The Family Stone: The Most Cringe Film Ever Made

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The very worst form of the meeting family for the first time plot.

This film was just awful, I know I complain a lot about films being cringe, but this film was so horribly, uncomfortably cringe in its character interactions that honestly I had to look away at times such was the awkwardness. I will stress to you that it was not good cringe, no, it was the very worst kind.

Moreover, this film has some deeply warped values as it portrays it to be perfectly normal for someone to be considering marrying someone else after knowing them for just one day, as well as saying it is fine to get bored of your current partner and then go out with their siblings whilst the two of you are still together. Not only does the film push this message it also acts like its normal, which last I checked isn’t the case.

In addition, most of the cast struggle to act and almost every single one of the interactions feels painful and stilted.

Overall, the only saving grace of this film was Luke Wilson and even he was wasted here.

Pros.

Wilson

Cons.

The cringe

Parker

The cast either can’t be bothered or are wasted

It has terrible morals

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Cyrano: Dinklage’s Best Performance

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Cyrano, played by Peter Dinklage, loves from afar and is confined to do so for the rest of his life, until his romantic words find a vessel in the form of Christian, played by Kelvin Harrison Jr, sadly Cyrano finds loving someone through the guise of another is not the same as real love, and so a tragic love story is born.

This film is a deeply mixed bag, on the one hand you have a series of very good performances from Haley Bennet, Harrison Jr, Mendelson and Dinklage, with the latter being especially good perhaps even a career best. However, on the other side you have musical numbers that don’t feel needed, that often aren’t very good and that are bafflingly choreographed.

The tale is a classic one so of course the narrative felt familiar, yet for the most part I felt like the film kept me guessing. The ending was particularly bleak, so make sure you are ready for it because I wasn’t expecting such an ending and it really hit me hard, it depressed me for the whole afternoon.

Overall, a lot of strong performances especially from Dinklage, however it is ruined somewhat by the songs.

Pros.

Dinklage

Bennet

The emotions

Cons.

The ending

The songs

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Wanderlust: Aren’t Hippies Weird, Regressing Through Time

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two, questionably, young go getters, played by Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston lose everything in the 2008 economic crisis and so decide to go and join a commune.

I understand that the rom-com genre is not really a place of originality but come on, I have seen this same film so many times before. It is a very predictable run away from your problems and join the circus sort of narrative structure and everything progresses in the way you would expect it to with little to no surprises.

Moreover, the way this film presents communes and those who dwell within them could be ripped straight out of a book of cliches as of course they are all wacky, have issues with boundaries and are into sleeping around. The last point I thought felt really forced into the narrative and when Anniston’s character does decide she wants to cheat on her husband it comes out of nowhere and doesn’t make sense from a character perspective.

The humour and the heart were all very genre standard neither particularly affected me in anyway.

Overall, yet another forgettable rom-com.

Pros.

Rudd has fun with it

It is watchable

Cons.

Reducing communes to a stereotype

The free love plot point

It was generic

It was too familiar

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Marry Me: Literally Saying Yes To The First Guy You See

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A singer, played by Jennifer Lopez, finds out on stage that she has been cheated on so agrees to marry a random guy, played by Owen Wilson, in the crowd. Rom-com plot beats ensue.

Both Lopez and Wilson are likeable actor so really this one should have been a slam dunk but there is just something about their relationship here that doesn’t work. Mainly this is down to chemistry and the fact the two of them don’t seem to have it at all and as a result you don’t buy their romance.

Moreover, when the film aims for heart and emotional resonance it often instead comes off as overly sentimental and more than a little cliché. The drama of the film reflects this and feels needlessly drawn out and over the top for the sake of it. The writers of this film were trying too hard.

In that vein narratively this film is deeply uninspired and comes off as feeling predictable and played out right from the start, you know the beats of this film as you have seen them in other, better, features.

Overall, fine but nothing more.

Pros.

The actors are both charming

The film is unintentionally hilarious

It is watchable

Cons.

The actors have no chemistry together

The film has strong pacing issues

It is cliché and predictable

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What Happens In Vegas: Just When You Think The Rom-Com Can’t Sink Any Lower

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two deeply unlikeable characters, played by Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, unwittingly get married in Las Vegas and then have to stay together for legal and financial reasons.

There are moments where this film is just straight up sexist and homophobic in its humour, and I get that it did not come out in the socially charged times of the current year, but did anyone ever think this was okay? Every time the film makes one of these jokes I either cringe or think what was the point? Do they just have to use slurs and stereotypes to try and be funny because they have nothing else?

In terms of laughs, yeah this film doesn’t have any. I chuckled a few times but it was not deliberate on the part of the film.

In terms of plot this film is incredibly generic and predictable, you know where this is going right from the start and rather than try and surprise you it just goes there. Every cliché and trope of the genre is trotted out here in a vein effort to drown you in a sea of mediocrity.

Neither Diaz nor Kutcher are likeable here and both come off as varying degrees of annoying, self-involved and obnoxious.

Overall, this really is the bottom of the barrel for the rom-com genre.

Pros.

It is watchable

Cons.

Diaz and Kutcher are both annoying

It is vapid and generic

It is toxic

The relationship doesn’t feel believable

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Book Of Love: Don’t You Just Hate It When Your Novel Gets Turned Into Porn?

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Henry, played by Sam Claflin, is an author of an unsuccessful book. However, one day it begins rocketing through the Mexican bestsellers list and as such Henry must travel to the country in order to do press for the book, during which time he meets Maria, played by Veronica Echegui, his translator and the two develop feelings for each other.

No one will say to you this is the next great rom-com because it really isn’t. It will not set the world on fire, but it is watchable. You have seen this film many times before of course, as the plot beat for beat feels taken wholly from other genre films, but translated in a slightly worse way.

I enjoyed Sam Claflin, he rarely can do wrong, I thought his uptight uber British Henry had quite a few funny moments throughout the film. I do think there are a number of times when Henry borders on becoming stereotypical, but luckily the film never pushes him that far.

Claflin and his co-lead Echegui don’t have much chemistry together on-screen which gradually becomes more and more of a problem as the film goes on. Luckily by the end of the film it has given up on any semblance of logic and just starts throwing things at us, which even though it doesn’t make sense makes the film interesting.

Overall, a very bog standard rom-com, you have seen this before.

Pros.

Claflin

A few funny moments

It is watchable

Cons.

The leads have no chemistry

It is too familiar

It has pacing issues

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I Want You Back: Charlie Day, The Rom-Com Lead You Didn’t Know You Needed

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Charlie Day and Jenny Slate play two recently dumped people who conspire together to get back together with their exes.

No one will ever say this film is original. It really isn’t. Yet it does manage to make you feel something with a plot you have seen hundreds of times before and surely that is something too. It takes a stale premise and makes it warm and sweet.

The warmth of the film is in large part down to the great chemistry between Day and Slate, both of them seem to be really trying and giving it their all and it works you buy into their relationship and want to see them together.

The film is also anchored by strong supporting turns from Gina Rodriguez, Scott Eastwood and Manny Jacinto, all of whom bring something to the film and enrich it in their own way. Eastwood in particular is probably the best I’ve seen him here and he should really do more films like this and less straight to DVD action films.

In terms of toxicity, refreshingly this is non-toxic and actually has quite a nice message, the leads lie and manipulate people for their own ends and then get punished for it, but in doing so eventually get over their exes and move on.

Overall, sweet, warming and nice. A good valentine’s day film.

Pros.

Slate

Day

The supporting cast

The emotion

Cons.

Pacing issues, mainly a slow start

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Bite Me: The Love Between A Vampire And Her Auditor

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A vampire, played by Naomi McDougall Jones, and her IRS auditor, played by Christian Coulson, fall in love.

Surprisingly, I thought this was both a good vampire film as well as a touching romantic comedy. Often horror romance films are difficult to land, Life After Beth, did a good job of it, but many others have tried and failed, this however, gets it right.

I really enjoyed the absurdity of the premise, a vampire who gets audited and then falls in love. The very idea makes me laugh. Moreover, I enjoyed the rom-com elements and thought that the two leads had great chemistry together and became more and more of a believable couple as the film progressed.

As far as it being a vampire film, it certainly fell more into the comedy horror sub-genre than anything more hardcore. There certainly is What We Do In The Shadows vibes here, and these are used to great effect for a number of good jokes and set ups.

Overall, a lovely, refreshingly original film.

Pros.

It is funny

It is sweet

I enjoy what they do with the vampire element

The leads have good chemistry

Cons.

Minor pacing issues

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The Hottie And The Nottie: Perhaps The Most Toxic Film Ever Made

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Paris Hilton can’t act as such she never gets any acting roles, and the only ones she can get are when she just has to play herself an entitled ego maniac that thinks everyone wants to date her. That is very true here yet the film also revolves around her friend, played by Christine Larkin, who can’t get a date because she is ugly. As a whole the film is a toxic mess.

The obvious reason why this film is terrible is because it encourages people to be shallow. Yes, the ending goes in a different direction and has the shallow character grow, but that is after we have spent a whole film laughing at these character for being ugly. It teaches bad values and praises looking a certain way above all else, which is fairly twisted and fosters self-hatred.

Moreover, Hilton is a terrible romantic lead though I won’t belabour the point as I think everyone is already aware at this point that she can’t act. Her character in this film is so utterly up herself that I can’t see why any one would ever want to be with her. Perhaps being one of the most unlikeable rom-com protagonists ever.

Overall, a film constructed out of two things nepotism and putting people down based on how they look.

Pros.

It borders on so bad it is funny at times

Cons.

Its values and message

The characters are loathsome

It has a horrible pace

Paris Hilton can’t act

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The Royal Treatment: This Is Why Your Subscriber Numbers Are Stagnating Netflix

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A prince, played by Mena Massoud, from yet another made up fictional place comes to America to meet his future bride, played by Chelsie Preston-Crayford, however, once there he meets sassy and street smart hairdresser Isabelle, played by Laura Marano, and he just can’t get enough of her entitled, obnoxious personality.

My, my how did Massoud go from Aladdin and the hights of super stardom to this? This film really isn’t worthy of him at all, and though he is the best thing in it and the only reason it has received half marks it makes me sad that this is the sort of role he is being offered.

Marano’s character fails so much as a romantic lead that she dooms the film. Now, this isn’t necessarily Marano’s fault, the writing certainly doesn’t do her any favours by giving her one of the worst personalities to come out of a Netflix film recently. She embodies American Exceptionalism and thinks that she can decide how to help the people of a foreign country better than their government, because she’s American and knows better?

Moreover, her relationship with Massoud’s prince character isn’t very healthy, she controls him and bends him to her will from the start of the film. In one of the first scenes the two share together on screen she tells him off for not sticking up for one of his servants after she gets told off by other staff for doing something wrong. Maybe he doesn’t like conflict, maybe he is worried him intervening will make things worse, no he’s bad because he isn’t constantly looking for opportunities to fight societal injustice and he needs a controlling woman to push him to do it. The more you think about it the worse it becomes.

Overall, yet another bad Netflix film.

Pros.

Massoud

A few good jokes

Cons.

Marano

The romance is troubled

The message of American Exceptionalism

The ending

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