Back To The Future: Marty’s Mother Is Sexually Abusive

A classic doesn’t hold up.

I recently watched this film after not having watched it in years, it was not a great experience.

Some films from the Eighties hold up and pass the test of time and some don’t I would argue this is the latter. Firstly, the stuff with Marty and his mother which is played for laughs is really quite an odd choice and is creepy. Marty is being constantly sexually harassed and at times quasi assaulted and yet this is not a big deal and if anything is just a humorous misunderstanding, lets flip the genders and see if it is still a comfortable viewing experience.

Following on from that is the aggressive amount of product placement that is everywhere. Whilst this could be viewed as gimmicky or a funny thing to laugh at it actually is quite distracting and the more and more it goes on and the more you see the worse it gets. It feels less like you’re watching a film and more like an advert.

The smoking gun for this revisionism is that Marty himself is insufferable, not only is he overly cocky and smug a lot of the time, he doesn’t treat those around him well he treats his dad, back in the past, with contempt for being nerdy, and he takes his girlfriend, in the future, for granted, worse yet he never really gets called out for being the way he is. However, when you watch it back you think if Marty was erased from existence the world wouldn’t be so bad.

Overall, a movie that does not hold up.

2/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has a good soundtrack

Cons.

The stuff with his mother

The product placement

Marty is not a nice person

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Pirates Of The Caribbean World’s End: Bring Back Johnny Depp

Summary

The pirates cast realise that there is no film without Jack Sparrow and so go to Davy Jones’ locker to get him back.

Watching this re-release makes one even more confident in the belief that Johnny Depp is the heart and soul of the Pirates franchise. Not only does his performance anchor the film, but he is a truly likable protagonist, something that modern Hollywood is lacking.

Despite being a long film this film flies by, and has something for everyone with great action, romance and laughs. There is even a little horror peppered in here and there, for people like me. For the most part the film works well across the board.

The main issue with the film is that there are filler scenes that could easily be cut out, as I said earlier for the most part the film is well paced, however, these filler scenes make the film feel just slightly slower at times and that holds the film back.

Moreover, the film leaves far too many lose ends open and I know they thought they were going to do more films, and did, but considering this is the last film with Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom you would think that they would have given them more of a conclusive ending.

Overall, a near perfect film that just has a few slow scenes holding it back.

4/5

Pros

The action

The romance

The comedy and the horror

It feels like a good ending for the franchise and Jack

Cons

Will and Elizabeth deserve a more definitive ending

A few bloated scenes

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The Fountain Of Youth: Indiana Jones For Beta Males

Summary

John Krasinski does his best Indiana Jones impression.

I don’t understand why Apple TV thought we needed a new globetrotting Indiana Jones esque adventure movie. The last Indie film should have been proof enough against that concept.

Moreover, where films like Indiana Jones and National Treasure were commanded by having a strong lead who was believable in the role, here if anything Krasinski is too soft. He doesn’t have the gruff toughness you would want out of this role, he seems far too affable and silly. He simply reads wrong for the part.

As for the adventure itself it is fairly generic nothing you have not seen before, it is a globe trotting adventure for a magical artifact that in the end they don’t end up taking home as it is too dangerous and needs to be left alone. There is nothing particularly new here, it reads as very low effort adventure fare.

The wider cast are a mixed bag, Eiza Gonzalez is there she has some good fights and has reasonably decent chemistry with Krasinski, Natalie Portman is playing Natalie Portman and is taking an easy pay check. The rest of the cast slip my mind.

Overall, this film shows you why you need a good script and crucially a good idea before you go into filming, simply saying oh they are popular and people like Adventure films, a debatable claim at the moment, is not enough.

2/5

Pros.

Gonzales tries her best

There are a few unintentionally funny moments

Cons.

It is badly paced

It is generic

Krasinski is miscast

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Paddington In Peru: A Little Bear Goes A Long Way

Summary

Paddington, Ben Whishaw, goes to Peru.

Perhaps it was because I had been so looking forward to this film for month or because of how big a fan I am of the franchise that I ultimately left this film feeling disappointed.

Now this is still a very good film, it is as charming as ever and it is nice to see Paddington having a number of sweet moments with his aunt, they were genuinely very effecting and made me tear up. The Hugh Grant cameo at the end was also sublime.

I think my issues with the film came threefold, firstly I missed Sally Hawkins in the role of Mrs Brown, Emily Mortimer, was fine but she just didn’t match the same zany energy Hawkins had in the previous two films. Secondly this film missed out for not having Paul King directing it as compared to his style this film felt visually and cinematically a little flat, it felt far more paint by numbers in terms of gags and quirks than the previous two films.

Thirdly, I liked seeing more of Paddington’s back story be explored that was nice and see even smaller cub Paddington was lovely, however, I would have preferred a Windsor Gardens based adventure. That is not just because more of the classic Paddington gang could have been in it such as Peter Capaldi’s Mr Curry, but also because the new setting just didn’t add much to the film overall or give the adventure anymore of a flavour. I suppose what I am getting at is a normal Paddington story is wonderful and quirky and London based this felt like a generic adventure plot line grafted onto a Paddington script.

A final point before we close, Olivia Colman really needs to fire her agent. She has become typecast, and whilst she had a few funny moments and one great musical number here for the most part it is incredibly obvious that she is the villain and she is. All she can seemingly play is manic women often with an evil streak and that’s fine but her schtick is starting to wear out. She needs to play against type soon.

Overall, a good film in many ways but undeniably a step back from the previous two films.

4/5

Pros.

Aunt Lucy

Hugh Grant

More classic Paddington moments

The opening song

Cons.

Sally Hawkins looms large over the film as does Paul King

Olivia Colman is typecast

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Transformers One: A Film No One Wanted

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Transformers prequel no one needed.

Who wanted to see Optimus Prime, Voiced by Chris Hemsworth, and Megatron, voiced by Brian Tyree Henry, as slacker bros before becoming enemies? A grand total of no one. The idea of seeing them almost as spoofs of themselves entirely unserious on Cybertron does take away from them as character and seems frankly incredibly out of character.

Moreover, the fact that they can transform makes no sense as the earliest reference point had them scanning earth vehicles in order to assume disguises, yet now they just turn into cars for no reason, they don’t even have a reference point as they haven’t been to Earth yet.

The fact that after this much time they can’t figure out how to make a crowd pleasing Transformers film is frankly baffling. Bring the cartoon, the original, to life have giant robots fighting and maybe a human side kick for good measure if you need to, they shouldn’t be lead, and the baddies should be bad, not this weak stuff.

Overall, a massive misstep.

1/5

Pros.

It has a few endearing moments

Cons.

It is unnecessary

It makes little sense

It ruins the lore of the series

It is dumb

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Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny: Turning A Southpark Joke Into Reality

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford, becomes a deadbeat dad and gets bullied around by his god daughter, played by Phobe Waller-Bridge.

I find it hard to describe this film as anything other than an assassination. The creatives behind this film wanted to kill off the character of Indiana Jones and it clearly shows, however, rather than meaning that in the sense of a character death they wanted to make him as low and pathetic as they could so no one would care about him anymore.

It takes a long time into the film to see Indiana Jones behave like himself in anyway, I question why anyone over at Lucasfilm thought that what the audience wanted was to see the character deconstructed.

Honestly Waller-Bridge is very hit or miss sometimes she can hit gold and be a really good fit for a project, other times not. Here she just seemed like she was playing a variation of her Fleabag character, which didn’t fit, and became increasingly more unlikeable over the course of the film.

The ending leaves things in a slightly better place then when we started but it just makes you leave asking why did they need to make this film, who was it for, why now, why did they think this would get people back in the door.

Overall, this is a sad disrespectful way to treat one of the most beloved characters in pop culture.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It ruins the character

It didn’t need to be made

Waller-Bridge doesn’t fit

It is badly made, and the pacing is awful

It is a waste of your time

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Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes: Have You Ever Heard Of Devolution, This Franchise Has

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ceaser is dead but now we have a new Ceaser look alike to go through the same exact themes as the last trilogy.

To be fair the new Ceaser doesn’t start off liking humans whereas the old one did, the new one comes to like them by about the first hour of the film so its not a huge difference. I suppose a difference here is that the film is not really about the struggle between men and apes but rather ape on ape war.

However, I think the real issue here is that the stakes are incredibly low. Maximus is supposed to be this Roman esque conqueror yet his beachside community is pretty small, moreover, where he could have been a good antagonist for several films and been built up to be a true nemesis for new Ceaser, he is just offed at the end of the film. It is very underwhelming.

The reason for him being offed is to once again go back to the well of human vs ape conflict because why try and do anything new when you can just repeat the beats of the last trilogy. Honestly, I found the relationship between new Ceaser, and Mae, Freya Allen, to just be stupid. She has sought him out, for a reason implied but never shared, she says how much she needs him but then betrays him, I guess you could say she lied there but then why did the narrative push the bond so much, and then finally she plans to kill him, for once again no reason at all, she could have just left and never seen him again. Mae might as well not have been in the film as she contributed very little, had a baffling motivation and only really existed to be like oh the humans are going to try and fight back.

Overall, this film could have been something great but it lived too much in the past with its fixation on Ceaser and its desire for more ape human conflict, we could have seen Maximus grow and develop and form a civilisation that new Ceaser had to fight against but no some birds killed him.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is interesting to see how the Apes have evolved

It sets up some interesting things for future movies, not the ape vs human stuff

It is fairly well paced

Cons.

The lead character is just Ceaser all over again

The human character makes no sense

They waste Maximus

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The Mummy Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor: In Need Of Rachel Weisz

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The O’Connells, played by Brendan Fraser and now for some reason Maria Bello, take on a new undead foe in the form of the Dragon Emperor, played by Jet Li.

A lot of people hate on this film and for the most part I can totally see why, replacing Weisz with Bello is noticeable mostly because Weisz was as big a part of the series as Fraser so her absence feels odd, not to mention the fact that Fraser and Bello have no chemistry at all. I also don’t like that they make Fraser’s Rick some what of a deadbeat dad and give him a backseat in what should be his own film.

However, that said I do think this film has some redeemable parts to it. For me this mainly comes in seeing new undead threats and moving away from Ancient Egypt, I think this is a great idea as it really helps the film feel different, fresh and expands the world of the film to a great effect. Moreover, both Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh are fantastic in their new roles and really do bring a lot to the film. I think Li in particularly easily fills the shoes of Vosloo from the previous two films and is a commanding presence on screen.

I also really, really like that this film features Yetis, but that is just because I find that cryptid creature fascinating.

Overall, certainly the weakest film in the trilogy but not without redeemable moments.

2.5/5

Pros.

Moving away from Egypt

It feels fresh

The Yetis

Cons.

Weisz not returning

Making Jack a bit player in his own film and pushing the son

The pacing issues are quite noticeable

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The Mummy Returns: Some How They Managed To Make The Effects Even Worse

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The O’Connells, played by Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz, do battle with Imhotep, played by Arnold Vosloo, all over again this time bringing their kid, played by Freddie Boath, along as well.

I think in many ways this film really tries to recapture the magic of the first film and in some ways really succeeds in that quest whilst at the same time drastically failing in other areas. I think on the whole this is a diminished sequel that fails to live up to the first film.

My two main issues with this film are that the iffy CGI and VFX work of the first film is turned up to one hundred here and becomes laughably bad. This really hurts the film as it stops it being scary anymore. In addition the child actor playing the O’Connells kid is really quite terrible and his distractingly bad performance also drags you out of the film. Child actors are rarely good in any film but this one is particularly annoying throughout and this is only made worse by how much the film likes to focus on him.

The two things I will give this film credit for however are, one that they raise the stakes from the first film and really start to flesh out the world as a whole and two that they bring back Ardeth, played by Oded Fehr, from the first film and give him a lot more to do which is nice considering he is one of the most interesting characters in the entire series. I would argue quite passionately that it should have been Ardeth that got the spin-off film and not Dwayne Johnson’s Scorpion King but hey.

Overall, a lesser sequel but one that still gets some stuff right.

3/5

Pros.

The wider scope

Brining back Ardeth and giving the character more to do

Still some good moments and scares

Cons.

The CGI work is awful

The kid is incredibly annoying and the film focuses on him way too much

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The Mummy: Peak Brendan Fraser

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A librarian, played by Rachel Weisz, and her brother, played by John Hannah, travel to Egypt to chase a legend and along the way they meet adventurer Rick O’Connell, played by Brendan Fraser.

I thought after all the recent buzz he has been getting from his performance in The Whale it would be interesting to go back to Brendan Fraser’s arguably biggest film and see if it still holds up. The result, for the most part I would say that yes this film does indeed hold up though in a few areas it wasn’t the classic I remembered it to be. I think this is mainly in the CGI, which is a mixed bag at best, but that is let down by some pretty bad early noughties effects work. This is why practical effects are just so much better because they last the test of time, whereas CGI quickly looks bad, rant over.

That said I still think that this is one of the best universal monster films, outside of the originals. I think what works so well about this film is just how escapist it is, the adventure this film presents is fun to go on be it just the once in the cinema or over and over again. Another feather in this film’s cap is that it works as both a family fantasy movie and a darker horror film for an older age group, both aspects feel represented without forcing the other out and into the cold, this is quite a feat in and off itself.

Finally, I really do think that the most powerful strength of this film is its cast, everyone is firing on all cylinders. Hannah, Weisz and Fraser make for a great trio of heroes, each bringing something different to the table and each giving you a reason to care about them, whilst also having a really strong villain in Arnold Vosloo’s Imhotep.

Overall, a classic in most regards even if the horribly dated effects do drag it down a little.

4/5

Pros.

Fraser, Weisz, Vosloo and Hannah

It is a fun adventure film

It also works as a horror film and has a number of good scares

It is paced well and feels engaging

Cons.

The effects don’t hold up.

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