Salem’s Lot Original Version: Public Sex By A Lakeside Is All The Rage

The residents of Salem’s Lot find out that the trouble of being from a small town is all the damn vampires.

So this is an odd one in terms of my reviews, technically it was a TV series, but I saw it as one long film at a re-release, so it is both a TV review and also a film review.

This is a much better adaptation than the more recent Salem’s Lot film chiefly as it actually gives the characters time to become established before it starts killing them off. The greater effort in character work makes the deaths more impactful and makes the wider project more engaging.

As someone who has read the book and watched now both this and the newer version I can say that this has a worse ending than the film from last year, probably the only way in which that film is better. In last year’s effort the hero and his sidekick drive off into the sunset, possibly to fight more vampires, whereas here we get a whole extra ten to fifteen minutes showing them doing it. Whilst the vampire fighting may sound cool it really isn’t and ends up becoming tedious during this section.

In terms of vampire horror this is basically just Dracula in small town America, and if that is your thing then you’ll enjoy this for sure.

Overall, a good vampire film but nothing that will set the world on fire.

3/5

Pros.

It has a good atmosphere

It builds up the characters well

Some good vampire moments

Cons.

The ending

The pacing is quite slow at times

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Nosferatu: Lily-Rose Depp Is Even Worse Here Than In The Idol

Summary

Robert Eggers is back with his most vapid film yet.

So I am a huge fan of Robert Eggers in my mind he’s 2 for 3, The Lighthouse being the odd one out for me. However, in his forth entry we see him move away from his art house roots and move closer to the mainstream than he ever has before, much to his and the film’s detriment. This film could have felt deeper and as though it had more to say if it had used more of Egger’s art house flourishes, what this film reeks of to me is of a man wanting to make a commercially, as in main stream approved film, as such his usual motifs and themes have to be dumbed down. I wouldn’t be surprised if after The Northman flopped Eggers felt he needed to make a commercially successful film in order to prove he was more than just an art house director.

The film itself is a pretty close version of the Dracula story/ or here Nosferatu, there are some changes to the original German silent film, quite noticeably in the villains appearance. If you have seen either the original German film or other versions of Dracula you know where this is heading. I found the fact that they stuck with the original film’s ending but changed it to rather than just drain her of blood here he did that whilst also having sex with her to be an odd choice, but hey they did it to get the punters in as they felt the need to try and sell this as some sort of erotic horror film. Alas anything to sell tickets.

Finally we move to the biggest issue with the film Lily-Rose Depp. So I have seen her in quite a number of films now Yoga Hosers, Wolf, a forgotten science fiction film, and now this and honestly she gave her best performance in Yoga Hosers. At least there she shows a variety of emotions here she has one face for the entire film, distant and robotic. Her husband who she thought dead isn’t, distant and robotic, she is having relations with a vampire, distant and robotic, she is trying to convey the threat posed, can you guess what I am going to say. Honestly, there are scenes in this film where she is rolling around and having fits, but also maybe possibly orgasming at the same time, its an odd film, and it shouldn’t be but is massively comical. Mainly this is due to Depp’s poor acting, increasingly it seems that she is becoming the actress that will take her kit off and that has a lot of sex on screen but that won’t make up for a lack of talent. Anya Taylor-Joy in this would have done a much better job.

Overall, a massive misstep.

2.5/5

Pros.

Some good cinematography

I liked the old timey dialogue

The rats were a nice touch

Cons.

Depp

It is a familiar story

It wastes time

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Salem’s Lot: No One Can Do King’s Books Justice

Summary

Another King book is given the straight to streaming treatment.

This film is fine that’s about all I can say about it. It is one of those sort of films that doesn’t stick with you after and that you only half remember watching.

It was an odd choice to give a lot of the characters from the book smaller roles in order to give a story to a new character, clearly they didn’t care much about it being a faithful adaption. I don’t really know why we need the story of a little boy, Jordan Preston Carter, who decides he is going to go and wipe out all the vampires on his own. Perhaps they thought it would get kids to watch.

There are some good scares early on but then it just becomes silly, the vampires are wiping out adults left and right yet this little boy manages to just easily destroy many of them single handedly. This takes away from any sense of fear you might have as you just go ‘oh they were clearly really easy to beat then’. It also makes the adult characters look weak and stupid.

Overall, a serviceable if weak adaption.

2.5/5

Pros.

It is watchable

It has some good moments

It pays some faith to the book

Cons.

It makes bad changes to the book as well

It focuses too much on a random kid

It makes the vampires seem weak

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Abigail: A Little Girl Taking Down Grown Men

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of people kidnap a little girl, and are met with bad consequences.

A preface, I do not support Melissa Barrea or her anti-Semitic nonsense, I have been very vocal about that. As such I did not see this film at the cinema, and debated even affording it this review as my coverage might give it and her undeserved attention, however, it was playing at an event I attended recently, post its home release, so I saw it there. I am glad to say I did not give any of my money to the film or her. There is no place in this world for antisemitism.

That aside let’s move on.

This film was an odd one, I went into it expecting it to be more of a horror film yet it played more like a horror comedy. There were certainly moments that you could see it attempting to be scary, but whenever it did this it then interrupted it by having a joke or a silly moment, it was like it was too afraid to take itself seriously.

Alisha Weir is good in the role of Abigal, both of the innocent victim and also as the monster. However, what I think is an incredibly odd choice narratively is that they undermine her by having her dad show up at the end, which makes her look a lot less powerful and secondary. The film is called Abigal she should have stayed the big bad.

Overall, it has some good moments and some funny lines, sadly the comedy undermines the horror somewhat as the two tones don’t match well here and Abigal who could have been a great villain is undermined.

2/5

Pros.

Some good moments

It is reasonably paced

Cons.

It undermines its villain

Tonally it doesn’t work

It feels a bit familiar

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Slayers: A Torturous Existence Surrounded In Mediocrity

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A group of influencers hunt vampires.

Originally I was quite on board with this film, I liked Thomas Jane’s character and I thought the comedy/commentary was pretty on point, and then it has to go and ruin it all by just becoming another generic vampire film.

I think the worst thing about this film for me is that it boils down to the same old same old, some vampires and slayers attack one another until one comes out on top, there is nothing fresh about that. Moreover, a lot of the characters other than Jane’s are deeply unlikeable and irritating: though maybe that is on purpose. For the most part any film about influencers is best avoided.

The horror is not really there at all, the atmosphere is more jokey than anything else and yes they do have a little bit of gore but really that is nothing too shocking, it’s all fairly tame.

Overall, yet another generic vampire film.

Pros.

Jane

The comedy/commentary

It is short

Cons.

The characters are unlikeable

You have seen it before

It is deeply generic

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The Horror Of Dracula: From Transylvania To Klausenberg

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A retelling of the classic Dracula tale.

I have long heard that this is one of the definitive takes on the classic novel, however, now after seeing I think that it lacks a certain something. Obviously, I am approaching this old film with modern sensibilities so some things will be lost in translation, but I think that it really suffers from clearly being very low budget. Now I know Hammer Horror was low budget and campy and that was all part of the charm, but I think here due to limitations Dracula, played by Christopher Lee, was able to be set up as a truly terrifying threat.

Moreover, I also think that this film makes a number of odd changes to the book that seem to serve no purpose other than to be confusing, as for the most part it is just swapping around character names and backstories somewhat. I don’t really understand why the film did this as it certainly didn’t add anything.

However, the incredibly strong positive this film has going for it is the legendary Christopher Lee, who easily blends into the role of Dracula and I thought was able to make the role his own and put his personal spin on it. Lee saves this film from mediocrity.

Overall, a very average film pushed up by Christopher Lee.

Pros.

Lee

It is very watchable

The final battle

Cons.

It makes strange changes to the source material for no real reason

It’s low budget hurts it in places

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The Invitation: If There Is One Thing I Hate About The Aristocracy It’s All The Damn Vampires

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ancestry.com leads to a young woman, played by Nathalie Emmanuel, becoming the love interest for an evil vampire lord, played by Thomas Doherty.

This was barely a horror film, honestly after a point this film just becomes a superhuman action movie. The horror elements are fairly thin on the ground, the early parts of the film seem to be heading in the standard creepy British haunted house fare but then takes a drastic turn that really doesn’t help the film much at all. However, really the issues come in the final third when all the horror trappings are dropped and Emmanuel starts fighting vampires, this really takes out all the scare potential.

Also the final scene forces in a sense of girl power which leaves the film off on an eyeroll which is not what anyone wants. The more filmmakers and writers try and force in hamfisted political commentary into films the more I will criticise it, unless it is done well.

In terms of the vampire sub-genre this film struggles to do anything original, it inserts in its own version of Dracula who never really comes across as any kind of threat.

Honestly, the only thing I liked about it was the fact that it featured the legendary Sean Pertwee, and he is a saving grace but really isn’t given much to do.

Overall, a flawed horror film that makes a series of bad mistakes.

Pros.

Sean Pertwee

Unintentionally funny at times

Cons.

The forced in social commentary

The weak vampire content

It makes a series of bad creative choices

It has pacing issues

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Night Teeth: Driving Miss Bloodsucker

3.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Benny, played by Jorge Lendeborg Jr, finds himself in the middle of a vampire turf war after he covers his brother’s, played by Raul Castillo, shift as a driver.

I enjoyed this film and thought that it had enough uniqueness to it that it stands out within the vampire sub-genre. It is very stylised and this again helps to give it flair with an almost comic book esque aesthetic, the action again reflects this with a lot of the big fight scenes feeling straight from the page.

Lendeborg Jr is a fine leading man, but he is greatly outdone by Debbie Ryan as Blair, one of the two vampires being driven around. Lendeborg Jr and Ryan have an undeniable amount of chemistry together on screen and their romance is very believable. Moreover, Ryan’s character is also the most complex with her being this killing machine but also longing for more, with the idea that she has been forced or conditioned into this life never too far from the viewers mind.

The two areas where I felt the film was lacking was its villain and its originality. In terms of villain we have Alfie Allen as victor the big bad vampire boss who is making a play for the whole city, now the issue with Allen’s character is that we really aren’t shown him doing very much yet we are expected to believe he is a threat. This becomes a big issue when you get to the final part of the film where he is supposedly super powerful and unbeatable yet we hadn’t got a whiff of that before as it is not well set up. Moreover, in terms of originality, though I said the film is fairly unique it is also quite reliant on past tropes which serve as a disservice to it.

Overall, a strong vampire film that benefits from casting Debby Ryan.

Pros.

Ryan

The romance

Some interesting new ideas

Cons.

A little too reliant on tropes

Alife Allen is wasted

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Nosferatu: Dracula By Any Other Name

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

An unofficial retelling of Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

I have seen many different versions of the Dracula story over the years, most of which just feel like the same old thing trotted out yet again, however here it feels different. This is because of two things, firstly though it is an unofficial retelling and has different character names and a few new twists and turns this film does feel in many ways like a very faithful adaptation of the novel. Secondly, this film has enough of its own personality and style to stand out and create something for itself away from the Dracula myth.

I found the Count, played by Max Schreck, to be quite a striking villain. The design of his monster makeup is very well done and results in a very terrifying and memorable character on screen. Further adding to this I liked that the film did not go down the trite rabbit hole of having Dracula be sexy. In many vampire films the vampires don’t look monstrous and scary instead they are made to look sexy, this ruins the threat and it many ways hamstrings the sub-genre.

My main issue with this film was the timings of the inter-title cards. Some were too quick and others took far too long to leave, this became an issue as the film went on as the ones that were too quick made me feel like I was missing out elements of the film and the ones that were too slow bored me and took me out of it. Both resulted in the same effect, me becoming less engaged.

Overall, a good vampire film and one that is a classic in its own right. However, that is not to say it is perfect the inter-title cards have timing issues and some of the shots are difficult to translate, leaving you once again struggling to know what is going on.

Pros.

A faithful adaptation

Not making the monster sexy

A strong sense of style

Cons.

Some of the shots are hard to understand, the techniques used now feel confusing.

The inter-titles

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American Horror Story: Winter Kills

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The vampire like monsters finally meet their comeuppance and the black pills go nationwide.

Why? Why do you kill off your most interesting characters, Belle, Frances Conroy, and Austin, Evan Peters, within the first half of the episode without even giving them one strong final scene? Moreover, why do you keep the boring and unlikable characters alive? It makes no sense. If it was not for Leslie Grossman I would have just turned this episode off.

This program doesn’t even feel like AHS anymore, it feels like a poor imitation. Where once the show had strong writing that all fit together nicely and worked to enrich the whole now we are given plot holes and throw away characters just for the sake of it.

It becomes strikingly apparent during the second half of the episode that other than Grossman none of the actors playing the characters left alive can really act and their wooden performances become all the more glaring thanks to extra screen time. In that vein, the child actor playing Alma is shockingly bad in her performance and becomes almost cartoonishly evil by the end of the episode in a scene that is more than a little bit dumb.

Overall, this first half of the season was a train wreck that has forever tarnished AHS.

Pros.

Grossman

A few interesting scenes

Cons.

The performances aren’t good

The child actor

The ending

It taints the legacy of the show

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