Terrifier 3: Blowing Up Kid’s Christmas

Art the Clown, David Howard Thorton, is back and this time he is dressed like Santa Claus.

So if you want to write this film off as just another gore fest then I would say to you what did you expect? Did you watch the last two film? Personally, I think that is just people trying to be trendy by being contrarian to a popular new release.

I found this to be an improvement over the second film, but I would say that some of its issues were still there. Namely that the film has pacing problems and has Art get away in the end, this is problematic as it just feels like we are then going to have to wait for yet another sequel which is going to be yet another showdown between Art and his nemesis, Lauren LaVera. I think at this point there battle should already be over and Art should have moved onto a new group of victims ala Freddy or Jason.

I did enjoy how over the top this film took the gore, I thought the mall scene with the bomb was pretty funny, as was freezing Santa Clause, I liked the black mirror it held up to the holiday of Christmas and took every opportunity to make it as nasty as possible.

Overall, if you are a fan of the franchise you will like this one.

3.5/5

The black mirror

The gore

The comedy

Some great kills

Cons.

It is badly paced

Art got away

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Strange Harvest: The Strangest Day Of A Cops Life

Summary

A serial killer carries out an occult murder spree in California.

I thought this was an incredibly engaging horror film, it took the whole true crime craze and mixed it with found footage to do something new and fresh.

The idea of a evil serial killer is already morbidly fascinating but then mix in that they have occult powers and are trying to bring in an ancient evil God to the world and you have the recipe for a great film. For the most part the film delivers on this and is a strong horror film, particularly the final third.

However, my issue with this film is that some of its sub-plots are either knowingly or unknowingly comedic. You don’t want to laugh but they are so unintentionally funny at times that you cannot help but to. I think that this mismatch hurts the film but isn’t major enough to cause serious issues with it widely.

Overall, a fun mixing of genres but not perfect.

3/5

Pros.

A good mixing of sub-genres

It feels fresh

It has a great ending

Cons.

Pacing problems

Issues with tone

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Transformers One: A Film No One Wanted

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Transformers prequel no one needed.

Who wanted to see Optimus Prime, Voiced by Chris Hemsworth, and Megatron, voiced by Brian Tyree Henry, as slacker bros before becoming enemies? A grand total of no one. The idea of seeing them almost as spoofs of themselves entirely unserious on Cybertron does take away from them as character and seems frankly incredibly out of character.

Moreover, the fact that they can transform makes no sense as the earliest reference point had them scanning earth vehicles in order to assume disguises, yet now they just turn into cars for no reason, they don’t even have a reference point as they haven’t been to Earth yet.

The fact that after this much time they can’t figure out how to make a crowd pleasing Transformers film is frankly baffling. Bring the cartoon, the original, to life have giant robots fighting and maybe a human side kick for good measure if you need to, they shouldn’t be lead, and the baddies should be bad, not this weak stuff.

Overall, a massive misstep.

1/5

Pros.

It has a few endearing moments

Cons.

It is unnecessary

It makes little sense

It ruins the lore of the series

It is dumb

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Star Wars Revenge Of The Sith: Who Really Has The High Ground?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The era of the Republic comes to an end.

In many ways this is the best of the prequels, though I would still personally put it behind Phantom Menace but that is just me. By best I mean the most meme worthy, a lot of memes came out of this thing. Joking aside I do think that the effects look better here than in the rest of the trilogy and that that helps to add a sense of immersion that is lost when the CGI effects look bad.

I think that the action here is also a lot better, you open straight too it and get the Dooku, Christopher Lee, fight which is well done. I think the best action sequence is possible the beach landing on the Wookie home world in terms of sheer scale though nothing can beat the Anakin, Hayden Christensen, Obi-Wan, Ewan McGregor, fight at the end.

I would argue that the dialogue is better than in the last film though it still has moments where in veers into bad territory. I think some of the early scenes with Anakin and Padme, Natalie Portman, are especially bad for this.

Overall, it is a good ending for the trilogy but the script could have done with another draft

3.5/5

Pros.

The fights

The effects

The stakes

The pacing

Cons.

The dialogue

A few needless side plots and characters

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Black Cab: Get An Uber

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Nick Frost plays a cabbie with an attitude.

This film has an interesting aesthetic but fails to do much more with it than the bog standard. I like the idea of a horror film about a cabbie driving down northern country lanes in the dark worrying about ghosts, however, in reality the film is just very standard.

I found the bulk of the film to be entertaining if Frost’s performance was a little over the top at times, however, where things really started to fall apart for me was in the third act. This is due to the time loop nature of the haunting with the ghost being made by his actions and then so one and so forth, and I found that to be a tad bit obvious from the start.

As for Frost playing against type, he is okay, it is not on the level of some funny man turned dramatic actors we have seen in recent years. I found his character to only have a few menacing moments the rest of the time he seemed either just angry or bumbling. The idea of him as a scary villain never really came through for me.

Overall, a serviceable if forgettable ghost story.

2.5/5

Pros.

The setting

The premise

The atmosphere

Cons,

Frost as a villain

The ending

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Never Let Go: Halle Berry Isn’t A List Anymore

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Halle Berry and some kids live in the woods.

The twist that civilisation wasn’t really destroyed was obvious. The fact the film tries to have its cake and eat it too, being like see Berry’s character was lying all along, but then not really as the creature was real feels like a cop out and ruins any good will this film had going for it.

Moreover, this film just feels like yet another in the growing and increasingly plagiarised apocalypse horror sub-genre. Think about Bird Box and The Quiet Place and now think about this, think about The Village and now think about this, can you see the, shall we be charitable, borrowing. This film is more than a little derivative.

In addition, no one has given Halle Berry the memo that she is not lead actor material. She tries to seem genuine as the kids mother and also at times scary or manic but she just comes across as someone trying to act crazy, at no point is she believable.

The film tries to build towards a crazy third act but you have seen it all before and nothing shocks you about it.

Overall, a waste of time

1.5/5

Pros.

It is short

It is watchable

Cons.

It has been done better before

Berry

It has pacing issues

The ending

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Beezle: The Witch In The Walls

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A house infested with a witch goes through generations of trauma.

There was a kernel of a good idea here, we don’t get many witch films and less so that try and unorthodox narrative approach, it plays more like an anthology than a linear narrative.

However, in execution we come undone.

I can some up the issues with this film into four key areas, the characterisation, the witch, the scares and the ending. There is a throughline of mediocrity throughout all of these things and that was a disappointment.

So first things first, the initial two segments are fine nothing special but it is clearly the third where things start to get weird. Enter Nova, Victoria Fradkin, a character who’s whole dimension is just that she’s horny and wants a kid. You could argue had this been written by just a man that it was incredibly sexist and reductive but she helped write her own material so she was okay with it. Nova, wants to have sex wearing her partner’s dead mother’s lingerie and is constantly pressuring him for sex to a point where it becomes uncomfortable. Moreover, there are a number of nude or near nude scenes that just feel almost as though Fradkin is showing off for an ego trip, and when you realise her close relationship with the director it all starts to make more sense.

The witch could have been special and unique but instead it is just another demon like figure that behaves in the same way and never really does much of anything. To role scares into this one the film relies heavily on jump scares, did you just see that face? That kind of thing, to which I thought gave it a tacky feeling.

Finally the ending is the ending of so many found footage films after becoming possessed Nova kills her husband and then I guess sits in the snow, or does some random off screen action for it all to continue with a new family. Paranormal Activity did all this decades ago.

Overall, amateurish at best.

1/5

Pros.

It has a good premise

Cons.

It is not scary

It has pacing issues

It is creepy at times

It wastes its villain

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My Old Ass: A Narcissistic Fantasy

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young woman, Meghan Park, comes off age whilst getting phone calls from her older self, Aubery Plaza.

This film was made for a specific type of person, who that is I don’t know. It is not funny and has a really depressing ending, if that sounds like your idea of a good time head on down.

It feels like it is trying to go for the Safety Not Guaranteed sort of feel the oddball comedy vibe, it has a quirky family it has some out their elements to try and drive things along, yet it never actually hits it in a satisfying way.

There is also rather a lot of quite graphic lesbian scenes, which get to a point wherein you question how needed they were for the plot. They could have lent in for a kiss and then moved on, it does feel a little over the top. One cannot hope but feel like if this was done by a male director the film would have got far more criticism for it.

Plaza is as good as ever, the younger cast mostly are irritating as they say meaningless gen z buzz words like ‘omg the world is literally on fire right now’ and oh such garbage, also what is there solution to the world being in such a bad spot is it to help someone or volunteer for a charity nope its to get high and go on their phones. Also the focus placed on the main characters sexuality also felt incredibly modern day, so she’s bi big whoop, we really don’t need the whole big subplot of oh but she’s never liked boys before, when she no doubt had crushes before as they say later in the film she was into Biber.

Overall, maybe one to give a miss

2/5

Pros.

Plaza

A few good laughs

Cons.

It is tonally all over the place

The younger characters are annoying

It is depressing

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Joker Two: The Worst Comic Book Movie Ever Made?

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Todd Phillips performs career seppuku and inflicts major damage on the character of the Joker possibly forever.

I will open with a question and it might be slightly rhetorical but I want you to think about it, who goes into a superhero/supervillain film wanting to see the character degraded to such a point that the film decides it in good taste for them to have a long drawn out rape scene wherein the character is assaulted repeatedly?

This film hates the Joker and it hates you. I am all for the Reeves’ side project being gritty and dark but this just feels horrible. I understand that this is not in the Reeves’ universe but my point is more so about grit in superhero/villain films, there comes a point where you have to ask is this necessary. I think you’ll find the answer if you look hard enough, its no just in case you didn’t get it.

It reads very much as someone who clearly didn’t want to make a sequel being forced into it, as he goes out of his way to make the film terrible and even offensive to fans and people who care about the character. It was like what people said about the director’s approach to the fourth Matrix film but even worse.

The musical aspects feel unnecessary and a normally good Lady Gaga here just feels out of place. They happen as somewhat of a pallet cleanse from all the rest of the horribleness but it makes you wistful, you wish the whole film could be like that so you didn’t have to go back to it.

The courtroom drama aspects feel like an embodiment of the social media discourse around the first films release in a way, and that makes the film feel even more born out of an online discussion rather than from a place of love or even interest in this character.

Basically due to how Phillips has handled this what could have been a profitable little Elseworld’s franchise for DC is dead. These characters are dead. I would if I was Gunn and co not even use the Joker for a while after, allowing the bad memory this allow the bad to fade away in time.

Overall, Phillips should never work again.

0/5

Pros.

None

Cons.

It hates you

It hates the characters

It has the first film

It hates comic book fun

It hates itself

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The Founder: The Father Of Ronald McDonald

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

McDonalds is evil.

So finding out about how McDonalds came to be what it is today could be a very rah rah sort of affair, very pro Ronald, however I have to say I liked that this film showed McDonalds for being the twisted company it is. It didn’t pull its punches, you see the lives ruined the dreams smashed and the horror that happened along the way.

I thought that Micheal Keaton was electric as Roy Kroc, the milkshake salesman turned CEO of McDonalds, he chewed up the scene as a pro business take no prisoners capitalist. He both had that Tony Stark level of confidence where you can’t help but like him whilst also hating him for all the terrible things he’s doing at the same time.

I like that it tried to convey a smaller time period in the company and man’s life rather than trying to cover his whole life, it felt like more of a time capsule and more well done as a result.

Overall, a pretty good biopic about a titan of the fast food industry.

3/5

Pros.

Keaton

The pace

It isn’t bias

Cons.

It is a bit slow at times

It focuses a bit too much on Roy’s love life

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