Creepshow: Stephen King Doing An Ablest Impression Of A Disabled Person

A horror anthology that needs no introduction.

There is something wonderful about the styling and the tone of this film, in many ways it is a love letter to horror and seems like the sort of film that every horror fan can rally for. The aesthetic are very on point as the kids would say, the visual aspects one may say are better than the film itself.

You are presented with 5 horror tales which in and of themselves are a mixed bag, the opening feature about an old man back from the grave for his cake is not very good and is incredibly overly simplistic. However, the Ted Danson Leslie Nelisen story is genuinely chilling and features some great performances. As such one would say that less was more and that maybe 5 stories were too many.

I think there is a little bit too much reliance on the undead. This makes sense as the film was developed by and directed by George Romero, there are some stories such as the one with Stephen King that do move outside the territory of the undead but the vast majority of the tales feature some sort of undead returning to reap vengeance. It becomes repetitive.

Overall, the film has a great look, but the stories are hit and miss.

3/5

Pros.

The style

It is a love letter to horror

Danson and Neilsen

Cons.

The stories are hit and miss

The ending is a bit naff

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Conjuring Last Rites: The End Of An Era

Summary

The Warrens are back for one final adventure.

I want to state right away that as someone who knows about the Warren’s and their life this film bothered me, there was next to nothing from the actual account of the Smurl Haunting that happened here and the Warren’s did not retire from doing cases in the 80s.

That aside I would say that this is the second best Conjuring film overall behind only the second film. Mainly that is because the horror really works here, yes there are the usual jump scares, but the level of craziness than happens just elevates it and makes it seem like a true showdown unlike anything the Warren’s have faced before. Additionally, the ending as shmaltzy as it is works well, it is nice to see the Warren’s get their happy ending after teasing the death of one or both of them since the second film. I thought seeing all the characters from prior films in the church at the end was also a great little nod to the series and its history.

In many senses this feels like it could be the last Conjuring film, however, with the amount it made at the box office that seems incredibly unlikely now.

Overall, a good horror film and a rewarding film for fans of the franchise.

4.5/5

Pros.

The horror

The ending

More than just jump scares

It treats its characters with care

The sense of finality to it

Cons.

It is in no way based on a true anything

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Silent Hill: Tip Toe Through The Fog

Summary

A forgotten gem.

There is something so video gamey about this film, but that is actually a compliment. Now of course you can enjoy this film without having played the game with which it shares a name, the first time I saw it I had not played it. However, if you have played the game there is a lot to enjoy here, lots of little nods.

It is very early noughties in how it presents yet I find that quite charming, moreover, much like the games it draws very heavily on J-Horror and there are narrative elements that reflect this and which become apparent if you are a fan of those sort of films. The same can be said for the horror, which I found to be quite effective.

The only downside is that the acting isn’t very good giving this film a so bad it is good kind of quality, and if you like that then you’ll get a lot out of this film.

Overall, it is very much a videogame film in much the same way the Paul W.S Anderson Resident Evil films are and you’ll either love it or think it is naff.

3.5/5

Pros.

The scares

The J-Horror influence

The videogame nods

The story

Cons.

The acting is bad

The pacing needs work

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Salem’s Lot Original Version: Public Sex By A Lakeside Is All The Rage

Summary

The residents of Salem’s Lot find out that the trouble of being from a small town is all the damn vampires.

So this is an odd one in terms of my reviews, technically it was a TV series, but I saw it as one long film at a re-release, so it is both a TV review and also a film review.

This is a much better adaptation than the more recent Salem’s Lot film chiefly as it actually gives the characters time to become established before it starts killing them off. The greater effort in character work makes the deaths more impactful and makes the wider project more engaging.

As someone who has read the book and watched now both this and the newer version I can say that this has a worse ending than the film from last year, probably the only way in which that film is better. In last year’s effort the hero and his sidekick drive off into the sunset, possibly to fight more vampires, whereas here we get a whole extra ten to fifteen minutes showing them doing it. Whilst the vampire fighting may sound cool it really isn’t and ends up becoming tedious during this section.

In terms of vampire horror this is basically just Dracula in small town America, and if that is your thing then you’ll enjoy this for sure.

Overall, a good vampire film but nothing that will set the world on fire.

3/5

Pros.

It has a good atmosphere

It builds up the characters well

Some good vampire moments

Cons.

The ending

The pacing is quite slow at times

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Blood On Satan’s Claw: Seventies Era Teenage Nudity

Summary

The Devil comes to the south of England.

In many ways this and many films like it are a forgotten art form, the focus on folk traditions and atmosphere over jump scares and wild moments, is something few filmmakers do anymore.

I would argue therein lies this film’s greatest strength, its sense of time, place and environment. It feels like a very specific world, and one in which you become fully invested and sink into. The horror builds slowly over time and escalates more and more until it hits a crescendo.

Whilst I appreciated some aspects of this crescendo, such as the practical costume design of the Devil/Demon, I thought others came off as a little needless. I am talking about the rape scene, which is long and drawn out, as well as the copious amounts of nudity in the film, which feels done to get teens on-board rather than for story based reasons, such as in the Wicker Man.

Overall, an interesting film that cuts its own character, but one which may also make some people feel uncomfortable.

3.5/5

Pros.

The setting

The atmosphere

The very British sensibility to it

The creature design

Cons.

There are a few script issues and things that don’t make sense

The rape scene is uncomfortable

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Creepshow Two: Second Time Is The Charm

Summary

Creepshow returns in a fat cut off kind of way.

So herein we go down from five tales to three and things are all the better for it.

The first tale, which is woefully politically incorrect by today’s standards, is a fun romp with a Native American flavour, it is fun seeing the Chief cutting down all the people who wronged his adoptive family using Native American weapons and tactics. It makes one think why haven’t we seen more films about Native American society or the fight back against the Europeans, that could be interesting ground to explore and lead to some good epic action films.

The second tale is the weak one as is often the case in a horror anthology with three parts, it focuses on a group of young people who get trapped on a raft by some goo that is intent on killing them all. Not only is the premise incredibly flimsy, you also have the fact that one of the lead characters casually assaults one of his female raft mates in her sleep, and before this he was presented as a hero. This move comes incredibly out of left field and is jarring.

The final tale about a mysterious hitch-hiker that stalks the woman who killed him is entertaining and has a nice creepy vibe to it that ends the collection off on a high note. Couple this with a fun animated wrap around story that ends also on a high note and you have a sequel that in many ways surpasses the original.

Overall, a better film than the first.

4/5

Pros.

It has two strong stories

The aesthetic remains strong

It has some good chills

It is funny at times, on purpose

Cons.

The second story is not good and the sexual assault scene feels poorly conceived

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The Long Walk: Stephen King Slop

Summary

A group of boys go for a walk.

So the easiest way to describe this is to call it Stephen King slop. In that frame I mean if this film was not based on a short story by King it would not have been made, it is very forgettable and there is nothing novel about the premise.

Basically it is a forced march, people die if they stop walking. It is a comment on dystopia’s and authoritarian states, I must say I am thankful that I have not seen lots and lots of online comments going oh this is modern day America, however, it seems very likely that the people who made it wanted those sort of comments.

The characters each have one defining characteristic to them and they are not much beyond that, all very one dimensional. Moreover, there are lots of things that happen that you just have to turn your brain off to and ignore as if you thought about it too much your brain would explode as they make no sense. The fact that the kid that wins the overall walk doesn’t sleep and doesn’t need to due to the fact that he has had a tough life and is an orphan is one such thing you will notice over the course of the film.

Overall, deep unneeded.

1.5/5

Pros.

A few funny moments, unintentional.

It is short

Cons.

It is dull

The characters are one dimensional

You have seen things like this before

The ending is predictable

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Clown In A Cornfield: Clowns Are So Overused

Summary

A group of clowns is terrorising small town America.

I had been meaning to watch this for some time, but I hadn’t gotten around to it until recently, and as I have I found myself quickly becoming disenchanted with it. For a start it presents itself as a horror comedy film, yet it does not really stand up slasher cliches rather it just replicates them.

The clown twist is perhaps the only novel thing about the film, although we have seen it in other films before, just not really in slasher cinema. Once the clowns take over mid-way through the film things start to get more interesting and become more crazy. The teen angst of the first act really slows things down.

The film ends with a decided meh, and that is how I would describe the whole effort really, an effort in meh. It fails in its attempts to be either scary or funny and doesn’t make fun of sub-genre tropes or try and do anything really knew with them.

Overall, it is a streaming film through and through and one that should never have been released in cinemas.

1.5/5

Pros.

A few good kills

It is short

Cons.

The teen angst

The ending

The pacing

Some of the other twists

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A Haunting In Connecticut, Ghosts Of Georgia: A Waste Of Katee Sackhoff’s Time

Summary

A family living in Georgia experiences a haunting in Connecticut.

There is something very noughties about this film, the editing style and the shifts between black and white and colour is quite jarring. Stylistically it feels almost out of place with the decade this film released in, and the effect has a repetitive quality to it.

The lead is terrible, it is hard to say if it is her or if it is the writing, it has her lay in a night gown on her side in a filled bath to show that she is troubled, but it is safe to say that she has taken a class in the Alaqua Cox school of acting as her expression does not really change at all during the film. It is a shame that this film wastes Katee Sackhoff as the secondary female lead she would have been much better in the main role, she easily outshines Abigail Spencer as every turn.

The horror and mystery of the film is very much been there done that, it focuses on a creepy old man ghost hanging out with and bothering a little girl, seen it before, and has the ghosts of this former stop on the underground railroad be central to the horror. It is very early jump scare sort of techniques as they are all very predictable.

Overall, other than Sackhoff there is very little about this film to make it recommendable.

2/5

Pros.

Sackhoff

A few unintentionally funny moments

Cons.

The horror is very predictable

It feels generic

The black and white to colour shift is jarring

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The Lord Of Misrule: Posh Lady Vs The Folk Devil

Summary

A posh English Vicar, Tuppence Middleton, runs afoul of an ancient God.

There is a good sense of place here, and a certain folk tradition, however, as the film progresses you start to realise you have seen this before. The good and fresh ideas that this film presents in the first act that then get turned into repetitive slop in the end.

The mythology of the film’s antagonist is interesting but never fully explained, which feels like a missed opportunity. Ralph Ineson is as always great, however, his character makes little sense, as the opening frames his character in the procession to see off the beast and having lost a son to it, yet then being the evil cult leader servicing the beast in the end.

Whilst I appreciate what this film was trying to do in terms of aesthetics and an adherence to British folk tradition, it was just creatively hallow.

Overall, good ideas wasted with generic storylines.

2/5

Pros.

The ideas

The setting and the feel of it

Cons.

The ending

Making Ineson the villain again

You feel like you have seen it before

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