Scottish Mussel: A Vanity Project That Backfires

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Ritchie, played by Martin Compston, is a Glaswegian criminal who decides to become a pearl thief, the film follows him in that pursuit.

This film is a vanity project plain and simple. Tallulah Riley writes, produces, directs and stars in this film in which she tries to convey an anti-poaching message that she believes to be important, sounds admirable right? Well… there are also copious scenes wherein Riley strips down into a small bikini to go and dive into Scottish streams, a task which would in real life be damn near suicidal, these scenes feel very drawn out and would under a male director feel almost pervy, whereas with Riley the question has to be why did she frame herself in this way? Was she trying to show off? Advance her modelling career? Provide a cheap thrill? Whichever, the scenes feel uncomfortable to watch.

Worse still this film is the opposite of an advert for Riley as an actor with her remaining stiff as a board throughout, only seemingly being capable of maybe one facial expression during the whole runtime of the film. Money well spent.

The only reason this film doesn’t get lower is that it is very aggressively average and by the numbers but isn’t necessarily bad. The uncomfortable scenes to one side I found the film to at least be watchable and mindless.

Overall, Riley burns money in a vanity project that doesn’t actually make her look good.

Pros.

It is mindless

It is watchable

Cons.

It highlights Riley’s ego

Riley doesn’t give a convincing lead performance

The film as a whole is trite and entirely predictable

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The Valet: The Incredibly Tame Wilds Of Star On Disney +

2/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A starlet, played by Samara Weaving, pretends to go out with a valet, played by Eugenio Derbez, in order to cover up the fact she is having an affair with a married man.

Right from the get-go I felt like I had seen this film before, everything about it felt familiar. Some have praised this film for subverting rom-com cliches by not having the two actually fall in love in the end, but again I fell like that has been done before. Moreover, it is not a shock that the two don’t end up together as the film never really even hints at that, furthermore, in the current climate an age gap romance like that would prove problematic and there is no way Disney would do anything to be deliberately provocative.

Weaving has charm that is undeniable, and it really does feel like she is the only one who has turned up here. Derbez who was great in How To Be A Latin Lover feels flat and unenthused, he isn’t the only one either as the rest of the cast including New Girls’ Max Greenfield feel like they are just there for the pay check.

I thought the film was vaguely watchable as it allowed me to turn my brain off, but I would never really say I was entertained during my time with it.

Overall, below average but watchable.

Pros.

Weaving

It is watchable

Cons.

Most of the cast are sleeping walking their way through this film

It is not funny

It feels obvious and overly familiar

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The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain: Looking For Love In Wartime Wales

4.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two cartographers, played by Hugh Grant and Ian McNeice, visit a small Welsh town during World War 1 to measure local features, one of which is a large land mass that the locals say is a mountain -however the cartographers think is a hill. Hijinks ensue.

I think you can’t go wrong with young Hugh Grant, maybe Four Weddings but hey that was a fluke. Grant is at his charming best here and plays the tongue tied English man who of course falls in love with a local Welsh woman, played by Tara Fitzgerald, with gusto. You really end up caring about the central relationship but not perhaps as much as you do for the wider community who come together to turn there hill into a mountain. This is a community that has been ripped apart by war and suffering and to see them all come together to try and save their mountain is honestly heart-warming. There are a few moments wherein the sentimentality does feel a little sappy and American but for the most part the heart is just right.

One thing I would note is that it is pretty poor that none of the leading roles are actually lead by Welsh actors. The three leads are Irish and English. Now I am not going to go on a big rant about representation, but it is quite poor that they couldn’t have got an actual Welsh person for this film.

Overall, Welsh representation aside this film is a heart-warming delight.

Pros.

The romance

The emotion

The ending

It is a lot of fun

Grant

Cons.

The lack of Welsh actors

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The Family Stone: The Most Cringe Film Ever Made

0.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

The very worst form of the meeting family for the first time plot.

This film was just awful, I know I complain a lot about films being cringe, but this film was so horribly, uncomfortably cringe in its character interactions that honestly I had to look away at times such was the awkwardness. I will stress to you that it was not good cringe, no, it was the very worst kind.

Moreover, this film has some deeply warped values as it portrays it to be perfectly normal for someone to be considering marrying someone else after knowing them for just one day, as well as saying it is fine to get bored of your current partner and then go out with their siblings whilst the two of you are still together. Not only does the film push this message it also acts like its normal, which last I checked isn’t the case.

In addition, most of the cast struggle to act and almost every single one of the interactions feels painful and stilted.

Overall, the only saving grace of this film was Luke Wilson and even he was wasted here.

Pros.

Wilson

Cons.

The cringe

Parker

The cast either can’t be bothered or are wasted

It has terrible morals

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Cyrano: Dinklage’s Best Performance

3/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Cyrano, played by Peter Dinklage, loves from afar and is confined to do so for the rest of his life, until his romantic words find a vessel in the form of Christian, played by Kelvin Harrison Jr, sadly Cyrano finds loving someone through the guise of another is not the same as real love, and so a tragic love story is born.

This film is a deeply mixed bag, on the one hand you have a series of very good performances from Haley Bennet, Harrison Jr, Mendelson and Dinklage, with the latter being especially good perhaps even a career best. However, on the other side you have musical numbers that don’t feel needed, that often aren’t very good and that are bafflingly choreographed.

The tale is a classic one so of course the narrative felt familiar, yet for the most part I felt like the film kept me guessing. The ending was particularly bleak, so make sure you are ready for it because I wasn’t expecting such an ending and it really hit me hard, it depressed me for the whole afternoon.

Overall, a lot of strong performances especially from Dinklage, however it is ruined somewhat by the songs.

Pros.

Dinklage

Bennet

The emotions

Cons.

The ending

The songs

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Wanderlust: Aren’t Hippies Weird, Regressing Through Time

1.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two, questionably, young go getters, played by Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston lose everything in the 2008 economic crisis and so decide to go and join a commune.

I understand that the rom-com genre is not really a place of originality but come on, I have seen this same film so many times before. It is a very predictable run away from your problems and join the circus sort of narrative structure and everything progresses in the way you would expect it to with little to no surprises.

Moreover, the way this film presents communes and those who dwell within them could be ripped straight out of a book of cliches as of course they are all wacky, have issues with boundaries and are into sleeping around. The last point I thought felt really forced into the narrative and when Anniston’s character does decide she wants to cheat on her husband it comes out of nowhere and doesn’t make sense from a character perspective.

The humour and the heart were all very genre standard neither particularly affected me in anyway.

Overall, yet another forgettable rom-com.

Pros.

Rudd has fun with it

It is watchable

Cons.

Reducing communes to a stereotype

The free love plot point

It was generic

It was too familiar

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Marry Me: Literally Saying Yes To The First Guy You See

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

A singer, played by Jennifer Lopez, finds out on stage that she has been cheated on so agrees to marry a random guy, played by Owen Wilson, in the crowd. Rom-com plot beats ensue.

Both Lopez and Wilson are likeable actor so really this one should have been a slam dunk but there is just something about their relationship here that doesn’t work. Mainly this is down to chemistry and the fact the two of them don’t seem to have it at all and as a result you don’t buy their romance.

Moreover, when the film aims for heart and emotional resonance it often instead comes off as overly sentimental and more than a little cliché. The drama of the film reflects this and feels needlessly drawn out and over the top for the sake of it. The writers of this film were trying too hard.

In that vein narratively this film is deeply uninspired and comes off as feeling predictable and played out right from the start, you know the beats of this film as you have seen them in other, better, features.

Overall, fine but nothing more.

Pros.

The actors are both charming

The film is unintentionally hilarious

It is watchable

Cons.

The actors have no chemistry together

The film has strong pacing issues

It is cliché and predictable

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What Happens In Vegas: Just When You Think The Rom-Com Can’t Sink Any Lower

1/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Two deeply unlikeable characters, played by Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, unwittingly get married in Las Vegas and then have to stay together for legal and financial reasons.

There are moments where this film is just straight up sexist and homophobic in its humour, and I get that it did not come out in the socially charged times of the current year, but did anyone ever think this was okay? Every time the film makes one of these jokes I either cringe or think what was the point? Do they just have to use slurs and stereotypes to try and be funny because they have nothing else?

In terms of laughs, yeah this film doesn’t have any. I chuckled a few times but it was not deliberate on the part of the film.

In terms of plot this film is incredibly generic and predictable, you know where this is going right from the start and rather than try and surprise you it just goes there. Every cliché and trope of the genre is trotted out here in a vein effort to drown you in a sea of mediocrity.

Neither Diaz nor Kutcher are likeable here and both come off as varying degrees of annoying, self-involved and obnoxious.

Overall, this really is the bottom of the barrel for the rom-com genre.

Pros.

It is watchable

Cons.

Diaz and Kutcher are both annoying

It is vapid and generic

It is toxic

The relationship doesn’t feel believable

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Book Of Love: Don’t You Just Hate It When Your Novel Gets Turned Into Porn?

2.5/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Henry, played by Sam Claflin, is an author of an unsuccessful book. However, one day it begins rocketing through the Mexican bestsellers list and as such Henry must travel to the country in order to do press for the book, during which time he meets Maria, played by Veronica Echegui, his translator and the two develop feelings for each other.

No one will say to you this is the next great rom-com because it really isn’t. It will not set the world on fire, but it is watchable. You have seen this film many times before of course, as the plot beat for beat feels taken wholly from other genre films, but translated in a slightly worse way.

I enjoyed Sam Claflin, he rarely can do wrong, I thought his uptight uber British Henry had quite a few funny moments throughout the film. I do think there are a number of times when Henry borders on becoming stereotypical, but luckily the film never pushes him that far.

Claflin and his co-lead Echegui don’t have much chemistry together on-screen which gradually becomes more and more of a problem as the film goes on. Luckily by the end of the film it has given up on any semblance of logic and just starts throwing things at us, which even though it doesn’t make sense makes the film interesting.

Overall, a very bog standard rom-com, you have seen this before.

Pros.

Claflin

A few funny moments

It is watchable

Cons.

The leads have no chemistry

It is too familiar

It has pacing issues

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I Want You Back: Charlie Day, The Rom-Com Lead You Didn’t Know You Needed

4/5

Written by Luke Barnes

Summary

Charlie Day and Jenny Slate play two recently dumped people who conspire together to get back together with their exes.

No one will ever say this film is original. It really isn’t. Yet it does manage to make you feel something with a plot you have seen hundreds of times before and surely that is something too. It takes a stale premise and makes it warm and sweet.

The warmth of the film is in large part down to the great chemistry between Day and Slate, both of them seem to be really trying and giving it their all and it works you buy into their relationship and want to see them together.

The film is also anchored by strong supporting turns from Gina Rodriguez, Scott Eastwood and Manny Jacinto, all of whom bring something to the film and enrich it in their own way. Eastwood in particular is probably the best I’ve seen him here and he should really do more films like this and less straight to DVD action films.

In terms of toxicity, refreshingly this is non-toxic and actually has quite a nice message, the leads lie and manipulate people for their own ends and then get punished for it, but in doing so eventually get over their exes and move on.

Overall, sweet, warming and nice. A good valentine’s day film.

Pros.

Slate

Day

The supporting cast

The emotion

Cons.

Pacing issues, mainly a slow start

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