Rare Exports: Refining The Santa Trade

A Finnish youngster, Onni Tommila, and his father, Jorma Tommila, find wild Santa Clauses and elves after a glacier is drilled and decide to make some money.

So despite the outlandishness of that premise this film is not a comedy, not really, it is more so an action horror film with a silliness to it. I found the film to have a number of scary moments, and I would say the action was strong in the last third of the film, hence I am happy to call it an action horror film. The jokes were few and far between so I wouldn’t say to watch this if you are looking for a laugh.

I found it interesting to see a Christmas film from outside the Anglosphere and to see how they approach it, I am relatively new to Finnish cinema but I must say that they have a way with vistas, between this and the other Finnish film I have seen of Sisu I have to say the Finnish really have an eye for cinematography.

I found the idea of evil Father Christmas/Elves to be refreshingly different and not go in the way I was expecting it too, so that’s a plus as well.

Overall, an interesting and fresh film, with some slight pacing issues.

4/5

Pros.

It is fresh

It has some good scares

The action is also good

The ending sets up interesting prospects for the future

Cons.

Pacing issues

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Venom The Last Dance: Going Down Dancing

Summary

Venom goes out with a bang.

I liked this more than Let There Be Carnage in a number of ways, I thought the Eddie, Tom Hardy, and Venom relationship was better here and felt less clawing with the humour. You do believe the bond between the two and in the end when it looks like Venom dies you do feel that emotional gut punch.

I also liked seeing Knull, Andy Serkis, and the threat posed by him. I know Venom isn’t really dead but I would genuinely like a fourth film where Venom has to rally the SSU Avengers and get them together with a Spider-person in order to fight Knull. It would be a spectacle not on the level of Endgame but certainly on the level of Days Of Future Past.

I think the human villain played by Baron Mordo, is a bit one note and week. I would argue that Chiwetel Ejiofor is wasted in the role, and that his character is not given much in terms of character, he hates symbiotes and then he doesn’t. Its very night and day and reeks of a bad script.

Overall, a slight sad ending that sets up genuinely interesting things for the future.

3/5

Pros.

Eddie and Venom

The emotion

Knull

Cons.

The human villain

A weak script

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Gladiator II: The Hip Hop Modern Day Sequel No One Wanted

Summary

Give the people reheated slop and will they not eat of it?

So where to begin with this, could it be in all the homoeroticism they put into it as rather than just allowing it to be a film for men to enjoy with the violent spectacle of it all, we now have everything to have to have an LGBTQ+ undertone otherwise that one blue haired woman online will call the filmmakers ists and phobes.

Could it be that the first film ended on just the right note as to feel well wrapped up and as such a sequel felt incredibly unnecessary and only done for the money? As this film does little to add to the first, you could argue that it tries its best to pay tribute to it, but it does so in such a small way that in the end it doesn’t even matter.

Fresh off the indie circuit Paul Mescal is placed into a leading action role, even though the idea of him as a leading man is questionable. In terms of being an action hero he has none of the swagger and is easily upstaged by Denzel Washington at almost every turn, maybe that was contracted in.

I think the major issue with this film is that it is entirely needless and it feels like that to watch it.

Overall, a waste of everyone’s time and money

1.5/5

Pros.

It has one good fight scene

Cons.

They try and modernise it

It doesn’t need to exist

Paul Mescal isn’t an action lead

It is badly paced and structured

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Red One: Santa Clause Runs Guantanamo Bay

Summary

Captain America and Black Adam save Christmas.

This film is everything a Christmas film should be fun, festive and silly. It never takes itself too seriously and that is only too it’s benefit.

It is questionable who this film is for as there are very adult moments such as when Chris Evans burns the side of a snowman’s face off, and also learning about Santa Claus and his team using enhanced interrogation techniques, however if you go with the weirdness there’s a lot of laughs to have. I would argue that is still safe for families.

The duo themselves have some charm I would say of all of Dwayne Johnson’s pairings this is quite middle of the road, he was better with Emily Blunt. The characters and their journeys are fairly stock and generic and you have seen all of this before, but you also not coming to this for great character work, you are coming to it to see Krampus arrive in the third act to save the day very much like an Avengers esque moment.

The choice of villain in Sabrina’s own Kiernan Shipka is odd. The idea of this teen girl bossing around men three times if not more her size is a little bit absurd however this is a film that has talking polar bears so maybe absurd is it’s bread and butter. When she reverts to her troll form at the end of the film then she is far more of a menacing threat.

Overall, a silly and fun Christmas film.

4.5/5

Pros.

It is fun

It is silly

It has great world building

It is imaginative

The duo are charming enough

Cons.

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Hellboy The Crooked Man: Rivaling del Toro

Summary

Hellboy, Jack Kesy, is back.

Despite this film coming and going and getting zero fanfare at all I actually rather enjoyed it. This film set itself apart from previous iterations of Hellboy in two key ways, firstly rather than being a fantasy action film this was straight horror, and secondly rather than focusing on Hellboy’s destiny as the right hand of doom it instead focused on his mother. Both of these things helped the film to feel fresh.

In terms of horror, this film’s low-fi feel add it to the horror by making it feel more gritty and real, the practical effects work also went a long way to giving the film an atmosphere and a more realistic edge. The film’s villain I would say is the most effective of all of the iterations and has some genuinely creepy moments.

My one complaint of the film would be that it felt like a sequel, by that I mean the film assumed a certain level of knowledge around Hellboy’s origins and back story, and starts you off in the middle of an adventure. Personally, I think for people unfamiliar with the character this could be quite confusing.

Overall, a novel new direction.

4/5

Pros.

The horror

The practical effects

The tone

It feels like a Hellboy adventure ripped straight out of the comic

Cons.

It is not very accessible for new watchers

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Legend Of The Tomb Raid: Series Overview

Summary

Haley Atwell’s turn as Lara Croft is a botch from top to bottom.

It is such a shame to say that Hayley Atwell who was a great fit for Croft, though I would have gone live action, is really wasted here. The series feels very generic and as thought it could be based on anything, the series doesn’t seem to understand the games at all.

Moreover, the physicality of Lara Croft with her looking jacked and pretty masculine doesn’t track either, in the games she doesn’t look like that, in no other fiction is she shown in such a way. That is also true for the fact that now Lara is BI a detail that again has no origin in anything other than it’s a Netflix show so of course she is now.

Crucially the series doesn’t have any of the heart or the fun of the games, raiding tombs doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom and action Lara does have a softer and funnier side, and that is actually shown in the games.

Overall, Netflix has done what it does with everything .

0.5/5

Pros.

It isn’t as bad as it could have been

Cons.

Netflix modernise it

It has nothing to do with the games or the character

It wastes Atwell

It has no fun or heart

It makes Lara look masculine

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Transformers One: A Film No One Wanted

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Transformers prequel no one needed.

Who wanted to see Optimus Prime, Voiced by Chris Hemsworth, and Megatron, voiced by Brian Tyree Henry, as slacker bros before becoming enemies? A grand total of no one. The idea of seeing them almost as spoofs of themselves entirely unserious on Cybertron does take away from them as character and seems frankly incredibly out of character.

Moreover, the fact that they can transform makes no sense as the earliest reference point had them scanning earth vehicles in order to assume disguises, yet now they just turn into cars for no reason, they don’t even have a reference point as they haven’t been to Earth yet.

The fact that after this much time they can’t figure out how to make a crowd pleasing Transformers film is frankly baffling. Bring the cartoon, the original, to life have giant robots fighting and maybe a human side kick for good measure if you need to, they shouldn’t be lead, and the baddies should be bad, not this weak stuff.

Overall, a massive misstep.

1/5

Pros.

It has a few endearing moments

Cons.

It is unnecessary

It makes little sense

It ruins the lore of the series

It is dumb

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Borderlands: How Not To Adapt A Videogame

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A popular game series is turned into a film by someone who has never played the games before.

Who didn’t see this coming? I think right from the moment the public was first introduced to this film red flags began to appear everywhere. From stunt or joke casting to the way it ripped off what Guardians does with music and the score, there were clear indicators that this film was going to be bad. However, after watching it I can say that it is not offensively bad nor is it terrible, for the most part it is just boring and cheaply made.

I found the action and the games references to at least be somewhat entertaining even if they were incredibly hollow, it was very much look kids there is something from the game remember sans any of the emotional attachment or enjoyment of it. They got in a lot of references but did precious little with each one.

Moreover, the fact that they made it a 12 here in the UK, so a PG 13 if you’re American, was a terrible move. Not the least because most of those who grew up playing the game are now adults and so are ready to see the blood and gore of the games replicated but don’t get it, but also with the fact that the kids this film is aimed are not even old enough to play the games legally.

It is also quite odd that Roth and co decided to have all of the women in the film be about two decades older than their games counterparts? Was this done to bring in older women to watch it , I wouldn’t think it would be there sort of thing. Cate Blanchett was not very convincing during her action scenes and I must say it wasn’t helped by the terrible wig they had her wear.

Overall, there is no point making a film like this if you don’t have a passion for the game and clearly no one involved with this project had any passion for the games.

1.5/5

Pros.

Some funny lines

The action was okay

Cons.

Cate Blanchett, Hart and Lee-Curtis were badly miscast

It wasn’t funny

The lack of gore was disappointing

It was incredibly average

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The Crow: The Remake From Hell

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Bill Skarsgard puts on some face paint and cosplays as Eric Draven.

This film was doomed from the off, there was jus too much of a bad taste associated with this remake in the light of Brandon Lee’s death. As I have said before if it had been set in the same universe but with other characters then it probably wouldn’t be as hated as it is, but alas here we are.

Another thing that horribly dates this film is the fact that rather than try to keep to the look from the first film here instead making Eric look like a hot topic reject. Even when the Crow makeup goes on it just looks like a cheap Youtube parody.

In a sense this is very true of the film as a whole, it reads as though it is trying to remake the original to stand alongside it, or maybe even best it, but rather than do any of those things it comes off as an overly serious parody film. I even question whether Skarsgard was miscast.

Overall, a terrible and incredibly unnecessary remake.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

The look is all wrong

It doesn’t seem to understand what made the first film popular

It feels at best like a parody

It is an insult to Brandon Lee’s legacy

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The Crow: The Darkest Of Angels

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A true icon of 90 cinema.

Every day I think about the fact that they are remaking a film that never needed to be remade. Apologies for talking about the no doubt awful 2024 remake of The Crow, but after watching a re-release of this film recently I am now convinced but there is no hope for the remake and that it is ultimately disrespectful.

There is something so grimy so comic booky about this film that has just been lost in the modern comic book film landscape. The closest comparison point could be Sin City but those films are over a decade old now. In a sense this film reads more as a comic book come to life than anything else, it bleeds off the page, the rawness of the comic book which inspired this film helps to create the world and the emotion that drives it.

The styling and atmosphere of the film is instantly memorable and was the inspiration for goths and emos everywhere, as truly this character feels like an underdog that people can relate to, with the journey to avenge his late girlfriend truly being a thing of catharsis in the film. You are cheering him on every step of the way and can relate to him in an emotional sense that other more traditional superheroes don’t allow for.

There are a few scenes such as the rooftop guitar scene that come off by a modern sensibility as a little cheesy now, however despite the cheesiness being present it only serves to enhance the film overall and make it if anything more likeable. The film feels like the very best cross between action, horror and comic book films and in that sense there’s something there for everyone.

Perhaps I have a soft spot for the film as it was such an influential film for me growing up and one I watched many times, so perhaps I have a warmness to it that others may not. However, I believe that this is one of the best superhero/comic book films of the 1990s with the only competition being Blade.

Moreover, Brandon Lee manages to make the character both are force of nature in terms of action but also one that has a comedic side and a sentimental side allowing for a character to read as three dimensional.

Overall, this film is a cult classic for a reason and it still holds up now.

4.5/5

Pros.

The action

The world

The relatability

The ending

The aesthetic

Cons.

The cheesier moments won’t be for all tastes

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