Long Legs: Nicolas Cage Makes Some Dolls And Screams About His Mom And Dad

Summary

A hunt for a serial killer begins.

Many people were upset with this film expecting it to be something it wasn’t. The marketing suggested this film to be a crime thriller ala Silence Of The Lambs, however, the film was far more of a supernatural horror film and for me that worked.

Much like with Ti West, Osgood Perkin’s to me as a director is incredibly hit and miss, whilst he can make a scary film he can also make art house garbage, as such I went into this with low expectations. I must say in every way this film blew me away, not only was it coherent, but it was also incredibly scary, I may say that this film is the scariest of the year so far. This was especially true as the more supernatural elements began to develop in the plot, the idea of the dolls and the devil was used very effectively here. Another thing that’s praiseworthy is the fact that the film relied on an atmosphere rather than cheap jump scares, which diverges the film from a lot of recent horror releases.

Maika Monroe is quickly becoming a scream queen, if not THE scream queen of our age, she plays the lead here with equal amounts of charm and unease. She commands attention but can also be quite comedic at times, there is a scene in which a little girl invites her character to a birthday party and it is some of the best cringe comedy that you might ever see.

My two main gripes of this film are both fairly minor. Firstly, I don’t like how much of a willing participant the mum becomes, as the narrative of the film suggests she’s just doing it to keep her daughter alive, to me this shift in motivations doesn’t make sense. They could have explained this away by her becoming possessed or something but they don’t. Secondly, though I am a massive fan I think Nicolas Cage was miscast here, so his character looks scary sure, but Cage’s delivery and performance makes the character almost a joke at times and is distractingly bad. They have seemingly let Cage go full Cage and this film didn’t require or need that, if anything it hurts it.

Overall, one of the best horror films of the year so far

4/5

Pros.

It is scary

The mythology

Monroe

It is well paced and keeps a good atmosphere

Cons.

The mother’s character motivations

Cage is wrong for the part

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Maxxxine: Which Actors Haven’t Done Porn

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Mia Goth fresh from her controversies rounds out her horror trilogy.

As some of you may know I am not a fan of Ti West as a horror director there is just something about his style of shock horror that I have never cared for and found off putting. In a sense I think shock horror can often fall on the wrong side of lazy and be disgusting or controversial for the sake of it.

Whilst West’s trilogy here for the most part has stayed on the positive side of this line and not veered off too much into the wrong side of shock horror. However, when the film does try to be shocking such as with the reveal of the religious cult it comes off as confused. Whilst West’s trilogy can be seen to reflect an idea of embracing grime and hardship in order to succeed, and that negative aspects of life are important especially in the face of zealous religious upbringings, the message doesn’t quite come home with the rounding out of this trilogy, and instead the religious cult feels like a joke.

Goth continues to play the character of Maxine with the same unhinged determination she did in the previous films, however for anyone looking for further depths or more aspects to this character or Goth’s performance they will be sorely left wanting. In terms of characterization it is more of the same, yes we get to see the interaction between child and parent but that isn’t as illuminating as fans of the trilogy would want it to be.

The main highlight of this film for me, is a surprisingly great and at times menacing turn from Kevin Bacon, true he only has a minor role but he makes the most of every second of screen time he gets.

At times the world of this film becomes more interesting than the story we’ve been presented with on screen, my takeaway from that is that more film should explore Hollywood during this time period, delve deeper into the grime whether they’re a horror film or not.

Overall Maxxine is the best of the trilogy and one of West’s better films, however, there is something lacking that keeps it from being truly great.

2.5/5

Pros.

The world

Bacon

Some good tense moments

Cons.

Goth is limited in her performance

It doesn’t go as far as you would want with the Cult

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In A Violent Nature: Like Friday The 13th Without Any Of The Charm And More Walking

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The slasher film is defiled.

This film reads as being made by someone who hates slasher films. They don’t just hate them they have no respect for what they are or for those who like them. In this person’s opinion they need to be deconstructed and remade. This film lazily clings to slasher tropes whilst hating slashers with every fibre of its being.

It lacks the comedic campy charm of a slasher film, instead it tries for the pretentious air of an art house film but it fails to be anything more than puddle deep. This film thinks to reinvent the slasher genre by taking away any of the fun or joy of it and replacing it instead with long drawn out shots of someone walking, and I mean long scenes of walking. It’s solution to re-invent the slasher it appears is to make it boring.

Not only that but the traditional teens and silly young people that would make good fodder for our slashers and now replaced with clear adults who possess no charm and can barely act. These characters are at best grown worthy, with there being several scenes such as cancel culture’s not real and an incredibly unrealistic awkward and forced lesbian romance that came out of nowhere because it’s 2024 and we need that, these scenes make you realise that the writer lacks talent.

This film quite clearly thinks it’s more than it is, it is an example of everything wrong with art house cinema, a sad waste of talent and a film few will like.

Overall, a terrible charmless affair, that is cringey at best and dull at worst.

1/5

Pros.

It has one good kill

Cons.

The characters are awful

It is boring

There is no fun to be had

It has pacing issues

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The Exorcism: Russell Crowe’s Rematch With The Devil

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Russell Crowe is back fighting the devil but this time he isn’t riding a little vespa, a shame indeed.

I like that Russell Crowe is trying to move into horror and I hope he does it more, the genre suits him. When I first saw a poster for this film I thought it was a sequel to his Vespa riding adventure from either last year or the year before, sadly it isn’t.

The idea of an actor in a possession film becoming possessed is a fairly novel idea, at least on paper, I can’t say I have seen it before and I have seen a lot of possession films. However, it is in execution that this film falls apart, in three key ways.

Firstly it has a very prominent child abuse sub plot and for me personally this was a bit needlessly unpleasant, it made me feel uncomfortable every time and whilst I can understand from a character motivation point of view why they included it to explain Crowe’s characters negative feelings I feel it went on for a bit too long. Moreover, I question haven’t we had enough horror films that reference the abuse of the Catholic Church, what happened was pure evil but do we still need to be fixating on it when so many other films have already covered it?

Secondly, the film makes Crowe a deadbeat dad to give him the twin issues of the possession and his substance abuse, from a character point of view you can see why they did it. However, what it leads to is a very annoying bratty teen/young adult character, Ryan Simpkins, who you just don’t care about. This teen character is the main character of the film she is the one being targeted by the possessed Crowe you are supposed to like her and yet you don’t. Chloe Bailey should have been the lead with it telling two stories of two actors in this film and how the possession effects the film rather than doing the father daughter thing.

Thirdly, this film in terms of horror just repeats the same beats over and over again, none of it is new, nothing is something you haven’t seen before. It takes what could have been a good idea and then just wastes it by filling it with junk.

Overall, this film is below average possession fare, there is much better out there.

1.5/5

Pros.

Crowe is trying his best

It is a good premise

Cons.

The child abuse stuff is too full on

It is the same old same old

The daughter is irritating and hard to warm towards

It has pacing issues

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Velma Season 2 Overview: Please God Let It Stay Dead

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The Scooby Doo franchise is once again vandalised.

There is nothing that can be said about this show that hasn’t already been said. This show is the most clear cut example of a film or tv show that hates its IP, not only is this a self-insert for Mindy Kaling, the woman who joked about how she had forced a man to kiss her which is sexual harassment, but it just hates the Scooby Doo brand.

Velma, voiced by Kailing, could only be more annoying if she did everything in a high pitch squeaky voice, she is hateful towards men, towards women, toward anyone that is not like her. Honestly in real life she would be the villain, despite her saying on the show she’s so progressive she is actually really horrible and judgemental to everyone around her, the show thinks it can get around this by going oh but we acknowledge she’s a bad person so its fine. Nope having horrible unlikeable characters is all on the writers.

They pull out all the cards to make this edgy, with the sex and the violence but they need to realise the reason other adult animations can get away with that sort of thing is because people care about the characters, no one cares about Velma. I was honestly surprised there wasn’t a scene of Velma having sexual relations with the well-known great dane, but hey Warner Brothers Discovery said she can’t have the dog appear in the show. The fact I expected to see that shows you just how low and gutter trash this show is, it will do anything for a cheap shock laugh.

They also made Scrappy Doo the villain of the season, which because of how the show is made him the hero of the season instead, which is an odd feeling when it comes to Scrappy, but hey ho. Velma dies in the final battle so hopefully she and the series never come back.

Overall, just as bad as the first season but now a little bit extra stale.

0/5

Pros.

None, this was a few hours of my life I’ll never get back

Cons.

Kailing

It is not funny

It hates the IP

It is frequently gross for no rhyme or reason

Velma is an awful person

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The Watchers: Nepobaby The Movie

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

M.Night’s nepobaby tries to make a film like her dad.

Dakota Fanning has a lot of bad luck picking projects. It is a shame for her as she deserved better than this.

The film has a group of people get lost in a wood and then they have to perform every night for the watchers, shapeshifting creatures trying to mimic humans, they have to escape and one of them follows the gang back to civilisation. That’s the whole plot summed up for you in two and a bit lines, the film goes on and on about its lore as though it is the most interesting thing in the world, it seems to think it is incredibly deep when it actual fact you can see the bottom.

The twist is that it is not Fanning’s character that is the watcher but rather the old woman who has been menacing but is supposedly a goody. Again this twist is so obvious that M. Night would have laughed and thrown it in the fire and questioned whether what he had for dinner that night was throwing him off. Here however, it is treated as though it is clever. It is not.

Moreover, the villainous fairies from Irish myth have been cropping up a lot recently in horror and as such I didn’t find them all that scary as it was just the same thing again. They are freaky to look at in their watching mode, but other than that there is nothing really scary about this film either.

Overall, M. Night should give his daughter some lessons and help her learn how to make a good twist.

2/5

Pros.

The watchers are freaky to look at when not human

It has a good atmosphere, that it does nothing with

Cons.

The twist is terrible

It is not deep

It isn’t scary

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The Strangers Chapter 1: Stay Out Of Small Town America

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young couple goes off to the woods and get chopped up by the Strangers.

Whilst I thought it was good to see a new film in the franchise I didn’t like that it was a soft reboot, it makes the previous too films feel less important now and I enjoyed those for what they were.

I think this is going to be what a lot of people are expecting. If you want a generic slasher film than this is the film for you, it’s the same old set up the couple make dumb mistakes whilst you scream how they’re dumb at the screen and then they get slashed. Nothing new. If you want something new and novel then this is not the film for you.

I thought it was interesting that the film tried to create more of a mythology around the Strangers themselves and create this whole creepy town to, that was a nice bit of worldbuilding that could be used to a much greater effect in the coming sequel.

Overall, a serviceable slasher film.

3/5

Pros.

It is what you would want it to be

The Strangers are always interesting

The worldbuilding

Cons.

It is dumb at times

The ending makes no sense

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Tarot: Pick A Card

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A tarot reading leads to a series of deaths.

I thought this was an unexpected treat, the premise is very basic and samey but in the way the film is carried out it is actually very well done and creepy. Its your standard group of teen students, who are actually in their thirties, who rent out a mansion for the weekend because that is something students can afford to do, and then they get killed off one by one after a tarot reading.

So, the above description sounds incredibly been there and done that, however, there is just something about this one that makes it fresh. I think that there is a little Final Destination in this film’s blood which makes it a winner in my mind, mix that with some terrific monster design and you are off to the races. The monsters which represent different characters on the cards, look both creepy and also varied enough that you feel like each are distinct characters.

I think the scares mostly work, a lot of suddenly coming up real close to the camera scares, and a few jump scares, however, the most effective scare of the film is the dark magician and his twisted magic show, which with his audience of deadeye ghouls was particularly effective.

Overall, despite a generic premise this film manages a number of good scares, well worth a watch.

3.5/5

Pros.

The scares

The monster design

The Final Destination Vibes

The pacing

Cons.

It has a very generic plot

The ending feels a little rushed

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Them Season 2 Overview: Barley A Whimper

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A new season of scares revolving around a series of killings.

Honestly this was a massive disappointment, the first season of Them is genuinely brilliant and some of the best horror tv I have watched possibly ever. As such I was eagerly awaiting this and then as I was watching it I kept waiting for it to get good, then finally in one of the episodes the villain of the first season returns and I was happy and ready for the scares but then that’s it. Series over. I had waited the entire season for it to get good.

I will give this show credit for how it ties together its first and second seasons I didn’t see it coming and it is nice to have it all be set in the same universe and be a curse, possibly, passing down the family line. I will also give it props for how it handles police brutality in 1990’s era America, the social commentary is on point and I think some of the best and scariest moments of the series come from seeing the all-white and corrupt police force harassing and intimidating the lead.

That said this series wasn’t scary at all. The failed actor turned killer, turned possessed monster took far too long to get to the twist. Moreover, it would have been more logical to spend more time setting up the monster that he communes with, but no. Personally, I just didn’t find the idea of a serial killer all that scary, particularly after last season’s supernatural stuff.

Overall, it has some bright moments but for the most part it struggles to be scary in any way.

2/5

Pros.

The handling of the racist police force

How they tied it into the first season

Cons.

It isn’t scary

It takes until the final episode to get good

It is much weaker written than the first season

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Abigail: A Little Girl Taking Down Grown Men

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of people kidnap a little girl, and are met with bad consequences.

A preface, I do not support Melissa Barrea or her anti-Semitic nonsense, I have been very vocal about that. As such I did not see this film at the cinema, and debated even affording it this review as my coverage might give it and her undeserved attention, however, it was playing at an event I attended recently, post its home release, so I saw it there. I am glad to say I did not give any of my money to the film or her. There is no place in this world for antisemitism.

That aside let’s move on.

This film was an odd one, I went into it expecting it to be more of a horror film yet it played more like a horror comedy. There were certainly moments that you could see it attempting to be scary, but whenever it did this it then interrupted it by having a joke or a silly moment, it was like it was too afraid to take itself seriously.

Alisha Weir is good in the role of Abigal, both of the innocent victim and also as the monster. However, what I think is an incredibly odd choice narratively is that they undermine her by having her dad show up at the end, which makes her look a lot less powerful and secondary. The film is called Abigal she should have stayed the big bad.

Overall, it has some good moments and some funny lines, sadly the comedy undermines the horror somewhat as the two tones don’t match well here and Abigal who could have been a great villain is undermined.

2/5

Pros.

Some good moments

It is reasonably paced

Cons.

It undermines its villain

Tonally it doesn’t work

It feels a bit familiar

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