Cheaper By The Dozen: An Advertisement For Birth Control

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

What the hell is this? Who asked for or wanted this? Is Martin Scorsese right is cinema dying?

Everyone knew this was going to be bad, who wanted a reboot of Cheaper By The Dozen after all, but no one knew just how bad it was going to be.

Firstly right off the bat this film reads like a diversity checklist, there is nothing wrong with having a diverse cast, but there is everything wrong with turning it into a checklist where these characters only exist to fit a representational quota. This is furthered by the fact that a lot of these characters read as racial stereotypes, and feel so far over the top that quite frankly it is offensive.

Secondly, this film is the most cringey, out of touch film I have seen in the last few years. The script reads as though it was written by a group of executives shouting out trendy buzz words they have learnt on twitter, and through the one time their grandkid showed them TikTok. Speaking of this film is clearly sponsored by TikTok as the film makes constant mention of it in nearly every scene. An example of everything wrong with the writing of this film can be boiled down to one bit of dialogue early in the film wherein the narrator explains that their dogs are called ‘Bark Obama and Joe Biten’, that is the claibur of film we are dealing with here.

Finally, the very worse crime of this film is that it has no reason to exist. It does nothing new with the property, all it does is rehash and try and recapture what the Steve Martin films did all those years ago, this highlights just how creatively bankrupt Disney and Hollywood both are.

Overall, Disney pumps out trash like this to distract you from the fact that they are removing any trace of LGBTQ+ identity from their releases and are filming near forced labour camps in China.

Pros.

Zach Braff is getting some work

Cons.

The diversity checklist approach

There is no need for this to exist

It feels cynical and hollow

It is cringe

All of the references to TikTok

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Turning Red: No One Fears This Hormone Monster

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young girl, voiced by Rosalie Chiang, confronts her coming womanhood through the form of an ancient curse that turns her into a giant red panda.

I will admit this film was a lot better than I was expecting it to be. In many ways I was expecting something more akin to Wish Dragon, a blatant effort to pander to the Chinese box office with a sprinkling of pro party propaganda forced in, usually as a means to secure a release. However, this film stayed well clear of that and instead stuck to what Pixar do well telling stories about parent-child strife and familial disfunction.

I thought the narrative and message of this film was beautiful, the notion of embracing change and your coming hormones whilst also trying to do right by those you love was conveyed in such an expert way that it would be impossible for you to feel nothing at it. Furthermore, I think it is highly commendable that this film tackled coming of age issues that are often not talked about, especially not in animation, I think it is vital we see more films like this that approach the same old story structures but from different, less-covered, points of view.

My only issue with this film is that there are a few lines that feel quite cringe, these are particularly present in Mei’s, voiced by Chiang, introductory scene. This came off to me as an ageing writers room struggling to write for a youthful modernish voice, luckily as the film goes on this becomes less of an issue.

Overall, a sweet film that reminds us all of the power of Pixar.

Pros.

The message

The emotion

The coming of age journey

The characters

Cons.

A few cringe lines early in the film

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The Absurd, Surreal, Metaphysical And Fractured Destiny Of Cerebus The Aardvark: A New Candidate For Best Animated Feature Has Arrived

5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An animated heist film with a self-reflective Aardvark, voiced by John Di Crosta.

This film struck a chord with me. There was just something about it I really enjoyed. The thing I perhaps enjoyed most of all was the wonderful absurdist elements that both made me laugh but were also quite deep and introspective at times, this film really goes places.

In that vein I thought the writing was clever and really helped the film to excel. The runtime flew by and by the end of it you are asking for more, if only more films could be paced liked this. The characters all felt fully realised and rounded, you ended up caring about each of them and becoming somewhat lost in the world.

The animation was beautiful and really highlighted what can be achieved on a budget. I thought the animation had way more personality than a lot of the samey looking animated films that come out, and that brought with it a lot of charm. I think the animators of this film deserve a pat on the back, they did top notch work.

Overall, a magnificent film that definitely deserves a watch.

Pros.

The world

The characters

The animation

The heart

The absurdity

Cons.

None

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Sing: Seth MacFarlane Really Wants To Be Frank Sinatra

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A gang of animals perform in a singing competition.

In my review of this film’s sequel I said that I hadn’t seen the first film and I doubt I would gain much from going back and watching it, but regardless I knew this was outstanding so I went back and subjected myself to it. My findings being that this was actually better than the sequel, clearly Illumination at least tried with this one, whereas with the sequel they just needed to pump something out to help pay the costs of keeping Minions 2 on the shelf.

I will open by saying I didn’t think any of the voice actors did a particularly good job, in most cases I would be hard pressed to tell you who was who, and I do believe that most of the roles could have been played by any actor with very little different in quality. Moreover, I didn’t think any of the pointless side stories added anything to the characters or the film as whole other than to pad out the runtime.

The song’s were mostly just used in an irritating gimmicky way as they were in the sequel. The only one that I thought was well used was the cover of I’m Still Standing by Elton John sung by Taron Egerton. It wasn’t well used as in it added something to the film, no, it was well used in that it reminded me of Rocketman, a much better film.

The good side to this film is only attainable once one turns there brain off completely, at which time the film becomes mindless fun perhaps even so bad it is good.

Overall, mostly bad but if you turn your brain off it gets better.

Pros.

It is mindless fun

So bad it is good

Cons.

The characters and voice actors

The songs, for the most part

The side stories

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The Ice Age Adventures Of Buck Wild: The Day Blue Sky Studios Died

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

None of the original Ice Age voice cast wanted to return, bar Simon Pegg, and Disney needed to do something with the franchise, why not send out a minimal effort picture to litter the empty halls of Disney + ?

Mark this moment dear reader, for it is not only the moment Ice Age died but also Blue Sky Studios, which is a shame as I was hoping for Rio 3. There is so much wrong with this film that it will be hard to condense down into a breezy review for you.

I think the most glaring issues is that this film looks like it was made on a budget of a few dollars, with the quality of animation not only looking worse than any of the other Ice Age films but also any other animated film you are likely to see this year.

Moreover, the film as a whole feels like it is missing something, this could easily take the form of Scrat the series mascot or as I previously mentioned the entire voice cast of the previous films. Simon Pegg as always gives it an admirable go, but even he can’t save this rather obvious cash in.

As you watch the film you can’t escape the sense that there is no good reason for it to exist.

Overall, more trash for Disney +.

Pros.

Simon Pegg is trying his best

It is watchable

Cons.

It feels like a knock off

The animation is awful

Scrat

It doesn’t need to exist

Sing 2: Is Illumination The Worst Studio In Animation?

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of talentless animated animals gather together to listen to licensed music with you, as the writers can’t even be bothered to show up to work.

So I didn’t watch the first film, and somehow I don’t really feel like that would have made that much of a difference as there is no plot here, I doubt there was in the last film either, so I haven’t missed much.

Frankly if I were a parent I would feel insulted by this film, Illumination clearly think that they can just send out any old slop to the cinemas and that children and begrudgingly there families will just eat it up: know your worthy families of the world, you deserve more than this. This reeks of greed and cynicism.

Until the last twenty minutes of the film I don’t even remember any of the characters singing, which is baffling as that is what the whole film is supposed to be about. Instead for the most part the characters do very mundane generic quests in the purposes of killing time and the film blares out some equally bland licensed music. This is in no way interesting.

As I left this film I thought for sure this must have been some kind of tax write off, or money laundering scheme, as I can’t see why else it was made.

Overall, kids deserve better than this.

Pros.

I found it unintentionally hilarious a few times.

Cons.

The characters are awful

There is no plot

The animals barely sing

The music that we do get is generic and forgettable

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Cool Runnings: A Winter Olmypics You Can Enjoy

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Everyone’s favourite bobsled team takes the Olympics by storm.

This film really does hold up. It is just as good now as when I first saw it, happy, wholesome and inspirational; the perfect film to watch during the bleak month of January.

Sadly the film is tinged with sadness by the fact that John Candy isn’t with us anymore, as his is one of the best characters here, only really beaten out by Rawle D. Lewis’s Junior. Though having said that there isn’t a bad performance from anyone in this film, everyone is compelling and helps to bring the story to life.

I thought the ending of this film is one of the best of any sports movie, as not only does it have a good message, it is not about winning but instead about doing right by yourselves, it also has all the feel good beats you would want from a sports film with even the adversarial characters becoming friends and supporters by the end.

The pacing is good and the film knows when to end, two things that a lot of modern films don’t understand. I liked that this film kept it tight and used all the screen time it has effectively, I didn’t become bored once whilst watching.

Overall, a near perfect sports film.

Pros.

The message

The feel good factor

The characters and the performances

The ending

Cons.

The humour didn’t click with me

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Hotel Transylvania Transformania: This Film Needed Adam Sandler

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The monsters are back at it again, only now they have been turned human.

I thought this film was in danger when Adam Sandler and director Genndy Tartakovsky walked away. I know many like to malign Sandler, myself included, but he brought a lot of heart to the role of Dracula and though Brian Hull sounds like the character he can’t bring it to life in the way Sandler did. Yes, I am starting this review by saying the film is worse off for not featuring Sandler, what is the world coming to.

For those with small kids this film is just more of the same. In that you can know what to expect, if your kids liked the other three films it is likely they will like this one as well. However, if you or your kids are more discerning then this is easily the worst in the franchise. The jokes come off as far more bland and tame then they do in the other films, with not a one making me laugh. Adding to that the plot feels like a rehash of the Dracula/ Johnny, voiced by Andy Samberg, plot from the first film and sees the two at odds with one another only for them to come to like and understand each other by the end of the film. We’ve already been there and done that.

The actual transformation gimmick here is nothing impressive either it is mainly just used as set up for bad jokes and to make Dracula less capable and so able to see Johnny from a new light. It is a fairly lazy body swap approach.

Overall, a clear decline in the franchise, hopefully this will be the last one.

Pros.

Selina Gomez has far more time to shine here as Mavis

It is watchable

Cons.

It is lame

It is unfunny

The film needed Sandler and Tartakovsky

The dance number

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The Parent Trap: Almost Killing Your Step-Mother To Get Your Parents Back Together Again

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two twins, both played by Lindsey Lohan, switch places in order to try and get their parents back together.

I understand that for many this film is a classic, and whilst I thought it was good and had a number of nice moments I wouldn’t go that far. If I were to pick my favourite Disney era Lohan performance it would undoubtably be Freaky Friday, but that’s just me.

I thought the narrative was a little simplistic, though I suppose it would have been fresher upon release when movies like The Princess Switch hadn’t taken the same concept and run away with it. I also thought the film struggled with its characters with the evil step mother, played by Elaine Hendrix, being the most egregious.

I thought Lohan was good in both her roles if a little samey between the two, as far as child actors go she was on the better side of average as her performance didn’t become irritating to me.

Overall, a warm watchable film that isn’t going to set the world on fire but will nicely give you an escape from reality.

Pros.

Lohan

It is very watchable

A few funny scenes

A nice ending

Cons.

Overly simplistic

A little too reliant on tropes

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Storks: Time To Tell Your Kids The Truth

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Some American children still believe that storks bring babies to parents, this film imagines a world where once that was true but now they are basically Amazon delivery drivers.

This film is made watchable by the charm of Andy Samberg, a film would have to be deeply terrible for the charm of Samberg to not be able to salvage it, he truly is the only thing that makes this film good. That is not to say that the film is bad however, I would say it doesn’t do anything bold enough to be bad, rather it is happy to sit in the generic.

The human plot line of the young boy, voiced by Anton Starkman, who writes to the Storks to get a baby brother despite this not being his parents wishes, not only doesn’t land in terms of emotional impact but instead seems to be going out of its way to make the boy seem unlikeable and brattish. I think the whole human plotline should have been cut out.

The story is fairly boring and uninspired you know everything that is going to happen as it has happened time and again in other better films before this one. On the whole the film seems scared to try and do anything new.

Overall, a very generic animated film.

Pros.

Samberg

It is watchable

A few unintentionally funny scenes

Cons.

The human plot line

Pacing issues

It is deeply generic

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