Christmas On Mistletoe Farm: You Deserve Better Than This

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A businessman, played by Scott Garnham, must take over the reigns of his father’s farm. Hijinks ensue.

I must say I have seen a lot of terrible Christmas films in my time but this has to be one of the worst I have ever seen, why Netflix ever decided to greenlight this is beyond me.

This film proves fairly conclusively that Debbie Isitt is a hack, or at best a one trick pony. She uses the exact same formula she did on Nativity, a no nonsense lead that needs to learn to cut loose, a stupid and loud sidekick that acts more like a child than a grown man and a large grouping of children who struggle to act. Whilst this worked for the first Nativity and just about managed to for the second, thanks in large part to David Tennant, here it just feels incredibly obvious and lazy, clearly she doesn’t have enough imagination to come up with a different premise and can only move the location of her tale around to pretend to be different.

Moreover, this film is a slog to get through. The pace of this film is awful, not only does it approach two hours, despite having no business to, it also meanders along at such a mind numbing pace that you question whether this is some new form of incredibly insidious torture designed to drive you mad. Nothing much happens across the whole of the film, because once again to be exciting and to have things happen would take imagination and writing ability that clearly the team behind this don’t have.

Overall, offensively slow and uninteresting

Pros.

It would be a good film to put on as you are falling to sleep for some background noise

Cons.

It is borderline unwatchable

It is a slog to get through and feels like a trail fit for the Ancient world

It is the same situations and characters as in Nativity only worse

There is very little at all to like about it

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Christmas In Toyland: What’s In The Dust?

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A data analyst, played by Vanessa Lengies, who dreams of being a toy maker is sent in to investigate why a certain branch of the company she works for is so successful.

This was a slightly above average Christmas rom-com, and within the arena of trash Christmas rom-coms that is high praise indeed. I think the thing that raises this film above average for me is the central romance which does feel warm and genuine and because of that is easy to care about.

In addition I thought there were quite a few funny moments in this film, both intentionally and unintentionally and this made watching it far more enjoyable. There were of course a lot of cliches and well worn tropes in the film and it does seem afraid to do anything new, but that is to be expected with this sort of film.

Overall, this film is an enjoyable enough Christmas rom-com that does bring the feels and hosts a relationship you will end up caring about.

Pros.

The chemistry

Funny moments

It is short

Cons.

It does drag in a few places

It is nothing new, it uses a lot of cliches.

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Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Cottage: Have Yourself A Depressed Christmas

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A young man, played by Jared Padalecki, must do all he can to save his families cottage.

So in terms of Christmas films, both good and bad, this is deeply average. Whilst the film certainly is watchable, there is much worse, it is far too cliched to ever be good. The film feels like the most overly sentimental ever produced, to add to that the plot leaves nothing to the imagination and progress exactly as you would expect it to.

The ending, which is again obvious, especially if you have ever watched one of these sort of films before, feels both unbelievable but also incredibly Deus Ex Machina. If this wasn’t based on real life I would say it is far too convenient writing used to tie things up nicely.

Padalecki is fine as is the rest of the cast, but this film is by no means going to win any awards for its acting. Padalecki seemed to find it hard to change facial emotion for the entirety of the films runtime which is always a sign of either someone who doesn’t care and want to be there or someone who can’t act, I’ll let you decide which.

Overall, far too overly sentimental and cliched to pass average.

Pros.

It is watchable.

Chris Elliot

Cons.

It is cliched

It is overly sentimental

The ending is both blindingly obvious but also incredibly unrealistic

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Guess Who’s Coming To Christmas: A PureFlix Cast Off

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hard rocking singer, played by Drew Lachey, decides that what he actually needs to have a good Christmas is small town values and the love of Christ.

Is this a faith film? Was this in the PureFlix Christmas selection? Honestly, I have nothing against faith films but this was awful and had a terrible message. The daughter, played by MacKenzie Porter, doesn’t seem to have a will of her own in this film- it is either what the father wants for her or what the leading man wants. The two seem to treat the female lead as though she is a bag of rice to be controlled and bartered over and it’s quite off-putting. However, it does get worse as the wider faith elements that permeate almost all areas of this film just turn it into religious propaganda.

Lachey’s lead isn’t particularly likeable either as he goes from a sleaze to a patriarchal oppressor and that is supposed to be a good change for his character if you can believe it.

Honestly this film just feels like a PureFlix cast off.

Overall, a bad film with a message that becomes more and more off-putting the more you sit and think about it.

Pros.

It is short

Cons.

It feels like a PureFlix cast off

The message is awful

The lead isn’t likeable

The ending sours the whole film

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Christmas With You: A Sleazey Christmas Message

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A famous singer, played by Andi Garcia, decides to spend Christmas with a fan, played by Deja Monique Cruz, whose TikTok video she likes, and whilst she is there she also decides to hook up with the fan’s dad, played by Freddie Prinze Jr.

Honestly, I just thought this was fairly boring, it wasn’t so bad it was good nor was it redeemable or even enjoyable in any way. As I approached the two thirds mark I was checking to see how long was left which highlights how much of a slog this film is to get through, it is really just aggressively average.

The worst thing about this film is just how little chemistry the two leads have, there is a moment in the final few minutes of the film where they have their big first kiss of the film and it couldn’t be more cold if they were trying for it.

Moreover, there is inherently something a bit icky about a star coming to spent time with her teen fan and then hooking up with her dad and becoming her new stepmother. I don’t know it struck a weird and not wanted chord with me.

Overall, a deeply meh Christmas film that you can easily give a miss.

Pros.

It is watchable

It does have some unintentional humour

It is nice to see Freddie Prinze Jr back on screens again

Cons.

It is boring and a slog to watch

The premise is a bit icky

The leads have no chemistry at all

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Falling For Christmas: Lohan Is Back

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A hotel heiress, played by Lindsey Lohan, has her life turned upside down when she get short term amnesia and is nursed back to health at a ski lodge.

It is nice to see Lohan back, after being away for so long and dealing with so much, she definitely is the life and soul of this film making for a great female lead who is easy to warm to and whose evolution over the course of the film you can both feel and see on screen.

However, even she and her pretty good chemistry with her co-star Chord Overstreet, aren’t enough to save this film from all the hallmarks and cliches of these so bad there good Christmas films. Everything feels very formulaic and happens exactly as you would expect it when you would expect it to, there is no shock and nothing deviates from the trite script. This does takeaway from any potential stakes that the film might have as ultimately you know where this film is going at all times.

Another mark against this film comes from how long it spends talking about all the influencer stuff at the start of the film, it reads like a ninety year old talking about how the youth of today are and it is cringe as hell. Honestly the influencer character of Tad, played by George Young, makes the whole opening ten minutes of this film borderline unwatchable.

Overall, Lohan tries her best but the formulaic nature of this film holds it back.

Pros.

Lohan

The chemistry

Quite a few sweet moments

Cons.

Tad and all the influencer stuff

It is incredibly generic and formulaic

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The Holiday Calendar

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A psychic advent calendar helps a young woman, played by Kat Graham, to see her future.

I will admit this film’s premise has some goofy appeal, a psychic advent calendar at least feels fresh, I haven’t seen one of them in a Christmas film before, however this freshness is quickly undone as the calendar is merely used as a means to an end to enter into the usual holiday rom-com cliches.

Indeed it seems I hoped for too much with this film as it quickly becomes generic. All of the rom-com cliches and tropes are dusted off and forced out on stage for good measure, the love triangle feels incredibly obvious in where it is leading and there are no stakes at all in the whole thing as we all know how it is going to end.

The acting is all fairly sub-par and for Graham who I know can act because she was okay on The Vampire Diaries this is clearly her slumming it for an easy paycheck.

Overall, even the whacky premise can’t save this film from becoming a bag of cliches and tropes.

Pros.

The goofy premise

It is watchable

Cons.

The pacing

It is generic

It is nothing you haven’t already seen before

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We Wish You A Married Christmas: Cute Alpacas To The Rescue

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A married couple check in to a B and B over the Christmas period in order to try and fix their marriage.

Really the main selling point for me of this film is the Alpacas, I really like Llamas and Alpacas and seeing one on the poster for this film is what made me want to check it out. For the most part the Alpacas aren’t really featured but when they are it is the best moments of the film.

Really everything else about this film is deeply generic and makes the film hard to watch. It is a slog to get through and the central couple have no chemistry at all and instead feel throughout the film, even in the end when they are supposed to be happy with each other again, as though they hate each other.

The pacing is also really incredibly bad, and the film feels like it is on for double or even triple its runtime.

Overall, some cute Alpacas aren’t enough to keep you watching throughout this film, as boring as it gets for bad Christmas films.

Pros.

The Alpacas

It is unintentionally funny

Cons.

It is tedious to sit through

It is deeply generic

The romantic leads have no chemistry at all

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Christmas Under Wraps: Santa Claus Is Real

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A doctor, played by Candace Cameron Brue, moves to Alaska and wouldn’t you know it she falls in love with both small town life and with one of the local sons.

Again this is nothing new, you have seen this same movie reskinned time and time again especially if like me you enjoy watching bad Hallmark Christmas films. This goes beyond being simply formulaic and feels like instead there is a check list of things that need to be ticked off one by one, something mimicking whole moments from other films.

However, where this film shone for me was in the fact that the male lead’s father, played by Brian Doyle-Murray, was actually Father Christmas. Most of these films stick to a samey formula that always boils down to the same conclusion, however, I liked that this film got a little zany and went for something quite different.

The performances aren’t very good, with Brue being especially bad. Although, what do you expect from a Hallmark film.

Overall, I like that they went there with it, but otherwise it was a very by the numbers sort of project.

Pros.

The leap into fantasy

It is unintentionally funny

The pacing

Cons.

Brue doesn’t give a good performance and her character is hard to like

It is very samey and formulaic

The ending feels rushed

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Maple Valley Christmas: The Christmas Rom-Com Every Incel Needs

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The unlikely love story of a rancher and a property developer.

I think in many ways this is an incredibly cliched Christmas rom-com, it did nothing new, everything was incredibly predictable and the ending could have been seen coming from a mile away. It is by no means a good film.

What saves the film to a degree for me is the chemistry between female lead Peyton List and male lead Andrew K. Walker, both of them gave good performances, particularly List, and appeared as quite a genuine and believable couple on screen.

However, in the quality of their romance lies another problem of the film and that is some quite toxic elements. These can best be found in two scenes where Walker’s character uses straight up incel logic and negging to get List’s character to apologies to him and behave how he wants. These scenes are quite problematic and do take away from the enjoyment of the film quite a bit.

Overall, it has some good moments but the incel vibes drag it down.

Pros.

List

The romance

Cons.

The incel vibes

The pacing

It is incredibly generic

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