Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Today: Teens Today Always On Their Phones

Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight is a Polish slasher film directed by Bartosz M. Kowalski. We are shown a summer camp for kids who are addicted to electronic devices, where they participate in wholesome outdoor activities; little do they know however, a pair of mutated twins with a taste for human flesh have just been released from their basement prison and are now on the prowl.

This film starts off strong, but then gets increasingly generic as it goes on. In the beginning, it seems to be going down the comedy horror route, there are a few laughs, the premise itself ‘a summer camp for kids who are addicted to electronic devices’ has got to be some kind of 2020 satire. However, midway through the film the tone shifts, and it becomes a straight horror film: this is when it becomes boring.

The twins themselves look fairly horrific, but nothing you have seen before. Their backstory is interesting, they were infected by an alien parasite from a found meteor, however we don’t get to explore it enough, and what we do get gives us more questions then answers.

The kids, or teens, themselves are all fairly one note. We have the horny one, the tortured misunderstood one, the final girl and a few others. All of them never rise above these cliches, as such they never make much of an impression so when they start getting speared by the twins you are left going ‘eh’, probably not the reaction the filmmakers were going for.

Overall, though there is a strong premise, the interesting ideas are mostly ignored for more generic slasher fare.

Pros.

The premise

Some of the more satirical moments

Cons.

The characters are cliches

The kills are likewise as bland

We don’t explore the Twins backstory anywhere near enough.

2/5

Reviewed by Luke

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Wondering Tongue

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge is a slasher horror film directed by Jack Sholder. The plot follows a new group of teens lead by Jesse (Mark Patton), who again find themselves being terrorised by everyone’s favourite stripped jumper enthusiast. However, this time Freddy seems to want to possess the body of Jesse for his own malicious purposes.

I would be remise if I did not bring up the homoerotic elements that are present in this film, they are clear as day and the story around them is damning, heart breaking for Patton and a little confusing. I would advise you to go and read up about it, as there is quite a bit too it, or watch the documentary Patton later made about his experience making this film.

That said.

I applaud this film for trying something new. It tries to breakaway from the standard slasher structure of a killer picking off kids one by one, with the plot this time being about Freddy possessing someone to do just that, oh wait. I think this film is worse for deviating from the traditional slasher structure.

I think my key issue with this film is that Freddy is not featured enough. Yes, I understand they are going for the possession angle, but we come to these films to see Freddy do his thing, and yes we get that but with much reduced screen time.

Overall, though it still has some goofy 80s charm this film tries to hard to be something it isn’t and loses sight of itself as a result, we need more Freddy!

Pros.

A few funny kills

The goofy charm

Cons.

Not enough Freddy

In its attempt to not be a slasher it becomes boring

The experiences of Mark Patton, and what he was subjected to

2/5

Reviewed by Luke

Prom Night: Are High Schools Ever Safe?

Prom Night is a slasher film directed by Paul Lynch. The plot sees follows a group of high school seniors as they are stalked and killed by a masked man seeking vengeance for a crime that happened 6 years prior.

Some say that this film is a giallo/ slasher hybrid, and with certain aspects I can see that. The more surreal dream like elements are very reminiscent its true, they are also easily the best thing about the film.

Personally, I found this to be deeply generic. If you look at the other big Jamie Lee Curtis slasher film that came out only a few years prior Halloween, you see a film dripping in style and identity, with this it could be any other slasher a group of teens being chased by a masked man and picked off one by one; real original.

I thought the story was also quite convoluted, I lost track of the motivations a lot of the time as the film can’t seem to stick to one plot line for any length of time.

I didn’t think of the characters were particularly likeable and I don’t think the cast did anything of note to impress, I think it was all deeply by the numbers and low effort.

Overall, I understand some people regard it as a cult classic, but to me it just screams generic.

Pros.

It is watchable

Cons.

The story is convoluted

The cast are very bland

It feels very by the numbers

The kills feel repetitive

0.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Hellraiser 3: A Late Night Satanic Standup Performance At A Local Church, It Is A Laugh Riot

Hellraiser 3 is a horror film directed by Anthony Hickox. The plot again serves as a continuation of the last film, wherein Pin Head (Doug Bradley), became imprisoned in a statue. Obviously, he tricks some gullible humans into feeding him their friends, thereby restoring him, he then goes on a rampage. The only people willing to fight back are news reporter Joey (Terry Farrell) and the manifestation of Pin Heads good side, also played by Bradley.

After the god awful second film I very nearly gave up with this series, but a part of me wanted to see if it could get worse. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this film is hands and shoulders better than the second film, whilst still being leagues off the first film.

The main thing I enjoyed about this film was that it does not even try and be serious, or even remotely like Barker’s short story anymore, it just goes full on goofy. I found the 90’s charm of having these evil beings cracking wise to be somewhat charming.

I thought this film have several memorable moments such as the church scene as well as some of the early club stuff while still imprisoned, these are really well done and are suitably tense.

The new final girl does not have a patch on Kirsty and that is a simple fact.

Overall, a good end point for the series as it manages to claw back some of its dignity. I know this is not the end, but I am leaving it here (for now).

Pros.

It abandons any serious notion

Several memorable scenes

The one liners

Cons.

The new characters are bland

It has lost all sense of identity’

2.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

A Bay Of Blood: The Granddaddy Of The Slasher Genre

A Bay Of Blood is an Italian giallo film directed by Mario Bava. The plot follows a series of murders taking place around the titular bay.

I enjoyed seeing early slasher elements pop up in this film, I thought it was very interesting to see the genre cross pollination. For example the bed spear scene would later be used in Friday The 13^th Part 2, as well as the machete to the face kill. If you are a fan of genre cinema or film history that is a really rewarding part of the film.

I thought keeping us guessing about who the killer was, rather than showing us outright was a smart move as I often had my expectations subverted and the end reveal feels satisfying. This is defiantly less of a traditional giallo film as the mystery of who the killer is feels secondary to the body count, which is suitably creative and gory.

I thought it was well paced and none of the scenes felt too long, which is often a complaint of mine. The acting was also strong and all the performances seemed genuine and real, a lot can be learnt by comparing the performances of the teen ‘victim’ character in films like this and in our modern day slasher films; it is night and day, with a less favourable view going to today’s performers. Have our standards dropped?

Overall, if you’re a fan of slasher cinema then you owe it to yourself to watch this film.

Pros.

Keeping the killer mysterious

The kills

The pacing and the acting

It’s a big part of horror history

Cons.

It is a little dry by today’s horror standards

3.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Sleepy Hollow: Christopher Walken In All His Snarly Goodness

Sleepy Hollow is a horror fantasy film directed by Tim Burton, based on The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving. We follow Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp), a New York police constable who is sent out to the small village of Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of murders.

I remember watching this a lot when I was younger, it was my go-to horror film, especially on Halloween, for a long time. However, I recently rewatched it and saw it entirely differently then I did when I was younger and am now left thinking how much of my remembered enjoyment is the fabled rose-tinted glasses.

I still enjoyed some of the horror elements of the film, such as Ichabod’s tragic back story and the flashbacks involving his mother, as well as the headless horseman as a character. I find the fact that said horseman is silent for most of the film makes him more scary and you have to use your imagination. Having Christopher Walken play him when he does have a head is a masterstroke as he fits the role so well, stuffing it with malice and fear.

The acting is all fairly solid, Christina Ricci and Johnny Deep basically play similar characters to what they normally do, so your enjoyment of their performances will come down to how you find them in other roles.

My big complaint with the film that I didn’t previously notice is the tone; in that it is all over the place. Despite claiming not to be, this feels very much like family friendly horror, the darker elements are counter balanced with these oddly comedic moments and the two clash horribly as you would imagine.

Overall, it is still good when it is being scary, but the odd ball humour really ruins it as a whole.

Pros.

The headless horseman

Christopher Walken

The gore and so genuine malice

Cons.

The main performances from Depp and Ricci are just them playing characters that they have played before again and claiming it is new.

The humour really hurts any kind of tension

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

A Nightmare On Elm Street: Put The Bottle Down, An After School Special

A Nightmare On Elm Street is a slasher horror film directed by Wes Craven. The plot sees a group of kids become the target of a vicious serial killer, Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund). However Freddy has been dead for quite some time but has returned as a creature of dreams to carry on killing the youth of America.

I have always been torn on this film; it is neither my favourite slasher film nor is it my most loathed it is somewhere in-between. I can see it’s important to the sub-genre, but also don’t think it holds a candle to Halloween (the Carpenter original), or to Craven’s own Scream that would come out years later.

I enjoyed the dreamlike elements in the film and how it played with reality. In this respect I thought the ending that served as a subversion was well done and actually quite surprising. I thought the sequences within the dreams all felt a little similar, but at least later films would correct this issue.

The iconic kills are all there and they still feel impactful, though the effects seem a little dated. The blood tornado death is still probably the most impressive to me from a technical point of view.

I thought Freddy felt a little toned back and docile here, though I am more use to the later films where he is churning out one liners every five minutes like it is going out of style. I thought Englund was good, but he did not blow my socks off.

Overall, my memory of this film has aged better than the film itself and while it is by no means bad it certainly has lost something over the years.

Pros.

The kills

The dream like parts

The subversive ending

Cons.

Freddy seems quite tame

The effects are noticeably bad

It is somewhat disappointing

3/5

Reviewed by Luke

Hellbound,HellRaiser 2: I Never Knew Hell Was This Boring

Hellbound Hellraiser 2 is a slasher horror film directed by Tony Randel. The film serves as a continuation of the first film with hero Kirsty (Ashley Lawrence), venturing into the world of the cenobites to try and save her dead father. However, once she arrives she realises that there is more afoot than she first thought.

So, Clive Baker’s involvement with this film is much less than in the first and you can feel that in all the worst ways. Clearly, this sequel was made because the first was a success, but without a reason other than that for it to exist. It doesn’t add much to the first film and honestly, throughout its entire runtime it never justifies its existence.

The plot is messy and muddled, there is a lot of different things going on at the same time, far too many, and things quickly get muddled; this film goes out of its way to be exposition heavy and it really suffers for it. The issue with the writing in this film is it explains its lore a bit too much and unless you’re taking detailed notes you won’t really understand what is going on, but you will feel bored.
Also the cenobites themselves are worse here as they are the main focus. Part of the reason Pinhead (Doug Bradley), was so effective in the first film was because he was a demon of few words he was enigmatic, the few scenes we had teased us but didn’t give anything up; he was given limited screen time. However, here he is front and centre and by giving him this limelight he is demystified and though he is not the main villain here, that is some other throw away character, his presence is felt far too much.

Overall, a sequel that shows everything wrong with the concept.

Pros.

Some cool imagery

Cons.

Overusing Pinhead

Far too much exposition

So many throw away characters

It never justifies its existence

1/5

Reviewed by Luke

The Bird With Crystal Plumage: Take Away, Never Intervene In A Murder

The Bird With The Crystal Plumage is an Italian giallo film directed by Dario Argento. The plot sees Sam Dalmas (Tony Musante), an American writer holidaying in Rome become tangled up in a series of bizarre murders. As the killer creeps closer Sam has to figure out who it is and stop them.

What I enjoyed the most about this film was the merging of noir elements and supernatural slasher elements to create a hybrid of sorts. The killer in this film is menacing and mysterious, almost more so than any of the slashers that would come after them, pair this with the fact they also doesn’t feel out of place in this very realistic world. It is a tight rope walk, but one that this film pulls off well.

Pacing wise this film is a model that other films should strive for, it used its hour and a half runtime well it build the mystery and sense of threat over the course of the film well, never giving it a moment to drop or drag. Moreover, the mystery was never obvious, it kept you guessing, and I appreciated that.

I thought the acting was top notch as well, Musante was a compelling lead who had just the right amounts of vulnerability and capability to never feel anything other than a real person. He is not some invincible force of justice, neither is a terrified victim, rather he feels rounded.

Overall, a fantastic example of Italian genre cinema. A strong mystery adapted well that has more than enough thrills and chills to keep you invested

Pros.

The mystery

The killer

The leading man

Paced well

Cons.

It would have been nice to see the female characters be more than just sex objects and victims

4.5/5

Reviewed by Luke

Wolf Creek 2: Making A Hero Out Of A Cold Blooded Serial Killer

Wolf Creek 2 is an Australian horror film directed by Greg McLean. We again follow Mick Taylor (John Jarrett), the tourist killer extraordinaire as he cleans up his part of Australia once again from those evil invading backpackers. This is vaguely based on a true story, incredibly loosely though.

So yeah basically this time around Mick is the hero, or at least the main focus of the film. We don’t really get a protagonist (maybe the English dude), we just get a series of characters for Mick to pick off over the course of the film. None of them seem to have any shred of personality or character development, but I’ll get to that.

Maybe the executives realised that no one really cared about the boring vanilla survivor characters from the first film hence the Mick focus this time around. Also this film plays up Mick’s craziness a lot more, making him way more manic and almost strangely a lot more comedic too. Though I didn’t like the first film, at least the way it portrayed Mick was accurate to the cold-blooded killers that his character is based on, here he is a one liner cracking, goofy, pain sponge that can get up from any hit with minimal damage. They turned their villain into somewhat of a joke.

Jarrett is again the best part of this film and is clearly having fun and you can tell that throughout, sadly it does not translate to audience enjoyment.

Pros.

Jarrett is having fun

Cons.

Sadly it is not fun to watch

They don’t have characters just victims

They make Taylor less scary

The jokes don’t work

1/5

Reviewed by Luke