Return To Silent Hill: Return To 2000

Summary: A man ventures back to a town he used to live in to find a lost love.

If you haven’t played any of the Silent Hill games but particularly Silent Hill 2 you will not understand what’s going on, this is a very direct translation of the games in many ways and a lot will be lost if you haven’t played them.

There is such a 2000s feel to this film and it really isn’t something you see much of these days. The grime, the colour saturation all of it feels like something that has been lost.

The main negative of the film is that it moves incredibly slowly, at almost 2 hours even the biggest fan will be checking their phone to see how long is left before the end credits roll.

Overall, if you enjoyed the game and want to experience it again, but don’t want to replay it and want instead to spend extra money then watching this film is just the ticket.

Pros.

It is a faithful creation

It has some good horror moments

The ending

Cons.

It is slow

It is hard to see what’s going on at times

If you haven’t played the games you’ll be lost

2/5

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28 Years Later Bone Temple: Ralph Fiennes Gets His Goth On

Summary, after deciding to stay on the road Spike joins up with the Jimmy Saville gang.

The film does not explain why Lord Jimmy and the other Jimmies take their name from Jimmy Saville, the well known child abuser, but hey maybe that will come up in a future film.

I would say that this film is more consistent than the first, as in it feels like one film not two cut into one. However, this film feels like a spin off rather than a sequel. It feels disconnected in some ways from the first film, Aaron Taylor Johnson set off looking for his son at the end of the first film yet isn’t in this at all.

Jack O’Connell has a lot of great scenes as Sir Jimmy and this is certainly his film. It is horrifying to explore the warped psychology of the Jimmies and the film is right to focus on them. However, there is a Mary Sue here, one of the female Jimmies later revealed to be called Kelly wipes out scores of her fellow Jimmies who are bigger than her with ease. This is irritating, the film could have fixed this with one line of dialogue saying she had been with the Jimmies longer than the others and so was more brutal or hardened.

Fiennes has a lot of fun jumping around and pretending to be the Devil, that bit is fun, but the rest of his bonding with Sampson and their comedic misadventures misreads the tone of the film and can be a bit distractingly silly at times.

Seeing Cillian Murphy return at the end and hearing the theme of the original film is a cheer worthy moment to end on. It will be interesting to see where Hannah is.

Overall, a more consistent film than the first Years later, but let down by a triumvirate of tone issues, disconnection from the first film and Mary Sue energy.

3.5/5

Pros

Jack O’Connell and the Jimmies

Ralph Fiennes pretending to be the Devil

Seeing more of the world

Cillian Murphy’s return

Cons.

Whilst likeable Kelly is a Mary Sue

The tone is wildly off going from a scene of people having their skin cut off to nude dancing for no reason.

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Primate: So It Has Come To This

Summary: A monkey goes bad after being bitten by a rabid animal.

Truly we are at the bottom of the barrel, rather than come up with fresh concepts we are recycling the same old idea of animal attack films. How many times do we need to see bad dogs, bad monkeys, bad sharks. It’s all the same.

This film is exactly what you would expect it to be, bad teen cast, that cannot act, being hunted down by a monkey. Again does it follow logic or make sense, nope, do the human characters behave like people with brains? Of course not.

The scares aren’t there as if anything the film is frustrating, you could easily escape the situation in a number of ways but it just keeps carrying on, seeing the Monkey act out is not scary it feels like people deliberately keeping themselves in harms way.

I cannot for the life of me understand why this is held in high regard on rotten tomatoes as it is just another generic horror film.

Overall, give it a miss.

1.5/5

Pros.

It is short

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is generic

It is badly acted

It is irritating

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We Bury the Dead: Daisy Ridley Can’t Act

Summary

Fresh off her latest failed attempt to be an action star in The Cleaner, Ridley returns in a film that feels more than a little inspired by the 28 Days/Weeks/Years franchise.

Hollywood morality folks, this film wants you to root for Ava, Ridley, despite you learning that she had an affair despite spending the whole film dreaming about her husband. You imagine her as a loving wife at the start of the film, you feel bad for her, and then you are shown that when she couldn’t get pregnant she had an affair. This is what Hollywood wants us to root for now. The film even tries to justify her by going well he later cheated on her too, ignoring the fact she was the one that broke the monogamy

The film takes the more slow and reflective elements of the recent 28 Years Later and makes it the whole film. Whilst these are technically zombies or rage monsters, they are in a similar ballpark. You get a scene wherein one of the infected digs a hole and allows Ridley to kill him showing that these zombies are more thinking that most. Once again people want angry monsters, hence the Walking Dead did well, not thoughtful quasi humans.

Ridley is wooden throughout and can’t manage anything that you might call emotional range. I don’t know why anyone is surprised, her career so far doesn’t say that she is capable of acting.

Overall, Daisy Ridley needs to stop acting.

1/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

Ridley cannot act

It feels derivative

It has pacing issues

It wants you to sympathies with a truly unlikeable protagonist

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Anaconda: A Surprisingly Insightful Meta Comedy About Hollywood

So straight off the bat this film is not a laugh a minute sort of film, there were a few moments that did make me laugh out loud, but they were few and far between.

What I enjoyed was the commentary on what it’s like trying to get into Hollywood, or being a creative who wants to chase their dream yet life or circumstances gets in the way, I thought this was very relatable and showed the film had heart. The meta industry comedy as well was also quite insightful, and showed just for a moment that some people in Hollywood can be self aware.

The cameos from Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez were funny and handled well, they were each given their moment without upstaging things from the new cast.

The main issue with it is that it tries to focus on too many things at once and the pace of the film suffers as a result it would have been better if it got rid of the illegal mining stuff which serves very little point.

Overall, whilst not the funniest film in the world there is enough charm and personality here to make it worth seeing.

3.5/5

Pros.

A few good laughs

Relatable protagonists

The cameos

The meta commentary

Cons.

The pacing

Some of the emotional plot beats don’t land

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Marvel Zombies: The Woke Zombies Of Disney Marvel

Summary

Marvel Zombies, a cool comic book, becomes yet more girl boss Marvel fare.

In the classic Robert Kirkman comic run, the Zombies were made up of people like Reed Richards, Ant Man, and Captain America. Here they are made up of Okoye, Wanda and Carol Danvers, can you see what is going on.

Perhaps this will help.

We begin this series following Ms Marvel, Kate Bishop and Riri Wiliams, we then meet Blade, Yelena, and the Red Guardian. Following that we meet Shang Chi and Katie. Do you see it yet. Two things are happening here, firstly it is a girlboss show which ends with Riri, Kamala and Wanda, and secondly that there are close to no popular male heroes from before phase four, amongst the ranks of the living.

They also can’t quite seem to decide what sorts of zombies they want to have, intelligent zombies that can talk or mindless zombies that can’t. You’ll notice that zombie Clint Barton and Zombie Cap don’t say a word, whereas Okoye has many a monologue. Do you get it yet.

I feel like I am just repeating myself at this point. One thing I can say with certainty is that Disney + killed Marvel dead. Whoever is in charge of Marvel’s output on Disney + needs the sack.

0.5/5

Pros.

It has a few good moments that lean towards horror

Cons.

The characters are all phase four wash outs

It is a girlboss show to it’s core

It makes pops at legacy characters

It has awful Marvel humour in it

It ruins a great comics run

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Silent Night Deadly Night: Killing Nazi’s and Pedophiles

Summary

Santa’s gonna slay.

So for the most part I enjoyed this film and found it to be charming and over the top, I liked the slasher aspects but also how it was flipped by having the slasher being the hero of the story. The kills were suitably gory, if you’re a gore hound you’ll eat well here.

I thought that the romance between the lead and Ruby Modine was a lovely surprise, I thought it was believable and gave the film a nice centre to work around, the ending wherein Ruby’s character accepted the lead for who he was and believed his Santa curse is also a nice change of pace from running away and acting like the character is evil and pretending like all murder is the same. I thought that the ending wherein she took over the curse also set things up nicely for a sequel.

The only thing I would point to as being a draw back for the film is that at times it is a little depressing in how its styled and how the world looks, there is a gloom to it all and that can dampen the fun a bit.

Overall, a great way to reboot a slasher franchise.

4/5

Pros.

It is fun

The kills are good

The romance

The ending and future

Cons.

It is a bit depressing at times

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Five Nights At Freddy’s Two: Blumhouse Actually Managed To Make A Horror Film

Summary

Blumhouse actually managed to make a horror film.

I thought the first Five Nights At Freddy’s was bad, this one I find almost good, they really managed to turn it around.

They managed to fix the tone issues of the first film and have it be actually scary throughout no building forts to happy music. The horror is very by the numbers, there are one or two effective jump scares, but it is more of what you would expect. The marionette was a cool addition and had the right aesthetic.

The story itself I found interesting, I am glad we weren’t returning too much to the first location, however, there is a number of contrivances throughout the film which set up the ending. So at the end of the first film Mike and Vanessa were basically a couple, yet here they walk that back and have this whole weird arc of Mike being angry at her and saying he can’t trust her, now this happens so she can get possessed at the end of the film and become the baddie for the next one, but makes no sense. The fact the writers need to break the logical throughline of their relationship just so they could set up a cliff hanger ending speaks to how bad the writing team is here.

Overall, the film is a step up from the first film, but the writing is still a fundamental issue.

3/5

Pros

It is more horror focused

It is engaging

It has one good jump scare

Cons.

The ending

The writing

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The Keeper: Osgood Perkins Is Not A Good Director

Summary

Osgood Perkins goes back to his art house roots.

So this is exactly what you would expect from art house horror, a lack of cohesive narrative, dressed up as surrealism, things randomly happening without any prior set up, presented as shocks or scares, deeply unlikeable characters, explained no doubt to represent the human amorality, very obvious themes once again masquerading as ‘oh what does he mean’.

The thing is this should not be a shock, Perkins’ first two films were all of these things in spades, however, his more straightforward turns with Long Legs and The Monkey made one think maybe he had left behind his pseudo-intellectual need to be seen as an artist. Yet clearly that is not the case.

A weird thing you will notice over the course of the film is how stilted the dialogue is, as in they do not talk in a way any normal human would talk and it makes you question if the film was written by AI. Two examples of this phenomenon for you, firstly the two central characters are lovers celebrating their first year anniversary yet neither seem to like the other at all and in fact seem to hate each other, yet the film says that at least Tatiana Maslany’s character is happy. To return to Maslany there are also random bits of dialogue that aren’t sad particularly but which she randomly starts tearing up at, even breaking into tears at points, this again does not make sense with the scene as we are having it presented to us.

Overall, it is art house slop made to be deep, whilst being incredibly shallow and without substance, which is seemingly also being rejected in a rare show of unity by both audiences and critics.

0.5/5

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It is pretentious

It is predictable

It feels like a million other art house projects

The characters are awful

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Curse of Frankenstein: The Original Hammer Horror

Summary

The age of Hammer Horror begins.

This is one of my holdovers from the Halloween period, that I am slotting in here in between major releases.

I thought this film had a cool vibe, and I liked that it did something different with the source material and though exploring Frankenstein’s madness, here played by Peter Cushing, was an interesting road to walk down. Seeing him do more and more evil things to bring the monster to life, losing his soul along the way, was a fascinating piece of juxtaposition for the later actions of the monster.

I would say that the film has pacing issues and could have done with a closer edit, there were scenes that went on for too long and others that could have been cut out entirely, this was somewhat offset by the strong framing of the man condemned to die at the beginning and then revisited at the end, but not enough.

Overall, the film certainly looked good and did something different with the source material but the pacing and some of the dialogue just held it back of being more than it is.

3/5

Pros.

The style

The new twist

Cushing

Cons.

The pacing

Weaker dialogue

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