Lord Of The Rings The War Of The Rohirrim: The Death Of The Girl Boss

A footnote from an appendix gets a film made about them, as that helps fight the patriarchy.

So in a world where The Rings Of Power season two can be called ‘the best tv show of the year’, which even though I liked it more than some is simply wrong, we have this film. Hera, voiced by Gaia Wise, is not an overlooked character in the wider works, she simply isn’t a character she’s a throwaway line and that’s fine. The facts of the matter are twofold firstly, this film was only made for rights issues, and secondly that the only reason it focuses on Hera rather than Helm, Brian Cox, you know an actually important character is because of modern day girl boss identity politics.

Hera is automatically fantastic at everything and all of her male counterparts are either stupid or evil, or both. Moreover, the film throws things from the original trilogy at you such as Saruman, voiced by Christopher Lee, but this is little more than nostalgia bait. I will admit I showed up after hearing bad things about the film because of the respect I have for Lee and I wanted to see what the film would do with him, considering he’s been dead for almost a decade. The few lines, and I mean like two or three, are fine it sounds like Lee but sadly it is not impactful and just feels like more member berries.

If WBD could move away from identity politics and accept that the blue hairs on X will never like Tolkien and that’s fine we don’t need them in the fandom and actually started properly adapting things like Unfinished Tales with respectful artistic license then they could have major hits on their hands, but they need to do better than this. It will flop like Furiosa did for them earlier in the year, and the take away lesson for them is this, the girl boss is dead the folks rose up and said no more to the stoic Karens and we now live in a post girl boss age.

Overall, a waste of time and money

1.5/5

Pros.

It shows us some classic book locations

The animation looks nice

Cons.

It is too long

Hera is a bland character

It is a girl boss narrative through and through

Canonically there are problems with it

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That Christmas: An Epitaph To The Sorry State Of Modern Britain

Summary

Richard Curtis should retire and Netflix should issue a public apology.

Where to start with That Christmas? There are so many things wrong with it that I honestly don’t know.

First and foremost it doesn’t understand the UK, it was written by an Englishman and yet it depicts a south coastal city in the winter as having knee deep snow and having frozen ponds and bodies of water. For those of you not familiar with UK weather that is incredibly unlikely unless maybe you were at high altitude or it was particularly cold but otherwise it is nonsense.

Then you have all of your horrible and dating ‘modern day tropes’ one of the characters is really into militant veganism and so releases all of the Turkey’s to die or later be recaptured, another goes off on multiple climate change lectures and of course has all the answers despite being a child. Then there is the fetishisation of the NHS, our free public health service here in the UK if you’re unfamiliar, with their being a whole subplot about a single mother, voiced by Jodie Whittaker, being selfless and working on Christmas Day and needing to be treated like a queen when she returns home. It has the sickening and fake over sentimentality of when people were banging pots and pans in Tribute to the NHS during the pandemic. She is doing her job, and arguably being a bad parent, yet we are supposed to give her some applause? Of course every different race imaginable is depicted as it’s a Netflix film and they don’t seem to understand that not every part of every country is the same as what they see on the streets of LA, especially not the monied parts of southern England.

Finally, it struggles as a Christmas film without a message. All good Christmas films have a message as well as being entertaining, but what does this film have to say? Communities should come together? Christmas is about the people and not the presents? Old people caused global warming and so are evil? All of these things have been said before, more intelligently and with more depth, by trying so hard to appeal to a modern audience the film is left saying nothing.

Overall, Netflix spits in your face and tells you it is Christmas snow.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It doesn’t understand the UK at all

It is horribly dated

It is cringe

It feels the need to lecture

It has nothing new to say

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Mufasa: Disney Are Hunting Their IPs into Extinction

Summary

Disney continues to mine their IPs.

So this is a hard to like film, it has no reason to exist, it is based on a straight to video sequel/prequel that few watched and fewer still like, it has a lead cast solely based on nepotism and of course her dad may have abused an underage girl. All of these things create a negative air surrounding the film and try as you might it is hard to separate the two.

I decided to give the film the benefit of the doubt and attend, and honestly my major emotion with it was boredom. It is more of the same we saw in 2019 with the photo realistic CGI animation that lacks any of the warmth or the charm of the original animated film. I never saw the direct to video sequel/prequel that this film is based off of so I cannot say how well of a translation this is to that.

The new Lioness is of course a girl boss and she has to have no respect for her ancestors in anyway, as they are inherently stupid and male. Blue Ivy Carter, Beyonce and Jay Z’s nepo baby, doesn’t manage anything above a flat tone for her few scenes, but she didn’t get the role based on acting ability.

The actual ‘main’ story following Mufasa is about what you would expect nothing too shocking, and in that rests the issue with this film. It just doesn’t justify its existence.

Overall, a soulless, mirthless, waste of time.

1/5

Pros.

It is over quickly enough

Cons.

It is boring

It is nothing new

It has girl boss elements

It is a rehash and truly feels like an IP being mined

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A Christmas Carol: Jim Carry Does A Yorkshire Accent

Summary

A Christmas Carol is animated and Jim Carrey attempts to do a Yorkshire accent.

As a child this was my favourite version of the Dicken’s classic, however, now watching it all these years later I find it has rather lost its charm. In many senses this suffers from the same sort of problem as The Polar Express and that is to say that the animation leans a little too closely into the uncanny valley and comes off as quite menacing and upsetting at times.

I appreciated Carrey’s performance and thought it was a high point of the film for sure, even his questionable Yorkshire accent for the Ghost of Christmas Present. His Scrooge really does feel the part in a way that a lot of the other on screen depictions just don’t.

I would argue that the ending needs a bit of work as when the transformation happens and Scrooge becomes nice rather than this feeling happy and like a personality shifted, it comes across a little bit manic here and a little as though Scrooge is having a breakdown. I would have said a positive but more subdued performance would have worked better here than a louder and more over the top one.

Overall, though a novel idea to animated the classic Christmas tale it is not without its issues.

2.5/5

Pros.

Carrey

Some impressive visuals

It is entertaining

Cons.

The animation can be too uncanny valley

The ending is a little too manic

It has pacing issues

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Spellbound: Rachel Zegler Is Banned From The Press Tour

Summary

Kids learn about the wonders of divorce from an early age.

So the plot of this film is that a royal couple argue a lot and it turns them into monsters and only when they realise that they cannot be together any more can they turn back into their old selves. Is that message on the nose enough for you? Or does it need to reach into your living room and clip you around the ears?

Moreover, the film stars one of the most unlikeable people in Hollywood right now in Rachel Zegler, who is an overly opinionated young person who thinks she knows better than people twice her age. The question is am I talking about Zegler the person or her character in the film? It’s a trick question, the answer is both.

Furthermore, even with all of that aside the film has no charm, when you consider that the director is the same person who directed the original Shrek one of the most charming animated films ever, you are left to question what happened?

Overall, Skydance animation really need to overhaul their approach because so far they have been making dud after dud and surely they can’t afford to keep that going forever.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons

Zegler

The message

It is generic

It is badly paced

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Moana Two: Sailing The Seas Of Mediocrity

Summary

We take to the seas once again, why? Well there isn’t really a reason for that.

This film is one of the worst written animated films I have seen in a long while. It is abundantly clear that Disney just think that kids and families will eat up any old slop so what’s the point trying to make it good.

Moreover, much like more soulful animated fare from this year like The Wild Robot there is no charm here. They try and have it be oh this is a big emotional journey and it wants to make you feel, but you don’t. It is hollow and soulless and at times feels like they have taken the carcass of the first film ripped any remaining meat from its withered bones and just thrown it out in cinemas.

I question narratively what is the point in this film it doesn’t really change the status quo all that much and it doesn’t develop the characters in any meaningful way, it just feels like you’re going through the motions repeating things you liked more in the previous film.

Overall, don’t waste your kids life on substandard animated films.

1/5

Pros.

The water looks pretty

Cons.

It is a cash grab

It adds nothing to the characters or the world

It has no charm

It is boring

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Rick And Morty Season 7 Season Overview

Summary

Rick and Morty matures.

After the end of season 6 I had taken somewhat of a break from the show, and so returning now I didn’t know quite what to expect especially with a new voice actors.

However, I found it to be far more of a meditative and contemplative of a season than I was expecting it to be. What I notice was a more overt shift in Rick’s character, he cares more about his family than ever before, this season really feels very therapeutic for Rick as a character.

I found the wrapping up of the prime Rick storyline to be interesting, I am glad they didn’t drag it out. I thought bringing back evil Morty in more positive role was an interesting choice I am surprised they went there, however, after seeing it I am glad they did.

Another thing I noticed is that this season has a number of one off episodes yet they feel from connected to the other episodes, there is not this question, this battle between continuity random silly fun to wed here in a much more fluid way. I think this is reflective of the writing evolving with the show.

This season certainly brought me back to the fold, however, I would say that it was surprisingly sparse on things for the wider family and side characters to do, it was a very Rick and Morty season. Whilst I like the focus being on these two I do also like to see the family developed and explored so that was missed.

Overall, a solid season with good character work

4/5

Pros.

Rick

Morty

Blending continuity with serialization

The more mature themes

Cons.

A lack of family centered episodes

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The Wild Robot: Rewilding In The Extreme

Summary

A robot lands on a planet and tries to help them complete tasks.

So on the surface of it this film doesn’t have much going for it, the premise is a little uninspired and doesn’t do much to get you to engage with the film, however, the film really manages to deliver on the emotional stakes.

I found the film to be quite emotionally impactful and I really ended up caring about the interpersonal relationships of the characters by the end of it. I would argue that this emotional resonance manages to balance out the lack of charm, as unlike other DreamWorks’ film such as Shrek this film didn’t have the same sort of personability or even humour.

I would say that Lupita Nyong’o was the right choice for the role of the robot as she doesn’t have to put in much in the way of emotion into her performance. A lack of emotion seems to be a hallmark of Nyong’o’s acting style.

Overall, an emotional rollercoaster of a film without much charm on the character side of things

3/5

Pros.

The emotion

The ending

The animation

Cons.

A lack of charm

Nyong’o

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Legend Of The Tomb Raid: Series Overview

Summary

Haley Atwell’s turn as Lara Croft is a botch from top to bottom.

It is such a shame to say that Hayley Atwell who was a great fit for Croft, though I would have gone live action, is really wasted here. The series feels very generic and as thought it could be based on anything, the series doesn’t seem to understand the games at all.

Moreover, the physicality of Lara Croft with her looking jacked and pretty masculine doesn’t track either, in the games she doesn’t look like that, in no other fiction is she shown in such a way. That is also true for the fact that now Lara is BI a detail that again has no origin in anything other than it’s a Netflix show so of course she is now.

Crucially the series doesn’t have any of the heart or the fun of the games, raiding tombs doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom and action Lara does have a softer and funnier side, and that is actually shown in the games.

Overall, Netflix has done what it does with everything .

0.5/5

Pros.

It isn’t as bad as it could have been

Cons.

Netflix modernise it

It has nothing to do with the games or the character

It wastes Atwell

It has no fun or heart

It makes Lara look masculine

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Velma: Mindy Kaling’s Career Just Won’t Die

Summary

Velma, voiced by Mindy Kailing, cannot do us all a favour and die and so has to come back as a snarky and thoroughly unlikeable ghost.

Bitter is the word I would use to describe this special, bitter was a word that encapsulated the whole of Velma’s run. Now I know that it was possible but unlikely that win they filmed this they knew it had been cancelled, but it feels as though this special is aware of its cancellation and wants to get in as many jabs as it can in order to settle scores.

We get a repeat of all of Kailing’s classic lines, such as how she fetishes white guys whilst also having all her characters be super liberal and hate them. She is quirky and insecure yet demands to be the centre of attention all the time. Finally who could forget making the whole affair as sordid and needlessly unpleasant just for the hell of it. It was always clear that Kailing and co had no respect for the source material when they made this show but once again we get that point hammered home for us.

Does this special serve as a fitting end for the series? No, ultimately it chooses to go out flipping everyone, audience included, off one last time rather than trying to set out any meaningful closure for the characters or hint at somethings yet to come.

Overall, this special was just as hateful as you would expect. All I can say is at least it is over now

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It shouldn’t exist

It is hateful

It doesn’t offer an ending or any kind of closure

It is obnoxious

It is unfunny

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