questionable historical accuracy within this then makes the film almost come across as a historical hit piece on Napoleon and with that in mind you can see why the French don’t like this film, or some don’t, as this film takes one of their biggest historical figures and turns him into kind of a joke.

Overall, Ridley Scott misses again, maybe instead of taking so many interviews where he swears at those that don’t like his film he should crack a book it will save embarrassment like this.

2/5

Pros.

The battle scenes were good

Phoenix and Kirby both try their best

Cons.

The history is shot

It makes Napoleon look weak and pathetic

It is far, far too long

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Lisa Frankenstein: Necrophilia The Love Story

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A social outcast, Kathryn Newton, falls in love with a zombie, played by Cole Sprouse.

I was looking forward to this and it was pretty middling.

The main pro I can say for this film is that Kathryn Newton is great, she is very easy to root for and you really believe her character throughout. She might over act a little when the character fully embraces being a bad girl but that aside for the most part she gives a great performance easily the best in the film, though that isn’t hard considering her co-lead doesn’t talk.

I think on the negative side of things that this film is very confused about what it wants to be, and how it wants to go about telling the story it wants to tell. As at times it tries to be a comedy, a drama and sometimes it tries to go for horror but these disparate elements don’t jell well together at all and make the film feel disjointed and tonally at odds with itself.

Moreover, this film doesn’t really have anything new or fresh to say at all, I think Diablo Cody is a good writer yet this feels years out of date. The love story will be familiar to anyone who has even a cursory knowledge of the genre and it is far too familiar to films like Life After Beth just with the roles swapped. Also if you want to talk about ripping people off the whole aesthetic of the film could easily have come out of a Tim Burton film from a decade or so ago.

Overall, whilst Newton is charming this film doesn’t do anywhere near enough to make itself a fun watch.

1.5/5

Pros.

Newton

It has a few funny moments

Cons.

It has been done better before

It feels too familiar

The tonal mismatch

It feels flat

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Navigating Christmas: Where Is A Storm When You Need One

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single mum, Chelsea Hobbs, in order to prove she is ‘fun’ takes her kid to a lighthouse for Christmas as you do.

Again another painfully by the numbers Christmas film, I think of the crappy Christmas films that stick to the standard script that I watched this year this was by far my least favourite. For the simple reason of the teen actor playing the main woman’s kid is awful. So the character is a cliché stereotype that acts like he’s five despite clearly being older than that, and blames his mum for everything in his life. The character is so off putting that it is easier to just skip over any scene he is in.

The romance between Hobbs character and the male lead is better and the romance aspect of the film makes it salvageable but honestly it is nothing you haven’t seen before.

Sadly there isn’t much more to say about this you have seen it before, the teen is irritating to a point of the film being hard to watch at times, watch something else.

Overall, an incredibly generic Christmas film

1.5/5

Pros.

The romance is okay

It is mindless

Cons.

The kid is irritating

You have seen this before

It is badly paced

It makes so real stupid leaps in logic

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In The Land Of Saints And Sinners: A Shoot Up Down The Local

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Liam Neeson is a small town hit man in Ireland

I thought this film was quite good, bear in mind I am a big Neeson fan so I am more than likely being a bit forgiving if only unconsciously.

The premise of a hitman taking out the wrong person and drawing the ire of a larger group is nothing new, but the build here is what makes this film more. As the trio of IRA members circle the small town looking for Neeson you know a conflict is coming, and the film holds out on you until the very end, and when the shootout in the pub does occur it happens with such grandiose brutality that the whole film becomes worth it then and there.

Increasingly I see things about Neeson retiring or at least giving up action films, but I think there is no need for that I still think he’s a believable action force even now, after all Schwarzenegger continued with action rather later into his life than Neeson so I still think he has a few more action films in him.

Jack Gleeson gives a great performance here as well easily living up to his twisted character in Game Of Thrones though here he is supposed to be on the side of the angels. Kerrie Condon is also a good villain for the piece who you can both hate but also understand why she is doing what she is doing. A strong cast all round.

Overall, another solid Liam Neeson action film

4/5

Pros.

Neeson

Gleeson

Condon

A great third act

Cons.

It is slow getting to the action

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Wonka: A Discount Chocolate Bar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Willy Wonka, Timothy Chalamet, gets an origin story, outside of the one he already had in the Tim Burton film.

I enjoyed this film more than I thought I would, and whilst I still stand by the fact it didn’t need to exist and that in many ways is fairly generic, there is enough charm here to elevate this above the realm of average and bring it close to good.

There are some great performances from some of the best in British comedy here these are peppered in throughout an always feel enriching when they appear. The most present of these comedians is the trio of villains again each giving a hell of a performance and being both funny and menacing in equal measure. To counter that I will say that Wonka’s group of friends and supporters is incredibly bland and feel tacked on, none of them really have any kind of personality outside of Wonka and the little girl he takes under his wing is the most forgettable character you will likely ever see in a film. She is basically Matilda without the charm.

The odd eccentricities of this film help to give it a unique feel that many familiar with the Paddington films will be familiar with, however, I think the foray into musical was a bad idea and that the film should and could easily have left the songs out; it is not like any of them are good singers.

I want to take a moment to shoutout Hugh Grant as once again here he is the standout of the film, I think his Umpalumpa was a scene stealer in the scenes he appeared in.

Sadly it is highly likely this film is why Sally Hawkins won’t be Mrs Brown in Paddington 3 which I think is a shame they a largely waste her in flashbacks here anyway.

Overall, it is a better than average yet flawed film

3/5

Pros.

It has a charm

The collection of British greats

Hugh Grant

Cons.

The supporting cast are weak

It never really justifies it’s own existence

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A Christmas Karen: A Timely And Needed Christmas Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A karen, Michele Simms, gets the Scrooge treatment.

I thought this film was hilarious, many times I was laughing at how awful Karen was and I also thought it was funny how manic and over the top they made her turn to Jesus moment at the end, when she literally runs around town trying to be nice to everyone, looking like they have put something in her coffee.

I think the plot for the most part is the same old same old they don’t really do much with the Scrooge story that you could call new, they just give it a modern twist. In my mind I am comparing this to the other great non Scrooge Scrooge films like the classic Scrooged and does it hit those same hights? Nope. Though you could argue that is an unfair comparison, as nothing can compare to Bill Murray in his prime.

Michele Simms deserves to win something for her performance here she nails the role of a karen down to the last detail and has all the right mannerisms. Again the scene in which she calls the cops on the little girl selling drinks to pay for her medicine is dead on. Also a nice touch is that they don’t politicise her, you get the feeling she would be voting for Donald, but it never really says it straight up which is good as it could be seen as preachy otherwise.

Overall, not quite a Christmas classic but well worth a watch.

Pros.

It is funny

It nails the karen archetype to a tee

It has charm

Cons.

It doesn’t do much with the book plot

It is badly paced

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A Merry Scottish Christmas: American Exceptionalism In The UK

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

You know what pairs well with Christmas rom-coms American exceptionalism.

So hear we have the usual set up but they have the added drama that they might become Lord and Lady of a Scottish town I guess, because God knows that the title should go to someone who was born and raised in the community what would those savages know no no it needs to be an American. The romantic lead of the film is Scottish and is from the area and runs the estate but he can’t get the title as it goes to a long lost daughter who moved to America and her kids. If anything this film highlights that birthright titles are stupid dumb and harmful, but worse than that it highlights how the Scott’s need an American to save them from ruin. If I was Scottish I would be angry about that.

Ultimately this film just uses Scotland as an exotic backdrop for all those midwestern mums who will be watching this on Christmas Eve, I would argue and I have only been a few times that this film in no real way reflects Scotland at all and could easily be Croatia doubling up.

The romance elements are fine but paint by numbers and you don’t really care about the couple. The real shame here is that the film is not even so bad it is good, it is just bad and propagates how the world needs an American to save it, when in reality they can’t even save themselves.

Overall, another poor showing of the 2023 Christmas Rom-Coms

1.5/5

Pros.

It is not the worst rom-com ever

It has some pretty scenery be it Scottland or somewhere else doubling for it

Cons.

The American exceptionalism

It is irritating

It doesn’t reflect Scotland at all

It is bland

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Strays: A Film That Hates Dogs

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of dogs team up to inflict vengeance upon an abusive owner, Will Forte.

This is why people aren’t going to the movies anymore, what is this? This film felt like it was written by AI and who knows maybe it was. To be blunt this is the sort of bargain basement comedy that really is made for streaming, God only knows why they put it out in the cinema.

If you want to see a bunch of dogs do gross and vulgar stuff for an hour and a half then this is the film for you, if you want a half way decent comedy film then try elsewhere. I didn’t laugh once whilst watching this film, in fact if anything I actually think it’s a pretty sad film, the animals get badly abused at times and its not funny its just unpleasant, and I know this is supposed to set them up for wanting revenge but it makes the film hard to watch at times. Take for example this scene, Jamie Fox’s dog character is being carried away by a hawk/maybe an Eagle and this is played for laughs when in reality in that scene the dog would be in a bunch of pain and you wouldn’t laugh at that. Again the film wants you to laugh at the abuse, but it is not funny. Before people say well its not a real dog it’s a film, the film itself wants you to be immersed in its world and view these as real dogs there for you view them as such and therein lies the issue, if anything it is too realistic.

The voice cast are all quite clearly here for the money, and whilst I like to see Randall Park get work I think that this was beneath him. Frankly if this is the state of comedy in Hollywood than all I can say is it is incredibly dumb and mindless. This is not Will Ferrell, who also voices the main dog, screaming every line kind of unfunny, this is watching dog sex for an oh my God I can’t believe they did that moment kind of unfunny.

Overall, poor and soul destroying.

0.5/5

Pros.

If you hit your head a few times with a pan it suddenly becomes funny

Cons.

The animal abuse

It isn’t funny

It feels cheap and desperate

All the performances are phoned in

Quiz Lady: Who Hasn’t Pooped Outdoors?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Anne, Awkwafina, spends every night watching her favourite quiz show never dreaming that one day she will end up on it.

I thoroughly enjoyed this film, I thought that Anne’s story of coming out of her shell to save her family and be happier was both wholesome and inspiring. I personally found Anne’s character throughout the film to be easy to relate and warm too, I was fully invested in her journey which is a sure sign of good writing.

I would say that the older sister character, Sandra O, was a bit more one note and even a little grating at times, which does drag the film down a little. As sisters you can buy the bond but the chemistry isn’t really there, however they do have a few nice moments together.

I liked the format of the quiz show and thought that the presenter, Will Ferrell, did a good job of making it seem real and authentic. I think that this was Ferrell’s best performance in a while as a more dialled back less shouty version of himself, again far easier to like then some of his more recent forays where he shouts every line to make them funny, a strategy that has never worked.

Overall, a sweet gem of a film that may go missed by many but definitely worth the watch.

4/5

Pros.

Awkwafina

It is funny

It is sweet

It has a great message

Cons.

Sandra O was miscast

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Checkin It Twice: Yet Another Small Town Christmas Movie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hockey player moves to a small town and meets the girl of his dreams.

It is all the same isn’t it, do we really need to be here talking about this? Well you clicked on this review so I’ll do my best. We won’t talk about the plot you know it, I know it, everyone who has ever watched a Christmas rom-com knows, they never change.

What I will say about this film is that the leads had good chemistry, I thought that they were not only a believable couple but one that you could root for. Again the writing wasn’t good it was the same set up as always, but the chemistry was good enough that you could get beyond that.

You may get more out of this film if you like hockey, as it has elements of a sports movie at times, not huge amounts but some, again I have been to a few games and know a little about it but think that if you are a big hockey fan you might like this film more than most. Again for a person not into hockey these sections will inevitably drag.

Overall, it is better than the last two Christmas films I have reviewed, those being The Mean One and Colorado Christmas, but not by much.

2/5

Pros.

The leads have good chemistry

If you are into Hockey their might be something to get out of this

Cons.

It is generic

The writing is awful

It can drag at times

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