Conclave: The Oscars Get It Wrong Again

A gathering of the cardinals is made appropriate for the 21st century, and you better like it you bigot.

So I had forgotten about this on first release but then I saw it later and excitedly remembered it and thought I’d give it a watch. On the surface this film should have been good, a sort of papal intrigue drama film about deciding who would be the new Pope. Yet whilst there was some of that there was also a lot of modern day filler like a whole plot about one of them being intersex, as it is 2024/2025 and you cannot release a film unless it has some form of representation like that.

Moreover, I found the dialogue to be a little stiff, what I mean by this is that for films that have lots of long drawn out scenes of people talking you need them to be gripping and yet here whilst the performers brought gravitas I found a lot of these scenes ended up feeling overly long. This film was always going to hinge on the quality of its writing, and sadly it got let down.

I don’t really see how this got nominated for an Oscar outside of the fact it has been a slow year, there is interest and a well put together narrative sans one sub-plot, I bet you can guess which, but by and large it doesn’t come together in the way an Oscar nominated film should.

Overall, another odd choice for Oscar nomination.

1.5/5

Pros.

It has some interesting moments

It is not your average slop

Cons.

The intersex storyline and how needless it is

The writing is patchy

There is pacing issues

It was broadly disappointing

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One Of Them Days: Yet More Stereotypical Black Women

Summary

A film chocked full of stereotypes.

This film would have been considered incredibly racist if it was directed by a nonblack person. Increasingly certain parts of cinema are defining a black woman as either wise and sage or like they are here, it is two separate stereotypes that are continuing to put these women in a box. The worst thing of all is that here these women couldn’t get anymore stereotypical unless they randomly broke out into jive every few minutes, and the writer of this project is herself a black woman, so she is perpetuating a racist stereotype against other black women.

The film itself is allergic to originality and is the same thing we have seen countless times before two sort of losers have to fix a problem, here it is getting rent money, and hijinks happen along the way. Again these hijinks further the stereotypes I was previously discussing as the two leads, played by Keke Palmer and SZA, constantly get into fights with various groups of people, which again feels like it is leaning into stereotypes.

None of the performances were very good either, I didn’t feel any warmth to any of the characters.

Overall, very much January fare.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It stereotypes black women

It is generic

It isn’t funny

It has pacing issues

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Section 31: Michelle Yeoh Has Embarrassed Herself Post Oscar

Summary

An old woman embarrasses herself.

I won’t claim to be the biggest Star Trek fan, I don’t watch every show and I don’t know all the characters. However, I have tried to keep up with modern Star Trek and have covered it before, it is sad to see things get worse and worse in the way it has but here we are.

I have to ask you dear Reader what place does S and M have within Star Trek is it empowering to see Michelle Yeoh dominate men half her age? Not really it is embarrassing. The way this film/series extension, whatever it is, treats Yeon as a woman half her age, it expects you to believe her as this badass matriarch when she looks as though a gust of wind would have her collapsed on the floor. Honestly Yeon’s team seem to have a knack for scoring her roles in the worst fantasy and science fiction stuff they can.

I watched the last few episodes of Discovery to try and make sense of this, as I had long given up on the show, it was a painful experience. Even with that I was pretty confused as to what was going on, after I got situated I found the science fiction narrative to be convoluted and badly conveyed. A lot of things happen that don’t make sense with the character or their motivations and this screams to me of bad writing and why I stopped watching Kurtzman Trek in the first place.

Overall, embarrassing.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is good to laugh at

Cons.

It is embarrassing

It is a vandalization of the franchise

Michelle Yeon

It makes little sense

It is a waste of your time

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Merry Good Enough: Not Really Good Enough

Summary

A mother, Susan Gallagher, goes missing on Christmas.

So this is a holdover from my 2024 Christmas viewing season, as I am now writing about it in late January, it slipped through my net regarding posts to release and I had forgotten I had seen it for a while on top of that. That should say all we need to about the film leading in.

However, I imagine you want more. So basically this is a film about a mother who feels underappreciated and runs away both because she wants to escape her children but also because she wants to know they care. This bizarre dichotomy is made only the more strange by the fact that she does not live with her children so why does she need to escape them, one whom she quarrels with comes around every week but she still has the rest of her week to herself. Anyway logic aside.

The kids air family grievances and have to come to terms with the fact that there parents are not perfect people, a thing that most already know by their mid-teens, but hey these folks have to figure it out as adults as they are all clearly quite sheltered.

There is some charm and some relatability but ultimately you cannot form a bond with any of the characters as the writing is just so poor, they don’t feel like people but rather archetypes.

Overall, a fairly forgettable Christmas dramady.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a few warm moments

Cons.

It is poorly paced

It is forgettable

The characters feel like characters

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A Real Life: This Is Why Folk Hate Americans Abroad

Summary

A guided tour of Poland takes a turn for the emotional.

This was a perfectly fine film, but I am left wondering how it was nominated for awards. In my estimation the only reason this got nominated for anything is because the awarding bodies, acutely aware that they have been demonising jews and Israel for the year need to do something to cover themselves in the face of antisemitism accusations, so they do this: much as a racist may remind you they have a black friend.

I thought narratively it was no great shake due to the fact that the reveal was obvious. We have seen the formula of successful friend of family member, here Eisenberg, meets with less successful or wash out friend of family member, here Culkin, for the latter to turn out to be on the verge of suicide or some form of trauma and for the former then have to give them a reason to live again. Film’s as different to this as The World’s End did this narrative.

Moreover, Culkin’s character which was supposed to be sympathetic just wasn’t. He seemed to be an awful person with few redeeming qualities, a perfect example of this is when he berates the guide for giving information. The others or his tour may well have wanted to hear it but because he didn’t he behaves unilaterally. The fact they have a scene later when the tour guide thanks him makes it all the worse, as this scene feels like it is there in order to excuse the character rather than how people would actually behave. There are not enough scenes where you feel warmth towards his character to make you feel anything when the truth about his trauma comes out.

Overall, I am a fan of Eisenburg and will always show up to his projects, however, the writing in this one was a little cliched and weak.

2.5/5

Pros.

There are some fun moments

It does have an emotional core, but that doesn’t make you empathise with the characters

The central duo have a believable familial friendship

Cons.

Culkin’s character is insufferable

The reveal is obvious

The supporting cast are wasted

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Sonic Three: The Quest For Meaningful Stakes

Summary

Sonic, voiced by Ben Schwartz, is back.

Going into the latter half of the year and looking at a pretty dire slate this was one of the few films that kept that small ember of optimism alive in me. However, after seeing it I have to say I was disappointed. I really don’t want to be writing that but it is the truth.

My issue with the film is pretty clear cut, whilst I liked Knuckles it did feel very much like a small story idea wrapped in goofiness and filler that was acceptable as it was a streaming show and not a mainline film. This film was far more Knuckles than the previous two films, rather than having some earnest heart, and having some epic moments or deeper worldbuilding, this film instead decided to have lots of goofy nonsense, such as a musical dance number, Eggman, Jim Carrey’s, obsession with telenovelas and a long drawn out race sequence in the films first act.

They have Krysten Ritter as the new director of GUN yet they give her one line and that is it, it is such a waste. I would have rather had more scenes that debated the ethical nature of GUN and made Sonic and co question whether they could trust them. As far as Shadow, voiced by Keanu Reeves, goes I was again disappointed. Shadow is my favourite character in Sonic lore yet they just give him a pretty bog standard revenge arc here before making him team up with Sonic at the end. I would have liked to see more of Shadow being an anti-hero, rather than him just getting the Knuckles in Sonic Two treatment where he is a villains henchman turned hero. It would have been better to have him and Sonic both trying to fix a problem say GUN did something bad in the past, but Shadow’s ways are too extreme and that puts him at odds with Sonic, rather than Sonic and Shadow both realise GUN did something bad so Shadow is going to destroy them for revenge, this seem over the top for Shadow who is an antihero, to kill lots of innocent people, and yes he isn’t fully aware of the weapons potential but still.

Overall, I would hope for the next film they could have less goofy silly stuff and a little more stakes and tension. It is never going to be super serious but some worldbuilding and some deeper character work would be nice. What I would like out of the next film is a for Amy-Rose to take team Sonic, including Shadow off world and for it to be a galaxy hopping adventure to stop a mass wave of Metal Sonics from destroying Earth to get to Sonic, this journey would explore Sonic’s origins and be large scale and epic. We wouldn’t have any goofy sing alongs dancing or anything else like that, we would have character growth and stakes.

Overall, good but a bit too silly and without the heart of the previous films.

3/5

Pros.

The end credits

It is cool to see Shadow even if they don’t do much with him

Jim Carrey is entertaining

Cons.

It is too goofy

It wastes new actors like Ritter

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The Advent Calendar: Belgium Really Seems To Have A Thing Against Disabled People In This One

Summary

An evil advent calendar leads to the deaths of a bunch of people.

I am all for horror being depressing but come on. I mean everyone in this film seems to hate the main woman, played by Eugenie Derouand simply for existing. Even her supposed friend steals the guy she is into and lets her go home with a horrible man who attacks her. It is pretty bleak.

This is done to make it better when the calendar kills a lot of these folks but still, it doesn’t make for nice viewing. Even I who have been round the way with horror many times, find seeing a disabled woman being sexually assaulted and then violently thrown out of a car and having to crawl back into her wheelchair, which takes quite a long time making it even more uncomfortable, to be needlessly over the top. It is not so much that this film is scary but it is incredibly depressing.

Overall, if you’re looking for a horror film to depress you more than it scares you look no further than this.

1/5

Pros.

It tries something new

Cons.

It is depressing

It is badly paced

A majority of the cast do very little

It is boring at times

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Baby Girl: Those Nichole Kidman AMC Adverts Have Changed Quite A Bit.

Summary

Hold onto your casserole dishes we get yet another erotic thriller for mothers.

Very much like the Grey films this film seeks to fetishize s and m and puts forward the idea of how hot it is for the boss women to be made to bark like a dog for a younger man. Is this actually titillating for anyone, remember folks when erotic thrillers would just be normal fairly vanilla sex but the passion of it is what gave it the heat, now you have stuff like this done for shock value. I am no prude but I do consider what sort of things are being shown as healthy here, and don’t think they are in fact that.

I find the graphic scenes of Nicole Kidman masturbating to not be shocking, to not be boundary pushing as oh we have never had a scene of a woman masturbating before, glass sealing shattered as we have, but instead rather to be desperate. These sort of scenes are not put in to make some bold comment on female sexuality, this comment has already been more articulately made, they are done for shock value and to be like ‘oh look at how graphic we made it that’s sexy right?’ It isn’t it is just desperate.

If Miss Kidman thinks this will make her anymore relevant or hey even get her some awards love it won’t. It will be forgotten about in about 5 minutes and will only live on in the mind of some old neglected housewife who wants it to happen to her.

Overall, a desperate sad attempt at eroticism.

1/5

Pros.

Old unsatisfied housewives might like it

Cons

It is cringe

It is desperate

It legitimising some morally bad things

Kidman is miscast

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Better Man: A Death Rattle Out Of A Rotting Sub-Genre

Summary

A man is made into a monkey.

So as I have been saying for a while musical biopics as a sub-genre are running out of steam at the box office, there are a few here or there that are making money but by and large the amount being made is less and less. In steps the bright corporate idea of making these biopics more silly and unique by doing things like shooting with Lego or as is the case here having a musical biopic where the singer is being played by a CGI monkey. I hope you can smell the desperation as I can dear discerning reader.

Honestly, there isn’t much to say about the film itself beyond its central conceit which I have already mentioned above, it is the same old same old. If you have ever seen a musical biopic before then you know the story, it is one of two. It is either rise then fall or rise, hardship, continued success, this would fall into the latter category. The two story structures are never deviated from across the entire sub-genre and really can’t be, if you are trying to tell a somewhat accurate biopic, sans the monkey, then you have to stick to reality and reality is either one or two.

If you are a Robbie Williams fan then that will help the experience as you can at least enjoy the music.

Overall, it is watchable if entirely uninspired. The monkey gimmick feels as desperate as it sounds.

2/5

Pros.

It has good songs, I am a fan of Williams music.

It has a good mostly British cast, though they are underused

Cons.

The monkey thing feels desperate

It is been there and done that

It is poorly paced

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Nosferatu: Lily-Rose Depp Is Even Worse Here Than In The Idol

Summary

Robert Eggers is back with his most vapid film yet.

So I am a huge fan of Robert Eggers in my mind he’s 2 for 3, The Lighthouse being the odd one out for me. However, in his forth entry we see him move away from his art house roots and move closer to the mainstream than he ever has before, much to his and the film’s detriment. This film could have felt deeper and as though it had more to say if it had used more of Egger’s art house flourishes, what this film reeks of to me is of a man wanting to make a commercially, as in main stream approved film, as such his usual motifs and themes have to be dumbed down. I wouldn’t be surprised if after The Northman flopped Eggers felt he needed to make a commercially successful film in order to prove he was more than just an art house director.

The film itself is a pretty close version of the Dracula story/ or here Nosferatu, there are some changes to the original German silent film, quite noticeably in the villains appearance. If you have seen either the original German film or other versions of Dracula you know where this is heading. I found the fact that they stuck with the original film’s ending but changed it to rather than just drain her of blood here he did that whilst also having sex with her to be an odd choice, but hey they did it to get the punters in as they felt the need to try and sell this as some sort of erotic horror film. Alas anything to sell tickets.

Finally we move to the biggest issue with the film Lily-Rose Depp. So I have seen her in quite a number of films now Yoga Hosers, Wolf, a forgotten science fiction film, and now this and honestly she gave her best performance in Yoga Hosers. At least there she shows a variety of emotions here she has one face for the entire film, distant and robotic. Her husband who she thought dead isn’t, distant and robotic, she is having relations with a vampire, distant and robotic, she is trying to convey the threat posed, can you guess what I am going to say. Honestly, there are scenes in this film where she is rolling around and having fits, but also maybe possibly orgasming at the same time, its an odd film, and it shouldn’t be but is massively comical. Mainly this is due to Depp’s poor acting, increasingly it seems that she is becoming the actress that will take her kit off and that has a lot of sex on screen but that won’t make up for a lack of talent. Anya Taylor-Joy in this would have done a much better job.

Overall, a massive misstep.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good cinematography

I liked the old timey dialogue

The rats were a nice touch

Cons.

Depp

It is a familiar story

It wastes time

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