Jurassic Park: Overrated In The Extreme

The older I get the more I realise that Steven Spielberg is not a good director.

Removed from a childlike lens of whimsy I wanted to see how this film held up. If it was the masterpiece people seem to think it is, turns out they are wrong.

Whilst I appreciate what this film was doing, when it was doing it, and the lasting impact it has had. That does not change the fact it is just the same thing over and over again, dinosaur attacks, kills a person and moves on to the next, yes there are a few tense scenes where the dinosaurs are looking for people to kill but don’t find anyone, but that’s it. I think if this film had not been so visually impressive when it came out many people wouldn’t have bat an eye, it is just a generic shark film plot but with dinosaurs.

The plot is glacially slow in actually getting off the ground with the dinosaurs breaking out, and the film feels so bloated at times that it is distracting. One could argue what it would be like if it was not given to Spielberg at the height of his power and was instead given to someone who actually wanted to make a tight film.

Overall, disappointing and highlighting the very worst of Spielberg

1/5

Pros.

It is visually interesting

Cons.

It is badly paced

The acting isn’t very good

It is repetitive

It is bloated

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The Strangers Chapter Two: Destroying The Myth Of The Franchise

Summary

The Strangers are back.

Did you want to know that the Strangers met at a Christian school? No, well maybe this film is not for you. So this film is incredibly intent on trying to tease out and explain the origins of the Strangers, the people behind the mask, and when it gives you that information it is the most generic thing you could imagine.

There was absolutely no need to make this a trilogy, really the Strangers as a brand should have been left alone after Prey At Night, we didn’t need this. If anything this effort is just ruining the brand by overly explaining everything.

Then there is the pacing as you can imagine, remember, trilogy, this film is slow to the point of being off putting. It is basically just one long chase sequence of the Strangers going after the one who got away, the film starts and ends like that, there is no final showdown in the film it is clearly an in-between effort.

Really the only cool thing here is when the Strangers set a blood hound boar onto the lead in an effort to track her down and presumably kill her. That was unexpected and fun, but that was it.

Overall, this was a bad idea.

0.5/5

Pros.

The boar scene

Cons.

The plot

The reveal of who the Strangers are

The pacing

The scares

The filler new characters

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The Thing: Action And Horror Don’t Mix Well

Summary

The Thing is deeply overrated, I just want to say that now and get it out of the way.

Let’s move past the anger.

Whilst the film may have been impressive at the time, and whilst I can appreciate the lonely and haunting beauty of the polar landscape it takes place in, nothing can remove the fact it is terribly paced. The film takes a long time to get going and when it does it spends a lot of time meandering, hanging out in rooms talking rather than actually having the characters spend all that much time with the creature.

The creature effects are okay, I always prefer practical effects over CGI, so I will give it its credit for that. However, it is not the scariest thing in the world, it is grotesque but not anything more than that.

Personally, I think that The Fog is a much better John Carpenter horror film.

Overall, it is brutally long, and boring.

1.5/5

Pros.

The setting

The score

Cons.

It is far too long

It isn’t scary

The action and the horror are not blended well together

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Final Destination Four: Cheap Tricks To Appease James Cameron

Summary

Death is at the races.

After the height of the franchise in the previous film we now get to the low point. This is easily the worst of the films.

I think for many people this was the worst of the franchise and shed a lot of fans. Certainly this one doesn’t try and do new things from a plot point of view and instead just adds in some cheap visual gimmicks, for a now dead format.

Whilst there were a few good deaths, such as the red neck in flames death, I thought for the most part they lacked some of the creativity of the previous films and felt a bit like a franchise film going through the motions. Moreover, whilst it was nice seeing the credits reference previous deaths from the other films, this would only go on to show how disappointing the deaths we get here are. Particularly the final death when the survivors just get ploughed into by a truck.

The survivors are also a lot more intensely dislikable herein, with the couples best friends being the worst of the lot, one is a brat and the other a creep and a cheat. I know we need to have side characters to not like so we can enjoy their gory deaths, but this felt like the film was taking things that bit too far in making them the worst.

Overall, this hurt the franchise in a number of key ways.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good deaths

It is watchable

Some nostalgia plays land

Cons.

The characters are awful

It is gimmicky

The ending is terrible

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Final Destination Three: Oddly Prescient

Summary

Death is hanging out at a theme park this time around.

So this is my personal favourite Final Destination Film, whilst the ties to the previous films are less, and Bloodsworth doesn’t come back. I think Wren, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, is an incredibly relatable protagonist, and has a similar likeability to the Alex and Clear.

I also enjoyed the ‘There is someone walking behind you’ song and think that it should have become a franchise calling card ala Jeepers Creepers to me this song is more memorable and impactful than the log truck from the second film.

I also found the inciting incident, the rollercoaster going off the tracks to be particularly effecting, more so than the plane or pile up of the previous films. It put me off going on rollercoasters for a while when I first saw this film over a decade ago now.

The main negative I will say about this film is that it is more pervy, and whilst there is nothing wrong with a bit of nudity, the sun bed death felt quite over the top with its amount of nudity, and it feels very teenage boy aiming.

Overall, the best of the series but not without issues

4.5/5

Pros.

Wren

There is someone walking behind you

The inciting incident

The deaths

It tries to do new things

Cons.

It is needlessly pervy

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Final Destination Two: Ali Larter The Best Scream Queen

Summary

Death is back at it again.

So I have been rewatching the Final Destination films for Halloween and it has given me a new appreciation for the series broadly.

This film is definitely benefited by bringing back Ali Larter’s Clear and Tony Todd’s Bloodsworth and feeling very connected to the first film. As the series progresses that connection to the other films is a vital part of the series that helps it to feel like a bigger multiconnected thing. Personally I would have liked to have seen more people survive these films and then come back, as Clear does here, to tell the new lot how it works. I wanted a death fighting avengers esque team.

The deaths are broadly better than the first, the fence death and the glass death are both strong. I would say that Clear’s death, whilst somewhat heroic was a bit of a letdown, considering she is the one who got away, I would have kept her around, but if you had to kill her off she should have got one of the more impressive death scenes of the picture.

I note that this franchise introduced the log truck which a lot of people have latched onto, but for me it was not as memorable as some of the other moments from the series.

Overall, easily better than the first film, but not the best of the series.

4/5

Pros.

Bringing back old characters

The connections to the first film

The new deaths particularly the glass and fence deaths

The ending and the arm

Cons

Clear deserved better.

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Creepshow: Stephen King Doing An Ablest Impression Of A Disabled Person

Summary

A horror anthology that needs no introduction.

There is something wonderful about the styling and the tone of this film, in many ways it is a love letter to horror and seems like the sort of film that every horror fan can rally for. The aesthetic are very on point as the kids would say, the visual aspects one may say are better than the film itself.

You are presented with 5 horror tales which in and of themselves are a mixed bag, the opening feature about an old man back from the grave for his cake is not very good and is incredibly overly simplistic. However, the Ted Danson Leslie Nelisen story is genuinely chilling and features some great performances. As such one would say that less was more and that maybe 5 stories were too many.

I think there is a little bit too much reliance on the undead. This makes sense as the film was developed by and directed by George Romero, there are some stories such as the one with Stephen King that do move outside the territory of the undead but the vast majority of the tales feature some sort of undead returning to reap vengeance. It becomes repetitive.

Overall, the film has a great look, but the stories are hit and miss.

3/5

Pros.

The style

It is a love letter to horror

Danson and Neilsen

Cons.

The stories are hit and miss

The ending is a bit naff

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Conjuring Last Rites: The End Of An Era

Summary

The Warrens are back for one final adventure.

I want to state right away that as someone who knows about the Warren’s and their life this film bothered me, there was next to nothing from the actual account of the Smurl Haunting that happened here and the Warren’s did not retire from doing cases in the 80s.

That aside I would say that this is the second best Conjuring film overall behind only the second film. Mainly that is because the horror really works here, yes there are the usual jump scares, but the level of craziness than happens just elevates it and makes it seem like a true showdown unlike anything the Warren’s have faced before. Additionally, the ending as shmaltzy as it is works well, it is nice to see the Warren’s get their happy ending after teasing the death of one or both of them since the second film. I thought seeing all the characters from prior films in the church at the end was also a great little nod to the series and its history.

In many senses this feels like it could be the last Conjuring film, however, with the amount it made at the box office that seems incredibly unlikely now.

Overall, a good horror film and a rewarding film for fans of the franchise.

4.5/5

Pros.

The horror

The ending

More than just jump scares

It treats its characters with care

The sense of finality to it

Cons.

It is in no way based on a true anything

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Tomorrow: Guilt Is Both A Motivator And Destroyer

Summary

A Hollywood makeup artist faces a moral quandary for the ages.

So this film really captures the flawed nature of the human condition, it shows us as we are, base creatures that often do bad things, but also presents the spark of wanting to change, wanting to do the right thing in the end, in that sense this film is optimistic.

I found the characters to all be well rounded and to reflect the above message, I would say that what could be a very predictable sort of film manages to go in a surprising direction, and the ending hits a chord and leaves you thinking.

I think there is something beautiful about this film as it presents such a challenging view on life. I think there was a real chance that the lead protagonist could have felt unlikeable, however, I think the film manages to redeem them even though they are fundamentally flawed.

Overall, a touching examination of the human capacity for guilt.

4.5/5

Pros.

The message

The characters

The ending

It gives you something to reflect on in the end

It is well paced

Cons.

Some of the side characters need a little more to shine

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Silent Hill: Tip Toe Through The Fog

Summary

A forgotten gem.

There is something so video gamey about this film, but that is actually a compliment. Now of course you can enjoy this film without having played the game with which it shares a name, the first time I saw it I had not played it. However, if you have played the game there is a lot to enjoy here, lots of little nods.

It is very early noughties in how it presents yet I find that quite charming, moreover, much like the games it draws very heavily on J-Horror and there are narrative elements that reflect this and which become apparent if you are a fan of those sort of films. The same can be said for the horror, which I found to be quite effective.

The only downside is that the acting isn’t very good giving this film a so bad it is good kind of quality, and if you like that then you’ll get a lot out of this film.

Overall, it is very much a videogame film in much the same way the Paul W.S Anderson Resident Evil films are and you’ll either love it or think it is naff.

3.5/5

Pros.

The scares

The J-Horror influence

The videogame nods

The story

Cons.

The acting is bad

The pacing needs work

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