The American Society Of Magical: Race Hate The Movie

Summary

A film meant to stand up an archaic racist trope, becomes just as racist.

If a filmmaker made a film wherein the plot line said there was nothing worse than an upset or threatened man of colour and tried to release it in the contemporary market it would be rightly condemned as hugely racist. However, the idiotic idea that you cannot be racist towards white people is tested to the limit here and proven that you actually can. The way this film generalises about white people and uses blatant caricatures, even for the purpose of comedy, is racist there is no other way to describe it. If as I laid out at the beginning the tables where turned this film would not have been made, yet this film sees the light of day despite an almost pathological hatred of white people seeing them all as villains out to oppress the lead.

Racist humour exists of course one only needs to tune into an episode of Family Guy to see an outdated stereotype of some kind, yet there the difference is that the show doesn’t get up on a soapbox and tell you it is progressive and righteous, it knows it said a racist joke and rolls with it rightly or wrongly. Here however the film thinks it can be as racist as it likes towards white people, making them out to be lazy, stupid, violent and incapable of doing anything other than steal the hard work of those they oppress, and then wants to say it is progressive, when it is actually regressive and divisive.

The most stupid thing about this film is that it doesn’t understand the trope it is trying to comment on. Within films about said trope, it is in the title, the character has no agency other than to serve and help the white characters yet the characters here have no agency and only exist to serve, they don’t want to change the status quo. As such what is this film challenging? What is it updating? It is just repeating the trope again but saying ‘oh look guys we can see its wrong’, but do they do anything new with it? Nope, they just have a character point out how messed up the trope is something that everyone with a brain already knew.

Finally the lecture at the end of the film where the main character finally stands up for himself just feels like hate speech, it boils down to white people are bad, again sub out that for any other race and this film wouldn’t be made, but this film seems to have a bee in its bonnet.

Overall, there is a reason that this film has underperformed and been ravaged by critics it is race baiting plain and simple, the creatives clearly have some prejudice towards white people, in my opinion, and wants to inject that into the film seemingly unaware that it will alienate a large part of the audience. A well deserved flop that hopefully kills the careers of those involved with it.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It is disgustingly racist

It hates its audience

It preaches and lectures rather than try to be entertaining

It is tonally all over the show

It doesn’t actually update the trope it just recycles it and goes yes we know its bad

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Wicked Letters: Naughty Words To Make Your Elder Relatives Blush

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A series of profanity laden letters cause havoc in a small town.

Comedy can be so subjective, in many cases you can think a film is brilliant if it matches your sensibilities but if it doesn’t it can come off as unfunny, boring or even depressing, and I find that in this case I am leaning towards the latter. Though there were funny moment in this film is was far more of a dramedy then the trailers suggested it to be and at times I found it to be very depressing indeed.

Jessie Buckley is the saving grace of the film and her character is likeable and easy to root for, over the course of the film you want to see her free and you want to see everyone that keeps punishing her for being a little different be put in their place. Luckily it is that sort of film and the ending does give you the resolution you were looking for. Without Buckley this would be a much worse film.

Olivia Coleman on the other hand, and I say this as a fan, needs to find a new schtick, she has played a mentally ill posh woman so many times now in almost every role that she has been type cast. Again I won’t spoil it for you but I will say it is super obvious very early on in the film who is writing the letters to Coleman’s characters and if it was a different actor in the role I don’t think it would be so obvious.

Overall, it is nice to see British cinema still has some life blood but this just wasn’t to my tastes.

2.5/5

Pros.

It has a few funny moments

Buckley

Spall

Cons.

Coleman

It is depressing

The tone is all over the show

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Argylle: The Matthew Vaughn Formula Has Gone Bad

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A best selling novelist, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, finds herself at the centre of a spy mystery.

I like Matthew Vaughn, his style, even his second Kingsman film, but I didn’t like this.

I had two major issues with the film. Firstly, I thought it felt tame, the violence was bloodless and secondly I thought the twist was incredibly obvious. I think for me the worst moment of the film was the big final battle at the end when rather than having a bloody shootout which is what you want out of an action film you have instead bright colours and smoke and they are dancing and shooting and you just go who is this for? Meanwhile the twist that Bryce Dallas Howard is in fact agent Argyll was so on the nose that you could have guessed it blind without having ever seen the trailer.

My pros of the film come with the fact that the cast is good and likeable and you do like the characters even if the story itself is played out and repetitive. I think Bryce Dallas Howard did a good job leading the film and that Sam Rockwell and Henry Cavill where good in their supporting roles.

Overall, this film deeply misunderstood its audience its all very well doing a spy spoof film but people still want to see bloody gory violence and not a colourful dance number.

2.5/5

Pros.

Howard

The wider supporting cast

It is very watchable

Cons.

The mystery is obvious

It has been done better before

It feels incredibly tame

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Christmas As Usual: A True Get Out Sequel

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A couple goes home for Christmas and then her family proceeds to be racist towards the incoming fiancé for the entire runtime of the film, only having a ‘man racism is bad’ moment right at the end of the film because the plot demands it, you can tell they still hate him even at the end.

I challenge you to watch this film and not be infuriated by the Norwegian family. They make no effort to embrace Jashan, Kanan Gill, and are racist to his face multiple times and you are still supposed to like them in the plot of the film. Then they get the daughter’s ex round, blonde hair blue eyes and try and set her up with him in front of Jashan. If this film was a Get Out sequel I could believe it.

I mentioned it briefly in the summary but basically the family is awful to Jashan across the film to a point where he leaves and breaks off the engagement, as he should as the girl is too ashamed to reveal the fact she is marrying a man of colour, they then have a come to Jesus moment and go ‘wait a minute are we the baddies’. This feels forced in for the plot and I would have preferred if that had been the end of it, if it had been a drama, make a point, have them be racist and unrepentant, that would have felt more authentic again there shift here felt contrived.

Overall, In many senses this film is a good outrage film, it makes you feel angry and sometimes that is what you want maybe not out of a Christmas rom-com though. I would say at times the film is almost in the so bad it is good category as the characters are so cartoonishly twisted and easy hate to hate them characters. If you want to find an anti-rom com for Christmas then here it is.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is laughably bad at times

It makes you angry it is a good hate film

Jashan has a few nice wholesome moments

Cons.

It is hard to watch at times

The shift is unconvincing

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Lisa Frankenstein: Necrophilia The Love Story

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A social outcast, Kathryn Newton, falls in love with a zombie, played by Cole Sprouse.

I was looking forward to this and it was pretty middling.

The main pro I can say for this film is that Kathryn Newton is great, she is very easy to root for and you really believe her character throughout. She might over act a little when the character fully embraces being a bad girl but that aside for the most part she gives a great performance easily the best in the film, though that isn’t hard considering her co-lead doesn’t talk.

I think on the negative side of things that this film is very confused about what it wants to be, and how it wants to go about telling the story it wants to tell. As at times it tries to be a comedy, a drama and sometimes it tries to go for horror but these disparate elements don’t jell well together at all and make the film feel disjointed and tonally at odds with itself.

Moreover, this film doesn’t really have anything new or fresh to say at all, I think Diablo Cody is a good writer yet this feels years out of date. The love story will be familiar to anyone who has even a cursory knowledge of the genre and it is far too familiar to films like Life After Beth just with the roles swapped. Also if you want to talk about ripping people off the whole aesthetic of the film could easily have come out of a Tim Burton film from a decade or so ago.

Overall, whilst Newton is charming this film doesn’t do anywhere near enough to make itself a fun watch.

1.5/5

Pros.

Newton

It has a few funny moments

Cons.

It has been done better before

It feels too familiar

The tonal mismatch

It feels flat

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Navigating Christmas: Where Is A Storm When You Need One

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A single mum, Chelsea Hobbs, in order to prove she is ‘fun’ takes her kid to a lighthouse for Christmas as you do.

Again another painfully by the numbers Christmas film, I think of the crappy Christmas films that stick to the standard script that I watched this year this was by far my least favourite. For the simple reason of the teen actor playing the main woman’s kid is awful. So the character is a cliché stereotype that acts like he’s five despite clearly being older than that, and blames his mum for everything in his life. The character is so off putting that it is easier to just skip over any scene he is in.

The romance between Hobbs character and the male lead is better and the romance aspect of the film makes it salvageable but honestly it is nothing you haven’t seen before.

Sadly there isn’t much more to say about this you have seen it before, the teen is irritating to a point of the film being hard to watch at times, watch something else.

Overall, an incredibly generic Christmas film

1.5/5

Pros.

The romance is okay

It is mindless

Cons.

The kid is irritating

You have seen this before

It is badly paced

It makes so real stupid leaps in logic

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Wonka: A Discount Chocolate Bar

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Willy Wonka, Timothy Chalamet, gets an origin story, outside of the one he already had in the Tim Burton film.

I enjoyed this film more than I thought I would, and whilst I still stand by the fact it didn’t need to exist and that in many ways is fairly generic, there is enough charm here to elevate this above the realm of average and bring it close to good.

There are some great performances from some of the best in British comedy here these are peppered in throughout an always feel enriching when they appear. The most present of these comedians is the trio of villains again each giving a hell of a performance and being both funny and menacing in equal measure. To counter that I will say that Wonka’s group of friends and supporters is incredibly bland and feel tacked on, none of them really have any kind of personality outside of Wonka and the little girl he takes under his wing is the most forgettable character you will likely ever see in a film. She is basically Matilda without the charm.

The odd eccentricities of this film help to give it a unique feel that many familiar with the Paddington films will be familiar with, however, I think the foray into musical was a bad idea and that the film should and could easily have left the songs out; it is not like any of them are good singers.

I want to take a moment to shoutout Hugh Grant as once again here he is the standout of the film, I think his Umpalumpa was a scene stealer in the scenes he appeared in.

Sadly it is highly likely this film is why Sally Hawkins won’t be Mrs Brown in Paddington 3 which I think is a shame they a largely waste her in flashbacks here anyway.

Overall, it is a better than average yet flawed film

3/5

Pros.

It has a charm

The collection of British greats

Hugh Grant

Cons.

The supporting cast are weak

It never really justifies it’s own existence

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A Christmas Karen: A Timely And Needed Christmas Film

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A karen, Michele Simms, gets the Scrooge treatment.

I thought this film was hilarious, many times I was laughing at how awful Karen was and I also thought it was funny how manic and over the top they made her turn to Jesus moment at the end, when she literally runs around town trying to be nice to everyone, looking like they have put something in her coffee.

I think the plot for the most part is the same old same old they don’t really do much with the Scrooge story that you could call new, they just give it a modern twist. In my mind I am comparing this to the other great non Scrooge Scrooge films like the classic Scrooged and does it hit those same hights? Nope. Though you could argue that is an unfair comparison, as nothing can compare to Bill Murray in his prime.

Michele Simms deserves to win something for her performance here she nails the role of a karen down to the last detail and has all the right mannerisms. Again the scene in which she calls the cops on the little girl selling drinks to pay for her medicine is dead on. Also a nice touch is that they don’t politicise her, you get the feeling she would be voting for Donald, but it never really says it straight up which is good as it could be seen as preachy otherwise.

Overall, not quite a Christmas classic but well worth a watch.

Pros.

It is funny

It nails the karen archetype to a tee

It has charm

Cons.

It doesn’t do much with the book plot

It is badly paced

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A Merry Scottish Christmas: American Exceptionalism In The UK

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

You know what pairs well with Christmas rom-coms American exceptionalism.

So hear we have the usual set up but they have the added drama that they might become Lord and Lady of a Scottish town I guess, because God knows that the title should go to someone who was born and raised in the community what would those savages know no no it needs to be an American. The romantic lead of the film is Scottish and is from the area and runs the estate but he can’t get the title as it goes to a long lost daughter who moved to America and her kids. If anything this film highlights that birthright titles are stupid dumb and harmful, but worse than that it highlights how the Scott’s need an American to save them from ruin. If I was Scottish I would be angry about that.

Ultimately this film just uses Scotland as an exotic backdrop for all those midwestern mums who will be watching this on Christmas Eve, I would argue and I have only been a few times that this film in no real way reflects Scotland at all and could easily be Croatia doubling up.

The romance elements are fine but paint by numbers and you don’t really care about the couple. The real shame here is that the film is not even so bad it is good, it is just bad and propagates how the world needs an American to save it, when in reality they can’t even save themselves.

Overall, another poor showing of the 2023 Christmas Rom-Coms

1.5/5

Pros.

It is not the worst rom-com ever

It has some pretty scenery be it Scottland or somewhere else doubling for it

Cons.

The American exceptionalism

It is irritating

It doesn’t reflect Scotland at all

It is bland

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Strays: A Film That Hates Dogs

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of dogs team up to inflict vengeance upon an abusive owner, Will Forte.

This is why people aren’t going to the movies anymore, what is this? This film felt like it was written by AI and who knows maybe it was. To be blunt this is the sort of bargain basement comedy that really is made for streaming, God only knows why they put it out in the cinema.

If you want to see a bunch of dogs do gross and vulgar stuff for an hour and a half then this is the film for you, if you want a half way decent comedy film then try elsewhere. I didn’t laugh once whilst watching this film, in fact if anything I actually think it’s a pretty sad film, the animals get badly abused at times and its not funny its just unpleasant, and I know this is supposed to set them up for wanting revenge but it makes the film hard to watch at times. Take for example this scene, Jamie Fox’s dog character is being carried away by a hawk/maybe an Eagle and this is played for laughs when in reality in that scene the dog would be in a bunch of pain and you wouldn’t laugh at that. Again the film wants you to laugh at the abuse, but it is not funny. Before people say well its not a real dog it’s a film, the film itself wants you to be immersed in its world and view these as real dogs there for you view them as such and therein lies the issue, if anything it is too realistic.

The voice cast are all quite clearly here for the money, and whilst I like to see Randall Park get work I think that this was beneath him. Frankly if this is the state of comedy in Hollywood than all I can say is it is incredibly dumb and mindless. This is not Will Ferrell, who also voices the main dog, screaming every line kind of unfunny, this is watching dog sex for an oh my God I can’t believe they did that moment kind of unfunny.

Overall, poor and soul destroying.

0.5/5

Pros.

If you hit your head a few times with a pan it suddenly becomes funny

Cons.

The animal abuse

It isn’t funny

It feels cheap and desperate

All the performances are phoned in