Christmas With You: A Sleazey Christmas Message

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A famous singer, played by Andi Garcia, decides to spend Christmas with a fan, played by Deja Monique Cruz, whose TikTok video she likes, and whilst she is there she also decides to hook up with the fan’s dad, played by Freddie Prinze Jr.

Honestly, I just thought this was fairly boring, it wasn’t so bad it was good nor was it redeemable or even enjoyable in any way. As I approached the two thirds mark I was checking to see how long was left which highlights how much of a slog this film is to get through, it is really just aggressively average.

The worst thing about this film is just how little chemistry the two leads have, there is a moment in the final few minutes of the film where they have their big first kiss of the film and it couldn’t be more cold if they were trying for it.

Moreover, there is inherently something a bit icky about a star coming to spent time with her teen fan and then hooking up with her dad and becoming her new stepmother. I don’t know it struck a weird and not wanted chord with me.

Overall, a deeply meh Christmas film that you can easily give a miss.

Pros.

It is watchable

It does have some unintentional humour

It is nice to see Freddie Prinze Jr back on screens again

Cons.

It is boring and a slog to watch

The premise is a bit icky

The leads have no chemistry at all

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Falling For Christmas: Lohan Is Back

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hotel heiress, played by Lindsey Lohan, has her life turned upside down when she get short term amnesia and is nursed back to health at a ski lodge.

It is nice to see Lohan back, after being away for so long and dealing with so much, she definitely is the life and soul of this film making for a great female lead who is easy to warm to and whose evolution over the course of the film you can both feel and see on screen.

However, even she and her pretty good chemistry with her co-star Chord Overstreet, aren’t enough to save this film from all the hallmarks and cliches of these so bad there good Christmas films. Everything feels very formulaic and happens exactly as you would expect it when you would expect it to, there is no shock and nothing deviates from the trite script. This does takeaway from any potential stakes that the film might have as ultimately you know where this film is going at all times.

Another mark against this film comes from how long it spends talking about all the influencer stuff at the start of the film, it reads like a ninety year old talking about how the youth of today are and it is cringe as hell. Honestly the influencer character of Tad, played by George Young, makes the whole opening ten minutes of this film borderline unwatchable.

Overall, Lohan tries her best but the formulaic nature of this film holds it back.

Pros.

Lohan

The chemistry

Quite a few sweet moments

Cons.

Tad and all the influencer stuff

It is incredibly generic and formulaic

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The Holiday Calendar

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A psychic advent calendar helps a young woman, played by Kat Graham, to see her future.

I will admit this film’s premise has some goofy appeal, a psychic advent calendar at least feels fresh, I haven’t seen one of them in a Christmas film before, however this freshness is quickly undone as the calendar is merely used as a means to an end to enter into the usual holiday rom-com cliches.

Indeed it seems I hoped for too much with this film as it quickly becomes generic. All of the rom-com cliches and tropes are dusted off and forced out on stage for good measure, the love triangle feels incredibly obvious in where it is leading and there are no stakes at all in the whole thing as we all know how it is going to end.

The acting is all fairly sub-par and for Graham who I know can act because she was okay on The Vampire Diaries this is clearly her slumming it for an easy paycheck.

Overall, even the whacky premise can’t save this film from becoming a bag of cliches and tropes.

Pros.

The goofy premise

It is watchable

Cons.

The pacing

It is generic

It is nothing you haven’t already seen before

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We Wish You A Married Christmas: Cute Alpacas To The Rescue

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A married couple check in to a B and B over the Christmas period in order to try and fix their marriage.

Really the main selling point for me of this film is the Alpacas, I really like Llamas and Alpacas and seeing one on the poster for this film is what made me want to check it out. For the most part the Alpacas aren’t really featured but when they are it is the best moments of the film.

Really everything else about this film is deeply generic and makes the film hard to watch. It is a slog to get through and the central couple have no chemistry at all and instead feel throughout the film, even in the end when they are supposed to be happy with each other again, as though they hate each other.

The pacing is also really incredibly bad, and the film feels like it is on for double or even triple its runtime.

Overall, some cute Alpacas aren’t enough to keep you watching throughout this film, as boring as it gets for bad Christmas films.

Pros.

The Alpacas

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is tedious to sit through

It is deeply generic

The romantic leads have no chemistry at all

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Christmas Under Wraps: Santa Claus Is Real

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A doctor, played by Candace Cameron Brue, moves to Alaska and wouldn’t you know it she falls in love with both small town life and with one of the local sons.

Again this is nothing new, you have seen this same movie reskinned time and time again especially if like me you enjoy watching bad Hallmark Christmas films. This goes beyond being simply formulaic and feels like instead there is a check list of things that need to be ticked off one by one, something mimicking whole moments from other films.

However, where this film shone for me was in the fact that the male lead’s father, played by Brian Doyle-Murray, was actually Father Christmas. Most of these films stick to a samey formula that always boils down to the same conclusion, however, I liked that this film got a little zany and went for something quite different.

The performances aren’t very good, with Brue being especially bad. Although, what do you expect from a Hallmark film.

Overall, I like that they went there with it, but otherwise it was a very by the numbers sort of project.

Pros.

The leap into fantasy

It is unintentionally funny

The pacing

Cons.

Brue doesn’t give a good performance and her character is hard to like

It is very samey and formulaic

The ending feels rushed

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Maple Valley Christmas: The Christmas Rom-Com Every Incel Needs

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The unlikely love story of a rancher and a property developer.

I think in many ways this is an incredibly cliched Christmas rom-com, it did nothing new, everything was incredibly predictable and the ending could have been seen coming from a mile away. It is by no means a good film.

What saves the film to a degree for me is the chemistry between female lead Peyton List and male lead Andrew K. Walker, both of them gave good performances, particularly List, and appeared as quite a genuine and believable couple on screen.

However, in the quality of their romance lies another problem of the film and that is some quite toxic elements. These can best be found in two scenes where Walker’s character uses straight up incel logic and negging to get List’s character to apologies to him and behave how he wants. These scenes are quite problematic and do take away from the enjoyment of the film quite a bit.

Overall, it has some good moments but the incel vibes drag it down.

Pros.

List

The romance

Cons.

The incel vibes

The pacing

It is incredibly generic

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Bros: Insulting Your Audience

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The first big studio rom-com to feature same sex leads, if you ignore Love Simon and a few others.

Honestly I just didn’t think this film was very funny. Somewhere in between all the jokes about how straight people are lame and the gross out sex gags I found myself questioning why for such an important film for a number of reasons they didn’t do their best to at least give it a good script and a few passable jokes. The humour of this film is at times aggressively unfunny and by that I mean that the film is actively angry at you for not laughing along with it, thinking that every joke made is the peak of comedy and that you are just a philistine for not laughing.

Another thing going against this film is the star Billy Eichner. Now I have seen Eichner before in a few other things and I stand by the idea that in small doses his particular shtick is funny, however, being exposed to it for over an hour proves to be unbearable. Additionally, Eichner’s character really isn’t particularly likeable and I found it hard to root for his happiness. Adding to that are the comments Eichner has made post release wherein he has said the reason the film has underperformed is not because of a weak script or unfunny jokes but because audiences are homophobic. Though this is true to an extent, it reeks of someone on the defensive lashing out because their ego got hurt, it also does nothing to make an audience want to see the movie because why support a star who is calling them names?

Overall, this film is important there is no doubt about that, but sadly what we got was incredibly mediocre with a leading man who is ill suited to the task.

Pros.

It is an important step forward for diversity within film

It is watchable

Cons.

Eichner is no leading man

It is unfunny

It has terrible pacing

It repeatedly lampoons straight people and then expects that audience to come out and support the film.

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Ticket To Paradise: A Holiday To The Cinema

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two bitterly divorced parents, played by Julia Roberts and George Clooney, must team up to try and prevent their daughter, played by Kaitlyn Dever, from getting married.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with this film. It was nothing new or particularly surprising, but it was comforting. It was like a warm mug of soup on a hot day, you have had it before but it provides a nice escape from the winters day outside. In my mind this film did what all good films should do, it provided you with a nice breezy escape from reality. It entertains you for a few hours and ultimately it doesn’t need to do more than that.

I think George Clooney and Julia Roberts have great chemistry together, and the formers case it made me realise just how much I had missed seeing him on-screen. I think if the film had different leads it would have worked a lot less and the cornier elements of the narrative might have stuck out more for the wrong reasons, as it is the two bring a lot to the film. An interesting thing to note in terms of performance is that Dever gets totally out shone by Billie Lourd who plays her best friend. Dever doesn’t bring much to the film and could have easily been replaced by a number of other actors to minimal effect, Lourd though however is a scene stealer across the film.

Overall, this film feels like a warm hug from a friend you haven’t seen in a while.

Pros.

Roberts

Clooney

Lourd

It is a lot of escapist fun

Cons.

It is nothing new

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Nice Guys Sleep Alone: You’ll Need A Shower After This One

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Films like this are why we have incels.

The idea that ‘nice guys finish last’ is the hallmark of the dirty unwashed guys who show up to dates with BO and stained clothes and then proceed to neg the girl they are trying to court and then get surprised when they don’t want to be with them. In short it is the motto of the loser. This film really does run with that message as the lead, played by Sean O’Bryan, loses girl after girl because he is just too nice and then when he finally decided to be a dick to his next romantic interest she only wants nice guys. Firstly, if a girl doesn’t like you because you are too nice that is on her, no one should ever change you in a relationship, however the idea that being a dick is a way to attract a mate is equally flawed and toxic.

I understand there is a degree of satire going on here, but honestly this whole film reeked of pick up artist slime to me, and as such I could not warm to the lead at all, in fact if anything the fact that he was prepared to turn into a dick to try and get girls shows that he wasn’t a nice guy at all and that he was in fact a slimy loser who deserved to end up alone, but because this is a rom-com we can’t have that. Ah the toxic and widely problematic romantic comedy subgenre everyone. Maybe we weren’t supposed to like him at all.

Overall, though it is trying to satirise dating culture this film feels like a relic better left behind.

Pros.

Occasionally it is unintentionally funny

Cons.

The satire doesn’t really land

It is toxic

It is not fun to watch

Few to none of the characters are at all likeable

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Spin Me Round: Spilling Sauce

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A restaurant manger wins a trip to Italy and a whirlwind romance begins, then quickly ends.

This to me marked me returning to the Baena path, I really enjoyed Life After Beath and The Little Hours, but Horse Girl really turned me off in a big way, however I am pleased to say he is back on form here.

I found this to be both comfort viewing whilst also having Baena signature absurdist uncomfortability. I liked that the romance was atypical and that at the end of the film Alison Brie’s lead did not go back to her sleezy lothario, I think in many ways this film acts as an antidote for the miles upon miles of toxic rom-coms out there that suggest even incredibly problematic behaviour can be made up for just with a grand gesture.

Moreover, the continued electric chemistry between Aubrey Plaza and Alison Brie, which can be referenced again in Baena’s The Little Hours, is on strong form here and the scenes that the two actors share steal the film. My one complaint in this regard would be that Plaza’s character disappears midway into the film and you find yourself wishing that she would return. However, that wish is never realised.

The main reason I have given this film a 4 and not a 5 is because though it is good and enjoyable for a number of different reasons, I didn’t find it to have stuck in my mind after watching. This staying power is usually the hallmark of a 5.

Overall, fun but not memorable.

Pros.

The chemistry between Plaza and Brie

It is very watchable

The ending acts as a balm to the many injustices of the rom-com genre

The absurdist elements

Cons.

It is good not great

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